Diary of an IVFer
- Thread starter Helen
- Start date
Having weird feelings and mood swings today.
Had a real angry period about infertility earlier. I've lost 2 grandparents since I first started TTC (includes first time round with ex-DH). They both should have been great-grandparents and I feel angry that IF has prevented me from giving them that gift.
Had a weird moment wandering around Sainsburys earlier when I remembered this scar on my forehead. It's a triangular shaped hole more than a scar. I got it when I was about 3 or 4. Me and Gramps were spinning round in the living room. We were spinning and spinning and getting really dizzy and giggly. Anyway I fell over and banged my head on the corner of a cabinet. It bled like mad! Apparently my Mum was furious with him for not looking after me properly. I've always thought it was really funny. So I'm wandering around Sainsburys laughing and crying at the same time. Talk about a permanent reminder!
H
xx
P.S. Thanks for your kind words.
Tam, Enya sounds like a good idea. I'll see if I can find something. Sure I've got some Clannad kicking around here too.
For those that asked, we've been trying since Jan 2005 so 18 months. I've also had 18 months of trying with ex some years ago.
liviray, the internal scans are fine. More uncomfortable than painful. Stirrups aren't any fun, pretty inelegant! First appointment they'll probably do a blood test (20 day I think) on you to see if you have a hormone surge and they can decide if you are ovulating. OH will have to do a sperm test. They can usually do it at home, but it needs to be rushed off to hospital as soon as he's finished!
Rachael, thanks for your words of encouragement. How many goes did it take for you?
Paula, lovely to hear from you again. I've been wondering how you've been getting along. How's your little one doing?
Wobbles, not sure if PCOS is related to miscarriage or not. I know it makes it difficult to conceive. You can't chart whilst doing IVF because of all the hormones they give you, also there's no point as the drugs and the doctors take over. You can't even do a PG test as they can give false positives because you have to take HCG later on.
Had a real angry period about infertility earlier. I've lost 2 grandparents since I first started TTC (includes first time round with ex-DH). They both should have been great-grandparents and I feel angry that IF has prevented me from giving them that gift.
Had a weird moment wandering around Sainsburys earlier when I remembered this scar on my forehead. It's a triangular shaped hole more than a scar. I got it when I was about 3 or 4. Me and Gramps were spinning round in the living room. We were spinning and spinning and getting really dizzy and giggly. Anyway I fell over and banged my head on the corner of a cabinet. It bled like mad! Apparently my Mum was furious with him for not looking after me properly. I've always thought it was really funny. So I'm wandering around Sainsburys laughing and crying at the same time. Talk about a permanent reminder!
H
xx
P.S. Thanks for your kind words.
Tam, Enya sounds like a good idea. I'll see if I can find something. Sure I've got some Clannad kicking around here too.
For those that asked, we've been trying since Jan 2005 so 18 months. I've also had 18 months of trying with ex some years ago.
liviray, the internal scans are fine. More uncomfortable than painful. Stirrups aren't any fun, pretty inelegant! First appointment they'll probably do a blood test (20 day I think) on you to see if you have a hormone surge and they can decide if you are ovulating. OH will have to do a sperm test. They can usually do it at home, but it needs to be rushed off to hospital as soon as he's finished!
Rachael, thanks for your words of encouragement. How many goes did it take for you?
Paula, lovely to hear from you again. I've been wondering how you've been getting along. How's your little one doing?
Wobbles, not sure if PCOS is related to miscarriage or not. I know it makes it difficult to conceive. You can't chart whilst doing IVF because of all the hormones they give you, also there's no point as the drugs and the doctors take over. You can't even do a PG test as they can give false positives because you have to take HCG later on.
Thanks Helen! My appointment is on 3rd of august. Haven't yet worked out where in my cycle that is. My OH will find the sperm test amusing! It'll give him an excuse to get those mags out!!
Sorry to hear about your grandad. He sounded lovely. I only have one left, and he is in a home, and doesn't knw who any of us are! Bless!!
Sorry to hear about your grandad. He sounded lovely. I only have one left, and he is in a home, and doesn't knw who any of us are! Bless!!
Sorry to hear about your loss.
I hope that IVF works out for you and brings you all that you dream of.
