June mummies loss thread

[millielaura]

I so thought this would be it xx

 

[Eryinera]

Wtf nooooo milli that's bloody awful I'm so so gutted.

 

[snowbee]

Aww no millie not you too So sorry to hear this.

 

[LyndseyB]

Oh Millie I am so sorry to see you in here, I feel like life is just far too cruel at times. I do hope you are ok although I am guessing not, hopefully we can help you through.

I've had a rough couple of days that I don't really want to try to explain, just a roller coaster of emotions that I hadn't anticipated.
Still not miscarried and I'm at the end of my tether, the next medical management appt I could get is for Monday, 40 minutes before my 12 week scan was supposed to be...in the same department, f*cking wonderful! Anger is today's strongest emotion by the way, or at least at this precise moment lol.
Hope everyone is doing ok and sending love to everyone that needs it xx

 

[Eryinera]

It's so strange about your med management lyndsey when I was trying to book mine I asked the procedure they said. It's a few pills placed inside this loosens the cervix I would gave to stay in for 1 hr then i would be sent hone. however it is usually doesn't work 3/4 of people need to come back in 24 hours for the oral pill. It was booked on the day both appoints. The oral pill would mean a 4th our observation. But that usually works. If it doesn't that's why they observe you for 4 hours I presume.

Is this the process you had? It seems odd you had to wait so long. It's awful your in the same department too. In my hospital there is an assessment area and a proper scanning area.

I'm sorry you are having such a roller coaster time. I had a rough time after my first and second. I was all over the place. I wrote letters and poems to the world to get out the emotions most didn't make sense the others made me sound like a horrible bitter woman but it helped no one else had to see them. I kept them in my handbag until I was ready to let them go.

I hope your feeling better soon but whilst a lot of people say that I just want to emphasise that's it's OK if you're not! it's OK to not be OK and you feel however you need to feel and don't apologise for it.

 

[BunnyN]

I thought the waiting for 4 hours was to make sure you don't have a reaction to the medication. A few people are allergic to it, they are especially concerned if you are asthmatic.

I think the its okay not to feel okay and its okay to feeling how you feel is good advice. I find I have good times and bad times. When I'm feeling good I sometimes think I should be worse when I'm bad I think I should be better. I'm trying to just accept and deal with how I feel in the moment.

 

[Eryinera]

Ahh is that why I didn't have to go through with it she just said to "monitor and observe you" I guess it makes sense if people can be allergic I just took it a different way.

 

[LyndseyB]

It was 4 oral tablets I took and had to stay 15 minutes to make sure I didn't have a reaction, she said if it didn't work then we would go back to the same options we started with...wait until my body does it naturally, medical management or surgical management. They wanted me to wait the extra 24 hours (so 48 in total) before deciding on mm again but they only do it once per day in case of complications and both sat and sun were booked so that left Monday. I absolutely appreciate all of the nurses there and the job that they do but I don't appreciate that my second lot of tablets is 5 days later than the first.

I am due back to work on Tuesday after being off for 2 weeks but it looks like I'll need to be signed off for another week, I just can't see me being ready if I haven't miscarried or have just went trough it the day before returning. I know my boss will understand but I am worried about the other questions and concerns about my absence as no-one knows why I am off, and I'm a terrible liar!

Thank you for reassuring me Eryinera you are a sweetheart, it is very odd feeling ok and then terrible and having no control over it. I broke down worse on Friday than I did on the day I found out, I thought I was going to end up having a panic attack it was that bad and totally unexpected!

I'm glad you realise it's ok not to be ok too Bunny and it'll be hard to stop yourself thinking about how you should be feeling but I think we should just let our feelings out whatever they may be, enjoy the good days without feeling guilty (ha..that is definitely easier said than done) and on the bad days just let it all out and treat yourself kindly xx

 

[Eryinera]

I broke down worse a few days after I found out with I think my second mc mat have been my first. Hence the poem I wrote on here I still read it often. It hurts less each time I read it but for ages every time I would have tears for months after. But now I can just appriciate it was a shit experience that I went through. And I'm glad I have the memories in a weird way of how raw I felt.

