Am i being unreasonable? (Sperm donation rant?)

[xSebbiesMumx]

I never thought my relationship could be as complicated as it is nowadays!..I suppose i might as well tell the whole story as im not sure who knows what and it'll give a better background picture..

Okay, so my fiance (26) has been friends with his two lesbian friends for years (even before he met me), about a year ago they really wanted a baby I had suffered my second chemical pregnancy and was feeling very sorry for myself, my spirits we're low so i decided to go back on the pill until I was ready to cope with trying again..So the lesbians then asked me if id mind if fiance helped them have a baby (it was an on the spot kinda' thing) and they had other friends around them, looking back at it now it feels like such a guilt trip as if id of said no id of been made out to be the bitch!..In my haste i agreed..(My own fault really i guess)

For months and months i resented them!, id make excuses when they had get together's to get out of going..OH didn't really click on to how I was feeling even though he guessed a few times id shrug it off!, i was such a rage bucket..Willing them not to get pregnant, but the 3rd round they did! ..We we're trying at the time with no such luck!..Then a month or so before they we're due to give birth I found out i was pregnant with my son..It was the only thing that kept me sane through the whole thing especially after id suffered 2 chemical pregnancies.

Fast forward a year or so, my OH then went to see them one night, got a free tattoo and had a drink with them..He came home and of course i was in a reasonably good mood thought nothing could destroy it, we went to bed and he turned to me and said..They want another baby!..My heart just sank, i wanted to grab my nearest pillow and cry and shout into it that it wasn't fair!, all i could say through gritted teeth is id think about it!, when really i just want to scream no at them!!

Recently friends of the lesbians have also asked for his help!, i feel like my OH is turning into the local bloody sperm bank whenever they feel like knocking kids out and im just not happy with it!, they we're prepared to offer me 1,000 quid for the sperm..But its safe to say i told them where to go!, The lesbians then called me crazy for rejecting that kind of money..No, not really..You do that when you care for someone enough not to want to share them with the world!..I read the whole conversation and my OH said im getting really bad with these kind of situations...Why doesn't he see this from my side?, see how much it hurt last time!!..Surely me wanting to curl up and be left alone should of given him clue enough?

At the moment Im terrified to sit everyone down and explain to them exactly how i feel and the fact that im not comfortable, Yes i allowed it the first time but this time its different..I appreciate they want full blood siblings but why not pick a guy who hasn't got a relationship or children to complicate?. Im just scared of terrorizing my OH and their friendship as their his only close friends as he's originally from Manchester so his other friends are miles away..

Me and OH we're planning to TTC again in June but all this has taken the shine off things knowing my kids are going to have siblings scattered all over the place! ..Sometimes I have good days where I get thinking about letting him help but setting certain conditions such as Me getting pregnant before them..And then on bad days I just feel like telling them all to piss off and find anonymous donors and leave us the hell alone but its just not in my nature to do that even if i do feel like doing that!..Im going to sound like a bitch or whatever here but his sperm is intended to make babies with me and me only..As possessive as that sounds..=(

So humour me...Am i being unreasonable?..Or do i bite my tongue and let all this pass me by?..Sorry about the essay i just needed to get it all out!

 

[Angela2612]

I don't know how you manage Hun if it was me I would of told them where to go
I agree with you he should be seeing your point I think he's being selfish for not taking your feelings into consideration.

So the answer to your question "are you being unreasonable" no your bloody not

 

[xSebbiesMumx]

Its actually nice that someone sees it from my point of view without accusing me of being selfish or whatever Thanks for the response

 

[Angela2612]

No problem Hun hope you manage to sort something out with OH

 

[MrsR]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. There are many anonymous sleep donors out there! These children are your sons half siblings, will he be told that? If you're all close friends and they have a girl and your son grows up not knowing she's his sister and they fall in love how's that going to work? I know that's a leap of the imagination but it could happen! Plus they could turn around and demand child maintenance at any time. Has the other woman in the couple adopted the child as her own? There's too many ifs and buts and variables here. It comes across as they're the selfish ones, not you!

 

[Happy84]

Youre not selfish at all, so please dont think that.
I think youve been a very brave, amazing person to allow your OH to do this even once, and they should realise that.
He's your partner and your childs father, this is your family and all decisions should be discussed between the both of you and only done if you're both totally happy with the decision, IMO.

I really feel for you chick and I hope you manage to sit your OH down and explain your worries and feelings to him. Good luck!!

