Writing a letter to my OH

[mrswoody]

This must be a horrible situation for you and your oh to be in. I think a letter is a great idea and agree with the others to omit the negativity and concentrate on the positives. Add in about oh being a great dad.
He is likely to have a lot of questions that he will want answering I presume so maybe mention that you are willing to discuss it fully and answer any questions he may have.
Good luck and I hope he at the very least considers your proposal x

 

[T84]

Letters a great idea dotty and glad your happy with what you've eventually written. Good luck hon, what a horrible predicament to be in x

 

[Emily0505]

Oh hun, I feel for you so much I really do.

I was in your position myself just months ago and could have written that letter myself.

My hubby said a flat no to any more children but I was desperate for another. It was on my mind constantly, I physically ached with the longing for another baby and I was even dreaming about it every night. Quite frankly it was pure torture.

I was able to have a serious discussion with my hubby about it. Numerous discussions in fact and he has now agreed to another. He doesn't really want another as such but will do it for me as he knows just how much it means to me.

Your letter is a good place to start to broach the subject if you struggle with discussing it.

I really hope he comes around hun. I know how awful this feeling is

XX

I am sorry but to say your husband doesn't really want another but will do for you I just find shocking that you would put someone in that position. There is nothing wrong with you wanting more of course not but did you ever speak about how many children you would like one day?
I can't imagine how hard it must be for the ladies out there like yourselves who are desperate for another child and their partners say no but maybe to have avoided this disaapointment earlier these discussions could have taken place.
Now your in a position where you get what you want and your oh have to just put up with it, I struggle to understand how you can want to try for a child knowing the dad doesn't really want one.

I'm sure there are ladies in thei position where the men want another and the ladies do not and that too amazes me.

These discussions did take place. Many times and we never agreed on a definite number of children. It's not as simple as you make it out and I am a bit offended by the bluntness of your post especially as you do not know the ins and outs of the situation. It's not a case of I've got my own way and he has to put up with it.

After multiple frank and honest discussions on both our sides, about having another baby and I had accepted that we would never have any more. In fact I had sold a lot of our baby stuff and I was in the process of selling our travel system when my oh broached the subject with me again and agreed to another. I had never raised it with him again after our last discussion, it was him who bought it up again.

Please give some credit to my husband. I couldn't force him into doing something he really didn't want to do. He is a very strong willed character, not easily led by others, knows his own mind and is more than capable of making his own decisions.

I can appreciate that it doesn't read well, but there has been much more to this decision than me having a paddy about wanting another baby and my hubby giving in to me.

 

[Nomad]

For what it's worth, I don't think your post read badly at all Emily and I think the response you got was uncalled for. X

 

[Emily0505]

Thank you

XX

 

[Dotty_woman]

I agree. I'm sorry that this thread has descended into something I didn't intend it to and am sorry if you have been upset Emily0505 when you had tried to offer me support. Please can we respect everyone's individual situations and avoid judging people when we don't know their circumstances. xxx

 

[Lyllian]

Even discussing beforehand,before marriage etc there's nothing to say one of you won't feel differently at some point. Me and.oh married with me insisting I never wanted any kids. Then I changed my mind and was desparate for one and he agreed. I would like another, so would he but there's nothing to say one of us might want a third and the other won't. All the discussions beforehand in the world can't prepare for changing feelings and emotions when it comes to it. discussions about how many you want 'one day' are meaningless,people's feelings change. It's hard to put a number on how many children you want when it's hypothetical.

Dotty good luck with the letter,really good idea. I read this yesterday but things continue to be manic and I didn't have time to do a proper.reply and I see you have a letter you're happy with now. Wishing you lots of luck, I hope it brings you some peace whatever the outcome. Xxx

 

[Dotty_woman]

I can't take all the credit for the letter idea. My friend suggested it. I told him I've written him a letter before I left for work this morning and he sounded a bit surprised. Just hope he reads it now. xxx

 

[T84]

Let us know how you get on x

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

Good luck hun I really hope it works for you. I totally understand the ache in Your heart when you want another baby. The ache in my heart was so strong that regardless of the fact my previous pregnancy nearly killed me I still wanted another try. Queue having my baby almost 6 months ago again nearly dying and the same longing is there. My other half really didn't want to have another because of the risks but did finally agree to my wishes after I visited the docs to get a care plan and to make sure it was safe for me to do so.
Emily my oh didn't want another and really was quite happy to stick to the one we just had together I have one from a previous relationship too and he has only agreed as my longing for a baby was so strong. But like your oh is also a strong willed man himself. Sometimes in a relationship with different wishes a compromise is made. Someone has to give and we are just the lucky ones I guess.

Really wish you all the luck with the letter xxx

 

[Iwant3]

Lyllian you sound like me and my OH, we married on the intention that we both didn't want children......but after 3 years of marriage it was clear I wanted a baby, and my OH agreed although he was worried he wouldn't be a good father! We had a son in 2006, and that was going to be it. 2008 at Christmas I was broody and managed to pluck up the courage to discuss with DH and to my suprise he agreed instantly! we came off the pill just after Xmas, fell pregnant on our sons 3rd birthday and our first daughter was born Christmas 2009! now we had the boy and girl and were complete, but when my daughter was 16 months I had that same feeling return, wanting another = but realised it wasn't an option so managed to live with it and move on. When our daughter was 2.5 I felt the same, but knew it wasn't to be, but then DH said something that indicated he was thinking of another, so I instantly talked to him about it and we went through everything to make sure it was the right decision... this time ttc wasn't so straight forward as I was then 35, we had 3 losses on the way but finally had our 2nd daughter in March 2014 when our daughter was 4y3m! we intended an age gap of 3 year! but there we go.........

