Millie...
I'm truly gutted for you, girl.
There's nothing any of us can really say to take the pain and sadness away for you, but, I promise it will get easier.
Take some time, enjoy Christmas and OH. Have lots of cuddles.
Don't try to find blame or reason. Sadly it's just one of those things.
I have a strong belief in everything happens for a reason. I doubt you can find any comfort in that now but hopefully in time you'll come to understand.
Good luck for your future, and I hope it brings you everything you wish for, and I hope (if you decide it's right) we see you back in Tri one, and all the way through.
Take care girly, and feel free to pop in as and when you feel like it, if you do. We'll miss you otherwise xx