my story

[worried_guy]

I realise this is not the best place to put this topic but I need to get this off my chest and this forum was the first one that came up so please forgive me. (long story I apologise)

Basically I am a father to be, I had a one night stand with a woman and used protection. I discarded the condom after use (it did not break) and she said she would dispose of it for me in the bathroom. (It was her house i didnt know where to put it). I now realise she used the contents to impregnate herself. During a chat before we did the deed she brought up the topic of preganacy but seemed to agree with me that you should wait til in a commited stable relationship etc.(what bullshit she fed me there I guess)

Anyway a few weeks later she messaged me to say she was pregnant and I am the father. My immediate thought was bullshit as I had used protection (then I realised what must have happened with the used condom) to say I was worried/freaked out is an understatement. I still doubted her though. Thinking she was a psychopath I deleted my profile and laid low, secretly keeping tabs on her profile for status updates.

Eventually she put scan pics of the baby up, I was devastated. I am a young guy and not ready to be a parent, especially with a random and clearly mentally unstable woman I had only one night with, my world fell apart. I decided to get back in touch with her and meet up to discuss options. I hoped I could talk her into an abortion as I believed it was for the best, as a child needs both parents and a stable upbringing. She was dead against it as I had feared.

When we agreed to meet up I travelled to near where she was staying (a hostel-hardly a place to raise a child) I saw her with a cigarette in her mouth with her friend who looked about 19 and with chavvy appearance. Her friend had a pram with two kids in it and a older child of about 7. I thought oh my god I may as well give up now. Talking sense into her would be impossable.

She went to the bank and I was left with her single mother friend, i talked to her and told her my side of the story, she was shocked we only had sex one time and seemed even more shocked when i told her the condom thing. She said she is def pregnant though but seemed sympathetic to me probably because i was on the verge of tears. She also revealed that the women in question had had ten miscarriages in the past and this is why she was so keen to keep the baby.

That came as a shock but when i sat down to talk to the future the mother of my child she showed me pics and her maternity record that proved this. Basically I left having achieved nothing and she is still going ahead with the baby.

Now this is a long story and I have babbled on, she is currently 16 weeks pregnant. In my opinion she is the most unstable unfit mother material I can imagine. She is obese, lives in a hostel, smokes and has done drugs in the past. I know I have been stupid myself for having sex with the woman and also not discarding myself of the condom (i beat myself up about this) but i cant go back in time.

I have found myself praying she has a miscarriage and feel so guilty about it, I mean she has had ten before but all of them in the first ten weeks she has never made it this far. I believe a child should be planned and brought up in a stable environment not in these circumstances but she does not care.

I have not told anyone about this not even my parents out of shame, I have even thought of suicide for the first time recently. I needed to get this off my chest I am sorry.

 

[Emmamb]

Do u know that ur def the father? Most condoms contain spermicide which would make insemination highly unlikely,plus sperm can't live for long once outside the body. x

 

[Annie050408]

Sorry to hear about your situation but are you absolutely positive that you are definitely the father of the baby- were there any other possible partners in the picture? If I were you I'd be asking for a paternity test which I *think* can be done before the baby is born.

Most of us on here know that while people can and do get pregnant without even trying, for many of us it is a process of knowing ovulation dates, temps and optimum times etc.... Also, many condoms contain spermacides (sp?) which are there to kill sperm and so while I'm sure it it possible, I'd have thought it was tough to get pregnant by using sperm which had been inside one. She would have been very lucky for that to work and would have had to have timed it perfectly to the time of her ovulation.

Good luck and I hope it turns out ok for you. x

 

[Emmamb]

Do u know the date u slept wiv her?

 

[worried_guy]

Do u know that ur def the father? Most condoms contain spermicide which would make insemination highly unlikely,plus sperm can't live for long once outside the body. x

I do not know I am def the father, if it comes to it I will defintely demand a paternity test. However I have done my research and durex extra safe condoms do not contain spermicide to my surprise, and sperm can survive for a while in a condom apparantly, much longer than the few minutes she took to go to the bathroom. Also the scan dates seem to match up perfectly from when we had sex ( 2 weeks beforehand).

 

[worried_guy]

She claims i am the only one she slept with during that period, I will definatly get a paternity test she seemed to convince me pretty well that I am though. Thanks guys, i did threaten the paternaty test though and she did not seem that bothered which again worried me.

 

[isobel84]

i didnt think you could get pregnant like that? sounds strange?
i think you sould ask for a dna test to be honest. But if you think you are the father you got the right to ask her to stop smoking and take batter care of herself for the sake of your baby.
And also.. if you think its yours, give her the chanse, some ppl change alot when they get pregnant and realise its not about them anymore, its about the baby.

 

[isobel84]

She claims i am the only one she slept with during that period, I will definatly get a paternity test she seemed to convince me pretty well that I am though. Thanks guys, i did threaten the paternaty test though and she did not seem that bothered which again worried me.

perhaps you should stop threathening and wishing her a MC as even if your the father or not, she dont need the stress. Leave her to it until you can have the test done.

 

[worried_guy]

She claims i am the only one she slept with during that period, I will definatly get a paternity test she seemed to convince me pretty well that I am though. Thanks guys, i did threaten the paternaty test though and she did not seem that bothered which again worried me.

perhaps you should stop threathening and wishing her a MC as even if your the father or not, she dont need the stress. Leave her to it until you can have the test done.

