PLEASE HELP: Does this sound likely?

[R2D2]

Hello, and thanks for reading.

To set the scene: I started seeing a girl (let's call her Sarah) who I worked with for a year. She left work at the end of July.

To cut a long story short, we had sex a couple of times and on July 23rd, we (stupidly) were a little careless. Realising the implications of this, I took her to the pharmacy the next morning to get the morning after pill. As this was in a Supermaket, I went to get a drink for us both whilst she was in consultation with the pharmasist. Afterwards, I asked when she would take it. She said the pharmasist made her take it infront of him, as this was standard procedure.

On Wednesday of this last week (17 Aug), we met up as she had kept calling to try to meet up. In truth, I had fobbed her off as I found that she was hounding me to meet up. She then broke the news: she is pregnant.

Obviously, this was a lot to absorb and take in. It is NOT what I want, neither do I think it is a good idea for her to keep it. We are both fairly young (she is 22) and I don't feel that there is any mileage in a relationship with her.

I thought about things overnight and attended a nurse appointment with her the next day (very early, I thought, to be seeing a nurse?). When at the nurse, she said that the doctor had put down that she was 8 weeks pregnant. Alarm bells rang: it is only four weeks today, as I write, that the conception could have happened. I also wondered why the day before, Sarah had said that the doctor mentioned that the baby had a heart beat and at that point, she knew she had to keep it. I believed that baby's don't develop heart beats until about 6 weeks. My research would suggest that this is true. The nurse said that you go from the date of the last period; hers was 22nd June. These dates, to me, don't seem to make sense? Surely, she would have been due a period around July 20th? I know that these things aren't an exact science, but it seems unlikely to my mind.

Luckily, as this girl is from work, we have a mutual friend, who in truth is much better friends with me. She had told Sarah that it would be riddiculous to keep the child as it would ruin her career (which, incidently, she has worked hard to get to - considering her background too). I pointed out all of the reasons I thought that I thought the baby should not be kept and have made a decision that I would not want to have any dealings with it. I know that you may not understand why, but it would be highly impractical and I beleive that I would have such differing views on the way this child should be raised, compared to its mother. She said she may move back to the village where her family are. I was despairing by this point as I know that she moved to get away from her family and the cycle of low aspirations and poverty which she grew up in. Why would she want to bring up a child in these conditions>? I don't think she will change her mind and I have had to keep reminding her that the embryo is less than 4 weeks. She keeps saying it's 6 as something happens two weeks before conception. I explained that this was only the ovary preparing itself (sorry, if I sound completely ignorant - I don't claim to know much about this at all).

I have toiled with so many ideas and the one that played on my mind was this morning after pill story. So, I went to the pharmacy (the same one) and asked them their policy. They clearly told me that you do get questioned on some of the factors surrounding the need to take the pill but WOULD NOT be expected to do so at the pharmacy consultation room: she has lied to me about that.

I am in despair as she is romancising the idea of the pregnancy and I believe that she thinks I will 'come round' to the idea. She has said that one of my friends from work would be 'so happy for us'. I know this person wouldn't be; I think actually they would think how stupid we had been. She has also suggested that she is not going to keep it a secret from people and thinks everyone will need to know! She doesn't work there anymore and I doubt that many people would realistically see her again. It just makes me feel sick.

I believe that it is wrong to bring a baby that isn't wanted into the world. I know it's her body and her decision (I have told her this) but she cannot manipulate me to want it. I think she's making such a big mistake and will regret it. Financially, she is in no position to bring up a child. Even with the limited financial support I can provide, the child will not get the opportunities which I would want for my first born. Additionally, it will completely affect future relationships with this added baggage; she isn't being rational, in my view.

I am now also doubting that it is mine - with the whole dates thing. I have backed away and not made any contact for the last couple of days. I have cleared my head and know, fully, that I do not approve. Am I being selfish to make a decision to not know this child if it does prove to be mine? Perhaps my doubts are a way of trying to wriggle out of this situation. I know that I need to face up to these actions and will have to, if it is mine.

Sorry that this post is a little confusing. I would just be interested to hear any views on this situation. Am I being trapped into this.
Thanks for your support.

 

[R2D2]

By the way, I realise after looking here that this is really a forum for women, rather than men. I didn't realise but hope it's ok for me to post and would really appreciate advice. I know that some of you will totally disregard my opinion that an abortion is a viable option; I guess if you're pregnant now and reading this, you will have a very emotional reponse to this. Please excuse my insensitivity and understand that I just do not see a future for me and this girl and am just so unsure of what is fact and what is fiction.

Thanks for your understanding.

 

[Jaxx01]

Firstly I dont think it's standard procedure for you to take the MAP infront of the pharmacist...I have known a couplpe of people to take it and they never had to do this!!

