Diary of an IVFer

[Helen]

Day 16 of IVF Cycle
Day 1 of Stimming

We went for a scan this morning at the hospital. Battled through the early morning rush hour as we had done last week. Thankfully this time, I'd got it right and we were booked in!

Have decided that my consultant (who we are paying enormous sums of money to see privately) has the bedside manner of Sadam Hussein. She's horrible! It's all she can do to bother to say hello when you walk in. First thing she barked was "what was the first day of your last cycle?" Bugger! Wasn't expecting a test especially as you'd expect them to have kept this note on file. It's pretty crucial as it was the day we did the first injection. I know it really, but under pressure I had to check the date in my diary.

She does the scan and all is well. Lining of the womb is thin and ovaries are inactive. Good to go to phase 2 - Stimulation of the ovaries to produce the eggs.

As I'm yanking on my clothes in this tiny room that contains me, OH, Sadam and a nurse she asks which drugs we are taking for stimulation. Well, we hadn't got to that bit yet and we can't remember what they're called. Most of you have seen the box of drugs we got and it's pretty overwhelming. OH helpfully suggested that it was the pen cartridges. It's Puregon we're having, I could've found it on the original prescription but we hadn't memorised the name.

The Nurse then hands me a big brown paper bag, McDonalds style. I peek inside and it's full of needles..... see pic

So I say to my OH (and his huge needle phobia) don't look in that bag. You don't need to see what's in there. Sadam turns to me and says "you've probably gathered that you're not as on top of things as you need to be at this point". Er.... First thought is one of horror that things aren't actually going well despite what she had said during the scan. We ask her what she means and she says that we need to know dates and the medication we are taking because I am "at risk". WTF?! Waited till her back was turned and OH and I pulled faces at each other like naughty children. Told her that I hadn't realised there would be a test. Bloody stupid woman. Grrr

Finally got out of there and OH is telling me not to get stressed about her. I know he's right.

Next stop, the nurse to get an injection lesson with the pens. Get a neat little rucksack which I must try and find a use for afterwards!

Hadn't opened any of the drugs so had to come dashing home at lunchtime to check we had the right needles included in the packets. We do. You know what.... we don't need the McDonalds bag at all! Why did she give us it.... unless she's "not on top of things" either!

Anyway, came back tonight and have done first injection. It's stinging a bit still but ok. Only problem is my dose is 250 and these come in 300 size catridges. It's so expensive you can't waste any so most nights it will be 2 injections. Whoopeee!

7pm is our agreed time so we need to keep at these until next Friday when I go for another scan. Hopefully all will look good on the eggs then and I'll be in for egg collection the week after Got back to work and booked the Friday of the scan off and the following week so can totally chill out.

Am at counsellor on Monday and am ready for another session now to get stuff off my chest. Must stay calm and chilled out..... ummmmm ummmmm ummmmm

H

xx

 

[Peanut]

oh wow it's all go all of a sudden isn't it?!

What a bitch your consultant is, I wouldn't dream of being so rude to someone in everyday life, let alone in such a delicate and stressful situation.

Lucky you and OH have silly children moments to keep you sane I can imagine the two of you pulling faces behind her back.

Have a great weekend
Pea x

 

[LauraB]

Gawd, with all that money you're paying too ..... I would have been in tears being spoken to like that

Lovely to see things moving along for you Helen xx

 

[Helen]

Day 17 of IVF Cycle
Day 2 of Stimming

Just done injection number 2 or should I say, 2 and 3 since we had to do 2 injections to get the total dose.

A couple of people have said that I look "pale" and "wan" but I feel ok (I think). Good thing about these drugs is that at least the menopausal symptoms should ease.

Had a reply about funding today. A resounding NO. The PCT is so broke that the waiting list for a fully funded cycle is over 3 years and they don't want to divert funds from those people to us. In other words, we'll make it as prohibitive as possible for you to get IVF funding so that we fund as few people as possible. Thanks very much. Not helped by an email from my ex-sis in law telling me she can have one set of drugs funded per year through her PCT. This is such a postcode lottery, it's a crime.

Have booked off some holiday starting from scan next Friday and for the following week which will hopefully cover egg collection and embryo transfer. I've faced some interesting questions from people today about what I'm doing with this hastily booked week off and why I'm not bothering to go away. Spoke to my parents tonight and my Mum is going to book a day off that week and come and take me out for lunch. Really hope dates work out ok as I will be so glad of the company and support when OH is back at work.

H

xx

P.S. Laura the tears were pretty close but I decided that I can't end up crying every time I go there!!

 

[Andrianne]

Hi Helen... Reading your diary as always

Sorry about the funding

I didn't quite understand if you're going away or just took the days off work. Either way it will be so good for you to do nothing and relax!

You're so brave doing these injections, I hate needles.
You're doing so well, don't let that b*tchy consultant upset you. Usually these people hide their feelings so much, she's probably been hurt in her life. Think of her as a weak person, you're the strong one!

take care

xxxx

 

[Helen]

Day 19 of IVF Cycle
Day 4 of Stimming

Feeling ok so far. Still getting a few hot flushes at night and the odd one during the day. Tummy a little bruised from Friday night injections, but did better last night. You can see where I've done all the injections but it's not tender so seems to be going ok.

