Diary of an IVFer
- Thread starter Helen
- Start date
Tuesday
Having a weird day today.
Set off for work this am and blubbed most of the way listening to some music (the piece they played at my Gramps' funeral recently).
After another high temp this morning (14 DPO), I actually started to think...maybe....just maybe...that there was some miracle about to happen for us and we wouldn't have to go through IVF. Felt quite positive rest of day and upbeat, but trying not to get excited. When I get like this, I imagine doing a positive PG test and suprising OH and my parents with it. Don't know why I torture myself so. I have one symbolic one left in the cupboard, they don't encourage you to do PG tests during IVF as all the hormones can give false positives.
Our nurse (Mary who is lovely) from the hospital rang to see what was going on and whether I had started treatement without telling them. Yeah, like that might slip my mind!
Explained that still not got AF and now day 36 so should be tomorrow. We've now slipped back a week for egg collection (EC) so that is expected in the 2nd week of October. Thankfully they can still fit us in for everything. Just need to ring when AF appears and before I inject to be doubly sure.
Got home and felt something inside (you'll know what I mean). Went to loo and was pinkish discharge so looks like miracle is not going to happen after all and AF will appear tomorrow. Best keep that test in the cupboard where it belongs.
Had another good blub before OH got home. PMT doesn't help this feeling, does it? Feel really emotional imagining doing that first injection tomorrow and starting this roller coaster off.
Thought I would copy in this from a book called The Wayward Stork. This sums it up better than I could put it.
How to instruct your inner circle.
Please treat me as though I am in a crisis. I am. I can and will cry at the drop of a hat. I am sad, angry, scared, excited, hopeful, worried and nervous.
Please DO NOT tell me you know how I feel unless you, yourself, have endured an IVF cycle. This is more difficult than you know.
Please treat me with kid gloves, as I am hanging on by a very thin emotional thread.
Please see that everything is not business as usual in my life, household and heart.
Please call, write or send me an e-mail.
Please give me books or magazines that I can leave in my car for reading during the endless streams of medical waiting rooms that I will visit over the next month.
Please bake, cook or order in food for my household. We need to eat and I am out of commission.
Please permit me a clear calendar and excuse my lack of involvement in other activities, as my days are filled with tests, results, endless appointments, phone calls, decisions, physical discomfort and fatigue.
Please excuse my lack of interest in everything else. Remember what I said about crisis?
Please give me permission to do what I want to do, be it laugh, cry, sit around or be really, really active in something.
Please help out around my house by washing some dishes, vacuuming a room, or taking my dog for a walk. Remember that my husband is overwhelmed and in need of support too!
Please let me know that you are supporting me even if this cycle fails. That is my biggest fear and the hardest thing to talk about.
Please remind me that I am strong enough to endure this, as I am sure to forget along the way.
Please dont ask me if Im pregnant. If and when that occurs, I will sing it from the highest rooftop!
Having a weird day today.
Set off for work this am and blubbed most of the way listening to some music (the piece they played at my Gramps' funeral recently).
After another high temp this morning (14 DPO), I actually started to think...maybe....just maybe...that there was some miracle about to happen for us and we wouldn't have to go through IVF. Felt quite positive rest of day and upbeat, but trying not to get excited. When I get like this, I imagine doing a positive PG test and suprising OH and my parents with it. Don't know why I torture myself so. I have one symbolic one left in the cupboard, they don't encourage you to do PG tests during IVF as all the hormones can give false positives.
Our nurse (Mary who is lovely) from the hospital rang to see what was going on and whether I had started treatement without telling them. Yeah, like that might slip my mind!
Explained that still not got AF and now day 36 so should be tomorrow. We've now slipped back a week for egg collection (EC) so that is expected in the 2nd week of October. Thankfully they can still fit us in for everything. Just need to ring when AF appears and before I inject to be doubly sure.Got home and felt something inside (you'll know what I mean). Went to loo and was pinkish discharge so looks like miracle is not going to happen after all and AF will appear tomorrow. Best keep that test in the cupboard where it belongs.
Had another good blub before OH got home. PMT doesn't help this feeling, does it? Feel really emotional imagining doing that first injection tomorrow and starting this roller coaster off.
Thought I would copy in this from a book called The Wayward Stork. This sums it up better than I could put it.
