Diary of an IVFer

[Amanda]

Helen, I just wanted to share a bit of good news with you. A colleague I work with (I wouldn't say a friend, but we know each other, we work in different departments) has just given birth to a healthy baby girl 12 days early. And she was conceived though IVF!

I don't know the exact circumstances as to why they had IVF, or how many attempts, but we were comparing scan photos, and she had the ones of the little 3 cell emryos, which I thought was really special.

 

[Helen]

Tuesday

Took the afternoon off today so that I can chill before going to see counsellor at hospital.

Chilling is not working so far.

Left work earlier than anticipated. The firm I work for is in the process of being taken over and the new owners had arranged to come into to interview key staff. I felt pretty aggrieved that I hadn't been included in the "key staff" list as one of the senior managers and I found out why today. The Manager who I told about the IVF yesterday was seen first and I caught up with him to find out how it went.

Him: "Oh, I talked to her about you".
Me: "Oh?"
Him: "She might want to see you"
Me: "Oh good"
Him: "Apparently they are going to move the HR function elsewhere, but they want the quality to stay in-house. I told her you were good at both"
Me: "Right..... I have somewhere else I have to be..." *running for door*
Him: "Isn't that good news?"
Me: "No" *door slams*

Since my role is HR Manager (with the quality stuff thrown in, maybe one day a week) and the "HR Function" is being moved elsewhere, that means there isn't a frigging job for me!?!?!?

Been pretty upset. I've texted my boss (the outgoing MD) and told him I'm upset and want to meet up with him tomorrow. Will see what he says, but it looks pretty bad for me. Just when we're trying to save up the £4k for IVF as well. That's going ahead, come what may!

Got home and the junior school next door to us is having their sports day. So, so gorgeous. Feel like some nutty stalker watching from window. At least counsellor will have something to go on this afternoon.

....Wibble....

H

xx

 

[Helen]

OH has just texted me a picture of the Looney Tunes logo.

Supportive!

 

[Helen]

Tuesday afternoon
Went to Counsellor and found it a really useful session. She was pretty clever without saying very much I waffled all about TTC, IVF, ex-DH, OH, work all within the hour.

I managed to have a good blub (I was having a bad enough day as it was!) and she was completely chilled about it. Apparently all these emotions of anger, bitterness, grief are completely normal reactions to have and I am not certifiable after all.

She said she thought that I worried too much about the future that may not happen. For example I told her I was worried about what I would do with my life if this doesn't work and we don't have children.

She also said that I take on too much of other people's worries particularly when I'm having a hard time myself and it's no wonder that I'm getting tearful all the time.

We see her together next week and then 2 weeks after that I'm back for another session with her.

H

x

 

[Helen]

Tuesday Evening
Finally made it back to running club. Did 6 miles through loads of nettles wearing my shorts. Hot, but fun and a good stress aid!

Rung my boss when I got home about my job. Apparently it was the first he had heard about me losing it when the other Manager dropped the bombshell. He'd rung the new owner afterwards and she is planning on passing the HR bit of my job away but she said she'd heard I could do other stuff. Hopefully all is not lost.

Anyway, he was ok about me killing the other guy, so asked him to come in half an hour later today so I could do it before he got there.

Took that opportunity to tell him about the IVF (partly tactical in event of losing my job ) and he was very sweet about it and said he wanted to give me a hug although he agreed it would be a CLM (career limiting move) to point it out to new employers.

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Wednesday morning
Hardly slept last night and felt like s*** when I got up. Not exactly motivated to go to work. Decided that I would see the other Manager as soon as I got in and give him what for. I did!

I took him off into a quiet room and shouted and screamed and ranted at him. I was crying and shaking with rage. Pretty scary really. Anyway he spent 2 hours grovelling and apologising so I felt better. Everytime he said anything like "I'm an idiot" I just agreed with him. No mercy!

My boss came in for a chat and said he was ok with me working from home for a couple of days till I feel ok about coming in.

The other Manager felt so guilty about how he'd been that he suggested I didn't work at all today. So I agreed to that.

When I got home I'd had a missed call from the BUPA hospital to say they'd had a cancellation for this afternoon and did we want to come in a week earlier to see the specialist. OH was on a study day at home so we jumped at the chance!

She went through our test results, everything seems to be ok with the scan and the blood tests or consistent with "ovulatary disfunction". Looks like we'll definitely be needing ICSI.

She also asked me what drugs we wanted. No idea! Then felt like naughty school children because we hadn't really checked on that bit before we got there!

Decided on a single injection to down regulate rather than daily ones (it's more expensive this way apparently but otherwise the same) and daily injections for stimulation thereafter using these pen thingamybobs. We thought they sounded easier to handle and of course these are also more expensive!

She booked our next appointment for next Wed with the nurse. This is the nurse consulation where we sign all the legal bits and .... pay!!! Eeeek!!!

