I don't think you're harsh. I suppose I have chosen a, let's say, sensitive place to ask for your views. Probably would get a similar response if I was a vegetarian joining a pig farmers' forum.Just re-read what i wrote and i didnt mean to be quite so harsh but meant what i said if you know what i mean?! I just meant its a bit unfair that you are looking for any excuse to let you off the hook it seems i.e she meant to get preg and trapped you, she didnt take the map, she was preg even before you had sex with her......end of the day you did have unprotected sex and you MAY have made a baby. Sorry but once youve made a baby i believe its no longer your choice if the pregnancy continues or not- its her body and her decision. Sorry for being a bit harsh in last post- im not really a bitch!! Lets hope its some new hormones making me like it eh?!!
Thanks for such a detailed response. In no way am I offended by the comments you offer.Sorry if i end up repeating what other's have already said but baby brain is not allowing me to work out whether i have additional info/advice etc. I used to be smart(ish)
I have taken the MAP, but i wasn't asked to take it there and then, i was given the free choice to do so as and when i was ready. It is more effective the closer you take it to unprotected sex but can be taken within either 3 or 5 days. Like all forms of contraception, other than abstinence, its not 100% effective at any time, so it is still possible that you can get pregnant even if it has been taken.
In terms of dates (this is assuming that she has a 28 day cycle with ovulation approx 14 days before the next period), with a last period of 22nd June, she would currently be 8 weeks pregnant with a due date of around 28th March 2012. But, this is assuming she has what is considered a normal cycle. Using these dates, a reverse conception calculator says that she would have conceived on approximately 6th July. (I used http://www.mymonthlycycles.com to calculate these)
BUT, she might have a much much longer cycle, i had a 6 week cycle for several months when i fell pregnant. If she has a 6 week cycle, she would only be 6 weeks pregnant, with a due date of around 11th April 2012. The reverse calculator then says conception is approx 20th July. But these are just guidelines, not all women WILL ovulate exactly 14 days before their next period, it may be shorter or longer which will change how far into the pregnancy she is.
There's no sure way of finding out exactly when she conceived but a dating scan at the hospital will be able to work out how far into the pregnancy she is. Only a DNA test will be able to show whether or not you are definitely the father. If you can go, go to the scan with her, you will then hear from them how old they consider the baby to be. If you can't go, it usually says at the top of the scan pics in the details, so at the very least look at them for guidance.
From what i understand, a heartbeat is detectable around 5-6 weeks into pregnancy via an ultrasound scan, which most doctors will not be able to perform in their surgery, they would have to send you to an Early Pregnancy Unit, which is possible if she has already had a miscarriage, particularly if she's complained of any pain or bleeding. An external doppler is highly unlikely to pick up a heartbeat at this stage, the baby is tiny. We had an early scan at nearly 7 weeks, we saw the heartbeat, mostly what we saw on screen was a blacked out patch for the sac and a black and white flicker that was the heartbeat - it is seriously tiny, too tiny for a doppler to pick up.
Most women do see their doctors fairly quickly once they have established that they are pregnant, it is possible she had a next day appointment, and by the sounds of it she tried to get you to meet up before you actually did, so may have made the appointment earlier. We found out i was pregnant on a Sunday and phoned my GP on the Tuesday as Monday was a bank holiday who made an appointment for the Friday, i saw an emergency GP Tuesday night as i was in lots of pain who booked me in for an early scan on the Thursday. I had this scan before i'd even seen my GP. I saw the midwife for the first time the following Wednesday. Things can be actioned really fast, they don't hang around with appointments etc, if you are to continue the pregnancy, they have things that should be done at certain times within the pregnancy for example, a booking in appointment with the midwife at 10 weeks, a scan at around 12 weeks, another scan around 20 weeks and various blood tests.
I'm not going to give advice on whether i think she should have an abortion or not, that isn't my call, only you and she can make that decision, and unfortunately for you, she has the ultimate decision on this one. Its not that i'm against it, and being pregnant does not for one second change my opinion on it, i just think that everything should be weighed up and thought through thoroughly and it has to be right for the parents to be. No-one can make that decision for either of you by telling you what's right or wrong. A few months before i fell pregnant, my fiance and i decided that we weren't ready for children and that we wanted to be married first (ok, so i decided that i wanted to be married) but should i fall pregnant, we would terminate because it wasn't the right time for us. But, for some reason, when i actually did, neither of us even thought of it as a way forward, the moment we knew, our baby was for keeps. We did consider, however, what would happen if our test results came back to say that our baby was high risk for Downs or Spina Bifida and we would have terminated in those circumstances.
I will stick my nose in and offer an opinion on what you should do if she decides to keep it whilst you clearly don't - please please, if you decide you don't want anything to do with the baby, stick with that decision! Don't dip in and out of its life, i've been on the receiving end of this and quite frankly its not something i would wish on my worst enemy. You either have to be there, or not be there. My parents split up when i was 6 and my brother a young baby. My brother has had little to no contact with my dad whilst i saw him when he could be bothered to turn up. Quite often he didn't when he said he would, and he used to disappear for months, even years at a time. My brother has a close relationship with my stepdad, for all intents and purposes he is his dad, whilst i do not. My brother is secure in the knowledge that people love him, and in all honesty, its something i question daily. Probably stupid, as my mum and her family have been there every step of the way regardless of the things i've said and done, but i always have an underlying feeling that my dad doesn't love me enough and consequently other people shouldn't either.
