Writing a letter to my OH

[Dotty_woman]

Just a small introduction for anyone who doesn't lnow me. I'm 43 (44 this month) and have 3 kids (17,14 & 1). After no success trying to persuade my OH to agree to us have a try for 1 last baby I've decided I'm going to write a letter to him as I just keep getting upset when I try to talk to him. I'm not the world's most eloquent person and need some help.

This is what I've written so far:

"So as I never seem to be able to find the right thing to say, I thought I would write it all down. It may seem that I am in a downer but it's a lot more than that. Yes I hate my job and my boss is an idiot but at the end of the day I can come home from work and leave it behind. This I cannot.

I love you. I know we've had our ups and downs but I really do love you very much. After all we have been married for 24 years next month and that's no mean feat. We have three beautiful children who mean the world to me as do you, of course. It has been do difficult for me discussing this with you because I am very emotional about it and yes I may be nuts but I can't rid myself of the urge to have another baby. I have never felt more strongly about something than I do right now and it is basically tearing me apart. I was absolutely devastated when you said there was no way and am finding it difficult to understand why you keep asking me what is wrong? I'm not just suddenly going to be ok. What on earth do you think is wrong? I I have a plastic IUD that is pretty much fool proof so there only about a 1:1000 chance of having the "accidental" pregnancy that so many other people seem to have. I feel so broody that I feel that I am going to explode. Yes I could get rid of my Mirena and not tell you but I'm pretty sure you'd leave me if I did that. I'm not so underhand in any case. Before you roll your eyes and say "But what if.." I have listened to everything you have said and taken it on board but it hasn't changed anything. I can't help the way I feel. Thing is, for me creating new life is amazing. A few years ago if you'd have said we'd have a 1 year old daughter I wouldn't have believed you. Vi has been so lovely and Lewis and Moggs get on with her so well.

You're my smizmar and I can think of nothing that would make me happier than to have another baby with the love of my life. Out of the billion other potential little Crossleys that never made it, we have just 3. All I'm asking for is the chance (and it is only that) to have a go at making another. Yes it might not work but if that's the case then so be it. The chances get less and less and this is most definitely my last ever chance. There's risk in everything. I could get knocked over crossing the road. I could have a brain haemorrhage tomorrow. Thing is, you only get one shot at this life and my life is my family. Just give us one last go.

Janet
xxx"

I would appreciate any help. Too much? Not enough? Too sentimental? This really is my last chance so I want to get it right. xxx

 

[mellie_88]

Personally I really like the letter. I don't think its too much at all. I might even have to steal your idea in a few years as OH is adamant thay we're just having the one (no chance!)

 

[Rose83]

I'm not sure you should talk about 'accidental' pregnancies and the possibility of taking your coil out without him knowing - I know you are mentioning it to say that you wouldn't do it but he could read and think that for you to even write it means it has crossed your mind and also saying that you are sure he'd leave you might make him think that's the only reason you aren't doing it. Just stick to the positive stuff, that you would love to have one last try but that if his absolute final answer is no then he needs to understand why you are upset and give you time to come to terms with his answer x

 

[SunnySue]

Great idea Dotty.
I agree with Rose, I would scrap the accidental pregnancy stuff just in case he takes it the wrong way.
Maybe add a bit about what a great dad he is and that being one of the reasons you would like another? Make it clear its not just about a baby but HIS baby.
Maybe also a small part about one last baby being the completion of your wonderful family, maybe he feels like you want one more now but after this you may want another and so on? Make it clear that this will complete you and your family so he knows this wont happen again next time.
Great letter Dotty, really hope it at least makes him give it some serious thought. Good luck x

 

[Dotty_woman]

I really appreciate your feedback ladies. Maybe you're right Rose83. I only mentioned that so he knows how unhappy I am and the only reason im still using birth control is because of him. I'll rethink that though. Thanks for your honesty. xxx

 

[mrs_b_x]

As said above I should imagine a major concern is that he's worried ul just feel the same after another one so putting something in about it completing ur family is a good idea. Good luck xx

 

[Dotty_woman]

I did kind of just pour out my feelings so it might seem a bit all over the place and a bit harsh in places. Just trying to put it into something that makes sense and gets my point across so really do appreciate it. Thanks everyone. xxx

 

[Pregnot1]

It's a good idea to write a letter but try and think how hel feel reading it too, it's going to be hard to swallow that your so longing for another baby and genuinely upset when I read the letter it felt a little bit one sided all me me me. Possibly put in there about how you love him being a dad and understand his views on the matter but cannot help how you feel.
The thing is if he has as strong reasons not to have one as you do to have one then it's abit of a stale mate and after 24 years of marriage which is amazing in itself so just be prepared for that.
Good luck with him and hopefully it works for you

 

[H16]

I agree with the others on scrapping that accidental pregnancy bit, I don't think it would help your cause. Also agree that you need to make it about both of u being parents and him being a good father so he knows he is valued as a dad. I would definitely add the point that it gives company for your little girl closer in age and how passionate you are about that fact as I know you have mentioned it before and this will help rest his mind that you won't want more than one more. I really hope he agrees after reading your letter as I know how much this means to you. Wishing you all the luck in the world x