How to instruct your inner circle.
Please treat me as though I am in a crisis. I am. I can and will cry at the drop of a hat. I am sad, angry, scared, excited, hopeful, worried and nervous.
Please DO NOT tell me you know how I feel unless you, yourself, have endured an IVF cycle. This is more difficult than you know.
Please treat me with kid gloves, as I am hanging on by a very thin emotional thread.
Please see that everything is not business as usual in my life, household and heart.
Please call, write or send me an e-mail.
Please give me books or magazines that I can leave in my car for reading during the endless streams of medical waiting rooms that I will visit over the next month.
Please bake, cook or order in food for my household. We need to eat and I am out of commission.
Please permit me a clear calendar and excuse my lack of involvement in other activities, as my days are filled with tests, results, endless appointments, phone calls, decisions, physical discomfort and fatigue.
Please excuse my lack of interest in everything else. Remember what I said about crisis?
Please give me permission to do what I want to do, be it laugh, cry, sit around or be really, really active in something.
Please help out around my house by washing some dishes, vacuuming a room, or taking my dog for a walk. Remember that my husband is overwhelmed and in need of support too!
Please let me know that you are supporting me even if this cycle fails. That is my biggest fear and the hardest thing to talk about.
Please remind me that I am strong enough to endure this, as I am sure to forget along the way.
Please dont ask me if Im pregnant. If and when that occurs, I will sing it from the highest rooftop!
Helen, I would love for you to get a BFP on a test. I would be one of the first to jump up and down shouting for joy with you. If AF comes tomorrow it will be the start of another form of ttc for you both. I am thinking of you always and wishing you tons and tons of luck.
Xxx
Xxx
Helen... I like reading your posts and loved your post today. I'm sorry it looks like AF is coming, try to remember this is what you were waiting for.... I don't wanna say something more about this part because my english is rubbish and i might end up saying something stupid that will upset you 
I'd love to help around in all the things you asked if I knew you and was closer! I'm sure you'll have tons of people ready to help you out
What I can only do now is to say good luck and to remind you that you're very brave and strong
Andrianne
I'd love to help around in all the things you asked if I knew you and was closer! I'm sure you'll have tons of people ready to help you out
What I can only do now is to say good luck and to remind you that you're very brave and strong
Andrianne
Well, here we are....
DAY ONE of IVF CYCLE
I started bleeding about 10.30 last night so that was that. OH and I had a long conversation about when to inject the Prostap. In theory we were supposed to wait until we had spoken to the hospital to be sure that our dates fit and they can fit us in properly. If we did that, it meant going to work and coming home and doing it tonight. We decided that we didn't want to wait and have gone ahead with the injection as long as my temps dropped this morning. After all, I spoke to the nurse yesterday and told her that I expected to be getting AF today anyway and she said that fitted.
Lots more tears (from me) last night. Was trying to explain to OH that despite desperately wanting a child and therefore it follows wanting IVF, that there was something about this injection that upset me. Partly the significance of it being the first step and partly because this is the injection that shuts down what happens naturally (albeit slightly dysfunctionally in my case) in my body. It makes me feel a bit of a failure as a woman and weirdly I suppose, less feminine. Dunno if that makes sense...
Slept reasonably well despite this. Checked temps first thing and ...yup...they had dropped. Had breakfast and got showered as normal. Both of us let work know we were going to be late in to give us plenty of time.
Sat on the edge of the bed next to each other with the box of needles and powder and fluid on our knees. I was really shaking trying to mix all the stuff together and swapping different needles about. OH was amazing. Despite this enormous fear of needles he has he was brilliant helping me mix and being an extra pair of hands, even holding the needle at a couple of points. Something I never thought he would be able to do. I was filling up with tears putting the needle in and injecting it into my tummy. This is just such a huge step. It bled a bit, I think because of the shaking.
Had a nice long cuddle with OH laid on bed afterwards while I carried on blubbing. He is being so considerate and loving towards me.
Went into to work for just before 10am and by then had a pounding head, period pain from hell and felt sick (not sure if this is stress or drug related). The first person I bumped into was one of the other Managers who knows what is going on and who I let know I was going to be late. He took one look at me, told me a I looked awful and pale and told me to go home. He was just so matter of fact about it, I went. Not before bursting into tears again. (What a cry-baby!)