You're very brave and it makes my concerns pale in comparison.
Take care and all the best, I really really hope it happens for you both x
I hope that IVF works out for you and brings you all that you dream of.
You're very brave and it makes my concerns pale in comparison.
Take care and all the best, I really really hope it happens for you both x
Little Miss Joslyn
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Hi Helen, Thankyou for sharing your experiances with us. If anyone deserves a baby soon its you .I have been ttc after miscarriage a year and a half ago, i know how hard it is when you really want something so bad it hurts. Good luck with the IVF hunnie and it will be worth it in the long run.
Im sorry to hear about your grandad.
He sounded like a right character but he will always be with you in your thoughts and heart and when you look in the mirror at your scar.
Pure chill outs album is good as has classical and enigma soundtracks. i used to like listening to the Phantom of the Opera after the film was out and it comforted me after my miscarriage but now i cant listen to it as it brings back that moment when i felt numb and upset. Everyones different though as heavy metal might chill some people out on here!
Im sorry to hear about your grandad.
He sounded like a right character but he will always be with you in your thoughts and heart and when you look in the mirror at your scar.Pure chill outs album is good as has classical and enigma soundtracks. i used to like listening to the Phantom of the Opera after the film was out and it comforted me after my miscarriage but now i cant listen to it as it brings back that moment when i felt numb and upset. Everyones different though as heavy metal might chill some people out on here!
Friday
Just to backtrack a bit now to Friday. On Friday OH and I went to the sexual health clinic at the local hospital for more pre-IVF tests. We've got tested for everything under the sun from HIV to Thrush, Gonorrea and Syphillis, Hepatitis, etc. It was a pretty dark and depressing place in a separate building to the main hospital and with a door round the back. All the blinds were kept closed and there were loads of plastic chairs everywhere.
When you arrive they give you a number and only call out your first name rather than your full name like they normally do at doctors. It made me feel really guilty and like I was in danger of catching something!
We both had blood tests (again!) and urine samples. More stirrups for me and the dreaded cotton bud test for my OH for chlamydia! He was very brave about it and was more worried about the blood test bit (he has a huge fear of needles). We should get the results (texted to us - not sure if this is high-tech or discrete!) in the next 2 or 3 weeks.
It took ages too-ing and fro-ing so it was lunchtime before either of us got into work. Yet more time off! After the New Patients Evening earlier in the week I've decided that during the egg collection and transfer period of IVF I will take a week off. That way I can just veg out inbetween and not worry about work at all. I'll have to be back in the office during the 2WW though.
H
xx
Just to backtrack a bit now to Friday. On Friday OH and I went to the sexual health clinic at the local hospital for more pre-IVF tests. We've got tested for everything under the sun from HIV to Thrush, Gonorrea and Syphillis, Hepatitis, etc. It was a pretty dark and depressing place in a separate building to the main hospital and with a door round the back. All the blinds were kept closed and there were loads of plastic chairs everywhere.
When you arrive they give you a number and only call out your first name rather than your full name like they normally do at doctors. It made me feel really guilty and like I was in danger of catching something!
We both had blood tests (again!) and urine samples. More stirrups for me and the dreaded cotton bud test for my OH for chlamydia! He was very brave about it and was more worried about the blood test bit (he has a huge fear of needles). We should get the results (texted to us - not sure if this is high-tech or discrete!) in the next 2 or 3 weeks.
It took ages too-ing and fro-ing so it was lunchtime before either of us got into work. Yet more time off! After the New Patients Evening earlier in the week I've decided that during the egg collection and transfer period of IVF I will take a week off. That way I can just veg out inbetween and not worry about work at all. I'll have to be back in the office during the 2WW though.
H
xx
Sunday
Picked up a brochure for acupuncture at the gym I go to because I've heard a lot of women find it helps them during IVF. As if there weren't enough needles to face as it is!
Had the evening out with my parents to see Simply Red. It was a bit weird as my Mum was on "super, mega happy, look at me, how organised am I?" mode after the loss of her father. It was a bit exhausting TBH and we got absolutely soaked by this enormous thunderstorm!