Thought my tummy would have bloated a little more by now. Maybe over the next few days.

Looking forward to seeing counsellor tomorrow afternoon. Feel like I am starting to go a bit lunatic again (don't know why). Thought I might take some of my diary with me to help. Definitely going to talk about Sadam and hopefully counsellor will help me feel positive about her!

H

xx

P.S. Thanks Adrianne for your support. Not going away, just chilling out and probably lying with my feet up in case little ones fall out!

 

[Andrianne]

Not going away, just chilling out and probably lying with my feet up in case little ones fall out!

Yes i was daft to even think that u were gonna go away! I guess I thought it would between scan and egg collection... But you have to be there anyway to be checked etc. Duh for me!

My aunt did that when she had IVF, she would stay in bed and wouldn't move at all!! (she also had the IVF in UK). Her first cycle failed but the 2nd one was successful!

Here's hoping you won't need to go for a 2nd one! All my best wishes

xxx

 

[Helen]

Day 20 of IVF Cycle
Day 5 of Stimming

Starting to get my wish as tummy definitely looking a bit podgy today. The bruises are adding to the effect nicely! Getting some dull aching around my ovaries so hopefully things are happening.

Had a few emails from ex-sis in law and she said that she overstimmed on 150 so she can't believe I'm taking 250 especially since I'm supposed to be on a lower dose. Feel generally ok though.

Is it sad to be looking forward to tomorrow night's injection because tomorrow there is only one and not two needles? AND.... bonus... OH pointed out that Wednesday night is also only one injection. Phew!

Went to library with my afternoon off today and got out Ben Elton's book Inconceivable. Just read the first few pages, but it's pretty funny so far and quite accurate!

Have also been to counsellor this afternoon. Cried pretty much all the way through. Apparently I am too much of a perfectionist and so beat myself up unnecessarily if I let anyone down or don't have a full day. I must allow myself to relax. She was impressed that I managed to let OH do 90% of the housework yesterday without interfering.

She also helped with Saddam. She obviously couldn't say as much, but sort of hinted that this wasn't the first time she'd heard this about her and that I shouldn't hope for a nice bedside manner from her anytime soon. She accepted that it must be hard for us, because in that situation you would normally object and complain, but this woman holds so much of our future in her hands that we are unable to.

Decided that a little retail therapy was required afterwards so went via the shops and bought myself a new dressing gown and slippers. It sort of occured to me yesterday that I might need them for when we go in for embryo transfer and didn't want to take my usual stuff in with me (bit stained and torn you know how it is ).

Also managed to buy 4 new sets of undies...good thing about these drugs.... sex drive which seemed to have fallen off a cliff during down regging is back.... OH YESSSS!!!!

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Day 21 of IVF Cycle
Day 6 of Stimming

Tummy is bigger still today. Pointed out to OH that I was getting fat and he did correct bloke answer of "no, you're not!".

Only one jab tonight....phew! I must be getting better as some of the bruising is starting to go down.

Had another blubbing moment this evening. My Dad rang to say that he, my Mum and my Nan now weren't coming over on Saturday to see me. I was gutted really although they do have a valid reason for not coming. I just really want a cuddle from my parents.

Was even more gutted because he started talking about visiting my brother and sis-in-law who are expecting at Xmas. He was telling me about him decorating the nursery and how my Mum had a good chat with my sis-in-law. I know it's irational and I know it's selfish (OH pointed that out afterwards anyway) and they can't see them that often because they aren't as near as I am but I felt so jealous. My sis-in-law's parents live really near them so she can have time like that with them and she had my parents last weekend. I felt really upset that they haven't been over to see us since we started the IVF. They've been really supportive over the phone, but sometimes you just need a hug.

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Day 22 of IVF Cycle
Day 7 of Stimming

Feeling better again today. Oh those moods swings are driving me crazy!

Worked at home today which is a big help. Definitely calmer without all interuptions. Back in tomorrow for last day which will be manic, but I'm really looking forward to some time off.

My old MD rang me today to see if I wanted to go for lunch but it was a no-go with me not being in the office. Had an email later from one of my colleagues saying he wanted to know if I could go next Wednesday. He does know about us doing IVF and I did explain on the phone that next week will be busy on that score. I guess that's people that have no idea what is involved for you. Will see how I am. I may be glad to get out of the house.

OH has just rung to say that he's going to have to work late as a problem has come up and he's on call. He must have asked me 5 times if I was ok doing injection on my own. Aw I must admit I'm a bit nervous to do it by myself.

Tummy getting bigger today. I've got that awful bloated feeling that you get before AF appears plus achy around ovaries still. Been feeling quite tired since we started stimming. Must all be good signs that things are happening (hopefully!).

H

xx

 

[Ebony_Mommy]

wow Helen.. i didnt know it was so complex... they make it look so easy on tv

I sincerely wish u luck sweets

 

[Helen]

Day 23 of IVF Cycle
Day 8 of Stimming

Just done what may be last stimming injection. It all hinges on what Saddam says tomorrow. Hopefully all will be well and there will be lots of lovely eggs for collection in a few days time. We have enough drugs to do two more days of stimming if need be.

