He Finally Called it a Day (loooong story!)

[Franna75]

I should probably be posting this in the Single Parent forum as my OH has just finished with me. Its been rocky since the beginning as he lives in another country. We had been doing the long distance thing for 3 years and then he said he moving here to England and we got pregnant straight away. As soon as he found out he said he was staying abroad so he had money for the baby.
His life abroad is one big holiday and he spends his evenings and weekends partying until the early hours with 20somethingyearold expats despite being 41. I always felt that whenever he visited me it was under duress and that as soon as he got back on a plane he went back to his hedonistic lifestyle and would refuse to call or text.
He came over on Saturday and we had a wondeful four days (sex sorry if TMI) plenty of "I love you more than you'll ever knows". I asked him if we could talk about the problems we have when he goes back abroad and it started a massive discussion. He admitted that he didn't want a long distance relationship anymore and that I either move to India (he is not Indian, just on a contract for two more years out there) or its over. He said he wants to come home to someone in the evening rather than a moody me on Skype. I have told him that i can't possibly go there because of the Malaria risk and when the baby is born i would be to scared for his health - plus i would have no support over there and as my exOH travels a lot with his job, i would be on my own in a City I hate (I spent a few months there last year). He said tough and walked out, got a hotel (that was Wednesday).

I rang him last night in absolute floods of tears asking how he could do this to me when I'm seven months pregnant and he said he had tried and that his happiness was more important to him and that he is unhappy with our relationship if we are apart.

I'm devastated. We have such a good time when we are together and I feel it is because of his attitude when he is away from me that causes the arguments we have (like going out with single young girls). I've asked if we can compromise and at least have some form of commitment whereby we have a place together (at the moment I have my own and pay my own mortgage and his company pay his) and then i will be less clingy and know that we have somewhere for the future but he has said no way.

He has also said to expect nothing from him and then anything I do get will be a bonus. He earns over £10,000 a month but hasn't given me a penny and there are no plans to. I will have to go back to work three months after the baby is born and i've no idea how I will cope.

The worst thing is he said to me a couple of weeks ago that he felt trapped and that there were relationships that he was missing out on, so I think my fear has come true, that he has got someone else, but that he's too cowardly to admit to it...

I cant stop crying as I feel it is all my own fault and if only I hadn't been so hormonal and let him do what he wanted we would still be together. I feel totally betrayed, lost and confused

My whole pregnancy has been one big tearful experience...he has said all along that he didn't want the baby and even called the abortion clinic at 18 weeks. I should have known then and walked away but i wasn't strong enough.

Why did he keep coming back if he didnt want me? Why did he keep sleeping with me and telling me he loved me and acting as though everything was great when he was here.

I should stop now as im sure you're bored of reading. What am i going to do, i feel like my heart has been ripped out ....

 

[jodied]

Aww Hun massive hug

To be brutally honest it sounds to me as though he is scared of commitment and doesn't want to give up his lifestyle! If thats the case then you and your baby are better off without him because he will only keep letting you down. I suggest you steer clear of him for now and if he's got anything about him he will realise what he is missing and come running back - if he does only go back if he's giving you what you need. If he doesn't come back you are better off without him and you need to find out through CSA what you are entitled to from him!! Xx

 

[BabysMomma]

Awwhun, I'm really sorry that he's being such an ass!! Seems like nothing has changed for him at all. He still gets to party and act like a moron, whilst you're carrying his child and lots of life changing things are happening for you.

You are so better of without a person like that in your life. And if he's earning £10k a month and not prepared to ensure that you have everything that's needed for baby, then he's a complete tosser. I know having him change his ways and being there for you and baby is what you really want, but why should you have to suffer financially cos he's a prick.

OMG I am so mad that he doesn't see the bigger picture and says that his happiness is more important! What jodied says...get the CSA after him!

Its scary bringing up a child on your own, but you can do it. You have your own home already and seem to be a strong and sensible person. Please do not think that his cowardly actions are your fault. He's the one with the problems and the issues. He's 41 going on 14 and I bet 100% down the line he regrets missing out what he could've had with you and seeing his DS grow up. He is definitely so immature.

Again huni, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this Do you have supportive family and friends around you? x

 

[Olive]

Hi hun,

Really sorry to read your story. I hope you have a good support network around you.

I'm sorry, but he can't love you to treat you like he has. You deserve a whole lot better

I agree about CSA. I'd definitely give them a call.

xxxx

 

[Emerald rose]

Im sorry hun. Dont blame yourself you deserve to be in a relationship with someone you can trust and loves you the same way you love him. Please contact csa dont let him get away with not supporting your baby.