Anyway have rung hospital to tell them have done injection and they are now trying to sort out a scan appointment for 7-10 days time. Only problem that has emerged is that our consultant (we have a certain one because we are private patients) is on holiday for the next two weeks. Still waiting to hear from hospital what their plan is on that one.
I have a tiny little scab where injection went in and it's pretty tender there. Went back to bed and had a good long sleep and feel a lot better now. Also, had a big chat with OH last night about giving myself a break. I'm normally really busy doing this, that and the other after work and work itself is pretty stressful. I was feeling guilty last night for skiving off running club and generally being pretty lazy. We agreed that I don't need to beat myself up about this and if the most I do is flake out in front of the TV for the next few weeks that is ok. Hence have decided, although have brought notebook home, am not going to do any work today and am going to take the day off sick. They'll cope with out me... hell, if this works, they'll have to cope without me for a lot longer than a day!!
H
xx
DAY ONE of IVF CYCLE
I started bleeding about 10.30 last night so that was that. OH and I had a long conversation about when to inject the Prostap. In theory we were supposed to wait until we had spoken to the hospital to be sure that our dates fit and they can fit us in properly. If we did that, it meant going to work and coming home and doing it tonight. We decided that we didn't want to wait and have gone ahead with the injection as long as my temps dropped this morning. After all, I spoke to the nurse yesterday and told her that I expected to be getting AF today anyway and she said that fitted.
Lots more tears (from me) last night. Was trying to explain to OH that despite desperately wanting a child and therefore it follows wanting IVF, that there was something about this injection that upset me. Partly the significance of it being the first step and partly because this is the injection that shuts down what happens naturally (albeit slightly dysfunctionally in my case) in my body. It makes me feel a bit of a failure as a woman and weirdly I suppose, less feminine. Dunno if that makes sense...
Slept reasonably well despite this. Checked temps first thing and ...yup...they had dropped. Had breakfast and got showered as normal. Both of us let work know we were going to be late in to give us plenty of time.
Sat on the edge of the bed next to each other with the box of needles and powder and fluid on our knees. I was really shaking trying to mix all the stuff together and swapping different needles about. OH was amazing. Despite this enormous fear of needles he has he was brilliant helping me mix and being an extra pair of hands, even holding the needle at a couple of points. Something I never thought he would be able to do. I was filling up with tears putting the needle in and injecting it into my tummy. This is just such a huge step. It bled a bit, I think because of the shaking.
Had a nice long cuddle with OH laid on bed afterwards while I carried on blubbing. He is being so considerate and loving towards me.
Went into to work for just before 10am and by then had a pounding head, period pain from hell and felt sick (not sure if this is stress or drug related). The first person I bumped into was one of the other Managers who knows what is going on and who I let know I was going to be late. He took one look at me, told me a I looked awful and pale and told me to go home. He was just so matter of fact about it, I went. Not before bursting into tears again. (What a cry-baby!)
Anyway have rung hospital to tell them have done injection and they are now trying to sort out a scan appointment for 7-10 days time. Only problem that has emerged is that our consultant (we have a certain one because we are private patients) is on holiday for the next two weeks. Still waiting to hear from hospital what their plan is on that one.
I have a tiny little scab where injection went in and it's pretty tender there. Went back to bed and had a good long sleep and feel a lot better now. Also, had a big chat with OH last night about giving myself a break. I'm normally really busy doing this, that and the other after work and work itself is pretty stressful. I was feeling guilty last night for skiving off running club and generally being pretty lazy. We agreed that I don't need to beat myself up about this and if the most I do is flake out in front of the TV for the next few weeks that is ok. Hence have decided, although have brought notebook home, am not going to do any work today and am going to take the day off sick. They'll cope with out me... hell, if this works, they'll have to cope without me for a lot longer than a day!!
H
xx
Thanks all
Rang hospital back cos they seemed to have forgotten me. Am booked in for first scan next Thursday. I think this one is to check that things have shut down properly before they start work on my ovaries. Also, having injection lesson number 2. Bleurgh.
H
xx
Rang hospital back cos they seemed to have forgotten me. Am booked in for first scan next Thursday. I think this one is to check that things have shut down properly before they start work on my ovaries. Also, having injection lesson number 2. Bleurgh.