 

[Little_angel]

I don't think you sound selfish at all. I think they were out of order putting you on the spot the first time. They should have asked him, or you both together with nobody else around and left you both to discuss it in your own good time.

I also don't think you should need to explain your decision to anyone other than your fiance. I would talk to him about how you feel and then it's up to him to say whatever he feels he needs to, in order to explain to his friends why he can't.

 

[Babybushie28]

I agree with the girls you are not being unreasonable hun. You oh has a family and I think it's inconsiderate of them to even ask and try and guilt you into saying yes. You should defo stick to your guns and say no and maybe explain to them in a letter that you are not comfortable with it??? Your oh is clearly just thinking about helping his friends and not realy seeing the long term consequences. I also I think the couple should have thought about their long term plans before they asked the first time, could they just keep on asking every few years for donations???

Sending you big hugs hun, it's such a complicated situation and I hope you get your oh to understand.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[xSebbiesMumx]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. There are many anonymous sleep donors out there! These children are your sons half siblings, will he be told that? If you're all close friends and they have a girl and your son grows up not knowing she's his sister and they fall in love how's that going to work? I know that's a leap of the imagination but it could happen! Plus they could turn around and demand child maintenance at any time. Has the other woman in the couple adopted the child as her own? There's too many ifs and buts and variables here. It comes across as they're the selfish ones, not you!

Thank you all so much . The girls girlfriend has adopted the child as her own as we had to go through the adoption process, it was really hard lying to Mother in law telling her that his son had gone into town to see friends instead of telling her the truth, it was the hardest thing ive ever done!

They (the adoption people) also asked me about my feelings on it, I was so tempted to say how it drove me mad for 9 months knowing that part of my fiance was growing inside her when he should be only impregnating me!..But i suppose ive grown accustomed to biting my tongue in these kind of situations!, My son will probably be told the truth when he's old enough to understand

 

[Mum2betash]

Absolutely not- you are very brave and I admire you for already doing it once and there's no way on this planet i'd let my oh do this and if he did I'd be gone. It would real my heart. No offence but it stinks that he doesn't understand how it makes you feel. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.. I'd tell them to ask a single bloke or adopt!! Xxx

 

[xSebbiesMumx]

Thanks you guys, it means a lot that people I dont even know can see it from my side and dont think me selfish for wanting them to bugger off and find someone who doesn't have a relationship to complicate!. I want to help them but at the same time i dont!, my poor brain is going around and around in circles and its driving me mad!

Its even gotten so bad now that Im thinking about not even wanting to TTC after June!, I want kids but i just dont want them to be born into such a complicated world where they have siblings all over the place :\..

 

[russellmuscle]

I would have cracked by now, your so brave!

I would deffo sit him down and just explain to him that he has done his bit and thats it. Yes you agreed once, and you know how it made you feel so make it clear you dont want to feel like that and explain for your boys sake aswell. Theres more than just his friends fam your OH has to think about, he has to make sure his own is okay with it first and if not, then thats tough - hes a dad and fiance.

Maybe its best to come from OH to his friends - but even if they do think your a bitch so what? Hes gave them a child and alot of lesbian couples search for ages for a donor so they should be grateful (not to sound blunt).

xxxxxxxxxx

 

[russellmuscle]

PS

I think the friends of the lesbians have a cheek asking, your fiance isnt a bloody stud pig or something LOL - no offence!

xxxxx

 

[xSebbiesMumx]

PS

I think the friends of the lesbians have a cheek asking, your fiance isnt a bloody stud pig or something LOL - no offence!

xxxxx

LOL, none taken..In fact that made me laugh pretty hard!..I may have to steal that line and use it on him if he gets out of hand!

 

[russellmuscle]

PS

I think the friends of the lesbians have a cheek asking, your fiance isnt a bloody stud pig or something LOL - no offence!

xxxxx

LOL, none taken..In fact that made me laugh pretty hard!..I may have to steal that line and use it on him if he gets out of hand!

No wonder! LOL before you know it youll have the whole lesbian/gay community after you. Youv done them a favour let that be the end of it!

Hope you get it sorted!

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[russellmuscle]

I also think the friends of OH should have thought it through about having siblings from the same dad also, you and your OH agreed to one child a second one wasnt mentioned the first time round I imagine? - who are they to just assume that theyd like theyr children to be the same dad! Especially when he has a fam of his own.