With regards to dates...the doctor would be going by her last period so if her period was 22nd June thats when they would date the pregnancy from until she has a dating scan...as you normally ovulate 2 weeks before your period is due and the average cycle is 28 days this would mean that you are officailly 4 weeks pregnant when you conceived only 2 weeks ago!!! So if her cycle was 28 days she would have been due 19th July BUT she may well have ovulated late therefore making her cycle longer?? Does that make sensE??

Hope this all makes sense???

But from what you've said unfortunately, it does look possible that she never received the MAP

 

[titch]

Gosh sounds like youre in a really difficult situation. Sorry youre going through this.

With the dates thing, its true they date a pregnancy from the last period. So when they say she's eight weeks pregnant they know that the first few weeks of that were pre-conception, but they count it like this as the only accurate way of dating a pregnancy.

Womens cycles really do vary loads, take a look in the 'trying to conceive' section, where women are tracking their cycles and you'll see the huge variation. Its possible that when you had unprotected sex she was expecting her period in a few days time. Although 2 weeks after your period is the peak time to conceive, you can conceive anytime in your cycle, even during your period. Its not surprising for that to happen.

She wouldve known very quickly if her period was late, but might not have been getting positive pregnancy tests for a while.

Also its possible, although you were using contraception, that she conceived the first time you had sex.

There are a few mummies on here who took the morning after pill but continued to become pregnant. The 'success' rates of the morning after pill are pretty poor if you look them up.

SOrry if this is loads of info, there are so many factors to consider, but all in all, Im not surprised that shes pregnant, and think that theres more than a slim chance that its your child

But her lieing about taking the pill in front of the pharmacist raises some alarm bells. You could take it there and then, if you wanted, but its not policy.

 

[cosmicgirl]

^wss
If you've had unprotected sex with this girl then it's very likely that she's pregnant with your baby.

 

[titch]

I suppose the question is, did she deliberately get pregnant or not...

 

[R2D2]

Thanks for your thoughts. That does make more sense now; however, am I right in saying that the foetus is still 4 weeks though? (sorry if that's a stupid question).

My thoughts are that maybe she didn't take the MAP. It could also be possible that it's not mine, although she said she hadn't been with anyone else before me for a while.

I think she is desperate for a baby. I learnt in the nurse visit that she miscarried at 17! I didn't know that and it made me think that this is what she wants and has almost planned this to happen

I guess I shouldn't make any judgement about the involvement which I may or may not have; it would depend on so many factors. I just think it's a terrible mistake.

Is it really unreasonable for me to ask her to do a test in front of me? Can you get ones which tell you how many weeks?

Thanks for your reply. I hope everything goes well for you

 

[R2D2]

Gosh sounds like youre in a really difficult situation. Sorry youre going through this.

With the dates thing, its true they date a pregnancy from the last period. So when they say she's eight weeks pregnant they know that the first few weeks of that were pre-conception, but they count it like this as the only accurate way of dating a pregnancy.

Womens cycles really do vary loads, take a look in the 'trying to conceive' section, where women are tracking their cycles and you'll see the huge variation. Its possible that when you had unprotected sex she was expecting her period in a few days time. Although 2 weeks after your period is the peak time to conceive, you can conceive anytime in your cycle, even during your period. Its not surprising for that to happen.

She wouldve known very quickly if her period was late, but might not have been getting positive pregnancy tests for a while.

Also its possible, although you were using contraception, that she conceived the first time you had sex.

There are a few mummies on here who took the morning after pill but continued to become pregnant. The 'success' rates of the morning after pill are pretty poor if you look them up.

SOrry if this is loads of info, there are so many factors to consider, but all in all, Im not surprised that shes pregnant, and think that theres more than a slim chance that its your child

But her lieing about taking the pill in front of the pharmacist raises some alarm bells. You could take it there and then, if you wanted, but its not policy.

That does make sense. I know that I am as much to blame for it being conceived, if it is mine.

Maybe I am clutching at straws. It was just that our mutual friend was told about it last week, so it just seems very quick (3 weeks) to establish that you're pregnant and have been to the docs and booked a nurse appointment.

I guess I thought that the MAP was going to be ok - that's if she took it. I suppose I have learnt a very important lesson here. I am ashamed that I am in this situation.

Thanks for your help and good luck with your pregnancy.

 

[titch]

theres no point doing a test as the ones which date (clear blue digital) only tell you 1-2 weeks, 2-3 weeks or 3+ weeks. Hers would say 3+ and you'd be none the wiser unfortunately. Also theyre not very accurate and doctors dont rate them at all!

When she goes for a scan at 12 weeks they measure the fetus and will recalculate the age from the measurements, so make sure you go to that scan if you want to know the truth! they seem to think that dating pregnancy this way is pretty accurate.

