Guest
Hi everyone,
I really need some help! Some of you may have seen my posts in 'First Trimester', for those who haven't, I'll write it down here. I really need somewhere to "get my head together" on this as it's really stressing me out and I'd appreciate any thoughts and/or advice.
I'm 34. I have two children by my first marriage. They're almost 8 and 10. I left my husband 4 years ago and have been with my current partner for 3 years. He's a year older than me, has never really had a long-term relationship, never lived with anyone before and has no children of his own (yet!). I am almost 6 weeks' pregnant by him.
My partner has an awful, quick temper. Although he's never been physically violent, he shouts and swears at me a lot and has been nasty, calling me names, e.g. "cow", "bitch", "leach" etc. For a while, I put his moods and temper tantrums down to the fact that he is a heavy dope smoker. He also goes out most weekends and is always the last of his friends to go home. When he does, he's very drunk and argumentative.
He works, but for himself. Mostly, he hasn't been giving me cash (I bought this house and pay all the bills from tax credits and maintenance), rather, he buys a lot of shopping. Don't get me wrong, he has paid for things like getting my car fixed. I've told him I need a regular amount of money every week from him and that I will buy the shopping.
Anyway, he makes the kids' packed lunches a lot of the time and will make dinner quite often, but apart from that, he does nothing in the house or garden. I would rather that he e.g. fixed the toilet seat that's been broken for 6 months - I've laready fixed it 3 times, or cut the grass or helped me to decorate etc.
The thing is, even though he won't do anything around the house, he won't let me get anyone else in to do these jobs either. Last year, our garden got like a jungle. I was sick of looking at it, so I hired a petrol strimmer and my cousin's partner very kindly offered to cut the grass with it. My partner went ballistic, shouting and swearing at me in front of my cousin's partner and he kept this up for about 2 days - just because another guy cut the grass (he told me not to use the petrol strimmer myself).
Lately, my uncle's friend was going to put new flooring in my children's bedrooms (for a "token" £20), but my partner refused to "allow" this, saying he would re-floor the rooms. Of course, he hasn't even made a start, even though the kids have been away for the weekend with their dad...
This is one thing that really annoys me - he will do nothing around the house (e.g. he took the trim off the kitchen units and it took him two and a half years to put it back on), but he won't let me get anyone else in to do these jobs! My brother got so sick of seeing my garden fence needing repaired for over 2 years, that he started to repair it, but my partner wasn't happy about that either. He feels that anyone else doing things, "shows him up".
He is terrible with road rage too. I've been in the car with him when he's raced down the hard-shoulder on the motorway to "overtake" someone he thinks "cut him up" (even though the other, faster lanes were empty). He rolls down his window and shouting things like, "Fucking move, you stupid bitch!" to e.g. women who don't turn right fast enough. Last week, he was driving and a bus came out of a bus stop. He was behind the bus, hadn't started to overtake it and had plenty of time to slow down. Rather than slowing down though, he kep accelerating, overtook the bus and stopped dead in front of it, so the bus couldn't get past, then he went out and had a go at the bus driver, whilst I sat, cringing in the car. He does such things a lot. I feel that he puts himself in these situations, gets uptight (whereas I'd perhaps just mutter under my breath) and causes a scene in public. Many people have commented that it's a wonder that he hasn't been physically assaulted due to these outbursts.
Another time when he was drunk (thankfully the kids were with their dad for the weekend), he set fire to our bedroom by accident, but came back downstairs to join me and a couple of our friends who had came in after our night out, and he didn't say anything. I only knew when the smoke alarm went off and the whole of the upstairs was covered in smoke. He had taken the burning items and thrown them onto the roof from the velux window and so there was a smouldering fire in our bedroom and one on the roof by the time I realised that he had dropped a joint onto some clothes he had left on the floor.
Just before I found out I was pregnant, a couple of weeks ago, he came home drunk. It was a school night. He had already 'phoned me many times, continually waking me up, before he got home. When he got home, he woke me and the kids up after 4am. I was a bit grumpy because I was tired and asked him to keep quiet. That started him off. He started shouting that I was "evil" and "abusive" to him. He kept on and on at me. Coming into the bedroom and continuing his tirade. I flipped and started throwing his clothes out of the wardrobe and told him that if I was so "evil" to him, he could get out in the morning. I then went dowsnstairs to calm down. He came down a few minutes later, still very drunk, and went out in his car. By this time, the kids ran downstairs and were screaming at me to call the police, before he killed himself or someone else. I called his dad who went out looking for him, but he was really angry about that too when he got back. He likes his family and friends to think that he's really sweet.