So it's another scan (internal) tomorrow with Saddam. She will hopefully give us dates for egg collection and embryo transfer for next week. Also we'll hopefully find out when I take the other drugs.

On the positive side, today was my last day at work for just over a week. So relieved to be out of there. Today was mega stressful, I just don't need it. I'm nervous about going back but hoping to avoid too much stress by working at home as much as I can.

Tummy bigger again today and still feel really bloated, but other than that ok. No pain or anything bad. Fingers crossed we get good news tomorrow.

H

xx

 

[Lindsay]

Good Luck tomorrow hun, hope you get the news you want. I will be thinking of you. (((hugs)))

Xxx

 

[smurf]

Best of luck for today Helen - we're all rooting for you.

 

[Helen]

Day 24 of IVF Cycle
Day 9 of Stimming



Feeling great today. All went well with scan and Saddam was almost friendly. She said good morning, smiled and even wished us luck, despite me being a complete numpty and leaving our treatment schedule at home. Doh!

Follicles coming on nicely and lining building up too. OH noticed that Saddam wrote that we have 18 follicles. Doesn't mean will get 18 eggs or 18 embryos at the end, but it's a good start.

Two more stimming injections - tonight and tomorrow night. HCG injection on Sunday night. Sedative Monday night and egg collection on Tuesday. Now it's getting exciting!!!

H

xx

 

[missac]

ooh, how exciting! I am not sure whether I have posted on here before, but I have read all your posts and have cried along with you! I really hope that everything works out, my sister in law had IVF and she now has a beautiful baby boy.

I am glad you are feeling up beat today everything is going in the right direction! x

 

[Helen]

Day 25 of IVF Cycle
Day 10 of Stimming

Having a quiet sort of day today. OH got up and went to work at 5am and not sure if he will be back tonight at all. There is a big project on at work and it could go right through the night. He's abstaining from today until egg collection day so I'm guessing that's my love life up the swanny for a couple of weeks. I haven't broken this to him yet, but I can't imagine wanting it until we have results back. Daft I know.

I was supposed to be helping out with big community weekend today. I've been up for an hour and helped out a bit but I've skivved off in favour of putting my feet up. They all seemed quite fraught and stressed when I went up there so I was glad that I'd made that decision. One of the women has really taken me under her wing. Her daughter is 27 and had part of her ovaries removed in the last few years so when we told her about the IVF she was wonderfully understanding. She's very mothering - in a good way. She gave me a big hug today and then took me off for a sit down and a drink to see how I was. So thoughtful.

On the subject of mothers, I arranged to go across and see mine yesterday. So I got that much needed hug and chat. We went up to see my Nana and planted some bulbs and some pansies for her. It was a really nice afternoon. My parents both have Thursday off and my Mum has Friday off next week. Think they'll probably come across on Thursday which should be embryo transfer day. We'll have to see what time our appointment is, but I'm so glad to be getting this much needed support.

H

xx

P.S. Thanks for your message missac

 

[foxymum]

good luck helen.
pray you get your BFP soon.
xx

 

[Helen]

Day 26 of IVF Cycle
2 days before Egg Collection

OMG! I have EWCM! Not seen anything like that for months and months. My body seems to be actually doing what it's supposed to naturally! Feel quite excited by it!

OH came home from work at 4.30am this morning and then he couldn't sleep. Got up around 8 and headed off to work again shortly after. He has promised me that he won't be too long and that he will catch up on his sleep later. He's also said he doesn't think he'll work a full day on Monday. I'm starting to get worried that now when it's coming up to his crucial bit that he's going to be exhausted and not in tip top condition. So frustrated that his work has fallen like this.

Have also asked OH to go into work late on Wednesday so that he is around when hospital ring with news of embryos and date/time for embryo transfer. He has agreed to this.

Injections last night hurt quite bad. Had to use 3 needles and took 4 stabs to get them all done. Ugh! Glad they are the last ones of those. I think it is definitely worse when OH is not there. That's 2 consequetive nights he's missed now. One for work and the other to visit his Mum in hospital (she's just had some gall stones out). Between us, his Mum and his Dad we've seen just about every hospital in Yorkshire!

Tonight is HCG injection and it's critical that we do it at the correct time 11pm. Have changed the 3 alarms (yes, three!) that I've had on my phone to remind me to do stimming injection to remind me to do this one. Have told OH that I will kill him if he isn't back for this injection. He has promised me faithfully that he will be. Also start on some internal cream stuff using turkey basting type equipment. Yum!

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Waiting, waiting, waiting....

In the last half hour now before we take the HCG injection at 11pm. Has to be on the dot so I'm wandering around trying to kill some time. My heart is pounding, this injection is making me as nervous as the first.

It feels as though there is something tremendously significant to this one. It signals the end of what we can do and I feel strange about having the pregnancy hormone inside me. We've never been PG before so I have no idea what it feels like to have that floating around my system.

Been getting increasingly sore boobs all day so little eggs must be developing well. OH finally got back from work at 7pm so I've been trying to keep him awake long enough for this last jab.

H

xx