Should we stay living together regardless ?

[Sabrina]

My OH and I have been living together since June this year. When he first moved in it was only going to be a temporary arrangement till he could find his own place. I have lived with my son as a single parent for 9 years and was quite sure I didn't want a full time live-in partner. I'm quite set in my ways, like my independence and "space" plus having the bed to myself! LOL.

A couple of months ago I suggested he look for another place to live. Although money is an issue for him I feel our relationship would work better if we were not together full time. A few weeks after that I found out I was pregnant and somehow the subject of him moving out got shelved.

Over Christmas we had a few arguments, one at my sisters on Xmas Day, where he snapped at me in front of my family. It all came to a head and I asked him again to move out. He was really upset, said he wanted to do the "proper family thing" and have us all living together etc. 50% of the time he's fine but I honestly think if we stay together we'll break up before the baby is born! I really can't take any more of his tantrums and outbursts. They are unsettling for me and my son (who even commented the other day that my OH was quick tempered)... and it might upset the baby.

Question is - am I mad to try to do this alone (again)... and to not want to live with my BF? Should I just stay living with him for the sake of his/our baby? Has anyone else been in a similar situation or can offer any advice?

Thanks
Sabrina

 

[Londoner Claire]

If he really wants to stay, I'd insist that he attends some sort of anger management counselling as it will affect your kids. I certainly wouldn't not have your baby just for this reason. I'm doing it on my own again myself so in a similar situation but have the support of the father this time. I think it's better to be happy apart than miserable together, kids or not but definitely when you have them.

 

[Sabrina]

Thanks for your quick reply Claire.

I have spoken to him about anger management counselling or something but he refuses to admit he has a problem (even though he hit the wall so hard during a row a few months ago that he smashed a light switchin half!)

I'm sure he'd be supportive as much as he could even if he lived elsewhere. I really don't think he could cope with the early mornings, sleepless nights and crying of a little baby.

Sabrina
x

 

[Londoner Claire]

That's OK, my sons dad was the same, stopped hitting me after I left him after three years but for the next when we got back together he still had the same nasty temper and smashed things, punched holes in walls etc. He couldn't handle fatherhood either. I had to sleep in another room with Ryan as Tony had work the next day and didn't want to be woken! He left when Ryan was 14 weeks old after 7 years together. Didn't see him for a further three when he apologized and had sought help, he was like a different person. It doesn't work for everyone but if he's serious about you, throwing him out may be the only way to make him admit he needs help and going and getting it.

 

[nicky22]

hi hun

sorry to hear about your bf.
it wouldn't be worth the hassle if he was or is living with you. you do need to think of your other son as well as your baby, as like you said, has commented on arguments.
i am not stepping on other people ideas, of trying different things to sort out the relationship,but but if they can do it once, they can do it again. and you may give in time and time again.
what would happen if he started to get abusive with things!
i would act now, and get him to move out.

sorry for being blunt
i hope things work out for you, and iam here if you need me

nicky and lauren
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[nicky22]

hi hun

sorry to hear about your bf.
it wouldn't be worth the hassle if he was or is living with you. you do need to think of your other son as well as your baby, as like you said, has commented on arguments.
i am not stepping on other people ideas, of trying different things to sort out the relationship,but but if they can do it once, they can do it again. and you may give in time and time again.
what would happen if he started to get abusive with things!
i would act now, and get him to move out.

sorry for being blunt
i hope things work out for you, and iam here if you need me

nicky and lauren
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Sabrina]

Thanks for your reply Nicky

We went to the hospital for my booking in appointment today and he's been nothing but helpful, supportive and kind. Only once did I see a slight impatience (with the receptionist at the hospital because she couldn't find my notes)... but really he's been so nice today. I actually feel quite guilty for thinking bad of him at times.

But... having said all that I am aware leopards don't change their spots easily so I'm sticking to what I've said and we'll give the separate homes a try. He is going to look at a place tonight. It sounds a good possibility, only about 10 miles away, private room + en suite in a big detached house and within his price bracket.

Thanks again for your advice. I'll let you know how it goes.

Sabrina
x

 

[Londoner Claire]

Good luck with the room, go with him I would so he doesn't come back making excuses about it being awful when it's perfect. lol

 

[Sabrina]

Hi Claire

I was going to go but I'm knackered tonight. Went to the hospital today and then spent the whole afternoon clearing out cupboards to make some room.

He's gone armed with my digital camera to take snaps to show me what it's like so at least I'll get to see it if not in person! LOL

Sabrina
x

 

[Londoner Claire]

I hope it goes OK and the batteries don't go.

 

[nicky22]

hey sabrina, only you know what to do, take it easy and look after yourself . i am here if needed.

nicky and lauren
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Londoner Claire]

Did he have any luck?

 

[Sabrina]

Hi Claire

the place was quite nice apparently but the landlord wants 2 months rent up front (about £800). He's gone to visit his family this weekend and have a think about things. It's giving us both a chance to chill out. The house hasn't been so quiet in ages.

Sabrina
x

 

[Londoner Claire]

Hi Claire

the place was quite nice apparently but the landlord wants 2 months rent up front (about £800). He's gone to visit his family this weekend and have a think about things. It's giving us both a chance to chill out. The house hasn't been so quiet in ages.

Sabrina
x

Is that including the deposit or £800 on top of the deposit? It's usually a months rent in advance and a months rent as deposit.

Make the most of your peace!

Claire X

 

[Sabrina]

It's all sorted now. He's called the landlord and accepted the room. Seems quite a good set up and the house is spacious at least.

We've had a few tears today and it's been a difficult day. I'm still on/off about if it's the right thing... but I really cannot take any more arguments at the moment. Hopefully we will appreciate each other more when we don't spend 24hours a day together.

Sabrina
x

 

[cassi]

Hi hun, i really dont have much info but i suggest what claire said maybe he should go to some sort of councellor about his short temper and see how it goes from there?

 

[Flame]

Maybe when the baby is born you could try a few days together and see how it works out, he might calm down slightly when the baby is around.

 

[Sabrina]

Thanks Cassi & Flame for your replies.

My family all think it's a good idea OH and I have some time apart as they've realised how things have been getting tense lately.

One of my friends (a man) told me he believes it's the start of the end of our relationship (me and OH). I got quite upset at that. I want us to be together, for each other and the baby, but he has to learn to control his temper. If I could see another way to resolve things I'd do it. He doesn't accept he has a temper at all so he'll never go to counselling.

Anyway, we're still together at the moment. He's moving out next weekend. Today we're off to the 12 week scan. Fingers crossed all is ok.

Thanks again x

Sabrina
x

 

[smurf]

Best of luck with your Scan Sabrina

I really hope things with your BF work out ok.

 

[Londoner Claire]

Good luck Sabrina.