**** july mummies 2018 *****

[JaneyJan]

Gosh Jem. You're not his cook/maid. He knew you're not feeling well enough to go to work. It's concerning what he's saying about what he expects from you once the baby's out. Does he think that's what you're there for? It needs to stop and you need to tell him to get his act together! Does he think it's a piece of pie, having a baby? I'm so mad for you. Does he think he can storm off and threaten to end the relationship because the dishes haven't been done whilst you're off sick? Honestly he sounds selfish and immature!!

I wonder why he's acting this way, if, as you say, it's not normal... Very bizarre, I hope you get some clarity soon. Honestly, you deserve to be treated better than that! Hope it all works out soon..

 

[_GG_]

Jem, lovely, I will write more up later when I have a bit more time, but please, DO NOT let yourself feel in any way responsible for his moods.

If you were a friend close to me, I'd be at your door right now, to have a very serious and frank conversation with you about the pattern that even we "relative strangers on the internet" can see. I'm currently, with lots of other people, helping to support a friend who has very recently left her husband after finally admitting to herself that being treated that way wasn't right...and it was her young children asking her why Daddy doesn't like her that helped give her some clarity.

She's already said that the signs were there right at the beginning, but he only became truly verbally abusive after they were married and it only turned to physical violence after she had their first child.

It is always a gradual process and all women who are victims of controlling/abusive partners say the exact same thing...he was never like this at the beginning, it's just not like him.

I want to come and be there when he gets home from work to give him a piece of my mind as I absolutely abhor any person who will willingly act to make another person feel so bad.

You have done nothing wrong but I do agree with you that the relationship may be over. I say that because what you have is not a healthy relationship.

It could be something triggering his behaviour, but he will need to admit it and seek help. Just be aware of how manipulative some people can be as saying sorry and making false promises of changing can be all it takes to keep a partner from leaving. It's worth giving him a chance but I would very much have my eyes open from now on. The red flags of a potentially physically abusive relationship are at full mast because you are already in a verbally abusive one. Verbal/emotional abuse is also now punishable by law!

Put yourself first and ask yourself if this is what you want for your life and if this is how you want your child to see the world.

Huge hugs. I'm sorry if that was all a bit blunt but my friend said just a few days ago that although a few friends thought it at the beginning, nobody spelled it out to her, so I am. Get online, do some research. I bet if you read accounts of other women in this type of relationship, you'd notice loads of scary similarities.

It's not as uncommon as you'd think either.

Look after yourself and don't be a doormat when he comes home, but I would try not to be too confrontational either.

Xxx

 

[PeanutButter]

GG I love your bluntness! Aha. You explain stuff so well x

Jem I hope your feeling OK. Sometimes I think men are worse than woman with mood swings. Nothing can excuse what he said though. My sister is with a controlling man, tried for years to get her away but she won't leave him. One day they had an argument and she walked out at 1am got attacked for her handbag, punched in the face and stamped on by a big guy, he said its her fault for walking off.
You need to speak to him and ask him what he wants and if he wants you an an baby you need to tell him he's gotta make some big changes.
My house is usually a mess, I try but when I leave the room baby cries so I do everything one handed, he comes home and says don't worry cos he knows if I feel shit or down especially now I'm pregnant. X

 

[PeanutButter]

I went for my booking appointment, and the main midwife I need to book with is on holiday. So the midwife there was like I'll get her to ring you next week for an appointment. Wasn't even that I waited 45 mins after my appointment time, and it takes half an hour each way to walk and I have a 3 month old there wanting food etc.