Obviously, if at any point you changed your mind and wanted to be part of the child's life, don't ignore that want because of what i've said, but at the same time, make that step and stick with that. I guess what i'm saying is don't be an arse about it, if you don't want it fine, if you do, again fine, but don't mess them around continually. I hope i haven't offended you and that this helps you with some of the questions you have.
Thanks, i hope i can live upto it and actually be a good mum!Thanks for such a detailed response. In no way am I offended by the comments you offer.
The heartbeat thing does play on my mind. The doctor would have told her that before 3 weeks, as she had been to the doctor before that point, which is when she met our mutual friend. That doesn't seem to add up, in my mind.
As far as involvement, I am 100% with you. Ideally, I think a child should have two loving adults in its life; however, I know of single parents who do a great job. The most disruptive thing for any child is instability. As I have plans to go off and do things (selfish but hence the reason having children isn't best time for me now), I don't feel that I would want to have a part-time commitment. Also, it worries me to think that a child would be brought up in an environment where my values were not theirs - I do think the mother of this child has very different expectations, from what I know of her and from what she's said so far.
I think you'll be a great mum, just because you seem to understand things based on your personal experiences. I really hope it all goes well for you.
I am sure you will be.Thanks, i hope i can live upto it and actually be a good mum!
Good luck with things, seeing/hearing a heartbeat at 3 weeks does seem really early, most women don't even find out they are pregnant until they are 4 weeks as the hormone levels are not always detectable before then. There are some early tests, but they aren't always accurate and can miss a very early pregnancy. If you need to chat, you know where i am
She mentioned that the doctor had told her. That's why I wondered as she saw the doctor before it was 3 weeks. Hence, you'd presume that the baby was older than 3 weeks.did she actually say she'd heard a heart beat? Cos its a fact that the heart does start to beat very early on but its so tiny its not detectable. Perhaps shes just been googling about the development of a foetus and that fact stood out to her?
Thanks for your post.I sympathise and don't think you should be ashamed - you seem to be taking a level headed view about the situation and are tackling it in the best way you see possible.
Whether or not she took the MAP or whether or not it worked is irrelevant now. The plan of action should be to check first of all if she is pregnant (which seems likely if she has had a doctors visit.) Secondly is it yours, which may have to wait until the 12 week scan or worst case scenario the birth when you can do a DNA test.
After this you can do nothing but outline your views and make sure she knows how you feel. You must remember she has lots of hormones rushing around her head at the moment, and if she was desperate to become a mum this may over ride the hard work she has done to further herself and her career. Hormones are crazy things!! I totally agree though that this isn't fair on you if you have just become the sperm donor in all of this. You may want to write her a letter clearly stating all your feelings and your expectations if she has the baby (e.g. limited financial but not emotional support in the form of a relationship.) Seeing it in black and white may be a wake up call.
Other than that the decisions are up to her I'm afraid. I very much believe in a woman's right to choose, but unfortunately this does sometimes seem to be to the detriment of the men involved. As long as she knows your position on the whole thing from the start she is free to make the decision she feels suits her best.
Good luck and I hope however it turns out, the current negatives will turn into positives.
Good advice, thanks. I do feel that it doesn't quite add up, but will take responsibility for my actions.Its a difficult one - i don't want anyone to get offended by what i'm going to write, but lets say you were my brother and you told me the story I would say....nope not yours, I smell a rat, dates don't add up she's probably lying....which i'm guessing is what you are thinking. However, there is a possibility that it could be yours, afterall you did have sex on more than one occassion - she could have irregular cycle etc as above.
I know several people where the MAP hasn't worked that has been taken in and out of the chemist, I also know many people that have lied because they feel like pay back for being rejected - I also know people that have got pregnant without even realising they've had sex (as they were too drunk to remember on a one night stand!!!).
My advice would be to relax (know it's hard) and if it is a lie, she won't be able to keep it up forever. If she is pregnant defo get yourself along to the dating scan. Its going to be a long wait until the baby is here and i'm sure you are going to feel all the emotions under the sun (as is she). Unfortunately you've made your bed and as you've had unprotected/even protected sex will have to lie in it until you can get a DNA test. Try and keep as normal as possible, if it is an attention seeking ploy it could get a lot more intense!
Whatever happens - it will all work out in the end...baby or no baby, but you will have a better idea with time. Stay cool. Dont want to mention the A word, as its not allowed on here.
p.s. The father of my baby was fully aware of what we were doing = he changed his mind about wanting a baby as soon as he knew I was pregnant. It's been a hard slog, but in the next couple of days I will have my baby. Who knows if he will stick around...only time will tell.
I think I am now clear that the 12 week scan is going to be a turning point.Hi, firstly i think by what i have read she could be lying (not the fact that shes pregnant, just the fact it could be yours). I am 6-7 weeks pregnant and only yesterday could a scan detect my baby and its heartbeat. What i would do if i were you....... dont be too nasty towards her, you need to get an invite to the 12 week dating scan. By this you will have a clear picture of when she became pregnant.My so called dad walked out on me and my sis, bro when we were very young and has never contacted us since. What a tit!! His loss if you ask me, we have beautiful grand children he doesnt know about and doesnt have the right to know about, saying that i have had a good life, i have made my life what it is today. Got a lovely husband, children and a nice home. I agree with what has been said dont make any choices about being involved in 'your' childs life until you know the facts. I feel sorry for her, by the sounds of it she longs for a baby to love, you have just been caught up in it all. Also dont push her into doing anything, if you do decide you want a relationship with this child (if it turns out to be yours) she could make things difficult for you. Hope this helps!!