yep im hooked [updated with pics iv put on weight!]

[purple13]

hope it goes ok tomorrow honey.

 

[fran_23]

Good luck hun I hope they can help you, its shit that you have to wait that long for the psych help

 

[monster_munch]

i just want to come round and support you.
The scales are winning at the moment. You are addicted to them, and addicted to the numbers coming down. You know it's wrong but you can't stop yourself.
I hope when you get your help it makes you see this and gives you ways to overcome it, i've been there. It's bloody hard, but you have to have a serious talk with yourself.
Millie deserves more than to see her mother struggle with food like this. Would you ever forgive yourself if she were to be like this when she is grown up? It's a horrible thought isn't it? It's what you need to keep in your mind when you 'forget' to take money for your lunch.
I know how hard it is. Just 2 days ago i had a lapse and didn't eat a thing for 36 hours. It was just too easy but doing it reminded me of what i used to be and who i was now- a better healthier person.
Maybe write a letter of exactly what you do and how you would like to change. Do some research on the affects of anorexia in families and make it real in your head. Look at it whenever you are having a bad day...
Also remember that cakes, sweets etc DON'T count as food. They may be calories but they are doing jack for your body, which after all, created your utterly gorgeous daughter- shouldn't you be worshipping it, not destroying it?

On a random note, at my daughter's music class, there is a little girl called Mellissa, i thought it was your millie for a bit, as she was with her dad i wasn't sure, but then i thought it's an awfully long way for her to travel just for a 1 hour music class!

 

[trixipaws]

lol no that wasnt my melissa!

thanx i kno what u say is exactly true. i kno exactly the destruction it causes- my parents relationship is strained over my sister's bulimia, my dad i think is fed up of her, my mum just sticks her head in the sand coz its easier, my boyf almost broke up with me, my boyf has had a major fallout with my sister, my sister has been dumped over it.

i hate it i do think every day i dont wanna "pass it on" to my daughter and i WISH i could stop but i cant! its like trying not to scratch an itch- or (i imagine) tourette's- i have no control over this behaviour or my thoughts! i WANT TO "want to" be healthy and normal weight but honestly atm i dont "want to", what i honestly want is to be extremely underweight- i acknowledge its wrong- i wish i felt differently but i cant force myself to like something which i truly dont like!

i hope that one day i'll be "fixed" and will honestly be able to say i DONT wanna be underweight!
thanx for all the support

 

[Melly+2]

you will get through it hun, its like any addiction it just takes time, much love xxx

 

[trixipaws]

well i went to the docs again today, i was supposed to see the or(iginal doc who i first saw who mentioned the sex counselling, but yet again it was the other one iv been seeing instead. but she was really supportive and explained he was off coz of personal issues but should be back in 2 weeks and i'll see him then. and she had spoken to him apparently and he really wants to get my appointment (12 month waiting list!) moved forward they are very concerned about me and keen to help me!

also, i took the plunge- i told her about the first doc offering me the sex counselling that his wife does- that iv been pondering and think its worth a try in case its one of those subconscious things- i dont think its the root of it but for all i kno i might be in denial! its worth a try i'll explore all options.

anyway she asked what happened- i felt SOOOOOOOO uneasy but i thought im not gonna mumble and use euphemisms- i'll get it over with- so i just blurted out "my cousin made me give him a bj when i was five and i was date raped when i was 19" (i always specify that term, as i think just saying the word rape conjures images of strangers in dark alleys, weapons/violence and attacks- which i dont think even compares. i was in a nice warm house, i'd consented to kissing i fancied the guy and didnt fear for my life, so i'd feel "cheeky" on victims of the other sort to compare it to them!)

i had been curious about why the first doc said it, i wondered if my mum had taken me to the docs when i was 5. but this doc looked on my records and it wasnt on there- so that first doc is VERY intuitive!

anyway, i felt cringey all the way home, idk why but i was embarrassed like i'd just said iv got worms or something!

BUT i felt a HUGE weight lifted! dont even kno if this therapy will help as it might be not connected at all to my ED but glad iv got it off my chest, i feel like i am disemburdened! (lol is that the right word?)

anyway i might get sorted out sooner than i'd thought

 

[mummykay]

aaaaarw babes

 

[Krystal]

so glad you managed to speak to her about what happened. will she speak to the original doctor now about the coucilling with his wife?

 

[trixipaws]

so glad you managed to speak to her about what happened. will she speak to the original doctor now about the coucilling with his wife?

i'v PM'd you x x x

 

[purple13]

 

[monster_munch]

Am SO glad you are feeling positive - you need to cling on to this feeling for dear life

Hopefully you will get your help sooner rather than later - no doubt there are many really tough times ahead, but you can crack this, we know you can

 

[trixipaws]

thanku i'm so glad they're tryna bring the date forward for me

i keep weighing myself under the "excuse" that i'm weighing melissa- i weigh myself with her in my arms then weigh myself alone to deduct from the first and give her weight- if i look deep down in my soul i think its just an excuse as she might stand still on the scale by herself really

but the good thing is that i am a normal healthy weight now- 7 and a half stone- (millie is 24 pounds if anyones interested as we are 129 pounds together!) and on tuesday when i went out i took pics of my outfit first and i actually DIDNT think i looked fat!!! which is a HUUUUUUUUUUGE progress. i used to think 7st was fat so to like my 7 and a half st reflection is a step in the right direction. these are my pics, i am very proud of them! LOOK I HAVE CURVES AND I DON'T MIND! YAY!

 

[Slinky Sarah]

keep it up chick....curves ARE sexy

well done you for feeling good about it...just think about how much better you look with the curves love

 

[Squiglet]

You look super slim, but not sickly thin if that makes any sense. You look really healthy rather than ill No wonder someone should MILF at you

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Such a differnce Rachel. You are still very slim but i can see your curves and you honestly look much better and you look gorgeous, you look happier as well and at the end of the day thats what we all want for you.

What does your bf think to the newer curvier trix?

 

[trixipaws]

What does your bf think to the newer curvier trix?

he loves it! think he would like me still bigger tho, in the chest area

the thing is, when i was skinny and he thought i looked disgusting, i didnt care. well, i did, but MY opinion was more important than his, i liked it so it was just too bad if he didnt. the main thing is I LIKE IT TOO now i am bigger- this is really promising. think it shows my perception isnt as warped coz i can see healthy as pretty and not mingingly fat!

so yay!

 

[Babylicious]

you look great

 

[Melly+2]

you look fantastic

 

[trixipaws]

thanx y'all yay, this is the first time i'v been able to agree with normal people on what looks nice!

i dont think i'd be happy about being any bigger though, not yet anyway. one step at a time, huh!

 

[Charlie:-)]

You look amazing Trix