waht do you do when...

[pammie]

What do you do when you and O/H have had a difficult time in the not so distant past and you have both tried to put it right and for a short few weeks everything felt great, but that luxury weekend away was just a plaster over the crack and the same old uncomfortable feelings have started to creeking in. I wanted to go to ireland over half term to see his family and he said no way hes to busy and no money yet this weekend he has gone to denmark to whatch football he went thursday and is coming back late tonight and to me that is a long time for a football match and hes going to ireland next week with out me and my son, so wheres the money coming from if he hasnt got any? A few of my friends have heard my little nigle and all have different opinions. I met one of my close friends last night, he is a bloke but we have always been really close and in the past nearly but never quite got it together. we were laughing and joking about it last night and a few things came to ahead such as a jealous friend who always managed to manipulate us and keep us apart, aparently there were times when he thought we might have got together but something always happened to stop it (usually the friend interfereing). Thing was i always thought the same that we would have been perfect together as we are ourselves around each other were comfortable and there was never any pretence about us i just never knew how he felt. We had a good talk last night. Nothing happened at all apart from out usual hug as we both have partners and i would do nothing to hurt my partner and i wouldnt want him to be in a position where he feels guilty. But it is playing on my mind I know my feelings are strong for this guy and always have been but I have always pushed it to the back of my mind. But what if am supposed to be with this guy and not my o/h and i dont take the chance will i regret it. Or what if i break it of with o/h and regret that.

am one confused chick
Pam xx

 

[Jo]

Oh sweetie i don't know what to advice as i have never been in you position
All i can say is follow your heart and if you are unhappy with your OH( which i would be if he was going all over with out me then pleading poverty)
maybe take a break away from him and see how you feel then
not much use sorry

 

[pammie]

Thanks for the reply Jo

I did suggest months ago to have a break but he wasnt interested. It like we have an argument then he stops arguing and ignores me then ten minutes lateer its like i havent said anything. It feels like hes treating me like a petulant child whos having a tantrum and waiting for it to be over.
THing is if we do have a break he has no where to go he doesnt have any friends in liverpool and as he works from home there is no work mates he can go to (hes orrigionally from Ireland so there is no family here also) And in the past when i have suggested i need space he will go to my son and say things like "you dont want me to leave do you" to which my son jumps all over him saying no your like a dad and i feel sooooo guilty. I do love him but am not happy with the way i get treated (although he thinks he treats me fine) He doesnt hit me or anything but he uses me.
Am not working now as am studying so i suggested all the bills come out of his bank account to which his reply is no i dont some want that responsability which i find odd as we are supposed to get married in june next year so surley he has to take responsability.

sorry to ramble again
Pam x

 

[Cat&Noah]

I think the important thing to do, is decide whether you want to be with your partner regardless of this other man. Its easy to be seduced by a possible new and exciting relationship, and the grass always seems greener. Dont be swayed by this, and also dont allow yourself to be manipulated into staying in your relationship cause he makes you feel bad.

You need to decide if you really feel happy staying with your partner and if you see you having a future together.

 

[Lyn_no3]

i agree with cat, i think that the grass is always greener but you shouldnt let thoughts like that come into the decision to leave your partner, if your really not happy and its not working then him having no where to stay isnt really something you should worry about and the fact he brings your child into the argument is a nasty emotional crowbar to use on a woman!

if he can afford to holiday where ever he likes then im sure he can afford to find himself somewhere to stay and also to pay some of those bills he's avoiding.

its not easy making decisions like this but think of what the long term effects of a bad relationship do to children and adults alike

good luck sorting it hun, i feel for you

 

[maggiejoe]

hi pammie

Doesyour O/H know you were seeing this other guy while he was away. just asking cos if i had been away with the girls and my O/H had been out with a girl i knew he liked or had liked then there would be hell to pay for.
I do agree with the others tho. If it was meant to happen with this other guy it would have back then, you have moved on and are getting married now, is this not just pre wedding nerves or something more serious?

 

[pammie]

Yes maggiejoe he does no was seeing myfriend.
Me and this guy are always chatting on the phone to each other and in the past we have even been on holiday together with a bunch of friends. As I said in my previous post nothing has happened with this guy ever. And will never happen unless we are both single, that was decided the other night hes a "what will be will be" type of person and am the type that believes in fate if were meant to be together we will. And your all right if we were going to be together it would have happened years ago, regardles of the interfering friend. And if were going to be together its not going to be at the expense of others. Pluss I have my son to consider and he is the most important thing in my life. I suppose am just in a blind panic about what is going on maybe it is pre wedding jitters or am not ready to settle down, or i cant see myself with someone who puts them selves and there needs before everything else we have a lot of things to iorn out before the big day. As for the other guy hes not even in the equation of weather me and my o/h stay together anymore i supose it was just a nice thought that someone could make me feel special without trying it on. he is my best friend and we wouldnt want to ruin that for anything as you have said the grass always looks greener on the other side.

