Relationship with my mum

Discussion in 'Pregnancy Chat' started by Positive37, May 28, 2013.

  1. Positive37

    Positive37 Well-Known Member

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    please dont judge me here as I love My mum to bits but.....
    my mums mum wasnt very maternal and didnt show mum much love, my mum has a heart of gold, is very generous but isnt a 'hands on affectionate mum'.

    she wouldnt just offer to come over and cook for me firstly she hates cooking. we went there yesterday and a simple quiche salad ended up me cooking it.

    if she comes over she gets all nervous doing anything in the house as she thinks she wont do it how i want it.

    she wouldnt offer to come over and hoover or clean my windows.

    i am very independant i think becuase of this, my dad passed away 5 years ago he did so much for me, i am much more like him

    mum said when baby arrives she will come over and look after baby while i do the chores, i said no mum, i need to be the mum and i will need help with stuff in house

    she lives 45 mins away by train, takes ages to get ready so if i had to call her in an emergency she wouldnt be here for hours.

    also since being pregnant, she said its taking her time to get used to seeing me pregnant, its like shes losing her little girl.. am 39 but she still thinks i am her little baby, its sweet yes but its irritating too.

    oh god am ranting and you probably think what nutcase i am

    just dont know what its going to be like when moo arrives, my mother in law is 10min away and think she will be much more help
    mum gets jealous though if she knows my MIL has been here and will be worse once baby arrives

    anyone else experiencing anything like this>?
     
  2. katyloumc

    katyloumc Well-Known Member

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    i feel a bit like this with my mam, I love her to bits but I feel like she could try harder with me and my brothers.

    She didnt get involved with my wedding last year, and when we went to look for a dress she hurried me along because she 'needed' to get back. I get jealous of my friends relationships with their mams.

    She lives a 15 minute drive away, she doesnt drive and there arent really any good bus routes. Got a feeling she'll be expecting me to go to her all of the time with the baby. She's been to my house twice in 9 years!!! once on my wedding day and the other when i first moved in.

    Her boyfriend has a lot to do with the way she acts I think and he's a knob to be honest. She has started to act a lot more involved lately and but still doesnt call just the odd text.

    It's really sad, my dad died when I was 11 and she must have found it extremely hard bringing up 4 kids, but i'm her only daughter and sometimes I wonder what made her turn out so uninterested (apart from influences from her boyfriend).

    She has said she would give up work to look after the baby but I dont know if I want that because they both smoke. Although I know my mam wouldnt smoke with the baby, I know her boyfriend wouldnt be bothered and would. GRRRRR! i really want her to be close to the baby but thats the only reason I dont want her to go there. Which is wrong!

    makes me upset when I think about it :(
     
  3. Positive37

    Positive37 Well-Known Member

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    Hi Hunny, sorry to hear your story too..... sounds like your mums partner is a big influence on her. as u say your her only daughter too. are you close to your MIL?

    my mum does try sometimes too much, she texts a lot to point i had to tell her that i am 39 and cant let her know what i am doing everyday, i had to reduce the contact a little, was suffocating, seems a bit opposite to what your mum is doing.
    realy hard to find a balance

    i dont blame you for not wanting your baby at the house. My MIL smokes and has a cat although shes more hands on than my mum that side of things worries me..

    my mum will come over IF i ask her. we live 15 min walk and she actually walked it the other day as i was poorly but she said it was hard walking up hill. she is 68 but shes never sick and is healthy but my dad spoilt her, he drove her everywhere and she kind of expects the same treatment

    i just want her to take charge and be mum but i feel its someting i have to learn to live with , as i love her and when shes gone will regret trying to change her xx
     
  4. Lynds77

    Lynds77 Well-Known Member

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    my Mum is a bit similar. She took the week off when I gave birth. But unfortunately for me she got a new boyfriend the week before that, so she would come over at 9am and let me go to bed for a few hours, then she would be gone by 12.

    my MIL on the other hand was here in the afternoons doing my washing, cleaning and even stayed a few nights to help with baby and help me express etc .

    now my Mum comes to visit once a fortnight maybe (she lives 15mins drive away) but I think she is on a timer from the boyfriend (who ALWAYS comes with her, I never get to see her alone anymore). He always says "time to go" after just 2 hours.

    Mum is great with Freya though, and she loves her to bits. She also has a little yappy mental dog so i could never let her have Freya overnight.
     