 

[LyndseyB]

I'd like to read your poem if you don't mind pointing me in the direction to find it Eryinera?
I am glad that you are still able to go back and read it now and know that you feel better about it each time, I suppose the saying is true, time is the greatest healer xx

 

[Eryinera]

If you want. Its mot good or anything lol. it's weird how I feel i need go to this emotional state at random times usually when I'm in a good place mentally but sometimes it just feels right to go back to remember how I felt. I've mentioned it a few times since being back on this site I guess being pregnant and losing it again brought back the need to keep going back there. I'm not a great poet or owt but it's special to me.
http://www.pregnancyforum.co.uk/miscarriage-support/420014-feeling-raw-rant-sorry.html

 

[LyndseyB]

Oh wow, that is so beautiful and so very true of my feelings now also. Thank you Eryinera, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. It's the following but that hit me hardest:

'They say you were not meant to be
But you were, you were to me.'

I said to my husband just yesterday that people say 'it wasn't the right time' but I can't believe that because it was the right time, the most perfect time!

Thank you so much, and you actually are a good writer, definitely better than you think xx

 

[Eryinera]

Thank you It's what people kept saying to me I just smiled and said "yea I guess your right" but inside I was screaming how dare you tell me it wasn't right is that supposed to make me feel better? I guess people sometimes don't know what to say but I dunno. After going through it I couldn't imagine saying those words to another woman. I'm glad it sorta rings true. I hope it makes you feel less like your going through it alone if you get me. I wasn't sure if it is not the right place to mention it. I know we are all trying to "get through" this time trying to get back to normality trying to be all smiles coz that's what other people want us to be like. But sometimes part of the healing is just feeling. I'm having a few wobbles today I guess. I'm such a contridicton of emotions.

 

[BunnyN]

'They say you were not meant to be
But you were, you were to me.'

I loved this line too. It is so true. People kind of think this pregnancy must have been a mistake because we already have two little ones close in age. It wasn't a mistake we really did want a third. Even if it was a mistake it would have been a welcome one. No one is allowed to tell me it was better this way. Having two LOs is a comfort though, it must be so hard for you ladies who are TTC your first.

People don't know what to say and often don't say the right thing. On the whole I rather they say something than nothing though. I find it hard when everyone awkwardly avoids the subject. I am grieving for a baby, pretending it didn't exist doesn't help.

 

[Louloubelle84]

That actually made me cry Eryinera. Very touching and beautiful words and I can totally relate. I would have been due to have my 12 week scan tomorrow. I should be getting ready to tell everyone our happy news. I'm sad for what could have been. But I have faith my time will come.

Xx

 

[Eryinera]

That true too bunny. I think if it wasn't so almost invisible to the outside world people would know what to say. We are used to having to deal with that. But to lose a life before its begun I think a lot of people find that difficult for some reason. I don't know. when it happened I basically told people how to react and act around me. I haven't seen them yet but I'm hoping most people said what they want to via text so I don't have to fake responses to comments I don't really want to hear if you get me.

 

[BunnyN]

The only comment I didn't take well was 'its better like that because you will be able to look after your two properly now'. Thankfully it was said to my husband not me, not sure what I would have said. Today I decided I'm going to show our ultrasound picture to everyone. They should be able to see the perfect little baby we lost. I wont really but a little part of me wants to so that it feels a little more real to people. On the whole everyone has been really supportive but I think MC is always a lonely thing to go through.

 

[Eryinera]

That actually made me cry Eryinera. Very touching and beautiful words and I can totally relate. I would have been due to have my 12 week scan tomorrow. I should be getting ready to tell everyone our happy news. I'm sad for what could have been. But I have faith my time will come.

Xx

I'm sorry him I didn't mean to make you cry x thank you though. It's such an awful thing to go through my first mc I was supposed to be getting ready for work and ended up having to call my joss to tell I'm I was misscarrying before I even told him I was expecting. Your time will come my lovely I'm sure.

Bunny: if that had been said to me gosh I dunno what I would have done the cheek of it. I just don't know what how's through some people's heads.

 

[millielaura]

Awwww lovely words Eyrinera. I think I saw it at the time you posted it actually!
I had to tell work I was miscarrying befor eI told them about the preg tooo xxx

 

[Eryinera]

You did millie you left some really nice words for me too. Sorry we keep meeting in shit circumstances! It's such a horrid phone call isn't it millie. I can't imagine the roller coaster you have just been on. I admire you hun. I hope you get answers thats the least you deserve. I think that's why I've kept it together even before I miscarried they were talking about me possibly having a condition that causes recurrent miscarriages. I think it's taken some of the limbo away to know there may be a fixable cure for this. Im in a weird place where I'm actually hoping I have something wrong that requires medication for the rest of my life. I hope they find out why you went through what you had to. I just wish that you didn't have to go through it if you get me.



(The auto correct on my phone is rubbish sometimes i think it speaks a foreign language!)