She and her sister and my Nan have come up with some good ideas for the funeral so far. No black at service. Fish n Chip dinner afterwards (Gramps' fav) followed by each member of the family releasing a helium balloon for him. My Grandparents celebrated their Diamond Wedding at the beginning of June (yes literally 4 weeks ago ) and he took great delight at letting them go while my Mum and my Aunt sang Abba with Helium enhanced voices!
H
xx
Picked up a brochure for acupuncture at the gym I go to because I've heard a lot of women find it helps them during IVF. As if there weren't enough needles to face as it is!
Had the evening out with my parents to see Simply Red. It was a bit weird as my Mum was on "super, mega happy, look at me, how organised am I?" mode after the loss of her father. It was a bit exhausting TBH and we got absolutely soaked by this enormous thunderstorm!
She and her sister and my Nan have come up with some good ideas for the funeral so far. No black at service. Fish n Chip dinner afterwards (Gramps' fav) followed by each member of the family releasing a helium balloon for him. My Grandparents celebrated their Diamond Wedding at the beginning of June (yes literally 4 weeks ago
) and he took great delight at letting them go while my Mum and my Aunt sang Abba with Helium enhanced voices! H
xx
Monday
Decided against the acupuncture today. Too many needles and how would it work when I can't have the therapist there during egg collection? Made a call to the hypno-therapist, but just got an answering machine. Felt a bit odd leaving a message, bit did so anyway. No doubt he'll call me back tomorrow when my bosses are around and I can't talk!
Rung my Nan this evening. She seems ok, she had a bit of a wobbly voice when I was speaking to her, but seems intent on sorting everything out.
Also rung my brother. He was still at work, but spoke to my Sis-in-law. Things have been a bit weird on that front. The week after we tearfully told my parents that we needed IVF, she and my brother announced she was 8 weeks PG. By the sounds of things it didn't take much trying either. My poor mother has been in turmoil not knowing quite what to do for the best and not wanting to upset anyone. My bro and sis-in-law were quite upset that my Mum asked them not to announce it at the Diamond Wedding Do and took them up the day after to tell my grandparents (when we weren't around). The subject was decidedly off-limits up till then. By then it had been off-limits so long that it didn't come back on-limits again and they were really upset that my Mum hadn't congratulated them.
After the Do my brother rang her in tears about it. Thankfully my sis-in-law had been in touch with me by email so I knew something funny had been going on and was able to talk to my Mum before they went up to see them and sort things out. Happily all seems to be ok now, although I think my Mum is still uncomfortable talking about it around me. My brother (and particularly my sis-in-law) have been really understanding with me and OH and are ok with us keeping a wide berth around Xmas when the baby is due.
Can't help feeling a bit cheated that they got there first. They have been together longer than OH and I but my sis-in-law is younger than me and although bro is older than me, he is younger than my OH. So we feel like an older couple than them, if that makes sense.
It's been great to get support from my parents, but if I'd known how much it would upset the family by telling them about IVF, I might not have said anything.
H
xx
Decided against the acupuncture today. Too many needles and how would it work when I can't have the therapist there during egg collection? Made a call to the hypno-therapist, but just got an answering machine. Felt a bit odd leaving a message, bit did so anyway. No doubt he'll call me back tomorrow when my bosses are around and I can't talk!
Rung my Nan this evening. She seems ok, she had a bit of a wobbly voice when I was speaking to her, but seems intent on sorting everything out.
Also rung my brother. He was still at work, but spoke to my Sis-in-law. Things have been a bit weird on that front. The week after we tearfully told my parents that we needed IVF, she and my brother announced she was 8 weeks PG. By the sounds of things it didn't take much trying either. My poor mother has been in turmoil not knowing quite what to do for the best and not wanting to upset anyone. My bro and sis-in-law were quite upset that my Mum asked them not to announce it at the Diamond Wedding Do and took them up the day after to tell my grandparents (when we weren't around). The subject was decidedly off-limits up till then. By then it had been off-limits so long that it didn't come back on-limits again and they were really upset that my Mum hadn't congratulated them.