  5. Positive37

    Positive37 Well-Known Member

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    Freya is adorable OMG how cute is she..... my mum keeps saying how easy she found it all so when i say i might need help with stuff she says but i found it really easy. that us kids were realy good, but yesterday i snapped and said " i might not find it so easy"... just feels like she dont quite get me sometimes. shes on a different level am sure.

    am thankful that My MIL is around corner although she is pretty seflish at times she will be a great hands on help i know it... plus its her first grandchild so for her she will be well up for it

    maybe mum will be different than i think..
     
  6. Lynds77

    Lynds77 Well-Known Member

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    thanks!

    I think my Mum was a bit nervous of stepping on my toes? she never offered to do any housework, or cook any meals and take them over or anything like I thought she would

    her and Dad split up about 4 years ago cause she had another affair. We didnt speak for a year and the relationship between us was pretty much destroyed. We are still building it back up, so I think she thinks she doesnt have a right to do "mummy things" for me anymore? She said "I will be there for you if you ask". But to me, i shouldnt have to ask?

    Its just made me determined to tell Freya that I love her every day, no matter how old she is or how embarrassed it makes her!
    And if she is ever blessed with children I am going to be right there for her, day and night. x
     
  7. Positive37

    Positive37 Well-Known Member

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    your post just made me cry.... Freya is lucky girl and i feel same, i keep saying to my boyfriend I am not like mum
    i am affectionate and will give my little girl so much love, will also encourage her to live life to the full, my dad did this to me mum doesnt do it so much, she is a massive worrier and i have that part of her which i hate
    i too said that if moo has kids i want to be there for her hands on , i love cooking and am such a home maker. again the opposite to my mum.
    lovely chatting to you xx
     
  8. katyloumc

    katyloumc Well-Known Member

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    Ah so lovely, at least we know how much love and affection we're going to give our little one's from experience I suppose that's a good thing that come from it xx
     
  9. Karate Kid

    Karate Kid Well-Known Member

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    Big hug I know how tough it is.

    I have had a very turbulent relationship with my parents, I was adopted at birth but my parents hid that fact from me and I found out when I was 21 which completely shattered my world. To top it all off I was battling through an eating disorder and my parents turned a blind eye to it all.

    Sorry I waffled but I wanted you to know the history!

    During my pregnancy my mum was distant my in laws were seemingly more worried and hands on. My mum was upset that I didn't want her present at the birth.

    I went into labour effectively 20 days before my due date. 10 days of contractions and I went into labour and all I wanted was my hubby and my mum by my side I was exhausted. Mum was present during labour and was in as much awe and wonder as me.

    Since C came along mum has been my champion and an absolute God send, C adores her. Mum and I have got closer and I have managed to let a lot slide after realising how tough raising a child can be regardless of what circumstances that child comes into this world. We make choices as parents and I am sure that half of my choices have already been questionable.

    Sorry if I sound dismissive of your feelings because they are so valid. I just hope that you may have a positive experience sweetie. Xx


     
  10. tambo1976

    tambo1976 Well-Known Member

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    I have a terrible relationship with my Mom. She has never helped me with any of my kids in any way and I actually wouldn't want her to. I hate to say this but I don't really like her that much, I love her and care about her because obviously she is my Mom but I don't like her as a person. She irritates me so much, within minutes of speaking to her on the phone or visiting her she has my back up and it's been this way for as long as I can remember. We are just like chalk and cheese completely.

    I was 16 when I had my first and I remember her saying "you've made your bed and you'll lie in it" and I did lie in it. I never asked her for help because I was stubborn and wanted to prove her I could do it myself and I managed perfectly fine. I went on to have another at 19 and a third at 24 and have never asked for her help. In all their lives she has babysat once because I had an operation and genuinely had no-one else to ask.

    When I got pregnant last year I rang up my parents to tell them and my Mom burst out crying on the phone and just handed it my Dad, he reckons she was only upset because she loves me so much? hmmm, I find that quite odd and when I had my little boy 3 weeks ago she visited me and refused to have her photo taken with him because she reckons she looked a mess then spent virtually the whole whopping 2 hours she spent here telling me to "watch his head" over and over like I was some kind of moron.

    My OH's Mum lives up North so the chances of getting to know her are pretty slim which is a shame really because Scott will grow up barely knowing any grandparents. If I lived closer to her I would definitely try and have her a part of his life and we are actually considering moving up north to be closer to his family and children.

    I get extremely jealous really when I see my friends and family with their Moms, I would love to be close to mine, I would love us to get along and enjoy each others company but it's never going to happen and I can see us just becoming distant memories as we grow older. I barely phone her now, never answer my house phone when she calls and have seen her once this year, for 2 hours and last year I seen her twice even though she only lives a 45 minute drive away.