Sorry if this is too personal, but Im assuming you used a condom the first time you had sex, do you think she couldve gotten pregnant this time?

 

[titch]

Gosh sounds like youre in a really difficult situation. Sorry youre going through this.

With the dates thing, its true they date a pregnancy from the last period. So when they say she's eight weeks pregnant they know that the first few weeks of that were pre-conception, but they count it like this as the only accurate way of dating a pregnancy.

Womens cycles really do vary loads, take a look in the 'trying to conceive' section, where women are tracking their cycles and you'll see the huge variation. Its possible that when you had unprotected sex she was expecting her period in a few days time. Although 2 weeks after your period is the peak time to conceive, you can conceive anytime in your cycle, even during your period. Its not surprising for that to happen.

She wouldve known very quickly if her period was late, but might not have been getting positive pregnancy tests for a while.

Also its possible, although you were using contraception, that she conceived the first time you had sex.

There are a few mummies on here who took the morning after pill but continued to become pregnant. The 'success' rates of the morning after pill are pretty poor if you look them up.

SOrry if this is loads of info, there are so many factors to consider, but all in all, Im not surprised that shes pregnant, and think that theres more than a slim chance that its your child

But her lieing about taking the pill in front of the pharmacist raises some alarm bells. You could take it there and then, if you wanted, but its not policy.

That does make sense. I know that I am as much to blame for it being conceived, if it is mine.

Maybe I am clutching at straws. It was just that our mutual friend was told about it last week, so it just seems very quick (3 weeks) to establish that you're pregnant and have been to the docs and booked a nurse appointment.

I guess I thought that the MAP was going to be ok - that's if she took it. I suppose I have learnt a very important lesson here. I am ashamed that I am in this situation.

Thanks for your help and good luck with your pregnancy.

please dont be ashamed, you are definately not the first person to be in this situation.

Personally, I saw the doctor the day after I did a home pregnancy test, I didnt have to see a nurse, but policy varies from area to area. Possibly, as she has a history of miscarriage she wouldve been referred to the nurse?

 

[Maria1977]

Gosh sounds like youre in a really difficult situation. Sorry youre going through this.

With the dates thing, its true they date a pregnancy from the last period. So when they say she's eight weeks pregnant they know that the first few weeks of that were pre-conception, but they count it like this as the only accurate way of dating a pregnancy.

Womens cycles really do vary loads, take a look in the 'trying to conceive' section, where women are tracking their cycles and you'll see the huge variation. Its possible that when you had unprotected sex she was expecting her period in a few days time. Although 2 weeks after your period is the peak time to conceive, you can conceive anytime in your cycle, even during your period. Its not surprising for that to happen.

She wouldve known very quickly if her period was late, but might not have been getting positive pregnancy tests for a while.

Also its possible, although you were using contraception, that she conceived the first time you had sex.

There are a few mummies on here who took the morning after pill but continued to become pregnant. The 'success' rates of the morning after pill are pretty poor if you look them up.

SOrry if this is loads of info, there are so many factors to consider, but all in all, Im not surprised that shes pregnant, and think that theres more than a slim chance that its your child

But her lieing about taking the pill in front of the pharmacist raises some alarm bells. You could take it there and then, if you wanted, but its not policy.

WSS^^

Also, if she does want to have this baby it really is her choice and she may not expect anything from you at all, she may really want to be a mother. It may be something that, unfortunately, you are just going to have to take a back seat over and await the outcome. If it comes to it, you could ask for a DNA test. But like has been said, you could use all the contraception in the world and still conceive!! Nothing, even used altogether, is 100% effective!

 

[R2D2]

please dont be ashamed, you are definately not the first person to be in this situation.

Personally, I saw the doctor the day after I did a home pregnancy test, I didnt have to see a nurse, but policy varies from area to area. Possibly, as she has a history of miscarriage she wouldve been referred to the nurse?

And I won't be the last, I suppose.

I guess that's possible. The other thing is this: does the doctor do a test? Could this be, and this sounds really horrible, a phantom pregnancy? Maybe clutching at straws but is this possible?

 

[R2D2]

theres no point doing a test as the ones which date (clear blue digital) only tell you 1-2 weeks, 2-3 weeks or 3+ weeks. Hers would say 3+ and you'd be none the wiser unfortunately. Also theyre not very accurate and doctors dont rate them at all!

When she goes for a scan at 12 weeks they measure the fetus and will recalculate the age from the measurements, so make sure you go to that scan if you want to know the truth! they seem to think that dating pregnancy this way is pretty accurate.

Sorry if this is too personal, but Im assuming you used a condom the first time you had sex, do you think she couldve gotten pregnant this time?

We did use protection, other than that once.