I will def get a dna test thanks, It could yet turn out I am not the father. I didnt threaten her with a paternity test i perhaps used the wrong words i meant i said i ask for one when it is born. I know wishing her a miscarriage is bad and i feel guilty about that, but i honestly believe it would be better than her bringing a child into the world for all parties.

 

[serenitylove]

id say get a paternity test but also stop being so judgemental calling the future mother of your child obese and insinuating drug abuse and that she will be an unfit parent is unfair if she did trick you she might have been desperate and a little of kilter due to 10 miscarrages she may need support not condeming

 

[worried_guy]

id say get a paternity test but also stop being so judgemental calling the future mother of your child obese and insinuating drug abuse and that she will be an unfit parent is unfair if she did trick you she might have been desperate and a little of kilter due to 10 miscarrages she may need support not condeming

She told me during previous pregancies she had abused drugs so I am not insinuating it she actually said that, she is obese though. I am not stating that as an insult to her, I am saying that she has not taken care of herself in a way that can effect the child.

 

[Annie050408]

I think that whatever happens, you need to make the best of a bad situation for yourself. I'd say the best thing to do is to keep it friendly with her and try to support her in changing her lifestyle in terms of smoking etc... The midwife she is seeing will speak to her about that too and also lots of large women give birth to perfectly healthy babies so please try not to worry about that.

It sounds like you are being pretty reasonable about the whole thing especially if she has impregnated herself but for your own sake I'd advise you to maintain that in your interaction with her because whether or not you wanted this baby, if it is yours, it's coming and I'm sure you will want to have access to it if that's the case. It will be a whole lot easier if you are on good terms.

 

[Zoziebubly]

What was the date of the scan pics and when did you have sex how many weeks preg is she?

 

[Annie050408]

Also, just so you know, pregnancy dates are funny old things; if she is 16 weeks pregnant it means she conceived about 14 weeks ago - the 16 weeks relates to the 1st day of her last period, not the date she had sex and actually fell pregnant.

 

[emmaandamyleigh]

im sorry but i really feeling shocked buy your story just coz she lives in a hostel type thing doesnt mean that you cant look after a baby she may be in there for a reason. if you only met her that night as a drunking night stand shes not gonig to tell you the whole story about why shes in there and saying shes obese isnt nice yes she mayb over weighte but agiain that doesnt stop you looking after a child im a lil over weight i have an 8 month old live on top of a pub with 1 room and a bathroom, no matter how you feel wont change her mind i think abortion is wrong you cant force people to do it yes it is an option but not a nice one you dont really have to live with anything its harer for the woman. im really upset at how you described the mother of your baby. people can change. yes in a way i feel for you if she tricked you into it thats not good. but i think you need to grow up a bit a starting your going to be a dad theres men and women out there that would give there right hand to be in your position im sorry if this is a bit harsh
but i am speaking my mind.also if she isnt right in the head why did you sleep with her in the first place ther would of been a tym then that she looked mentally unstable???

sorry

 

[worried_guy]

Yeah I took those two weeks into account and it works out, I actually thought I was in the clear til I found that out I guess I have been doing a lot of research and am now a pregnancy expert.

Though she could have had sex with other guys around the same time, who maybe did not use protection.

 

[isobel84]

i accually also got abit annoyed about the obese thing, i think im classed as obese but it dont mean i will not be a good parent and im still low risk in my pregnancy.
i think its a weird thing to say that obese ppl dont look after them selfs. i know alot dont, but dont be so jugemental.

 

[worried_guy]

i accually also got abit annoyed about the obese thing, i think im classed as obese but it dont mean i will not be a good parent and im still low risk in my pregnancy.
i think its a weird thing to say that obese ppl dont look after them selfs. i know alot dont, but dont be so jugemental.

Im sorry I have upset people with the obese comment I didnt mean it in a derogatory way. I probably sounded arrogant there I apologise.

 

[Sol]

What a Situation to be in. It must be very confusing for you.
I really can't believe that someone would do this. I mean in all fairness WG has done the responsible thing and used protection when he should of and then this woman has manipulated a situation which should not have occurred in first place. Has she admitted to retrieving sperm form the condom?
I know it must be hard for this woman who has had 10 MCs but trapping someone in this way is totally unacceptable in my book.
Her personal situation and build really doesn't come into it and you can't use these as an excuse to pressure her to have an abortion because it suits you.
However I would get some advice about the situation as well as asking for a paternity test as it may help clarify things for you.

 

[worried_guy]

What a Situation to be in. It must be very confusing for you.
I really can't believe that someone would do this. I mean in all fairness WG has done the responsible thing and used protection when he should of and then this woman has manipulated a situation which should not have occurred in first place. Has she admitted to retrieving sperm form the condom?
I know it must be hard for this woman who has had 10 MCs but trapping someone in this way is totally unacceptable in my book.
Her personal situation and build really doesn't come into it and you can't use these as an excuse to pressure her to have an abortion because it suits you.
However I would get some advice about the situation as well as asking for a paternity test as it may help clarify things for you.

Hi thanks for your reply, I am going to get a paternity test. She says it is definatly my child but I do not trust her at all. She did not admit to it no, but for me it seems likely that is what she did as she seems desperate for a child, although I could never prove this.

The way it is at the moment is I have said I want a paternity test when the child is born, then we can go from there. I still maintain that she could easily have slept with other men around the same time, I mean I met her on the internet for casual sex (yes that is low and I will never do it again with anyone after this trust me) but if she has done that with me she could have done it with loads of people (many have which may not have used a condom)