After the Do my brother rang her in tears about it. Thankfully my sis-in-law had been in touch with me by email so I knew something funny had been going on and was able to talk to my Mum before they went up to see them and sort things out. Happily all seems to be ok now, although I think my Mum is still uncomfortable talking about it around me. My brother (and particularly my sis-in-law) have been really understanding with me and OH and are ok with us keeping a wide berth around Xmas when the baby is due.
Can't help feeling a bit cheated that they got there first. They have been together longer than OH and I but my sis-in-law is younger than me and although bro is older than me, he is younger than my OH. So we feel like an older couple than them, if that makes sense.
It's been great to get support from my parents, but if I'd known how much it would upset the family by telling them about IVF, I might not have said anything.
H
xx
Tuesday
Another long day at work again today. Missed running club tonight for the 3rd week in a row. Cross with myself for that as I'm supposed to be de-stressing not getting more stressed!
Things are getting really hyper at work at the mo. It's all a big secret so I can't say anything just in case.
After being told at New Patients Evening last week that in the run up to treatment, we should look to keep our alcohol intake to max. 6 units (me) or max. 12 units (OH) we've been trying to ease off. We agreed that drinking the max is not a good idea and that I would aim for no more than 4 units and he would go for no more than 8. We're not alcoholics but we like a glass of wine. I started counting on Saturday and have had 2 glasses so far this week. I'd counted that as 2 units, but the back of the wine bottle says otherwise....1.6 units per glass. That means I can only have another half glass this week.
Aaarrggghhhh!!!
I know... I know... it'll be worth it in the end, but I'm fed up of my life being on hold without the end result.
H
x
P.S. Have not heard from hypnotherapist yet.
Another long day at work again today. Missed running club tonight for the 3rd week in a row. Cross with myself for that as I'm supposed to be de-stressing not getting more stressed!
Things are getting really hyper at work at the mo. It's all a big secret so I can't say anything just in case.
After being told at New Patients Evening last week that in the run up to treatment, we should look to keep our alcohol intake to max. 6 units (me) or max. 12 units (OH) we've been trying to ease off. We agreed that drinking the max is not a good idea and that I would aim for no more than 4 units and he would go for no more than 8. We're not alcoholics but we like a glass of wine. I started counting on Saturday and have had 2 glasses so far this week. I'd counted that as 2 units, but the back of the wine bottle says otherwise....1.6 units per glass. That means I can only have another half glass this week.
Aaarrggghhhh!!!
I know... I know... it'll be worth it in the end, but I'm fed up of my life being on hold without the end result.H
x
P.S. Have not heard from hypnotherapist yet.
Hi Helen,
I am really sorry to hear you sounding down and given yesterdays results i don't really know what ti say except that you and your OH sound like really strong people and I am sure you will get your result one day. I know what you mean about feeling like your life is on hold though but as my mum would say "good things always come to those who wait." I am sure your time will come.!!!!!
Take Care
Paula
P.S. I think this is a really useful thread and I think there will be loads of people who agree
I am really sorry to hear you sounding down and given yesterdays results i don't really know what ti say except that you and your OH sound like really strong people and I am sure you will get your result one day. I know what you mean about feeling like your life is on hold though but as my mum would say "good things always come to those who wait." I am sure your time will come.!!!!!
Take Care
Paula
P.S. I think this is a really useful thread and I think there will be loads of people who agree
Wednesday
Ordered lots of classical music last night. All CDs with "relax" or "calm" in the title!
Another tough day at work today. I tend to be other peoples agony aunt at work, particularly at the moment. Must try not to absorb their grumbles. Nearly told one of the other managers today about impending IVF and then chickened out. Just not sure what the reaction would be.
Caught a discussion on radio 2 today about IVF. All these people saying IVF is wrong and if you can't have children you should just accept it, made me really fed up. Think I'll have another listen again tonight and see what I make of it.
H
xx
Ordered lots of classical music last night. All CDs with "relax" or "calm" in the title!
Another tough day at work today. I tend to be other peoples agony aunt at work, particularly at the moment. Must try not to absorb their grumbles. Nearly told one of the other managers today about impending IVF and then chickened out. Just not sure what the reaction would be.
Caught a discussion on radio 2 today about IVF. All these people saying IVF is wrong and if you can't have children you should just accept it, made me really fed up. Think I'll have another listen again tonight and see what I make of it.