Sorry, Miss Opinionated over here LOL!

xxxxxx

 

[redbear]

I have a best friend and her and her gf mention everytime we see them that they want kids but sperm costs a fortune, but he will never give them his, even though he would have done it for strangers if there wasn't all this 'the kid can contact them at 18' he wouldnt do it for anyone we know. its too complicated seeing the kid around knowing its theres genetically. I dont think your selfish as a couple it should be a joint decision and although they want full blood kids why? does it really matter if the kids have different dads when they wont be brought up with a dad anyway? I would tell them no, sorry but where does it end you off felt they should be able to be parents but now they are its a different situation what if they want 3,4,5 plus kids in there lifes? Definatly talk to OH about all this firstly and how hard it is for you, basically you dont see why it should matter where the baby comes from as long as they get one, they can get a sperm doner somewhere else! xx

 

[rheannymac]

Hey hunni, I just read this and I agree with the other girls you're not being unreasonable at all!
You are such a brave, strong woman to have let it happen the once; certainly a lot stronger than me as I dont think I would've been able to give my blessing. Infact I know I wouldn't.
What strikes me is that his friends are only taking it from their point of view that they want another baby and that's that. When the man in question has a family it is SO different and there are so many other things to consider. I'd feel exactly the same in the sense of that it is only me OH should be getting pregnant.
I really hope OH realises how you feel and how it is a major thing for you too. I also hope these ladies realise this too. Big hugs to you toots xxx

 

[tabbi]

Take a deep breath and breathe, now calm down.
Your not been unreasonable here they are, there are thousands of couples out there that try and try for a baby but fail.
gay couple's struggle, I know this as I am going to be a suggorate for my OH twin so he can have his own child.
People struggle its simple, therefore they got there wish to have a baby.
They should just be thanking the earth you walk on that they have that baby. If they come around asking for a second I would personally say that they have had there share of children and that if they want more save money for sperm then, as they were willing spend a grand on it before why not now. Your partner is not a sperm bank, and anyone asking for his sperm I would turn around and bitch slap as fast as lighting...in effect they are calling him a male whore as if they are willing pay for sperm then its illegal.

You fight for your corner and we are all behind you 100% of the way. your a family you have a baby to think about and he needs realize that.

Give him a choice help his friends and lose his family as that is what it will do or not help his friends as he's done more than enough for them already and watch and be apart of your lives as thats what is important here YOU and YOUR SON. not them.

friends come and go even our oldest ones....were as your blood doesn't...he needs to realize the impact its having on all of you in every way and stress that looking back you wish he hadn't given them sperm before. But that he did and he's helped them isn't that enough?

If they knew back then they wanted more than one they should have said something as you would of been against it, as 1 is fair enough its the gift of life....but 2nd? who do they take you for a joker? Mug?

If they want kids with the same dad...tell them look online many families nowadays don't have kids with the same parents my daughter has a different dad to her brother, but knows no different in that matter and she won't....they need to step back and back fucking off pardon my language.

As for anyone else asking say to them 'Are you joking me...you do realize on a tec he's whoring around? and your wanting him to risk his family to help you? You've got to be kidding!!!'

go on to say if need be 'If you want a child that bad....sleep around (Bad advise i know) then you don't have to know the father.'


In full hun...stay strong....tell everyone NO don't bother even considering asking at point in there lives or anyone else for that matter. And tell your OH in depth whats going on, how it makes you feel. all of it and stress every point.

I hope they back off and realize what a wonderful thing you have already done for them and that there asking too much and should be forever in your debt.

Good luck hunni let us know how you get on x x x

 

[l_maclean]

First of all, I DON'T think you are being unreasonable. BUT I'll admit I don't think they are either.

They all ready have a child by your OH, and unfortunately there is no escaping that!! I can understand its difficult for you, and with hindsight, maybe wasn't the right thing - but I don't think they are totally out of line in wanting a full
Sibling for that child. The people who are telling you that blood comes first - need to remember that that's what te couple are fighting for - their child IS your OHs blood!!

Now I'm not saying its easy, but I think you and your OH really need to sit and discuss this, he needs to know that him
Having kids with another woman makes you uncomfy, it's not that you want him to cut them out of his life or anything. But you need to be honest!!

Other couples he doesn't have kids with are a totally different matter, your uncomfy with it so don't even start on that road. Unfortunately his friends have already started a process of having a family and I think there needs to be some discussion/compromise on how that is finished.

Xxx


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