 

[Pumpkin9]

Hi dotty, I agree with what others have said. I think its a great idea writing it down - I know you've previously written that you want another baby so that you have a sibling close in age to vi like your other two children. Have you already expressed that to your hubby or perhaps you should include that

 

[Dotty_woman]

Thanks Pumpkin9.Yes I have already mentioned that to hubby. His response was that she goes to nursery two days a week and has children her own age that she can grow up with there. I am tweaking my letter as we speak and it does mention this again. Like I said earlier, I've just written the first things that came into my messed up head which is why it might sound a bit one sided in the first draft. Xxx

 

[LD1978]

Yes completely agree with the others and don't mention any negatives or the accidental pregnancy. Ultimately your trying to get him round to your way of thinking so don't say anything that could get his back up. It may be slightly manipulative thinking of me but you want to say things that soften him. Like if you get defensive in arguments it annoys people more but if you empathise and see their point then they tend to soften.

I think he's thinking of all the practical stuff and yours is the emotional and its like comparing apples and pears. Hopefully if you can empathise with his concerns but put your side it might help him think about things.

I think a letter is a great idea xxx

 

[Emily0505]

Oh hun, I feel for you so much I really do.

I was in your position myself just months ago and could have written that letter myself.

My hubby said a flat no to any more children but I was desperate for another. It was on my mind constantly, I physically ached with the longing for another baby and I was even dreaming about it every night. Quite frankly it was pure torture.

I was able to have a serious discussion with my hubby about it. Numerous discussions in fact and he has now agreed to another. He doesn't really want another as such but will do it for me as he knows just how much it means to me.

Your letter is a good place to start to broach the subject if you struggle with discussing it.

I really hope he comes around hun. I know how awful this feeling is

XX

 

[Pregnot1]

Oh hun, I feel for you so much I really do.

I was in your position myself just months ago and could have written that letter myself.

My hubby said a flat no to any more children but I was desperate for another. It was on my mind constantly, I physically ached with the longing for another baby and I was even dreaming about it every night. Quite frankly it was pure torture.

I was able to have a serious discussion with my hubby about it. Numerous discussions in fact and he has now agreed to another. He doesn't really want another as such but will do it for me as he knows just how much it means to me.

Your letter is a good place to start to broach the subject if you struggle with discussing it.

I really hope he comes around hun. I know how awful this feeling is

XX

I am sorry but to say your husband doesn't really want another but will do for you I just find shocking that you would put someone in that position. There is nothing wrong with you wanting more of course not but did you ever speak about how many children you would like one day?
I can't imagine how hard it must be for the ladies out there like yourselves who are desperate for another child and their partners say no but maybe to have avoided this disaapointment earlier these discussions could have taken place.
Now your in a position where you get what you want and your oh have to just put up with it, I struggle to understand how you can want to try for a child knowing the dad doesn't really want one.

I'm sure there are ladies in thei position where the men want another and the ladies do not and that too amazes me.

 

[Dotty_woman]

Some of us don't have it all planned out in advance hun and it simply isn't as clear cut as that for everyone. x

 

[roxyroo]

What I your husband reads the letter and still says no? Will you just get pregnant anyway?

 

[Pregnot1]

no I get that but of that's the mindset then what's to say one more will be enough? you obviously have a huge heart for babies and children and that's amazing becaue there's plenty out there who wuite frankly don't derserve them but I Don't think that my needs are greater than my husbands of I did Id have never married him.
Jut saying I hope it works for you I do and that your husband comes
Round to it but that's unlike the poster above who said her husband doesn't want another but will do for her sake.

 

[Dotty_woman]

What I your husband reads the letter and still says no? Will you just get pregnant anyway?

No. If I was going to do that why would I bother with writing a letter.? If it's still no, then so be it. I just wanted a last chance to say what I wanted to say.

 

[Mackmummy]

Hi dotty. I really feel for you, I would do exactly the same as you to try and persuade hubby if he didn't want another, at least then you know you tried plus it takes some men longer to come around by which time your biological clock might be ticking too loudly!. I do note that you have asked for opinions on the letter not the actual situation itself so any comments on that should be ignored because as you rightly say we don't know all the details so shouldn't be commenting on why you want more and hubby may not etc. I agree with many of the others about not putting anything negative in the letter and about confirming this would complete your family for you so he knows you don't want any more after this one. I find that a lot of men (not all, granted) maybe don't think about it that much so he might have a proper think if he realises just how much it means to you. Good luck Hun, you seem such a lovely lady I hope everything works out for you xx

 

[Dotty_woman]

Thank you Mackmummy. I value everyone's opinion as other mums but just wanted some feedback on what I had written rather than being judged for what anyone thinks I am going to do and whether that's the right thing. That's between me and my OH. I've completely rewritten the letter and taken on board everything that has been said and amended it accordingly so it addresses my OH's concerns. I now think I am happy that it reads like I wanted it to. Just got to find the right time to deliver it now. If it provokes further discussion at home then so be it. If it changes nothing, at least I tried. Thanks for the constructive feedback everyone. x