 

[JemRose]

Thank you everyone, you're so supportive. I just hope it's a blip and things get better when I'm in the second trimester. I really don't want him to leave and like I said he's never ever been like this before. I agree with you GG I have suffered an abusive relationship before, but honestly this doesn't feel the same. I really don't know what's causing his actions but it's definitely since the pregnancy. Maybe in time when it's all more real, he'll realise x

 

[PeanutButter]

Is he going to the 12 week scan with you? It might help him realise he needs to start supporting you. Growing a baby isn't easy! X

 

[Shepherdess]

Thank you everyone, you're so supportive. I just hope it's a blip and things get better when I'm in the second trimester. I really don't want him to leave and like I said he's never ever been like this before. I agree with you GG I have suffered an abusive relationship before, but honestly this doesn't feel the same. I really don't know what's causing his actions but it's definitely since the pregnancy. Maybe in time when it's all more real, he'll realise x

are you feeling a bit better now?

sounds like you need a really big talk, and a calm one. if you feel yourself working up into a panic attack ask him to leave the room until you are feeling calmer then try again. lots of men freak out when suddenly a baby is happening but how they deal with it is what is important. please let us know how you get on once you've seen him

 

[Shanivy]

Thank you everyone, you're so supportive. I just hope it's a blip and things get better when I'm in the second trimester. I really don't want him to leave and like I said he's never ever been like this before. I agree with you GG I have suffered an abusive relationship before, but honestly this doesn't feel the same. I really don't know what's causing his actions but it's definitely since the pregnancy. Maybe in time when it's all more real, he'll realise x

I seriously hope he does get a grip. Leaving you in a panic attack is not okay at all. I used to get them as a teenager and they can be awful to deal with, especially in a situation like that. Definitely sit down and talk to him but don't just let him apologise. You need explanations and more. I agree with GG and there's obviously some issue going on here with the pregnancy. Saying he expects everything to be done when the baby comes is very controlling. I seriously hope you get proper explanations for his assholish behaviour of late.

None of us are judging you on this thread btw. Just for the record. We all just want the best for you and baba lovely. Hope everything works out later Jem and please do let us know how youre doing

xxxx

 

[_GG_]

Thank you everyone, you're so supportive. I just hope it's a blip and things get better when I'm in the second trimester. I really don't want him to leave and like I said he's never ever been like this before. I agree with you GG I have suffered an abusive relationship before, but honestly this doesn't feel the same. I really don't know what's causing his actions but it's definitely since the pregnancy. Maybe in time when it's all more real, he'll realise x

I seriously hope he does get a grip. Leaving you in a panic attack is not okay at all. I used to get them as a teenager and they can be awful to deal with, especially in a situation like that. Definitely sit down and talk to him but don't just let him apologise. You need explanations and more. I agree with GG and there's obviously some issue going on her with the pregnancy. Saying he expects everything to be done when the baby comes is very controlling. I seriously hope you get proper explanations for his assholish behaviour of late.

None of us are judging you on this thread btw. Just for the record. We all just want the best for you and baba lovely. Hope everything works out later Jem and please do let us know how youre doing

xxxx

Absolutely this Jem. No judgement at all, just wanting you to be okay.
Do remember though that no two situations are the same. Him being different to your ex doesn't mean he's not still capable of going down that road.

Just a quick look at all of our reactions is enough to tell you that it is not at all normal behaviour. We no longer live in 1741! This is a modern world and in it, both parents are equally responsible for everything. Inside different relationships, there will be different dynamics, but an expectation of a new mum to be perfect is very wrong. A threat that if you're not, he'll leave IS extremely controlling, manipulative and worrying...as is his refusal to talk to you. His silence is a punishment. He's punishing you for making him angry even though you did nothing wrong.

It's true, men can't understand what it's like to be pregnant but that doesn't absolve them of their responsibility to be at least civil!

Best of luck later...and remember, you DESERVE better than the treatment you have received. Xxx

 

[JenKat]

Oh Jem I'm so sorry you had to go through that, it's completely out of order. For the record, you should not have to stand for that. Whatever he's going through there is no excuse for him to take it out on you in that way.
I think there can be a temptation to make excuses for the ones we love and overlook certain things, but really, this is the time when HE should be being supportive of YOU, and trying to understand all the things you're going through.

You say that you've been in an abusive relationship before but that this feels different. But abuse can take many forms and it's important to not slip into a pattern. I'm not saying that's what's happening here, just that it's something to be aware of.