Since that incident the other week, my children have been really clingy with me. They are worried about what my partner will do when he's drunk. He has a quick temper most of the time anyway, even when he's not drunk. The kids have been talking to me, the last couple of nights, when I was out with them without my partner. My little boy said, "Mum, you're not, evil, he's evil. He shouts at you all the time". Even though he was sick last night and had been off school during the day, my little boy wanted to go round and stay at my mum's whilst I visited my gran after her operation, rather than be in the house with my partner.
Also last night, my little girl was saying, "Mum, does xxxxx love you? He doesn't act like he loves you, because he just shouts at you all the time. He doesn't treat you very nicely". Of course, being kids, they also tell my mum everything. She was already worried about my partner, but she just thought he was a terrible nag. My mum said to me last night, "I think you've made a terrible mistake" (getting pregnant to him). I feel awful that my two little kids are being affected by him and that's the final straw for me. I was beginning to believe my partner (and sometimes still wonder) that it's my fault that he acts the way he does. I thought I could put up with him in the hope that we could sort things out, but I hate him for worrying my children like this.
I can't go anywhere with my partner. Nights out are ruined because he never wants to come home and gets annoyed with me when I've had enough and want to get to bed. I rarely go out with him now, which is another thing he gets annoyed about. He thinks I should be out with him when he goes out with his friends and their partners, but I'm on edge all night, wondering what's going to start him off next. He spends most of the day after nights out (often till 5pm) in bed. In fact, he's in bed most of the day at weekends. Days out are ruined because he criticises my driving constantly, so I'm on edge if I drive. If he drives, he frighten me with his road rage, then he's in a mood with me all day for "acting like a timid wee mouse", or arguing about how he was justified in doing what he did, e.g. shouting and swearing at other drivers or doing something dangerous like overtaking on the hard-shoulder.
Yesterday, he was in a foul mood when he got home because he had been stopped by police for using his mobile whilst driving. He got 3 points and a £60 fine. He showed me his 'phone and said that it was me who had 'phoned him (I have told him many times not to answer his 'phone when driving). I noticed on the call list that he had made/taken 3 calls (including mine) in less than 10 minutes when the police were watching him, so I pointed this out. He began screaming at me that it was my fault for 'phoning him and what did it matter about the other calls? I tried to walk away, to let him calm down, but he followed me upstairs (to where to children were), continuing to shout at me for "winding him up".
He always blames me for his outbursts. I am always "winding him up". His driving whilst drunk the other week was my fault too (even though he has done this at least three times and been prosecuted for it before I met him). He said, "Why is it that I can go out for a night out and be having a great time, yet when I come home to you, I end up doin' my nut? It must be you that winds me up because I'm fine till I get in here to you".
We did split up in October last year, after I felt so depressed and desperate that I contacted the Samaritans. He went to live with his parents, promised he'd give up smoking dope, got anti-depressants and said he'd been referred for anger management sessions. I wanted to make a go of things and he seemed to be trying, so I let him come back. Almost as soon as he'd moved back in though, he was smoking dope again, had ditched the anti-depressants and has never mentioned the anger management sessions again. Things haven't improved at all....
He can be thoughtful. He'll buy things for the kids and play with them sometimes (hardly ever), but we rarely do anything as a family. The kids mostly stay out of his way. So do I. Lately, I've been trying to avoid being in the same room as him and I dread him coming in from work. When he's not working, he's in bed a lot. I can't talk to him about anything.
I tried to talk to him the other night, but he says I'm "putting him under pressure". Last night, I told him that I'd had enough. He seemed to suggest that I'd only got back together with him to get pregnant! And he has said a few times that we shouldn't be having a child together. I've told him that it's too late for that, and that I'm keeping the baby.
I am so worried though, about coping on my own with 3 children! I don't even have a job. I was going to start my own business, and I've applied for a p/t job, but I can't get childcare for the shifts. If he leaves, I won't get working families tax credit with no job and I'm barely managing as it is...I've been statutorily homeless before for over a year, when I left my ex-husband, and I don't want to lose my home again, for the kids' sake as they're so settled. I suppose I'll have to give my own business a go.
But I find living with him so stressful. I feel trapped. Is my partner right, do I just expect too much of him? Should I try to make this work, or ask him to leave? How will I cope with paying the bills? I can't get income support as my maintenance is more than that and I have a mortgaged house.
Sorry for the long post, but if any of you can give me advice, I'd be really grateful!