Should be under way in next 2 or 3 months time

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Friday

I've had the last couple of days working from home which I have to say have been bliss! Thinking of writing a "working from home policy" this afternoon. The perks of HR!

Spent most of yesterday morning reassuring folks by email that I've not had a nervous breakdown about the takeover (it's been announced in the office now) and I hadn't resigned (apparently that rumour had also been going around).

Manager who upset me has been emailing me and calling me to check I'm ok. Guilty! Ha! Said he got a bollocking off his g/f and his Mum when he told them what he'd done, so is feeling lousy. Good! Also had a few really nice emails from some of the other Managers checking up on me and saying that they wouldn't want me to leave. Feel dead chuffed by that. My bosses wife (the FD) rang me today to say that she didn't think the 2 blokes were sorting it out quick enough so she rang me new boss last night and told her that they couldn't do without me, that they needed me and that it would cause too much shock for the other staff if I left. New boss backtracked and said that Manager bloke had misunderstood what she meant. Phew!

Spoke to Hypnotherapist today. He's pretty sure he can help me with relaxation techniques during the egg collection and will do me a CD to take with me to help me relax. He also said that depending on how "talented" I am as a hypnotee I should be able to block out pain too. I have my first session on Monday evening. Quite excited.

Managed to forget to ask about OH's request for ultimate power over me using a trigger word!

 

[Helen]

Weekend

Had a weird weekend for a few reasons:

1. Had this really vivid dream that I was a mother over the weekend. My baby was a boy and was a few months old. He was called James Joshua God knows where they came from as they aren't names I'd considered. I was holding him and could feel the weight of him and him wriggling when I passed him to my Dad to hold. He started crying and my Mum took him and laid him on his back on the floor. We walked away from him but I didn't feel sad at all, more that that was a good thing. Confused? Yeah me too.

2. Had a chat with my Mum about my Dad giving up work and retiring. His work are awful to him because of his age. They don't bother giving him any training, they treat him like dirt and pay him crap. He raised a grievance recently (with assistance of HR Manager daughter ) and they have ignored it! Anyway she said that after last weeks scare with my job he felt that he couldn't because he didn't want anything financial to stand in my way. Awwww. Was so moved by that, but this job is making him poorly so told Mum he needed to put himself first and that we would survive whatever happens.

3. AF arrived this am. Day 37! Why do I have to have such long cycles!? SO UNFAIR! After day 34 I was getting sorta excited and hoping and hoping and hoping for a miracle. Even though I know it can't happen, I just would love to be one of these women that wonderously gets PG just before an IVF cycle. Why can't it be me?

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Monday

Went to the hypnotherapist tonight. Feel great as a result. Had a long chat first and talked about the egg collection procedure and what hypnotherapy can do. Some people actually have operations that normally require general anaethestic just with hypnotherapy!

Not quite that advanced but felt really relaxed during session and he said I would have a great nights sleep tonight. Feel quite positive. Going for another session next Monday and he will do me a CD that I can listen to to practice on.

In the meantime, I have homework. I have to practice going into hypnotic state by pressing thumb and forefinger on left hand together. Taking three deep breaths and thinking "relax"......

 

[Helen]

Tuesday
Had a great nights sleep last night after hypnotherapy yesterday. Feeling refreshed and positive all day despite moaning whingers at work.

Plus the bonus is that I realised I can claim the cost back on the health scheme we have at work. Result!

H

xx

 

[Wobbles]

Tuesday
Had a great nights sleep last night after hypnotherapy yesterday. Feeling refreshed and positive all day despite moaning whingers at work.

eally nice to see you've had a decent sleep Helen & had a positive day

x x

 

[Helen]

Wednesday
Was meant to be our nurse consultation appointment today. The hospital rang half an hour before our appointment to cancel it! Felt so disappointed as we thought we would get an idea of dates when we can start as well as things like practicing injections and signing all the legal documentation. I rang and had a rant down the phone at the poor Receptionist even spluttering "but I'm a private patient" in a really snobby sort of way. Ugh! The earliest they could book us in is next Tuesday which feels a million miles away!

Discovered today that our neice who is expecting her 2nd child aged 19 is considering abortion. My first reaction was "tell her we'll have it". OH of course pointed out how ridiculous that is, but I feel really conflicting emotions of jealousy, anger, bitterness towards her decision as well as understanding that she's in an impossible situation with one young baby, neither of them working and being constantly moved between council housing.

I've been practising my hypnotherapy relaxation. I'm supposed to practice for 10 mins. Tuesday night I was gone for 15 mins before I realised and last night half an hour passed! Feels great to take time out to relax.

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Thursday

We went for our joint counselling session yesterday. We have to go to one so that we can legally sign documents saying what we want to happen to spare embryos in the event of one of us dying.

If OH dies he has the choice to leave them for me to use after (which he has done and I am so so pleased about) and also another form to say whether or not he wants his name to be on the birth certificate as father. Apparently until Diane Blood changed the law a couple of years ago they always used to leave a blank space for father which is pretty sad.