Thanks again girls this is the second post in two months of me wondering weather we should be together surly am not meant to have this many doubts 8 months from the wedding?????
Thanks again for all your good advice
pam xx

 

[maggiejoe]

Sorry Pammie,

was just asking so could give you right advice as you said your feelings are very strong for this other guy. Was just wondering if it is a good idea to be organising a wedding if you have feelings for someone else. It could get very messy if you were to decide the other guy is the one as you walk down the isle. Don't take this as having a go at you just trying to help as everyone is. Sorry if it comes accross at a bit rude or intrusive its just the way i am.

 

[Tara & Liam]

Hi Hun

Sorry not spoken for a while.

I really thought that the bad times were over after your weekend away. My opinion is, regarding the money / bills. If you are a couple it doesnt matter where the money comes from to pay the bills, as you are a family unit. i mean, i pay the rent and bills, DH pays the food. we have seperate accounts but can always dip into each others money, if that makes sense.

Dont plan your present relationship around this other man. I think you know in your heart or hearts if you want to be with him or not. It's easier to walk away if youre not married!! If you do intend on splitting up then dont worry about where he is going to live. that is his problem not yours. I really dont agree with the whole, involving your son in your disagreements, that really isnt good.

At the end of the day Pammie, dont marry him thinking that things will improve, they can only do that if both of you want the same thing.

 

[pammie]

Hi every one

Maggiejoe I didnt see ur advice intrusive i saw itas very good advice. From all of you. I think things felt so bad with O/H that i was getting swayed easily by my best mate and his talk of were meant to be together. As you all have said the grasss just seems greener. The other guy is not even a facter really just a distraction i suppose. O/h came back from denmark and then went straight of to ireland for "business"
and is back home now. I have had it out with him (AGAIN) and we have agreed that we need to sort finances out and apparently he is not a mind reader (who would have knew) were just going to get a joint bank about and try and work the finances out with that.
THis is the first time either of us have properly lived with another person so i suppose it is just a lot of stress trying to iorn out the creases.
thanks for listening to me moan and rant. I sometimes need others perspectives to get a grip on reality.
THanks again am hoping this is the last hic cup
Pam xxx

 

[Pappadog]

Hi Pammie

I was in the same situation as you and it's so difficult. My husband was always away working and then at weekends he'd be at football or on his playstation. I had a great friend who shared a lot of the same interests as me and who had gone through a Divorce.

After some time I decided I really felt a lot for the other guy and I left my husband (although I was too cowardly to tell him there was someone else). Anyway the other guy is such a sweet, genuine and loving person who dotes on me, but now I'm so messed up about what I've done.

If I could change anything I would have had time by myself before making the decision!!!

I'm now in the situation where my Husband wants to try again and if I leave the other guy it will kill him - I really am going through hell right now so please do think long and hard.

Good luck

 

[pammie]

hi pappadog

Thankyou for sharing your storywith me. Me and o./h are still together we are still having our moments every now and again but nothing like it use to be. my friend who sounds like the guy you left your husband for (sweet loving genuine etc) but he is just a good friend who i have treasured for many years, since my friend and i have talked about our friendship he has got engaged to his girlfriend and moving forward just as i am, it is 15 weeks and 1 day till i get married, i still have my moments of thinking oh god this is for real and forever but everyone says that is normal.
I hope you sort things out for your self and do what is best for you, there is no point in being ith someone because you dont want to break there heart or just being with somone because they asked

 

[Redshoes]

I hope your choices find you in a very happy future pammie, good luck xX
Best Wishes

 

[happy-chick]

Hey Pam,

Please dont jump into anything.... This is a big decision and as you have said its one that you could come to regret.

Firstly take a look at your current relationship and see whether your are truely happy, follow your heart. If you do split with OH then take some time out to decide what you really want in life before you start a new relationship.

Hope you dont mind me asking this but if you did stay with OH and made a go of things would you be able to ignore the strong feelings you have for your friend? Could these feelings cause future problems with you and OH?

Good luck, I wish you lots of happiness whatever path you decide to take
xxxx

 

[pammie]

thank you for your recent replies
O/h and I had decided (new year new start) to put the past behind us and make a real go of the future i do 100% love him very much, we were just going through a bad time last year. things are back to the way they where berfore all the problems started.
My friend and I are still friends and always will be it was just a bad case of wondering what ifs (luckily we didnt take it further then just wondering).
i tried on my wedding dress on thursaday (just gone) and i know I am doing the right thing
Thanks again

 

[happy-chick]

Im sure you have made the right decision.

Good luck with the future I hope you are both very happy xxx