 

[Xcitedmum]

It sounds like he is very manipulative and appears to be somewhat good at it in that you seem to think this situation is all your fault? I understand that you are upset but come on - surely you realise you are better off without him?

He has convinced you that the break up is your fault even though you strongly suspect he has someone else to run to?

I think you need to take some time out to think things through and to look at the bigger picture. I agree with the other girls, contact CSA

 

[Franna75]

THx all - i just feel so numb. Luckily i do have supportive family and friends and they are trying to keep me strong, but in a way a just want him....i know i shouldn't and that's he's not worth it. I'm afraid i can't involve the CSA as he's an American citizen and out of the country so I would have to take him to court and i dont have the money or the mental energy. I'm hoping that he will come to his senses and at least consider some kind of financial support nearer the time. To add insult to injury he has said he wants to be present at the birth but I said no way - he is the last person i'm going to want to see. Not sure what his motive is.....i suppose he wants to be seen to be doing his bit, or hoping that he may get some kind of revelation or calling but maybe that's wishful thinking on my part. I wish he understood what i'm going through and would at least try for a while to be there for his son.....

My mate has said that this is the best thing that could have happened and i've had a lucky escape. She is probably right, I certainly don't want his lack of empathy and morals being passed on.

Theres always time to heal and just think in 79 days (ish) it will have all been worth fighting for. His loss xx

 

[Sarah13]

So sorry your going through this, he sounds like a right immature selfish a**ehole!

I would still get csa involved, stuff him, he put you through this. The baby is his responsibility too and you prob find he will pay court fees or you may not even need court, sometimes it only takes one letter from them to give that kick up the backside! Def don't stuggle when he's earning. You created this child together and both have equal responsibility for it. I've had a lot of dealings with csa myself over the years, it's nothing to be scared of they can be helpful, you could even just speak to them for advice first. It means you know your child will be supported properly and not just when it suits him, be very aware of that!

Don't blame you for not wanting him at the actual birth but you should let him be there soon after whatever your relationship he has the right to be in the babies life (even tho he wanted a termination, people change) but make sure the arrangements suit you and don't let him mess with your head. The shock of a baby might make him grow up and realise what he's done but tread very carefully! Sounds like he's going through one big mid life crisis to me!

Hope things work out for you x

 

[tinselcat]

What a jerk. Delivering an ultimatum to you when pregnant, forcing you to give up your friends, family and job so the only person you would have to depend on is him?

Sounds like he is very used to getting his own way and still thinks of himself as 20 years younger than he is (he's certainly acting like it).

I don't know what I can say really, but from a cold objective perspective, I think he's only going to mess with your head more if you have anything else to do with him.

I cant stop crying as I feel it is all my own fault and if only I hadn't been so hormonal and let him do what he wanted we would still be together.

It's really not your fault. He's acting like a spoilt kid. Would you really want a life where you had to do & say everything to placate him in case he might up and leave? I'm sorry but I think relationships should be two way.

I hope I'm not sounding harsh, I really feel bad for you If there's anything positive, in a few months time you will have a beautiful baby there with you. Glad to hear you have a supportive network of friends and family

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

he sounds like a Kn*b... CSA have no power out of England so even if he was English they wouldnt chase him to India.

If i were you i would write him a letter, no emotion or bringing up any cr*p just plain, to the point, facts. Ask him if he wishes to have anything to do with his child, ask him if he is prepared to accept the child and if so is he prepared to support the baby. Explain to him that if he is not willing to put some money in the pot he will have no access to the baby and you will feel no obligation to him to involve him in the childs life or give him any sort of access/updates.

If he earns £10k a month, then suggest to him he provides you with £500 a month which should be sufficient to cover half of the childs outgoings including a share of the rent/food/clothing. If he is not prepared to adhere to that, then i would quite simply, walk away.