I agree, that when he comes home from work you should have a calm discussion with him. But try and make sure you're not apologising for not cleaning or doing the dishes. You did nothing wrong and it should be about communicating to him what you are feeling and what you feel you need right now. His response to that will give you a good measure of how things are likely to continue.

And finally, just to echo what others have said, no one here is judging you. We are going through things that can make us feel vulnerable and it's important that we feels safe being vulnerable like that. I hope you always feel you can talk to us here and know that we will just want to support you.

Thinking of you and hoping all goes well!

 

[JemRose]

Thank you I feel much better now. I won't be apologising at all, but I will tell him that he can't treat me that way. He is coming to the 12 week scan so hopefully things might change then.

Honestly can't thank any of you enough for your supportive words and help, it's amazing xxx

 

[_GG_]

Thank you I feel much better now. I won't be apologising at all, but I will tell him that he can't treat me that way. He is coming to the 12 week scan so hopefully things might change then.

Honestly can't thank any of you enough for your supportive words and help, it's amazing xxx

Hopefully the scan will help him see that this is real and is happening. Would he do any reading to understand what it is that happens to a woman's body in the first trimester? I think it can be easy to assume that we only have to deal with nausea but maybe if he learned more about how much it takes out of us due to the rapid changes happening, he'd be a bit more understanding.

Anyway, let us know how it goes later but don't stand for any more silent treatment. I assume he's no longer 12 years old, so that kind of behaviour has no place in an adult relationship and let him know that.

Xxx

 

[PeanutButter]

My husband asked me why i was so tired. I was like I'm growing a fking human being! He said I'm only in the first tri so it's not that bad. Had to explain the first tri is the hardest! Men.

 

[Shanivy]

My husband asked me why i was so tired. I was like I'm growing a fking human being! He said I'm only in the first tri so it's not that bad. Had to explain the first tri is the hardest! Men.

Mine knows better haha. Though my line lately seems to be "IM MAKING A BABY FFS" haha I'm sooo tired and I'm in the worst mood ever today. Have to go to DDs fayre thing tonight with my in laws and all I want to do is go to bed ;roll: 1st tri is ridiculous roll on January! xx

 

[Shanivy]

Thank you I feel much better now. I won't be apologising at all, but I will tell him that he can't treat me that way. He is coming to the 12 week scan so hopefully things might change then.

Honestly can't thank any of you enough for your supportive words and help, it's amazing xxx

Don't worry about it hun we're all here for each other. Hope your night goes well xxxx

 

[KHTW]

I am so tired today too!!! DD is watching one Bing after another I can't seem to move from the sofa. So not like me. I don't like this but can't seem to help it!!! Hopefully it's only today

 

[Shepherdess]

I've had a good day today, had a massive pre Christmas clean and finished putting up the decorations which I was too tired to put up last week.
I lit the fire at 3 so the house is all cosy and my family are coming round for a birthday tea for my dad and board games. hopefully won't be too late of a night.

anyone else have itchy nipples? mine drive me crazy!

 

[PeanutButter]

Sounds lovely shepherdess. No mine keep stinging, like when your BF and they attach wrong. Ouch.
Our decorations still not up, not even finished buying lol x

 

[flowerbomb]

had my booking in appointment today with the midwife which went well. got my 12 scan date 4.1.18. I mentioned to the midwife about me bleeding when having sex and shes told me to refrain till my 12 week scan incase the placenta is low which they'll be able to see from the scan.

ive also got a scan tonight which I booked privately. I'm so scared because of my previous missed miscarriage.

 

[_GG_]

had my booking in appointment today with the midwife which went well. got my 12 scan date 4.1.18. I mentioned to the midwife about me bleeding when having sex and shes told me to refrain till my 12 week scan incase the placenta is low which they'll be able to see from the scan.

ive also got a scan tonight which I booked privately. I'm so scared because of my previous missed miscarriage.

Oh bless you. Hopefully your fear will turn to excitement in a few hours. Don't forget to pop your scan pick up.

I'm sure all will be okay but a few weeks no sex will fly by.