Ttc shit boat - long term ttcers

[Syd43]

Ah Blueflower, your post made me feel so sad. I've only been ttc for a year, only got together with my man about 15 months ago. I've always wanted children and I was single for such a long time I've been feeling the pain of not having children for years although without the added pain of ttc until last year. Almost of all of my friends are childless, mostly through choice, or have children that are grown up, I just cannot be around people that are pregnant or have small children. I feel like a terrible person for it but there it is.

I don't even talk to anyone about ttc, one of the advantages of being this age is everyone assumes I'm past it and most people assume I didn't want children, I can't bear for people to know. I reckon I've got a few more months of trying and then it's over, I just don't know how I'll get my head around the fact that I'll never be a mum.

I've really got everything crossed for you on this cycle, I'm sure you feel like you do because of previous bfns, I'll be keeping a close eye on your journal on Friday.

 

[Blueflower]

I was single for a long time too then my partner wasn't ready for a family until we'd been together for 5years! We've now been together for nearly 10!!
All my friends know I've always wanted children but some recent ones assume I don't or its too late. I was talking about something recently and someone said "oh for when your nephew comes round?" & I said "well we do want children as well!" She seemed surprised!
Why do you feel you've only got a few months left?
Thanks I so hope it will be different this time.

 

[Syd43]

I'm 44 now, it's already massively against the odds. I figure if it hasn't happened by the time I turn 45 then it really isn't going to.

Those sorts of comments or "surprise" that you're trying can be so hurtful, another reason I don't want anyone to know. This forum is my ttc life-line...

 

[phonixgirl]

Yes Blueflower, I can totally relate! That is my life!

How insensitive of them to assume you don't want or aren't going to have children. But I also hate it when people assume I could get pregnant tomorrow if I wanted to!

Feeling really poorly today and don't want to go to the hospital. I just want to sleep in my PJs on the sofa. All they will say is stop taking the tablets and wait for AF.

 

[stacesl3]

That pretty much sums it up Blueflower!! I really hope this is your time, very hard to stay positive all the time.

No on in my family ever asks me if I'm planning or want kids....I guess they assume I am past it now!! It will be a HUGE shock if I do fall pregnant again (no one knew about my past m/c except one friend). Funnily enough its one of the things I worry about...telling people, shouldn't really as I shouldn't care what people think!

LTTC is EXHAUSTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dont give up Syd, I know its sooooooooooooooooo hard not to focus on age, most of teh time I try not to but then these little doubts creep in now and then

 

[Syd43]

Thanks Staces, I know you're right. My reflexologist keeps telling me not to focus on age, especially as my amh test was so good. I just have days when the thought of seeing a positive result feels totally alien. So sorry about your mc's, can't even begin to imagine how awful that must be.

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking.

 

[snowbee]

I'm CD17. No positive opk so far. This afternoon I have af style cramps rather than ov pains, which is weird. I've been oving on CD17 or 18 on clomid so I was expecting a nearly pos opk this afternoon but there is barely a second line there. Wonder what is going on.

Anyone else gearing up for ov? I'm so bored of all this ttc shit. Feeling hard done by which is ridiculous as I love the rest of my life, it is just ttc that is totally rubbish!

 

[phonixgirl]

I hate this ttc stuff too but DH must hate it more as he wants to stop!

I think I passed the embryo last night although I'm still waiting for the cramps and AF. It was sadder than I expected. I told DH about it but he didn't say anything. It's really difficult to gauge what he's feeling at the moment as I thought he was doing OK until he said he'd had enough.

I guess I've got to hope that some kind of natural miracle happens.

 

[snowbee]

Oh phonix, big hugs. Hopefully when you oh has had time to think about things he will decide he is willing to continue after a bit of a break. It can be very intense all the mixed feelings ltttc brings.

A natural miracle is possible for you isn't it, you have eggs, tubes and uterus that are all ok and your oh has good swimmers, so never give up hope that it can happen. You do see stories of people like us who have been trying for an eternity and it suddenly happens. I know it isn't much consolation as you just think why the hell hasn't it happened already, something must be wrong that they can't find. The unknown is so hard to accept.

 

[snowbee]

I'm CD18, just done an opk and still clearly negative, not even close to being a positive. What is going on is this clomid cycle going to be a fail already grrrrrr. This is our penultimate round as well.

 

[stacesl3]

Thanks Staces, I know you're right. My reflexologist keeps telling me not to focus on age, especially as my amh test was so good. I just have days when the thought of seeing a positive result feels totally alien. So sorry about your mc's, can't even begin to imagine how awful that must be.

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking.

Same agee as you hun, its so depressing lol! I 'try' not to focus on it too much (not always easy though!). Thankyou, I have said to myself that I dont want another BFP unless its my take home baby, cant go thru that again. SO each month when I dont get my bfp I just think thats how it was meant to be as maybe that one wouldn't have stuck and this just brings me one stop closer to my sticky bean.... well I live in hope anyway!

 

[Blueflower]

I am 43, the Doctors all blame the lack of success so far on my age. And it only gets worse! Said donor eggs were the only thing left to try. The embryos we had tested kind of confirmed it too. But I have been trying since I was 38 & loads of ladies get pregnant at 38/39!

