Relationship problem, am I being unreasonable ?.

[lillith112]

I wonder if I could get outside opinions on this problem please ladies. I have been with my fiance for 2 years, and ttc. It's a very difficult situation, he lives 260 miles away (6 hour drive) from me as full-time carer for his mum. This means we have massive gaps where we don't see each other, anything from 4 - 8 weeks. When he does come down he has to arrange private carers for his mum and I help pay half which is very expensive. I have been to visit his mum who is 82, she has very bad arthritis on both her knees and isn't very mobile, she was also recently diagnosed as anemic. She seems quite vacant to me too, only says a few words and cannot hold a conversation.
The problem I have is that I am really struggling with the massive gaps, I suffer with depression, anxiety and get insecure when he isn't here. I've mentioned social care as they would assess his mum and see if she could get carers for free. I gave him the number a year ago and mention it nearly every week, he rang them once but never rang back to arrange the assessment. I have threatened to end our relationship if it doesn't change and move forward. I have also asked him if we can shorten the gaps but something always seems to crop up and stops him coming here.
Am I being totally unreasonable and selfish ?, should I just try to accept that this is the way it will be for now ?. Then when I think about it I can't really expect him to leave his mum can I ?, but then again how long can I go on feeling like this ?.
I have said lots of times I will move up to him, he still wouldn't be living with us but it would mean we see each other more regularly, but we both said that this would be a massive upheaval for me, my kids are settled in school, my daughter is registered disabled so I would have to find specialists up there, I would have to give my house up and rent, leave friends and family. Everytime I mention moving up to him he says that he is adamant that he wants to move down here with me. He keeps promising that things will change and we will be together but nothing ever happens.
I honestly don't know what to do for the best, it's killing me being apart from him ��. He's my soulmate, we are so happy when we are together, I just don't know which road to take on this one. xx

 

[Blueclass]

Hi can I ask how did you meet when you live so far apart? My hubby used to live 2.5 hrs away but I used to stay there alot and after 6months moved in together so it was ok. 6hrs is a long way and I Imagine private care is a ridiculous amount. I would speak again about social care again. I also think it would be harder for you to move because you have kids and obviously with your daughter needing a specialist ect id say stay put. If he wants to see you as much as I hope he would he would get on with the social care. Id also be telling him to speak to his mother and tell her she needs to make more of an effort with you especially if your ttc.
Also I don't mean to sound rude but why do you want to have a baby when you only see him every 4-8weeks? I don't think that is good for a baby or you actually. Your going to be doing everything on your own and even if your used to that's it doesn't make it ok. I personally would want to be more settled before I got pregnant. Having a baby is only going to add more pressure to your relationship. You said that you have threatened to leave him but threats are nothing if you don't act know them. He will think oh she says this and does nothing so it's ok. I don't give a threat unless I'm willing to go through with it. Sometimes although it's hard you have to follow through to show you mean it. It might make him realise what he had/could have and change. Its not selfish of you to want to see him so don't feel like it is. Obviously he has his mother and he can't really leave her but he has a live to lead also... surely she wouldn't want him to miss out on a loving relationship because of her? I just think you need to sort this out before your pregnant, sorry if that's not what you want to hear. X

 

[lillith112]

We met through a friend of his who he used to work with who moved down here, got chatting online, phone calls then met up. We are both desperate to be together but he feels committed to his mum (very under her thumb) and wants it all done properly, he's told me he doesn't want to fall out with her or his brother. To be honest her and his brother both have total control over him. The brother lets it known that he disapproves of him coming here and getting carers in to look after his mum. He has told his mum countless times that he wants to move in with me, she just keeps telling him that she doesn't need carers as she will be up and about soon, but its over 18 months she's been saying this and she still cant hardly move, it's like she has some sort of hold on him and doesn't want to ever let him go. We both know time is ticking for me and at 44 we would love a last baby together. I guess I'm hoping that would be the kick up the ass he would need to be here. He does make the effort and do all the driving, I have only been up there once as have problems getting childcare. He has even driven down just for a few hours to try to bridge the gap. I just wish he would grow a pair of balls, tell his mum and family that he is moving out and sort out his own life with me . It's just so hard to actually get him to do it, it's almost as if he is too scared to upset his mum and brother xx

 

[Crazycatwoman]

Hey Hun, give him an ultimatum. It's not fair on you to carry on as you are xxxx

 

[Donna88]

If his brother is so involved with what he thinks your partner should be doing, where is he? Surely he should be doing some of the caring of his mother as well

 

[lillith112]

Hayley I have done that, I said if nothing changes by the end of January thats it.