H
xx
All those people saying that IVF is wrong should just shut up!!! They obvoiusly don't have a clue what it's like to be ttc for a long time. Fair enough, if you are 65 and wanting IVF, then, it's a different matter. There are some really narrow minded people out there! Ignore them!!!!!!!!
Hope all is going well.
PS I had stopped doing as much exercise as I'm used to due to feeling down, but I went to "spinning" class tonigh and feel much better.....more chilled. I think that going to running club would b a good thing for you. U can always think whilst you run...
Take care....
Hope all is going well.
PS I had stopped doing as much exercise as I'm used to due to feeling down, but I went to "spinning" class tonigh and feel much better.....more chilled. I think that going to running club would b a good thing for you. U can always think whilst you run...
Take care....
Wobbles
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Why is it wrong? What is wrong wanting to love & care for a child of your own 
Narrow minded idiots!! I wouldn't pay any attention to it, I know if my circumstances ever lead me there I would go ahead with this cycle too!
Narrow minded idiots!! I wouldn't pay any attention to it, I know if my circumstances ever lead me there I would go ahead with this cycle too!Little Miss Joslyn
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Awh Helen. Dont let these critics get you down hun. 
They are negative and most likely to give up when the going gets tough! My moto is like that song which says " If at first you dont succeed, pick yourself up and try again" when you get your BFP it will be extra special and they say "All good things come to those who wait" and you have been waiting and i admire you for not giving up like those idiots on the radio!
Give yourself a pat on the back girl and i look forward to hearing how you get on with your IVF. x
They are negative and most likely to give up when the going gets tough! My moto is like that song which says " If at first you dont succeed, pick yourself up and try again" when you get your BFP it will be extra special and they say "All good things come to those who wait" and you have been waiting and i admire you for not giving up like those idiots on the radio!Give yourself a pat on the back girl and i look forward to hearing how you get on with your IVF. x
Friday
On Thursday the classical CDs had arrived (all 6 of them!). On the way home I stuck one on in the car and the Moonlight Sonata came on. Beautiful piece which my second cousin had been playing at my grandparents diamond wedding celebration 5 weeks ago.
It was my Gramps' funeral on Friday. I've never felt so consumed by grief despite losing 2 grandparents all ready. I seemed to find myself crying and laughing all day long.
Laughing as everyone remembers fun stuff he did and crying when we realised we wouldn't have any more from him.
When the coffin came into the chapel they played Moonlight Sonata, felt weird that I had only been listening to it the night before. I don't know if I believe in signs and all that, but that felt like one.
I felt really protective of my 2 younger cousins, they are in their early 20s so I made sure we were sat with them rather than them being on their own. A couple of times during the service we put our arms round each other and I found that really comforting.
I was really touched that my OH shed a tear too.
The releasing of the balloons worked really well. We let them all go at the same time and they all stayed together, at one point forming a straight line in the sky.
One of the hardest parts of the day was saying goodbye to my Nan at the end of the day. She started crying and I felt so inadequate trying to comfort her while crying myself.
I think he would have been happy with his send off. I could almost hear him poking fun at us all.
H
xx
On Thursday the classical CDs had arrived (all 6 of them!). On the way home I stuck one on in the car and the Moonlight Sonata came on. Beautiful piece which my second cousin had been playing at my grandparents diamond wedding celebration 5 weeks ago.
It was my Gramps' funeral on Friday. I've never felt so consumed by grief despite losing 2 grandparents all ready. I seemed to find myself crying and laughing all day long.
Laughing as everyone remembers fun stuff he did and crying when we realised we wouldn't have any more from him. When the coffin came into the chapel they played Moonlight Sonata, felt weird that I had only been listening to it the night before. I don't know if I believe in signs and all that, but that felt like one.
I felt really protective of my 2 younger cousins, they are in their early 20s so I made sure we were sat with them rather than them being on their own. A couple of times during the service we put our arms round each other and I found that really comforting.
I was really touched that my OH shed a tear too.
The releasing of the balloons worked really well. We let them all go at the same time and they all stayed together, at one point forming a straight line in the sky.
One of the hardest parts of the day was saying goodbye to my Nan at the end of the day. She started crying and I felt so inadequate trying to comfort her while crying myself.