 

[Syd43]

Thanks Staces, I know you're right. My reflexologist keeps telling me not to focus on age, especially as my amh test was so good. I just have days when the thought of seeing a positive result feels totally alien. So sorry about your mc's, can't even begin to imagine how awful that must be.

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking.

Same agee as you hun, its so depressing lol! I 'try' not to focus on it too much (not always easy though!). Thankyou, I have said to myself that I dont want another BFP unless its my take home baby, cant go thru that again. SO each month when I dont get my bfp I just think thats how it was meant to be as maybe that one wouldn't have stuck and this just brings me one stop closer to my sticky bean.... well I live in hope anyway!

That's a great attitude I've just seen a specialist about my fibroids, they say generally fibroids shouldn't be a problem unless you have any that are particularly big which I do - almost 9cm. He's just done an mri and I have a follow up with him in a couple of weeks, he said depending on what the mri showed, he was leaning towards surgery to remove them. Just worries me that that's another 2 months I won't be able to try although if they are stopping me getting my bfp then it'll be worth it. Who knows...

Blueflower, I'm going all out on egg quality right now - did you do loads of supplements etc before you went the donor route? So excited for you today, I just cannot imagine how amazing it must be to see those two lines for the first time

 

[phonixgirl]

Oh phonix, big hugs. Hopefully when you oh has had time to think about things he will decide he is willing to continue after a bit of a break. It can be very intense all the mixed feelings ltttc brings.

A natural miracle is possible for you isn't it, you have eggs, tubes and uterus that are all ok and your oh has good swimmers, so never give up hope that it can happen. You do see stories of people like us who have been trying for an eternity and it suddenly happens. I know it isn't much consolation as you just think why the hell hasn't it happened already, something must be wrong that they can't find. The unknown is so hard to accept.

It's my uterus I'm concerned about - but then the chemical this month has given me a bit of hope. My clinic is leading the way in recurrent miscarriage research and they also offer an implantation clinic. I've decided to go for the implantation clinic to see if they can find anything. If they don't then I guess the problem is my eggs or just my hormones. This cycle was HRT so my hormones shouldn't have affected things but I'm well aware pcos can affect egg quality too.

Tbh I'm half wanting to go private, change clinic, forget about our last NHS fet and have more tests done. We can take our time then too.

Right now though DH is adamant he wants nothing more to do with it and I can't see him changing his mind. He keeps saying it and he's very stubborn. I'm on the supplements trying to settle my cycle instead (which he also doesn't agree with - but even if we do stop trying, I'm not having bleeding constantly).

 

[stacesl3]

Thanks Staces, I know you're right. My reflexologist keeps telling me not to focus on age, especially as my amh test was so good. I just have days when the thought of seeing a positive result feels totally alien. So sorry about your mc's, can't even begin to imagine how awful that must be.

How old are you? If you don't mind me asking.

Same agee as you hun, its so depressing lol! I 'try' not to focus on it too much (not always easy though!). Thankyou, I have said to myself that I dont want another BFP unless its my take home baby, cant go thru that again. SO each month when I dont get my bfp I just think thats how it was meant to be as maybe that one wouldn't have stuck and this just brings me one stop closer to my sticky bean.... well I live in hope anyway!

That's a great attitude I've just seen a specialist about my fibroids, they say generally fibroids shouldn't be a problem unless you have any that are particularly big which I do - almost 9cm. He's just done an mri and I have a follow up with him in a couple of weeks, he said depending on what the mri showed, he was leaning towards surgery to remove them. Just worries me that that's another 2 months I won't be able to try although if they are stopping me getting my bfp then it'll be worth it. Who knows...

Blueflower, I'm going all out on egg quality right now - did you do loads of supplements etc before you went the donor route? So excited for you today, I just cannot imagine how amazing it must be to see those two lines for the first time

I hate it when I miss trying on certain months, its frustrating but one of those things I guess. If the specialist thinks it could be stopping you from getting your bfp then I would definetely think about surgery, you never know you could get them removed and then get a bfp! It's hard really as there are no guarantees.

 

[Syd43]

Yup, we don't manage every month as it is since we currently live thousands of miles apart... Will see what the consultant says in a couple of weeks.

 

[Blueflower]

Blueflower, I'm going all out on egg quality right now - did you do loads of supplements etc before you went the donor route? So excited for you today, I just cannot imagine how amazing it must be to see those two lines for the first time

I did but the CGH indicated that it was chromosomal which you can't reverse. If the DNA strands are weakened due to age (!) then they pair up wrongly with the sperm DNA and you get odd numbers and gaps, my results were like a broken train track, it was awful! And really surprising as I'm quite young looking for my age so everyone assumed it would be ok.

Yes it was amazing, not really sunk in properly! Thank you!

 

[snowbee]

I'm now on CD19 and still no pos opk. I don't think I've ovd and missed it either. My temp is still down. I'm worried the clomid has stopped working.

 

[phonixgirl]

It's the chromosome thing that worries me too. I'm only 31 (32 next month) but apparently PCOS can make you have an inordinately high ratio of chromosomally abnormal embryos xx

 

[Syd43]

God that's one more thing to worry about. It's so unfair. I'm a foster Carer and see so many women have baby after baby that they can't or won't look after. Then there are so many women that would be amazing mum's and struggle to conceive.

Sorry, very tired and having a moment.