H
xx
Just noticed I have a nice little bruise forming where I injected. I'm obviously not cut out for a role in the caring profession!
OH has also pointed out that my tummy is quite swollen. Resisted the "are you saying I'm fat!?" response.
H
xx
OH has also pointed out that my tummy is quite swollen. Resisted the "are you saying I'm fat!?" response.
H
xx
Helen
I hope you know we are all sharing your laughter and tears and hopes here - not that most of us have a clue what you're feeling of course, but you write about it all so well we feel we're "with you". You are so strong: you've decided to go for IVF and you've decided to tell all of us about it
Good luck
Pea x
I hope you know we are all sharing your laughter and tears and hopes here - not that most of us have a clue what you're feeling of course, but you write about it all so well we feel we're "with you". You are so strong: you've decided to go for IVF and you've decided to tell all of us about it
Good luck
Pea x
DAY TWO of IVF CYCLE
I woke up feeling a bit ratty and irritable today. Not sure if its anything to do with the hormones or AF.
Worked at home today so had peace and quiet and didn't have to face any awkward questions.
H
xx
I woke up feeling a bit ratty and irritable today. Not sure if its anything to do with the hormones or AF.
Worked at home today so had peace and quiet and didn't have to face any awkward questions.
H
xx
DAY THREE of IVF CYCLE
The drugs are definitely working. I had a night sweat last night.... ewwww. Had a few about 6 months ago so at least I knew what to expect. It's amazing how utterly soaking wet and drenched you can get.
Taking a towel to bed with me tonight...
H
xx
The drugs are definitely working. I had a night sweat last night.... ewwww. Had a few about 6 months ago so at least I knew what to expect. It's amazing how utterly soaking wet and drenched you can get.
Taking a towel to bed with me tonight...
H
xx
Day Five of IVF Cycle
Feeling surprisingly normal and have been the last couple of days, particularly to the relief of OH and the folks I met up with from the forum yesterday!
No night sweats since that first one. Phew!
Had a hormonal moment this afternoon. OH's Dad is in hospital at the mo. He's in his late 60s, had a heart by-pass a few years ago and got taken in after some medication the doctor gave him for a bad back reacted strangely and sent his pulse racing up to 150-160 beats per minute. His blood pressure has also been up and they've had him on oxygen. Hospital told him that had the doctor not checked his heart rate and sent him to hospital, he could have had a heart attack and died. Pretty serious stuff really.
I took the call on Thursday from OH's Mum and first instinct was to rush across to hospital, pick her up on way and spend some time with him. Which we did on Thursday and on Friday evening after work. On Saturday, OH went in and took his neice as I was at the meet.
Now, OH's folks were supposed to be going on holiday yesterday for a week to Skeggy with OH's older brother and his wife... following so far? OH Dad insisted that OH Mum go anyway as this is the only holiday she will get before she has to go into hospital herself. Reluctantly, she agreed and in a way we were relieved as she doesn't drive and with older brother away we would need to help her do her shopping and other bits as she doesn't drive as well as hospital visits. We live about an hour away, I should point out.
We were pretty settled with the idea that we or OH alone would visit most nights as he works pretty near by and he can run his neice up a few nights too. Visiting hours are 6pm-8pm which means we would go straight from work and not get home till after 9pm having not had any tea.... still with me?
OH also has a younger brother, who lives a similar distance away. We'd hoped that, if nothing else, he would go and visit today, to give us a day off and a chance to catch up at home as well as chill out a bit. (I am trying to stay a bit stress free at the moment). To be fair, he has 4 kids and has just had his tonsils out so it's not easy for him to get across, but he could. Anyway OH and him had a big row today when he refused to go across. He wasn't in the slightest bit worried about his Dad, even saying "what's he ever done for me?". I mean, WTF!?
OH was furious and I was devasted and ended up in floods of tears. Can only put that down to hormonal lunacy as normally wouldn't expect to get so upset over something that I wasn't directly involved in.
TBH it makes you think, if that's what parenthood can result in, why bother?
H
xx
Feeling surprisingly normal and have been the last couple of days, particularly to the relief of OH and the folks I met up with from the forum yesterday!