What a silly mistake

 

[R2D2]

WSS^^

Also, if she does want to have this baby it really is her choice and she may not expect anything from you at all, she may really want to be a mother. It may be something that, unfortunately, you are just going to have to take a back seat over and await the outcome. If it comes to it, you could ask for a DNA test. But like has been said, you could use all the contraception in the world and still conceive!! Nothing, even used altogether, is 100% effective!

You're absolutely right. There's no guarantees with anything. Lesson learnt!

I suppose it will be a waiting game. The things to establish are now clearer:

1. Is she definitely pregnant? Do I have proof?
2. How many weeks - judge from scan. I will then know if it is mine.
3. DNA test if still in doubt.

Thanks. Already becoming clearer.

I don't want to be unsupportive and have already said I would 100% support her through a termination. I said I would be there before, during and after as I know that it would be very tough. But I just don't feel that I can encourage her to keep it. There are no positives that I can find. The baby would not be brought into a situation where it would achieve its best and have the best start. In that case, it is being kept for selfish reasons. I know I sound very clinical, and that's easy I guess for a guy. Am I being unfair in this view?

 

[titch]

please dont be ashamed, you are definately not the first person to be in this situation.

Personally, I saw the doctor the day after I did a home pregnancy test, I didnt have to see a nurse, but policy varies from area to area. Possibly, as she has a history of miscarriage she wouldve been referred to the nurse?

And I won't be the last, I suppose.

I guess that's possible. The other thing is this: does the doctor do a test? Could this be, and this sounds really horrible, a phantom pregnancy? Maybe clutching at straws but is this possible?

I was shocked that noone tested at all! they just took my word for it, I started to wonder if it was all a dream until we saw the baby at the 12 week scan. It is perfectly possible to lie about a pregnancy until the scan date unfortunately

 

[R2D2]

And to be honest, if she is lying then that's really sad. I feel sorry for her but feel that I need to distance myself. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I'll be cross if she has made anything up but I suppose she doesn't have much support or love in her life and that would be why. I would have to accept that it's happened and forgive her, then move on.

 

[titch]

WSS^^

Also, if she does want to have this baby it really is her choice and she may not expect anything from you at all, she may really want to be a mother. It may be something that, unfortunately, you are just going to have to take a back seat over and await the outcome. If it comes to it, you could ask for a DNA test. But like has been said, you could use all the contraception in the world and still conceive!! Nothing, even used altogether, is 100% effective!

You're absolutely right. There's no guarantees with anything. Lesson learnt!

I suppose it will be a waiting game. The things to establish are now clearer:

1. Is she definitely pregnant? Do I have proof?
2. How many weeks - judge from scan. I will then know if it is mine.
3. DNA test if still in doubt.

Thanks. Already becoming clearer.

I don't want to be unsupportive and have already said I would 100% support her through a termination. I said I would be there before, during and after as I know that it would be very tough. But I just don't feel that I can encourage her to keep it. There are no positives that I can find. The baby would not be brought into a situation where it would achieve its best and have the best start. In that case, it is being kept for selfish reasons. I know I sound very clinical, and that's easy I guess for a guy. Am I being unfair in this view?

youre allowed to have your view, and i can see how worrying it must be, we all imagine having children when we're settled down and ready. But youre right that for women its very different. she can already feel pregant, she knows the baby is there and all her hormones and instincts are telling her to protect that little life. I dont think its selfish, and it is possible to give a child a very good life even though the parents arent together.

Abortion can be psychologically devastating so its really important that you dont push her into it. If she does it for you, and not herself, I would imagine that would be very very difficult to get over.

 

[titch]

And to be honest, if she is lying then that's really sad. I feel sorry for her but feel that I need to distance myself. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

I'll be cross if she has made anything up but I suppose she doesn't have much support or love in her life and that would be why. I would have to accept that it's happened and forgive her, then move on.

I guess you just have to wait for the 12 week scan. Let her know that you will go with her to support her, but until then, you're not able to offer her any support as youre still coming to terms with it yourself. be careful about making any decisions now, you dont want to become so uninvolved that you dont get told about the scan appointment!

 

[R2D2]

Well, I guess if she has made it up, that's really sad. She lacks love and support in her life and I do feel for her. I like her but just don't see that there is any mileage in a relationship, especially now. A baby is a strain on solid couples and I can't be with someone just because 'it's the right thing to do'.

I hope she hasn't lied about anything. I don't think I could forget that she lied, although I would understand that she did and forgive. I can't see that we can really even be friends now, unless she doesn't keep it.

 

[R2D2]

I know that I can't push her into it. I wouldn't want to. She must make a choice. I just think that as a bloke, we should also have the choice, in these situations, to say that I won't put my life on hold for a child. That's selfish maybe, but that's exactly why I don't want children yet. You need to live and do the things you want to do before commiting yourself to raising a family. I would end up resenting the child for stopping my plans.