Partner not committing and the dreaded Mother in Law

[Gemmabeggs]

My partner and I met in Egypt as we were both diving instructors. After some time we felt it was right to start a family and both talked about it an really wanted to try. I fell straight away but unfortunately miscarried. After sone time we spoke an felt it was right to try again, I am now 17 weeks pregnant. My partner likes to come back to the UK from Egypt over the Xmas time so we returned in December and shared our happy news and had decided to return to Egypt in April for a little while before returning to have the baby in the UK and then return to Egypt not long after the birth. With the current situation in Egypt there looks like there will be a lack of work there this year and looks dangerous to be either while heavily pregnant or with a new born. My partner said we might have to stay in the UK this year while things in Egypt calm down - the only problem is when we are in the UK visiting we stay with his elderly parents in there house. His mum has already been very interfering in this pregnancy and even shouted and was very spiteful to me when I decided to give birth near my family as my partner had refused to be at the birth (that's already caused arguments). His mum is always asking me if I'm 'looking after that baby', she's also determined it's a boy as she says she wants him to look 'just like her son' which I feel is awful to say as I would like the baby to look a little like both of us. After spending a week away visiting my family last week (I just had to get out) I returned and after a lot of thought spoke to my partner and said that if we are staying in the UK this year then I want us to move out and rent our own place, I explained it was for several reasons, I feel like I will never get in a routine with a newborn while living with his parents, I want to do the little things like wash my babies clothes which his mum takes over now, I feel it will be the only way to ensure his parents have a good relationship with me and there grandchild and also andost worryingly, his mum feels breast feeding is disgusting, but I feel it's beautiful and natural and really would like to try to if I can, I told my partner that I will feel ashamed to do it in front of them and would then have to shut myself upstairs in our room whenever the baby was hungry. I explained all of this to him calmly and delicatly, but he just flat out said 'no', he said it's a waste of money when staying at his parents is free, he works full time and is well paid and his job is fairly secure and Im trying to get work at the moment as I obviously had to give up scuba diving. I feel so helpless and lost for what to do, I know he loves me and me him but he is yet o sacrifice anything for this baby, I'm not workin and needed my hair doing, he said to book an appointment and he would pay for it, the day before I was due to go he told me to cancel it as hencant afford it. Today he went for a haircut and even wnt an flaps to go on a sun bed. I almost have everything for the baby and I have got it all from my savings, he has not brought the baby anything - not even a hat!! Like I say, he loves me but he is just too tight, I have no money and am getting really down and he has a full time wage and a few tens o thousands saved in the bank. He just puts saving in front of me and this dear baby. Am I being unreasonable?? I feel like packing my bags and leaving and going back to my parents - if he won't commit now then he never will - I just feel so guilty that I'm not happy living with his parents and guilty at the thought of bringing our baby up as a single mum. I'm just sick of it always being 'his' an 'mine' nothing is never ours. He thinks that if he just tells his mum to back off when the babies born then that will be enough, but I want us to have our own home and own space. Please give your advice, am I being unreasonable??

 

[marley]

No I don't think your being unreasonable..

Relationships are all about compromise, as you well know! I think you have to make alist o what's bothering you and suggest ways which the situation can be changed (with your partner in it). It sounds like u have done this already.

I'd arrange a time and place to talk, away from his folks- and lay it out on the table! Emphasise the fact that we can change the situation to make it better.

Be calm and remember your a strong woman!!! You know what's right and what's wrong, let your intuition guide you. I hope he can meet you half way!

Perhaps the shock of you threatening to live my get him into action

Good luck xx

 

[snr1982]

No way are you being unreasonable it’s going to be your child not theirs - your mother in law sounds like my mother. I brought my first child up as a single mum but lived my parents. Biggest mistake I have ever made. They think they have the final say over her now (she is 12) and think they can do what they like with her without asking me. It is my own fault as I let them get away with it from the moment she was born. I was only 17. They even call her their daughter sometimes until i correct them. Even though I'm now in a long term relationship expecting my 2nd child (12 years later) they still think they can stick their nose in. Start as you mean to go on and my advice is get your own place if you’re not happy - there is no shame and you shouldn't feel guilty in being a single mum if he doesn't want to go with you. Do what makes you happy, it’s going to be hard having a child never mind having to cope with all them telling you what to do with your own child. It is tough work I don't deny that for a second but it will be worth it to know you have brought your child up the way you want and there is help out there from other people for you if you need it. Wish i had known that at the time - I would have done things so different. This time I'm doing it my way and there is NO WAY I'm letting them get away trying to take over, even over the littlest thing this time. As the saying goes If you give them an inch they will take a mile.

As for my situation now - I would live with my mother in law in a second, she is fantastic, my oh is so lucky to have a mum like her There is no way she would ever interfere with things.

 

[Cantstop]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, as you say, you've already given up a lot and made compromises, why should you effectively be made to feel uncomfortable in his parents house?! If it were me, there is absolutely NO WAY I'd be moving in with them - either get back to your parents or get a place with him - if he doesn't understand why it's totally unacceptable for you to pay for a place together then he's a bit of a moron!

 

[EmmBee123]

I couldn't live with the outlaws!

It seems as though your partner is thinking about the financial practicalities of not paying to rent somewhere, rather than the more important aspects like you bonding with baby.

 

[Alexandra84]

I don't think you're being unreasonable either. It sounds like a really uncomfortable situation to be in. They seem to be treating your wishes regarding your birth and baby with respect and that's not good. I'm surprised that your husband isn't sticking up for you (if my inlaws tried to say something to upset me and my OH found out there'd be hell to pay!). He should sort that out, and you may find that the relationship improves for everyone.

I disagree about finances being less important especially if you normally work inEgypt and the situation there being so uncertain. But,... it seems to me that he's not taking his role as a husband and future father as seriously as he should... If you both agreed that you have to stop working then you should have an honest discussion about how that arrangement is going to work. You can't be expected to come asking him for money every time you need something, it's not good for anybody's self esteem. My husband and I agreed that when I'm looking after the baby he will transfer some money into my personal account everymonth so that I don't have to ask him for money if I want something for myself.