I really need some help! Some of you may have seen my posts in 'First Trimester', for those who haven't, I'll write it down here. I really need somewhere to "get my head together" on this as it's really stressing me out and I'd appreciate any thoughts and/or advice.
I'm 34. I have two children by my first marriage. They're almost 8 and 10. I left my husband 4 years ago and have been with my current partner for 3 years. He's a year older than me, has never really had a long-term relationship, never lived with anyone before and has no children of his own (yet!). I am almost 6 weeks' pregnant by him.
My partner has an awful, quick temper. Although he's never been physically violent, he shouts and swears at me a lot and has been nasty, calling me names, e.g. "cow", "bitch", "leach" etc. For a while, I put his moods and temper tantrums down to the fact that he is a heavy dope smoker. He also goes out most weekends and is always the last of his friends to go home. When he does, he's very drunk and argumentative.
He works, but for himself. Mostly, he hasn't been giving me cash (I bought this house and pay all the bills from tax credits and maintenance), rather, he buys a lot of shopping. Don't get me wrong, he has paid for things like getting my car fixed. I've told him I need a regular amount of money every week from him and that I will buy the shopping.
Anyway, he makes the kids' packed lunches a lot of the time and will make dinner quite often, but apart from that, he does nothing in the house or garden. I would rather that he e.g. fixed the toilet seat that's been broken for 6 months - I've laready fixed it 3 times, or cut the grass or helped me to decorate etc.
The thing is, even though he won't do anything around the house, he won't let me get anyone else in to do these jobs either. Last year, our garden got like a jungle. I was sick of looking at it, so I hired a petrol strimmer and my cousin's partner very kindly offered to cut the grass with it. My partner went ballistic, shouting and swearing at me in front of my cousin's partner and he kept this up for about 2 days - just because another guy cut the grass (he told me not to use the petrol strimmer myself).Lately, my uncle's friend was going to put new flooring in my children's bedrooms (for a "token" £20), but my partner refused to "allow" this, saying he would re-floor the rooms. Of course, he hasn't even made a start, even though the kids have been away for the weekend with their dad...
This is one thing that really annoys me - he will do nothing around the house (e.g. he took the trim off the kitchen units and it took him two and a half years to put it back on), but he won't let me get anyone else in to do these jobs! My brother got so sick of seeing my garden fence needing repaired for over 2 years, that he started to repair it, but my partner wasn't happy about that either. He feels that anyone else doing things, "shows him up".
He is terrible with road rage too. I've been in the car with him when he's raced down the hard-shoulder on the motorway to "overtake" someone he thinks "cut him up" (even though the other, faster lanes were empty). He rolls down his window and shouting things like, "Fucking move, you stupid bitch!" to e.g. women who don't turn right fast enough. Last week, he was driving and a bus came out of a bus stop. He was behind the bus, hadn't started to overtake it and had plenty of time to slow down. Rather than slowing down though, he kep accelerating, overtook the bus and stopped dead in front of it, so the bus couldn't get past, then he went out and had a go at the bus driver, whilst I sat, cringing in the car. He does such things a lot. I feel that he puts himself in these situations, gets uptight (whereas I'd perhaps just mutter under my breath) and causes a scene in public. Many people have commented that it's a wonder that he hasn't been physically assaulted due to these outbursts.
Another time when he was drunk (thankfully the kids were with their dad for the weekend), he set fire to our bedroom by accident, but came back downstairs to join me and a couple of our friends who had came in after our night out, and he didn't say anything. I only knew when the smoke alarm went off and the whole of the upstairs was covered in smoke. He had taken the burning items and thrown them onto the roof from the velux window and so there was a smouldering fire in our bedroom and one on the roof by the time I realised that he had dropped a joint onto some clothes he had left on the floor.
Just before I found out I was pregnant, a couple of weeks ago, he came home drunk. It was a school night. He had already 'phoned me many times, continually waking me up, before he got home. When he got home, he woke me and the kids up after 4am. I was a bit grumpy because I was tired and asked him to keep quiet. That started him off. He started shouting that I was "evil" and "abusive" to him. He kept on and on at me. Coming into the bedroom and continuing his tirade. I flipped and started throwing his clothes out of the wardrobe and told him that if I was so "evil" to him, he could get out in the morning. I then went dowsnstairs to calm down. He came down a few minutes later, still very drunk, and went out in his car. By this time, the kids ran downstairs and were screaming at me to call the police, before he killed himself or someone else. I called his dad who went out looking for him, but he was really angry about that too when he got back. He likes his family and friends to think that he's really sweet.