I realise its going to be very emotional for you, this man has clearly taken you for a ride and given you stresses and insecurity that no woman needs during the late stages of pregnancy... I suggest you try and act emotionless towards him though, its a business arrangement between the pair of you now and will be until the child is old enough to have emotions and love for its father IF he chooses to step up and provide for that child.

best of luck, i wouldnt want to be in your position at all x

 

[FebMum2Be]

I don't know anything about CSA but I just wanted to send you some 's, it will be his loss hun although I know it hurts like hell now, but it will get easier, I hope you are ok and we are always here x

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Theres nothing i can say that hasnt been said already.. i agree with all of the above..
Being a single mum isnt all that hard when your prepared to do it alone.. better know now than after the baby is born..
If i were you i would go to the citizens advice bureau and get some advice. If you cant afford courts you will get legal aid.. This is NOT your fault!!!
If he is earning that amount a month then he can afford to support his child!! I was told if my ex earns over £200 a week im entitled to 20% (as i have two children with him) but the c**k has blagged it he earns £190 a week (pros of working with a mate!! forged payslips and cash in hand!) so i only get £8 for my eldest and £2 for my youngest a week.. But hes been failing to pay and the CSA have been very helpful.
You have the support of your freinds and family and you will definitly have the support of a solicitor! Dont leave it too long to move on this or youll miss out on some money.. They wouldnt backdate money for my youngest til a year after she was born when i reported him not paying for her either.. (he left when she was 5 weeks old and i didnt think to call the csa just wanted to forget about it all)

Sending you all the love and strength in the world you CAN do this!! I actually loved being a single mum and i had no family support til they were 3 and 6..
You and your son deserve better than him..
xxxx

 

[Franna75]

Thanks everyone for your heartfelt resonses...they all really helped me. Well, they say time is the greatest healer and I agree it is. Not that the pain is over but i have got past the stage of rejection. In fact, I feel strangely liberated. I'd been fighting for so long to make him want this as much as I do but he never did. He had the choice of commitment or freedom and he chose the latter. I think he's a coward - but in the long run I have been spared, im sure.

I went through a week of hell and then I got an email from him on Thursday saying that his life is so tough and he just wants to be happy - you know, a real woe is me approach; almost as though he wanted me to feel sorry for him, but I don't. The good news is he has said that he will support me financially I just need to let him know what I want. Its inviting me for a fall so Im not going to answer yet. I'm just getting over the fact that he doesnt want me anymore and that my son wont have a Daddy there.

I've got ten weeks of my pregnancy left and i'm going to enjoy them. The past 30 have been so intense. I can't wait to hold my baby in my arms and know that it's all been worth it - i've wanted him from the second I knew i was pregnant. He will be my life and no-one is going to take that away from me....and I will never ever leave him.

Thanks again for all your support, it's much appreciated

XX

 

[Sarah13]

You seem much more positive now, your def right to focus on enjoying your last 10 weeks and looking fwd to baby coming. That's good he said he will support you. Your right just speak with him when you need to so you stay number 1. Glad life is looking better for you, just make sure you keep your friends and family round you x

 

[stacey_lea86]

Sending you big hugs hun. I am glad you're feeling more positive! xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

So glad your feeling better, you are absolutely right! Enjoy your pregnancy and your gorgeous son! Im glad he has decided to say he will support u financially.. i would keep all emails etc regarding that matter incase u need proof of anything later on.. you never know when emails come in handy
Theres nothing wrong with being a single mum (makes us stronger!!) and my girls have been fine without their dad. Much better off without him my eldest has gone through so much and has issues coz of it, and my youngest has never been around him since she was 4 weeks old and she is the happiest little girl ever!
Its better to sort things out before hes born and has to feel the tension and stress your going through.. your doing so well!
We are here for you if u need a rant xx

 

[Piglet10]

omg ur better off without him!! and screw him for csa cos ull get a right whack of his £10000 a month earnings!! xxx

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

CSA has no power abroad.

You could however have a wee look at how much you would get in CSA if he earnt that much in Britain and use it to explain the amount you would like him to contribute each month. I think it is good he is contributing, perhaps one day he will grow up and want to be a father which is what would be best for the child.

best of luck xxx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Haha! I agree on the csa!! Think hes realised how much you could be entitled to and bricked it lol! make sure u get what you are meant to have off him not just what he thinks is suitable xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

CSA has no power abroad.

You could however have a wee look at how much you would get in CSA if he earnt that much in Britain and use it to explain the amount you would like him to contribute each month. I think it is good he is contributing, perhaps one day he will grow up and want to be a father which is what would be best for the child.

best of luck xxx

Its not always whats best for the child to have the biological father around.. Its not good when they are a father when it suits them as the poor kid gets picked up and put down as and when and it affects them badly not
just as children but as adults.
Its best they have stability and routine, if a strong single mother can do that then that is what is best for the child.

My personal experience jumping in here.. not meaning to offend anyone.

It takes more than sperm to be a father, they have to earn the right to be called 'dad'.