No night sweats since that first one. Phew! Had a hormonal moment this afternoon. OH's Dad is in hospital at the mo. He's in his late 60s, had a heart by-pass a few years ago and got taken in after some medication the doctor gave him for a bad back reacted strangely and sent his pulse racing up to 150-160 beats per minute. His blood pressure has also been up and they've had him on oxygen. Hospital told him that had the doctor not checked his heart rate and sent him to hospital, he could have had a heart attack and died. Pretty serious stuff really.
I took the call on Thursday from OH's Mum and first instinct was to rush across to hospital, pick her up on way and spend some time with him. Which we did on Thursday and on Friday evening after work. On Saturday, OH went in and took his neice as I was at the meet.
Now, OH's folks were supposed to be going on holiday yesterday for a week to Skeggy with OH's older brother and his wife... following so far? OH Dad insisted that OH Mum go anyway as this is the only holiday she will get before she has to go into hospital herself. Reluctantly, she agreed and in a way we were relieved as she doesn't drive and with older brother away we would need to help her do her shopping and other bits as she doesn't drive as well as hospital visits. We live about an hour away, I should point out.
We were pretty settled with the idea that we or OH alone would visit most nights as he works pretty near by and he can run his neice up a few nights too. Visiting hours are 6pm-8pm which means we would go straight from work and not get home till after 9pm having not had any tea.... still with me?
OH also has a younger brother, who lives a similar distance away. We'd hoped that, if nothing else, he would go and visit today, to give us a day off and a chance to catch up at home as well as chill out a bit. (I am trying to stay a bit stress free at the moment). To be fair, he has 4 kids and has just had his tonsils out so it's not easy for him to get across, but he could. Anyway OH and him had a big row today when he refused to go across. He wasn't in the slightest bit worried about his Dad, even saying "what's he ever done for me?". I mean, WTF!?
OH was furious and I was devasted and ended up in floods of tears. Can only put that down to hormonal lunacy as normally wouldn't expect to get so upset over something that I wasn't directly involved in.
TBH it makes you think, if that's what parenthood can result in, why bother?
H
xx
Day Six of IVF Cycle
Feels like time is motoring along. Can't believe this has nearly been a week! Felt really emotional again this morning. Felt as though I could burst into tears at any point. OH has right approach (the same approach he takes during PMT) which is to ignore it. Obviously women are different and I had a couple of women at work cooing over me today "are you alright?". It's lovely but it makes me want to cry.
I'm being told by all and sundry that I'm doing too much and I need to cut back a bit. For the first time I wondered about the feasibility of getting signed off sick for 6 weeks. It's not like me to give in, but part of me would just like to hide under the duvet for a while and sleep. Wonder what the doc would say? Work is really stressful and I know that's not good for me. What would you do, if you were me? Is it giving in?
H
xx
Feels like time is motoring along. Can't believe this has nearly been a week! Felt really emotional again this morning. Felt as though I could burst into tears at any point. OH has right approach (the same approach he takes during PMT) which is to ignore it. Obviously women are different and I had a couple of women at work cooing over me today "are you alright?". It's lovely but it makes me want to cry.
I'm being told by all and sundry that I'm doing too much and I need to cut back a bit. For the first time I wondered about the feasibility of getting signed off sick for 6 weeks. It's not like me to give in, but part of me would just like to hide under the duvet for a while and sleep. Wonder what the doc would say? Work is really stressful and I know that's not good for me. What would you do, if you were me? Is it giving in?
H
xx
lauramumof2
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I dont know that being off sick would be a long term solution, when you get pg you are still going to find it tough and you really arent going to care about work too much so it might be worth thinking about changing your role at work. Easy for me to say, I dont know what you do but I do know that stress isnt good.
But 6 weeks doing hee haw sounds tempting
But 6 weeks doing hee haw sounds tempting
Day 7 of IVF Cycle
I'm sure you (and my OH) will be relieved to know that I've felt a lot more normal today than I have in the last week and certainly more than yesterday. Bruise from injection has practically gone now, don't feel ratty, emotional or just plain loonie, just normal.
Phew!!
H
xx
I'm sure you (and my OH) will be relieved to know that I've felt a lot more normal today than I have in the last week and certainly more than yesterday. Bruise from injection has practically gone now, don't feel ratty, emotional or just plain loonie, just normal.
Phew!!
H
xx