Since that incident the other week, my children have been really clingy with me. They are worried about what my partner will do when he's drunk. He has a quick temper most of the time anyway, even when he's not drunk. The kids have been talking to me, the last couple of nights, when I was out with them without my partner. My little boy said, "Mum, you're not, evil, he's evil. He shouts at you all the time". Even though he was sick last night and had been off school during the day, my little boy wanted to go round and stay at my mum's whilst I visited my gran after her operation, rather than be in the house with my partner.
Also last night, my little girl was saying, "Mum, does xxxxx love you? He doesn't act like he loves you, because he just shouts at you all the time. He doesn't treat you very nicely". Of course, being kids, they also tell my mum everything. She was already worried about my partner, but she just thought he was a terrible nag. My mum said to me last night, "I think you've made a terrible mistake" (getting pregnant to him). I feel awful that my two little kids are being affected by him and that's the final straw for me. I was beginning to believe my partner (and sometimes still wonder) that it's my fault that he acts the way he does. I thought I could put up with him in the hope that we could sort things out, but I hate him for worrying my children like this.
I can't go anywhere with my partner. Nights out are ruined because he never wants to come home and gets annoyed with me when I've had enough and want to get to bed. I rarely go out with him now, which is another thing he gets annoyed about. He thinks I should be out with him when he goes out with his friends and their partners, but I'm on edge all night, wondering what's going to start him off next. He spends most of the day after nights out (often till 5pm) in bed. In fact, he's in bed most of the day at weekends. Days out are ruined because he criticises my driving constantly, so I'm on edge if I drive. If he drives, he frighten me with his road rage, then he's in a mood with me all day for "acting like a timid wee mouse", or arguing about how he was justified in doing what he did, e.g. shouting and swearing at other drivers or doing something dangerous like overtaking on the hard-shoulder.
Yesterday, he was in a foul mood when he got home because he had been stopped by police for using his mobile whilst driving. He got 3 points and a £60 fine. He showed me his 'phone and said that it was me who had 'phoned him (I have told him many times not to answer his 'phone when driving). I noticed on the call list that he had made/taken 3 calls (including mine) in less than 10 minutes when the police were watching him, so I pointed this out. He began screaming at me that it was my fault for 'phoning him and what did it matter about the other calls? I tried to walk away, to let him calm down, but he followed me upstairs (to where to children were), continuing to shout at me for "winding him up".
He always blames me for his outbursts. I am always "winding him up". His driving whilst drunk the other week was my fault too (even though he has done this at least three times and been prosecuted for it before I met him). He said, "Why is it that I can go out for a night out and be having a great time, yet when I come home to you, I end up doin' my nut? It must be you that winds me up because I'm fine till I get in here to you".
We did split up in October last year, after I felt so depressed and desperate that I contacted the Samaritans. He went to live with his parents, promised he'd give up smoking dope, got anti-depressants and said he'd been referred for anger management sessions. I wanted to make a go of things and he seemed to be trying, so I let him come back. Almost as soon as he'd moved back in though, he was smoking dope again, had ditched the anti-depressants and has never mentioned the anger management sessions again. Things haven't improved at all....
He can be thoughtful. He'll buy things for the kids and play with them sometimes (hardly ever), but we rarely do anything as a family. The kids mostly stay out of his way. So do I. Lately, I've been trying to avoid being in the same room as him and I dread him coming in from work. When he's not working, he's in bed a lot. I can't talk to him about anything.
I tried to talk to him the other night, but he says I'm "putting him under pressure". Last night, I told him that I'd had enough. He seemed to suggest that I'd only got back together with him to get pregnant! And he has said a few times that we shouldn't be having a child together. I've told him that it's too late for that, and that I'm keeping the baby.
I am so worried though, about coping on my own with 3 children! I don't even have a job. I was going to start my own business, and I've applied for a p/t job, but I can't get childcare for the shifts. If he leaves, I won't get working families tax credit with no job and I'm barely managing as it is...I've been statutorily homeless before for over a year, when I left my ex-husband, and I don't want to lose my home again, for the kids' sake as they're so settled. I suppose I'll have to give my own business a go.
But I find living with him so stressful. I feel trapped. Is my partner right, do I just expect too much of him? Should I try to make this work, or ask him to leave? How will I cope with paying the bills? I can't get income support as my maintenance is more than that and I have a mortgaged house.
Sorry for the long post, but if any of you can give me advice, I'd be really grateful!
the more I write, the angrier I become (which is good). He's the one whose bad temper and muddled up priorities has ruined things. I'm not being the unreasonable one. 