    Anyway! wow I waffled!!!! I would let your MIL be a huge part of little ones life, she lives close and if you think she will help you then all the better. I doubt your Mom will be jealous really as long as you are tactful when mentioning the MIL in front of your Mom. I think your little one will have a lovely relationship with his 2 Nans because they both actually seem to care alot about you and bubs to be. Lap it up and enjoy hun :D xxx
     
  11. LucyD

    LucyD Well-Known Member

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    This thread strikes such a cord with me. Had never been close with my mum but we always got on prior to my son arriving. He was her first grandchild and she was mega excited, however she is very selfish and its all about her. She never offered to help with household things, she just wanted to cuddle him. On a few occaisions I had to demand she handed him back when he was varying as she insisted she could settle him. I'm hindsight I should have been more direct with her back then but as a first time mum you don't want to come across as possessive or anything. After that there were numerous incidents, but the worst was when I saw a photo she had taken outside of my house, the pram was in the middle of the road & she was on the other side taking the photo. I flipped, I asked her why she had done that and she said it was so quiet and she wanted a shot of the pram outside the house. We fell out big style as she will never see anything wrong in what she did. It sickened me that she could put him at risk like that. So OK simply don't trust her anymore. She now comes to see my son but I never leave her on her own with him. This was not the only occaision she had made errors of judgement so I can't risk his safety no matter who she is. It wouldn't have been so bad if she could see it was stupid & apologise but she never will.

    Sorry for rambling just wanted you to see you are not alone. Everyone I know seems to have a fan relationship with their mum and I am so jealous. At times I can't stand my mum, terrible feeling but you can't choose family. I don't understand her at all. She always comes out with rude comments too that really add to my disliking of her. Such as 'I hope its not ginger, oh well, i suppose I would still love it' and when she came round soon after my son was born saying 'don't you own an iron?' Looking at my creased top! I was so annoyed! Anyway could go on forever but just make sure u stand up for yourself. I do NOW and feel s OK much better for it
     
  12. Rachel80

    Rachel80 Well-Known Member

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    I know I've posted about this before but im in a very similar position. My mum lives 5 hours away, I'm 22+4 with her first grandchild, I'm her only daughter. I normally go 5/6 weeks without speaking to her....& by speaking I mean a text or email usually instigated by me. I'm very lucky in that I am close to my mil, she is supportive, excited & full of advice. My mum says she's excited & says she thinks about me/worries about me every day but this is never enough for her to send a text or make a phone call! She is remarried & I don't think her new husband necessarily approves of the way she is towards her own children. She is always commenting on his kids Facebook or pictures, but made no comment at all about my 20 week scan picture!

    She left my dad 4 years ago & I think my brother & I remind her of her old life (which to this day I cannot fathom why she left my dad!). I just think this is the one time in my life when my mum should be there offering advice, support & help to me - but I've had nothing. I think I've spoken to her 2, maybe 3 times in the last 5 months. I saw her last July, but I know she's been to London since. My mil has bought my pram, my dad & brother are buying my bedroom furniture.....she hasn't offered to buy, help or contribute to anything & I know it's not about money, but as this will be her first grandchild you'd think she'd want to! She says she struggles for money, despite walking away with a £350k divorce settlement so this will be her excuse for not buying anything - I believe she is going to Australia for Christmas!


    I also suffer from a chronic illness and am going through a high risk pregnancy, but that hasn't brought her any closer. It's just so weird, it makes me angry but my brother & I are used to it, we just laugh about how crap she is now. I know I could never be like this with my kids, my dad is a stark contrast & I talk to him nearly every day. That's how it should be. My mum has met my partner twice, the first time she barely spoke to him or looked at him, & then said she was embarrassed?! We've been together two & a half years! I'm 32 years old, I have a successful career, a wonderful relationship, my own home, I'm financially stable so she probably thinks 'she's ok' but she has totally missed the point!


    So it seems there are several of us in the same position, but I think this will make us even better mums! X
     
  13. badtasteinmusi

    badtasteinmusi Well-Known Member

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    I don't want this to come across as bad or bitchy or anything like that as it really isn't meant to be. I just think everyone should try to make the best of their relationship wth their mums. My mum died last year and hubby's died about 6byears ago so bubba isn't going to have a granny and I just find it hard to go through this without her.
     