I think he would have been happy with his send off. I could almost hear him poking fun at us all.
H
xx
Saturday
Had a bad nights sleep last night despite being exhausted. Woke up 15 minutes before Tai Chi class due to start so flung myself out of bed a careered down the road to the gym. Just made it.
I had naively thought that it would be a bit of easy arm waving, but it was actually pretty complicated especially as I have no co-ordination between left and right.
There was one bit that I found particularly poignant when we did a few moves to gather in the chi and then after you do that you put your hands on your belly to let it flow into your body. I got a really good feeling about that.
H
xx
Had a bad nights sleep last night despite being exhausted. Woke up 15 minutes before Tai Chi class due to start so flung myself out of bed a careered down the road to the gym. Just made it.
I had naively thought that it would be a bit of easy arm waving, but it was actually pretty complicated especially as I have no co-ordination between left and right.
There was one bit that I found particularly poignant when we did a few moves to gather in the chi and then after you do that you put your hands on your belly to let it flow into your body. I got a really good feeling about that.
H
xx
Sunday
Had a big housework blitz yesterday whilst OH at work. Found the last few ovulation sticks I had left and threw them out. I still have one PG test left in the house going out of date
but haven't thrown that out yet.
Is this denial?
First counselling session on Tuesday afternoon and have the afternoon off work. Not sure how I'm going to explain that one away. If you were me, would you tell work?
H
xx
Had a big housework blitz yesterday whilst OH at work. Found the last few ovulation sticks I had left and threw them out. I still have one PG test left in the house going out of date
but haven't thrown that out yet. Is this denial?
First counselling session on Tuesday afternoon and have the afternoon off work. Not sure how I'm going to explain that one away. If you were me, would you tell work?
H
xx
lauramumof2
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I would tell work. You know your people at work though, would it go against you? I told my old boss and he was very nice about it, time off was no problem. I think that was because he was a man and the thought of a conversation about bits and bobs was a bit too much for him.
Little Miss Joslyn
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I would tell work too Helen as your health is important and i see a councillor once a month but i take it in my lunch break as only round the corner. Im upset as my theropy sessions end with her in a couple of weeks and I find she is helping me to cope. She told me i need to change my way of thinking and to put what she has taught me into practice. easier said than done when you are suffering from anxiety! I have got to see the gynocologist tuesday and told work and managed to change my day off that week. Then again, If you have booked the afternoon off anyway then I wouldnt bother telling them unless they ask! x
I have got to see the gynocologist tuesday and told work and managed to change my day off that week. Then again, If you have booked the afternoon off anyway then I wouldnt bother telling them unless they ask! xMonday
Told one of the other managers at work today. He's on the same level as me as I decided not to say anything to my boss. The other Manager and I get on really well at work, but I don't think he got it. Bit daft of me to think he would really. I told him I needed to be stress free and he asked me if I thought I would be better off leaving!
Aside from that tactless remark he was ok with it, but didn't really want to discuss it and couldn't really see what it had to do with him. Oh well.
Why is it that despite the fact that I know I won't be PG each month I still convince myself that my boobs are sorer than they've ever been, that I'm more tired than normal and that those cramps aren't AF, they are implantation cramps?
Apprehensive and looking forward to counsellor tomorrow in equal parts. I'm nervous because I don't really know what to expect and looking forward to it because I hope it helps me accept what is happening to us.
H
xx
Told one of the other managers at work today. He's on the same level as me as I decided not to say anything to my boss. The other Manager and I get on really well at work, but I don't think he got it. Bit daft of me to think he would really. I told him I needed to be stress free and he asked me if I thought I would be better off leaving!
Aside from that tactless remark he was ok with it, but didn't really want to discuss it and couldn't really see what it had to do with him. Oh well.
Why is it that despite the fact that I know I won't be PG each month I still convince myself that my boobs are sorer than they've ever been, that I'm more tired than normal and that those cramps aren't AF, they are implantation cramps?
Apprehensive and looking forward to counsellor tomorrow in equal parts. I'm nervous because I don't really know what to expect and looking forward to it because I hope it helps me accept what is happening to us.
H
xx
