I need help AND hope!!

[sean25]

My ex gf is & 7 months pregnant to me, she told me 2 months ago, she only found out herself 2 weeks before that as she didnt have regular periods so therefore didnt know it herself.

We were together for 4 months until march when she finished with me, leaving me heartbroken cos i loved her.

Since she told me she about it she has been being all crazy telling me i wont be involved unless i change & get a job & new place etc (which i am working on), which i understood & bit my tounge whenever she gave me shit cos i know about hormones etc.

I have been really nice to her, sent flowers to work to apologize for asking her was she seeing anyone whilst carrying our son, to which she replied "i can f*** who i want when i want", & i have been so reasonable & patient with her.

She refuses to meet with me to talk & is hiding behind her mobile & told me countless times to stop calling & texting, i havnt been giving her a hard time, but she is having our son in two months & i think we should be communicating!!!!

We have had one conversation on the phone for an hour over a month ago, she told me she would meet me the next night, but didnt, then started telling me to leave her alone again.

I promised i wouldnt drink till i found a job etc, & i didnt for a month, but one night i did & got in a fight which she found out about (which whoever told her exagerated that i was on drugs,i havnt took drugs in over a year cos im clean,she knows this) but she told me that i wont be involved in his life cos i lied to her.....its almost funny cos she was drinking flat out before she discovered the pregnancy.

I called her last week & she told me that when he is born she will let me see him once a week, to which i said "good but are we just supposed to not talk to each other for 2 months now?" she said yes & we had a fall out again on the phone, she said "i hope he is not even yours", i told her to fuck off & she hung up.

The dates add up, he is mine.

I text her the other day & asked her to reconsider meeting with me, cos when he is born we will not have seen each other for around 6 months, & then when we do she will have a baby with her, i said it doesnt have to be all serious we will just have a coffee & a laugh & it will remove a bit of pressure of anticipation off us....she replied "what part of stop txtn me dont u get sean?"

I have 6 nephews & nieces so im ready for a kid no problem, but she is making ot REALLY hard for me to get exited about it

Meanwhile she is going about her business, obviously talking to her friends & family & planning stuff & whatever, painting me to be some kind of ******* when im not

Another thing is, if she would meet with me, NONE of this would be going on cos when we are together we get on so good



I just want whats best for her & my son, but surely she should be at least talking to me?

Will things change when he is born?

Does a mother see the father in a different way when the child is born?

Will she come to her senses & realise she was being a bitch & finally reason with me?

Should i just leave her alone & wait?




I would really appreciate some input on what to do, as well as anything else you wanna say to me.

 

[Sam's Mum]

Welcome to the forum, and sorry you're going through this but I imagine it's all come as a bit of a shock to her too as she's found out so late, and with pregancy hormones and planning to give birth far sooner than she could ever have expected she's probably feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all and taking out some of that on you. I'm not in any way excusing the way she's been treating you as it's great that you want to be involved and unfair of her to suggest that you won't be if you don't get a job etc.

I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for you knowing that you're going to be a father but not knowing if she'll even want you to see him, but I would contact her one more time and say that you would like her to let you know when your son is born and that you would love to be involved in his life. She might not want to see or hear from you right now but she has to understand that although she is the one carrying your baby, that doesn't make his birth any less important to you than it is to her. There are far too many dads who don't want anything to do with a baby that wasn't planned, and it's lovely that you are not one of them - I hope that in time she will realise that

 

[nik106]

I really wish i knew what to advise, I think Sam's Mum has a really good idea when she says, let her know at the very least you'd like to know when he's born and that you want to be part of his life.

This is probably really tough for her too, and i would imagine that despite being difficult over everything, to some extent she must want you to have some involvement, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered to tell you about him. But as Sam's Mum says, it doesn't excuse her behaviour. She may change her mind once he's here or she's had time to get her head round things. If she doesn't, and you really do want to be involved, you may have a big fight on your hands.

Good luck with everything, i really hope she comes around. I second Sam's Mum's sentiment about how nice it is to see someone wanting to spend time with his baby, even though he's split up with the mother

 

[Sarah13]

I agree with what the others said. Maybe start showing her how committed you are in the next two months with actions as well as words, keep trying to get a job, buy things for the baby, even small things will help, maybe set up a small savings account for him, stay off the drink and out of trouble, these sort of things will prove to her you are wanting to be a part of your sons life and be a good role model. She will be seeing it all one sided just now and forgetting the good things your doing so don't give her any excuses to add more to the bad things. She's probably also worried you might want a relationship with her so is pushing you away as much as possible so try not to bombard her but a simple text now and then to show your still there won't hurt, maybe just a 'how's it going, hope you and baby are ok' kind of thing and don't retaliate if she kicks off. I would also look into your legal rights now, not to send her any kind of threatening letters but so you know exactly where you stand when the baby is born and so you can act quickly if she won't let you see him, these things can take a long time to sort out so best to get all the info now so your prepared.

Good luck, hope it works out for you, it is good to see a father wanting to be there and trying to sort things early on.

 

[suzzi]

i would write her a letter explaining how you feel about everything, saying you are clean from drugs and that you will be tested on a regular basis if thats what she wants, you are going to find a job and sort your life out so that you can be a good dad to your baby.

Make it a possitive letter but let her know you know it is a scary time for her and she dosent have to go through it alone. You want whats best for your baby.

It is easier for her to read a letter from start to finish then for you to keep texting and it getting heated and causing an argument. then let her contact you.

good luck

 

[Rachaellius]

I agree with Sarah, in proving to her how keen you are to be involved and what a brilliant day you can be . Good luck and I really hope she changes her mind in letting you be a bit more involved and that she can at least agree to be civil with you for the sake of your little one.