My options are pretty limited. I can't leave them to him. Obviously that would require a surrogate mother and all the complications that brings. Legally she would be recorded as the mother and not me. We can't donate them to another couple (my next preferred option) as that would require us going through lots of tests for any hereditary problems which we would have to pay for and costs thousands. My only choices are to have them destroyed or to donate them to research. Frankly, I think either option is pretty dire.

In the end I decided that as I wouldn't be around that I would do whatever would be the easiest decision for OH in that situation as he would be the one left and coping with my death. We had a chat about it and he asked for them to go to research. The research is usually into IVF and causes of infertility apparently although I must read up on that and stop sticking my head in the sand about it.

The things you have to consider going through IVF are heartbreaking.

H

xx

 

[Helen]

Monday

Went for 2nd hypnotherapy session tonight. Therapist has made me 2 CDs. One with speaking on for me to practice on and another with just music for the big egg collection day. Feel really hopeful that it will help me stay calm.

Appointment with nurse tomorrow assuming they don't cancel that with half an hours notice.

Ready for it now. On Saturday I went for lunch with a friend of mine. In the pub some more people came in and parked their few month old baby facing us. Everytime I looked up, it was looking back at me. Then went to vets with Arfur (see left ) and vet proudly told me that he was a new Dad. I made polite noises whilst shouting inwardly "SHUT UP!!".

H

xx

 

[Wobbles]

Hi Helen

What happens tomorrow for you? I just spotted you ticker

 

[HayleyB]

In the pub some more people came in and parked their few month old baby facing us. Everytime I looked up, it was looking back at me. Then went to vets with Arfur (see left ) and vet proudly told me that he was a new Dad. I made polite noises whilst shouting inwardly "SHUT UP!!".

H

xx

Hate it when these things happen!!!!
Hope your nurses consultation doesn't get cancelled again!!!!

xox

 

[Helen]

Tuesday

A big day today. We finally had our nurse consultation. Phew! I'd thought that maybe it would take an hour... I left work at 11am and got back at 3pm (without having any lunch!).

There were loads of forms to complete:
* Welfare of the child questionnaire
* Consent to let doctors and previous specialists know what is happening
* Consent to Hepatitis, HIV and Syphilis screening (we've already had our tests but have to have them again as it will be more than 4 months by the time we actually start)
* Confirmation that we've had counselling
* Confirmation that we understand the treatments
* Consent to egg collection procedure
* Consent to use sperm
* Consent to ICSI
* Consent to embryo transfer
* Consent to freezing spare embryos
* Consent to allow embryos not initially suitable for freezing to develop further
* Consent to allow them to use unfertilised eggs to practice ICSI on
* Consent that we understand the costs
* Consent forms for storage of embryos and for posthumous use
* Consent form for an investigatory study
Brain was exhausted at this point!!

I have to book a mock embryo transfer before we go ahead and have a session to practice injecting the drugs. I need a mock transfer because I've had laser surgery to fix a dodgy smear about 8 years ago. Apparently that can leave scarring that makes the embryo transfer difficult. I'm not sure what happens if they find that they can't transfer the embryos properly. Sigh... in accordance with counsellors advice I am not worrying about anything until and unless it actually happens.

The main problem we had was with my cycle. It varies so much 25-47 days that it was really hard to work out when to start the cycle, particularly as our consultant is on holiday quite a bit. Egg collection procedure scheduled for 14th October, which means hopefully I'll start down-regging (supressant drugs) on 23rd September. Hopefully my next 2 periods won't be too far off 34 days and we should meet that. The nurse actually prescribed me the pill in case I come on early. The pill tides me over until I can start on the drugs. Thought I would never have to take that again!

It all got a bit fraught actually because the nurse kept asking if I thought I would come on by 23rd of September and I have absolutely no idea!!! I felt pretty tearful at that point, also when OH was signing his posthumous and after the appointment was over.

After the apppointment we forked out for the treatment (excluding drugs, that's extra) £2965!!!

To make matters worse they have the ACU (Assisted Conception Unit) on the same floor as the maternity ward. Yes... really. In the lift on the way down a nurse wheeled in a tiny newborn in one of those incubator cots. As we got in everyone sort of smiled at us because it looked like the baby was ours. I had to try really really hard not to completely blub at that point.

Roll on 23rd September!!!!!!!

H

xx

 

[Wobbles]

What a day Helen I bet it all seems more real now though.

x

 

[HayleyB]

Sounds like its all getting started!

xox

 

[Tam]

WOW Helen............

What a time you have been through

You must be so excited now that you have actual dates for different things now?! That must be like a light at the end of a tunnel for you both, although I realise you still have a way to go, but you know what I mean the ball is starting to roll now!!

I truely wish you the best of luck babe and really hope things go well for you

Fingers crossed babe & keep posting! xx