  14. Rachel80

    Rachel80 Well-Known Member

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    I am going through this without my mum & she is still here. It's so sad that you've lost your mum, especially if you were close to her beforehand but my mum has chosen not to be involved, & not through having a reason....just seemingly because she can't be bothered with her old life. That's quite hurtful x
     
  15. Mum2betash

    Mum2betash Well-Known Member

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    Hi, I won't waffle but I've never got on with my mum very well, I always try but she is just never interested. I love her to bits and always will do but sadly I don't think te feeling is mutual. I thought having a baby (now 7months) Would make a difference but no she still isn't interested :-( never contacts me to see how me, my baby or husband is, never comes around and they only live around the corner. I always text thrm and go to see them but its never the same back. I'm used to it now but I feel sorry for my little girl as she will grow up thinking her nanny doesn't love her. Good luck to you all with your mums, hope a baby changes how things are between you :) xxx
     
    #15 Mum2betash, May 29, 2013
    Last edited: May 29, 2013
  16. Plaztikman

    Plaztikman Well-Known Member

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    My girlfriends mother won't have the opportunity to see her grand daughter :( she's only 24 :(


    Sent from my iPhone 5 using Tapatalk 2
     
  17. sunnyland27

    sunnyland27 Well-Known Member

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    I'm still trying to conceive but I worry about how my mam will be when I have kids. She went mad when I got a puppy last year, at 27 with own house, car etc, because apparently it was too much responsibility!

    When I was young I knew she loved me and she looked after me perfectly despite having to deal with a controlling and abusive husband, but I can't remember her hugging me or being lovey-dovey and it's made me determined to be a very hands-on mother. I'm going to make sure I tell them they're beautiful every day, talk about embarrassing subjects openly (so they know they can come to me with anything) and spend all my time/money encouraging them to do whatever hobbies they want. I'm very independent though and I'd hate to be too full-on with my children when they're teens/adults. I hope they dont feel like i dont care if we go weeks without talking. My mam has only been to my house twice and wouldnt text me unless theres a practical reason, but that's the way I like it! I visit them a lot instead. I know she'll be thinking about me however long were apart and all of your mums will be thinking about you even if they don't call you much. After all, they carried you like you're carrying your babies now and felt all the same emotions, but they just show it in very different ways.
     
  18. BevG

    BevG Well-Known Member

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    my mum is a worrier, she wont come and just visit to hang out etc, she wont do chores or help around the house unless its a dire need and shes always worried about stepping on my toes. she literally lives 3 doors away too but i only see her mostly when i go and visit. despite this were really close, i understand her and tho i might wish she was more outgoing or butted in more its just not her, she babysits for me whenever i need it and if i ask she will do anything for me. i love her to bits and i know she feels the same as me shes just a worrier by nature. i dont take it personally when she goes and does my brothers dishes for him or visits him as shes just doing it cos she worries about him living alone lol. maybe it would help if you just accepted her as she is and try to see that she loves you in her own way and accept what help she can offer :)
     
  19. Positive37

    Positive37 Well-Known Member

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    Hi ladies thank u for all your posts. In a way i feel pretty lucky as i know how much she loves me.Bev my story feels very similar to your story.
    At min all i do is fight against how she is..she still sees me as her little girl and while it irritates me as i am 39 and very independant. I may feel this way about my baby girl whens shes here.
    I know mum doesnt know how to show affection and its not her fault her mum was same..i am going to start to show her more affection which in time may help.
    I think at times her worry irritates me be only because i know this is why i am a worrier and suffer with anxiety at times. I guess i blame her. I dont want this for my child but need to accept this is mum....
    She cant cook and same as u wont come over as she feels like shes stepping on my toes but i should respect that
    Shrs aleays spolit me in other ways mainly with money when i was younger it was great but now i dont take her money.
    We lost dad 5 years ago and its been hard ever since but u know what mum has just got on with it and for that i am proud of her.
     
  20. BevG

    BevG Well-Known Member

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    if she wants to give you money to help out then let her as long as its not going to come back against you. my mum buys thigns for us occasionally and recently gave us money for our wedding gift etc, she does a lot for us in her own way, we rent offf her as she bought a few houses over the years in our street, she dosent want us to move far away lol. im a bit nervous and anxious in some ways, cant phone strangers without being a bit panicky, dont like talking on the phone, dont understand how to really be close with other ppl im not sleeping with but ive accepted that this is me, im a nice person etc and thats her and shes a lovely person too and im at peace with it, it did used to bug me occasionally but there are worse ways to be and at least im loved. its much nicer and easier to not pick at the little things. mum always tried hard to be strong and brave and not pass her anxieties on to us so its not her fault, she did her best and i had alovely childhood with a mum who was always there for me and who i could talk about anything with, i can only hope to be as good a mum as shes been. i do make myself do the things that make me anxious so that i can get thru life, i want to be a strong person so i fake it lol and im gonna be as affectionate as i can to m girls. you will be a fab mum, try not to worry or stress over every little thing and then your child wont either :)
     

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