 

[Bee7]

I agree with Sarah13. You need to prepare now so as to save time when baby is born. Stay out of trouble, don't touch drink or drugs (and offer to do tests to prove this), try and get a job and put some money away. All of this will go in your favour with the courts if not her.

I understand that she is going through a tough time at the moment and probably has hormones flying all over the place. Still, it sounds as though she is being quite unfair and unreasonable towards you. I hate to see women using children as a stick to beat ex partners over the head with. Whatever problems there are between you guys, you should both remain neutral where the child is concerned.

Give her some time, carry on being patient and let her know that you're there for her (without being too full on) and willing to do all you can to prove yourself. If she still continues to be unreasonable then i would advise you to seek legal action either through a solicitor or CAB. You don't need to tell her that you're doing that, will probably cause more hostility. But it will certainly help you to know your rights. Good luck xxxxx

 

[sean25]

Hey there. I never ever got back to you but thank for the replies (even if it is 3 years later lol)

A lot happened since then but I'll cut it down.

The painful shit started after she told me she would "f*** who she wants when she wants & it's none of your business" I was livid & told her I would be physically removing man parts if I found out about it.

Anyways, during the pregnancy she wouldn’t communicate with me. I never got to see a scan, never got to feel my baby kicking, she exchanged texts with me a couple of times & there was one phonecall in the 3 months before our son was born.

Then I got a text one day to say he was born. I was happy & went for a celebratory beer with my dad. Then a couple of hours later some facts started emerging; that my baby’s picture was all over Facebook 8 hours before I even knew about him being born.

Then a week later (I hadn’t met him) she text & told me he might not be mine. Then I met him 6 weeks later during which time she got him christened without me.

She was with another guy in the following months & after I asked her to get back with me & she refused, I decided I had to move away for my sanity.

I did move away & I can tell you now that the regular nightmares & anxiety attacks I had, completely vanished overnight. It was exactly the freedom I had expected, & needed.

Obviously i wasn’t running away from my son, I intended to see him again, which I did. I was however, running from the overall situation I had found myself in, & I’ve got to be honest, running from me being driven to eventually doing something drastic to I don’t know, her boyfriend? Her dad? Her cousin? In my eyes someone had to pay physical consequences, but I decided that moving away to the city was much more appealing than a jail cell.

At one point months later, after I’d moved, we were discussing getting back together & I asked why her & the other guy had finished, she said “I think he just got fed up having to share a bed with me & *****”, referring to my son. Of course I went crazy & told her I was going to damage this guy. Fortunately for him he has never crossed my path.

I think it might help if I list all the things I’m angry & resentful about…

Being excluded from the pregnancy
Missing all the scans
Not experiencing the privilege of feeling my first child kicking
Not being at the birth
Being told 8 hours after he was born during which time his pic was all over Facebook
Being told he might not be mine just to hurt me
Not meeting him until he was 6 weeks old during which time she got him christened without me
Literally missing the first 18 months of my son's life (i saw him 7 times)
Having a boyfriend share her bed with her & my son
Not putting my name on the birth certificate
Letting me have so little access that I had to move away for my sanity
Not allowing our son to meet any of my family, or his 8 cousins (he's met 1)
Making up lies to her solicitor about me being abusive at her sisters house during contact with my son

There are loads more, but you get the idea. One of the worst things is that she was having sex with another guy whilst pregnant with my child. I also highly suspect she had sex with countless others while pregnant too, & I have my reasons to believe this. I have wished many horrible things to happen to her & her whole family because of this. I know we weren’t together as a couple, so apparently it’s up to her what she does whether she’s pregnant or not, but I do not care, that gives me no comfort. Ask any male what they would think if they were in that situation & I’m confident most would be furious.

As it is now I travel 50 miles to see my boy every fortnight for 2 hours in the contact centre. I’ve suggested we move it to my sisters house but she is not agreeable to it despite this being her suggestion a year ago. She recently suggested I visit her home on Xmas eve to see my boy before he goes to bed (I've never been welcome at her home) & since I live 50 miles away it's a difficult task since I don't drive.

I’ve got my life in order & I’m busy studying a degree, doing really well for myself. Everything I have now came from this memorable event in my life. Memorable for all the wrong reasons - what should have been the most important & happy thing in my life was taken away from me, my experience of becoming a father for the first time was ruined & I'll never ever get that back.

So, why am I telling this? My big problem is all the past stuff she’s done I really hate her for it. I have felt so much hate & there is so much to go around that I hate every single person in her entire family, her friends, people she works with, & anyone else who knows her & likes her.

I have wished her pain & suffering. I have promised myself I’ll get revenge. I have even periodically made her aware that I will never let it go, & that retribution will avail some day, via social media statuses etc. Although I stopped doing that about 5 months ago.

I went to counselling for 6 sessions as a further attempt to eradicate my lingering pain, but I know it's still there. I still can get angry about it all when I think about it.

I know it’s not healthy, but understand that she created this pain in me.

Ive been trying to forgive her for over 2 years, But deep down my hate still lingers, it pops up now & again to let me know it’s still there. Plus it’s made even more difficult to try & get rid of when she doesn’t deserve it, doesn’t feel remorseful about it (at least not to me)

And even if I DO manage to forgive her 100%, I still hate the men she was involved with & will still hope bad shit to happen to them. So I'm kinda stuck in hatred/pain then.

Having said that she is a brilliant mummy to my boy, she's been horrible to me yes, but she is a really good mummy & I tell her this all the time. I sleep easy at night knowing my boy is safe.