Now I go on to think, everytime I have had these feelings it has be met with the opportunity to actually have a baby, but what happens when the opportunity is no longer an option - how do you get rid of the feelings!

I'm pretty sure now that I do not want any more children, but that is how I felt after having both my son and my first daughter and that changed! Although I know how hard ttc was with all the losses was last time and know that I cannot face that again, so I just need to keep that in mind for future.

Also I feel terribly guilty about having the third that I now I don't have as much time for the other 2 children. My son, and second daughter grew up and I didn't notice in the 22 months ttc and being pregnant with the 3rd, because I was so obsessed with ovulation tests, testing, symptom spotting that I wished my life away in 2 weeks time blocks and over a year passed without me noticing any other aspect of my life. which I will not get back, my daughter went from 2 years old and being picked up to being 4 and too big to pick up in the time I was ttc, miscarrying and pregnant!

I feel your letter was great Dotty to start and is probably even better now that you have tweeked in and with everyones advise added bits and left bits out. I wish you all the luck with your hubby and hope he sees how much this means to you and is effecting you, and will support you with what ever decision comes out of the discussions.

 

[queenriccy]

Good luck with everything Dotty - hope things work out ok for you hun

I cant imagine how you are feeling - me and my husband are in the opposite position, hubby wants another but im unsure and we have agreed to wait for a year and talk about it again

xx

 

[SunnySue]

Good luck Dotty, hope the letter makes him at least think about it again. Fx it does the trick x

 

[Lyllian]

I so hope you get the response you need. It's horrible to hear you in so much pain everything crossed x

 

[Les1504]

Oh hun, I feel for you so much I really do.

I was in your position myself just months ago and could have written that letter myself.

My hubby said a flat no to any more children but I was desperate for another. It was on my mind constantly, I physically ached with the longing for another baby and I was even dreaming about it every night. Quite frankly it was pure torture.

I was able to have a serious discussion with my hubby about it. Numerous discussions in fact and he has now agreed to another. He doesn't really want another as such but will do it for me as he knows just how much it means to me.

Your letter is a good place to start to broach the subject if you struggle with discussing it.

I really hope he comes around hun. I know how awful this feeling is

XX

I am sorry but to say your husband doesn't really want another but will do for you I just find shocking that you would put someone in that position. There is nothing wrong with you wanting more of course not but did you ever speak about how many children you would like one day?
I can't imagine how hard it must be for the ladies out there like yourselves who are desperate for another child and their partners say no but maybe to have avoided this disaapointment earlier these discussions could have taken place.
Now your in a position where you get what you want and your oh have to just put up with it, I struggle to understand how you can want to try for a child knowing the dad doesn't really want one.

I'm sure there are ladies in thei position where the men want another and the ladies do not and that too amazes me.

These discussions did take place. Many times and we never agreed on a definite number of children. It's not as simple as you make it out and I am a bit offended by the bluntness of your post especially as you do not know the ins and outs of the situation. It's not a case of I've got my own way and he has to put up with it.

After multiple frank and honest discussions on both our sides, about having another baby and I had accepted that we would never have any more. In fact I had sold a lot of our baby stuff and I was in the process of selling our travel system when my oh broached the subject with me again and agreed to another. I had never raised it with him again after our last discussion, it was him who bought it up again.

Please give some credit to my husband. I couldn't force him into doing something he really didn't want to do. He is a very strong willed character, not easily led by others, knows his own mind and is more than capable of making his own decisions.

I can appreciate that it doesn't read well, but there has been much more to this decision than me having a paddy about wanting another baby and my hubby giving in to me.

As someone who can relate to both Emily's and Dotty's situations 100%, I also find this incredibly offensive! If only life were that simple hey! Sadly life and relationships are not that black and white x

 

[Dotty_woman]

It seems that Hubby has chosen to respond by not responding at all. I wasn't expecting a pushover but to not even acknowledge what it was so difficult for me to write is very hurtful. At the very least I hoped I'd get a conversation. Going to leave it a couple of days before following it up. It doesn't look promising though.

 

[Nomad]

Oh dear. Hopefully he's just taking time to think it over. You must be so frustrated, I really feel for you x

 

[Mrbump83]

It seems that Hubby has chosen to respond by not responding at all. I wasn't expecting a pushover but to not even acknowledge what it was so difficult for me to write is very hurtful. At the very least I hoped I'd get a conversation. Going to leave it a couple of days before following it up. It doesn't look promising though.

Maybe he is trying to process and think things through.

I'm a very impatient person by nature and would have to at least ask him if he had read it yet and relate I would like some form of conversation, be it good or bad. A response is required.

To not acknowledge is very unfair but he may just been trying to work through some personal emotions on it all before responding.
X

 

[LD1978]

Ahh I hope he's just mulling it over!! Is he the sort of person to write one back? Maybe he doesnt know how to approach it and is worried he will upset you xx

 

[SunnySue]

He hasn't flat out told you to forget it so all is not lost Dotty. Maybe he just needs some time to think things over. At least he hasn't dismissed the idea outright? You are doing the right thing by giving him some time before bringing it up. If he is thinking things over, the last thing you want to do is make him feel pressured. Give him some time, i'm sure he'll discuss it when he's ready. Good luck x