Diary of an IVFer

[Helen]

Wednesday

Thanks all for your good wishes. It means a lot to know people are supporting me.

The dates are variable because of my variable cycle. I just hope it doesn't vary so much that they can't fit me in and I have to miss a month.

Decided last night (in my usual control freakish way) that I would start charting temps again (OH suggestion actually. He has been listening!) as that is the only way I have any idea when AF is due. I stopped doing it in March after the specialist said there was no point carrying on with it and in fact, he thought it was adding to my stress.

Told someone else at work today. I woman I knew had had fertility treatment and who I suspected had had IVF. Turns out she had had IVF so knew exactly what I was going through. Her daughter is now 15, but she was the best person I have told so far. She just totally got it.

H

xx

 

[HayleyB]

Sounds good that there is someone there who's been through IVF!
Good luck with starting charting again, hope it doesn't stress you out again, and helps you know when AF is due!

xox

 

[Helen]

Friday

Went to see Jools Holland with a friend and her two young daughters. The oldest of which was a real delight and made me v. broody!

At one point, OH scooped her up and started swirling and dancing with her and dipping her (she's 5). She giggled and giggled and couldn't stop and kept saying "again!, again!".

I was watching him with a such a warm feeling. This is the man who I want to be the father to my children.

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Saturday
Had a long theraputic chat with my hairdresser. She's at a similar sort of point to me in that she found out around the same time as us that they couldn't conceive (she has blocked tubes). Her and her DH are now trying to work out whether they should try IVF. She's really frightened of the process and is seriously considering going for adoption instead. She thinks she's chickening out, but I think what she's doing is really brave.

I was telling her how good I'd found the counselling and how it helped to vent and get stuff off my chest. I was telling her about this tale I'd told the counsellor about how annoyed I'd been to hear a woman shouting at her little tot of a son. I'd looked out of the window and he walking on the wall and she was just shouting and moaning at him. It really annoyed me (irrationally so, I realise that) because I always thought of walking on the wall as something idylic about my childhood and I felt that the woman just didn't realise how lucky she was to have the chance to walk her child along the wall. Anyway, that obviously touched a nerve in her and she just burst into floods of tears.

Her Mum died when she (my hairdresser) was in her early 20s. Naturally she was completely devastated by that. She's now really worried that the same could happen to her and she's frightened to bring a child into the world if that child had to go through what she had to.

We were talking about how when you TTC although it is a serious decision somehow you approach it fairly light-heartedly, yet with IVF there's suddenly a whole host of other thoughts that you think about.

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Sunday

Went out for a family dinner with OH's family including our great-niece who is one this week. Our niece had just found out she was PG when we first started trying and is now PG with her 2nd (both accidents).

I found myself just filling up with tears over the dinner table as all the family fawned and fussed over the baby. I had to fight really hard to keep in control.

OH was really sweet and made an excuse so that we don't have to go to the birthday party next weekend. I realise that sounds pretty terrible to avoid a family party of a one year old, but sometimes it's just too hard.

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Monday/Tuesday

The sale of the company I work for went through late on Monday and the new owners appeared. Pretty nerve wracking day as we weren't sure what would happen to our jobs particularly after bombshell I had a few weeks ago. Anyway all is ok... phew and we are being left to run the company pretty much as we see fit.

Both new bosses asked me separately if I had children. One of the few occasions it's handy to be infertile. At least no CLM (career limiting moves) happening here!

I have my second couselling session on Thursday afternoon which I'm quite looking forward to as I've found it really helpful. Plus I've still been practising the self-hypnosis stuff.

H

xx

 

[HayleyB]

I was watching him with a such a warm feeling. This is the man who I want to be the father to my children.

Awww thats such a sweet thing to see and to say!!!

Good news about your job!!!!

Sucks with the unplanned pregnancy thing in the family!!

You did good managing not to stand up and shout "shut up, just shut up everyone" i'd be so tempted!!!!

 

[Helen]

Went for my second individual counselling session on Thursday afternoon. It went quite well, not as emotional as last time and talked less about work.

We had a long chat about Xmas. I'm a bit nervous about it for a few reasons:
1. My brother's baby is due at Xmas
2. We'll know by then if the IVF has worked (or not)
3. We had a big family Xmas last year with OH's family which was lovely. OH keen to do it again, but I'm not sure if can face it if things don't work out.
4. My parents will probably want to go to see my bro at Xmas, but will also want to be with my Nan who is on her own for the first time this year.

Also had a long chat about ex-DH and what a b@$!@£d he is/was and how he messed with my mind and emotions when we were together. He used to say I was mad when I accused him of having an affair, yet he's marrying this girl this month (might already be done!). Counsellor was lovely and said that he sounded like good divorce material.

She said that I am coping really well and all the weird emotions and deep thoughts are normal. Phew!

Have booked in for another session in early October when hopefully will be in the full throws of IVF drug induced lunacy

H

xx

 

[Lindsay]

Helen I so hope that the IVF works for you and your OH. I have been reading your diary and I honestly pray that it all works out for you you deserve it hun. Good Luck

Xxx

 

[Wobbles]

My nurse at the doc's this morning said her daughter went through IVF & after one journey they have a healthy little boy

 

[loulou1980]

lots and lots of hugs and i hope things go the way you want

 

[Helen]

Monday

Thanks all for your support. It's great knowing you are all behind me.

Starting to get pretty frustrated with my cycle. We scheduled the IVF start date in September based on two 34 day cycles (the best we could guess).

On normal cycles, when I did ovulate it happened around day 20. We're on day 23 now and still now temperature surge. Grrrrr I shall be really pee-ed off if we end up missing our egg collection slot because of my screwy cycle. Think I'll go bonkers if we have to wait another month. This is so frustrating.... maybe I'll get the temp surge tomorrow.....

H

xx

 

[rach]

really hope things work out well for you hunny we are all here for you every step of the way xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Helen]

Oh bloody hell! Literally!

Just been to loo and am bleeding WTF?! Day 23?! Now what's going on?! Sometimes this all makes me feel totally rubbish as a woman.

Grrrrrr

 

[Wobbles]

x100

 

[Helen]

Tuesday

Still some blood this am. It could be AF although 23 days is short even for me! Have decided that I need to ring the ACU and see what they say.

If it is AF, there is the tinyiest possibility that they could fit me in to start cycle. Worst case scenario is that they can't and now my planned start of September also doesn't fit and we're pushed back into October.

Keep everything crossed for me.

H

xx

 

[arcanegirl]

Fingers crossed for you

 

[Helen]

Tuesday
No progress so far today. Have tried twice to speak to nurse at ACU. Our nurse is not in today (she also does shifts at A & E). All the other nurses bar one are having training. Have left 2 messages for her and hoping she calls back soon. Realistically it's now too late in the day for me to pick up drugs and get over there for injection even if they can fit me in for egg collection dates. Damn!

Still sort of bleeding. Not bright red or particularly heavy, but requires a tampon (sorry if TMI)

Just wish they would call back

H

xx

 

[Wobbles]

Just wanna give you a hug Helen

 

[skatty]

Helen

I have been following your diary and want to say thanks as it is so informative and its a subject some of us don't know about. We all know the general gist of IVF but not all the emotion that goes behind it, you are so brave.

I pray that you will get your BFP, your child will be realy blessed with parents like you and your DH xx