Donna this is where it gets even more complicated, his brother is much older than him and has lung cancer, he still smokes though !. He does the food shopping daily so my Fiance won't ask him for any help especially to care for her as he doesn't want to put any extra pressure on him. I think the lung cancer has made his brother very irritable, from what my OH says he has nothing nice to say so my partner just takes the dog out to avoid him !. Also recently my OH has been doing favours for his brother, taking spit samples to the Drs for him and picking up spit pots. He's coughing up blood now, to add more to it the brothers 70yr old girlfriend is very ill with a neurological problem. It doesn't rain it pours hey !. xx

 

[Donna88]

Ahh I see, that does make it more complicated. Although your partner does need to think of himself some as well, he'll end up making himself ill if he does all the running around and stressing

 

[Blueclass]

I see it sounds complicated but I'd still put my foot down. He cant do everything. I hope things change for you if not you may need to say it's over to get him to realise. Don't lose hope a family member of mine is pregnant and she is 45. X

 

[lillith112]

Yes the situation is not an easy one, he feels trapped as he doesn't want to upset his family as his mum and brother are all he has. I feel badly for expecting him to sort fulltime carers for his mum as she will think I am trying to take him away from her. I know she wants to hold onto him and not let go which makes it all the more difficult for him to leave.

I will carry on mentioning the carers to him and in all fairness I should try to make more of an effort to go there for a weekend now and again. I either put up with it as it is if nothing changes or finish it, blimey what a carry on. Thankyou for your input girls, I'm still stuck in a catch 22 situation, I love him so much I couldn't bare ending it, he is the most loving, caring, heart of gold, loyal man I have ever met. Why does life have to be so difficult ?, all I want to do is be with my soulmate. xx

 

[Blueclass]

It would be so hard having a baby though if his only seeing the baby that often. Do you stay there when you go? I'd definitely want his family to make more of an effort x

 

[lillith112]

I've only been up there once and didn't stay over, I'm constantly being invited up there all the time but the 6hr drive is a long one as I have cfs. I'd have to sort a dog, cat sitter. To be honest I felt awkward around his mum, I don't think she is all there, I read anaemia can cause mental health issues and think that's why she is so vacant, she literally says a few words then stares into space. I really don't want to meet his brother, I know it sounds awful and I know he is not well but he doesn't sound nice at all.

I don't think I will ever get any support or effort from his family, I think I'm just seen as the one who is trying to take him away from them. I feel really sorry for him stuck in this situation. x

 

[Sparklegirl]

How old is he? If his brother likes to disapprove so much then why is he not looking after her while your SO comes to visit you?? Would you consider the idea of having his mother move into a care home or some such close to you so he does not have to leave her alone? Unless none of you want that of course but it might be an option so its less of a strain on the relationship and would make TTC easier.

I have been in a long distance relationship with 8 hours between us and it was incredibly difficult- made harder by the fact we would see each other every 3 or 4 months only and he did not make the effort he really should have. Thankfully we were not TTC and no babies are involved in that relationship!

 

[lillith112]

My OH is 48, his brother is 62, big gap. The brother is too ill to look after the mum as he has lung cancer and his partner is ill too, hence why my OH won't put any extra pressure on him. The brother pops a daily food shop around but its just a breif visit and only if he is feeling well enough. It's a completely ridiculous situation as my OH is stuck. I know for a fact that social care will not help as I have looked into it and she has way over the savings allowed for free carers, she would have to pay out of her own money and she's told my OH she isn't prepared to do that. I even suggested she comes to live with us but she won't move from that house so no chance of her going into a home. Maybe arsenic is the other option lol ! xx

 

[Syd43]

So I'm going to give a slightly different point of view here but please don't think I don't fully sympathise with your situation because I do. For the first 18 months of our relationships my oh and I lived a 12 hr flight apart, I was the one that had to do all the commuting and I've now had to move out there.

Whilst I agree that something needs to change I don't think it should just be a case of him moving down to you and leaving his Mum to the carers. Clearly the brother is too ill to do much (and sounds rather unpleasant) but think how you would feel if you were in your 80s, ill, unable to do anything for yourself and one of your children had a serious illness and the other one decided not to bother with you any more because you had become inconvenient? I realise you're not doing that, I'm exaggerating a bit to make the point. I don't believe in just abandoning our parents to social services when they become old and ill. Equally you can't be expected to give up your life together or carry on living like this, there needs to be a compromise.

I think the idea someone mentioned above of moving his mother to a care home close to you is an excellent one. She will probably resist that but she has to compromise too, her son needs to live his life. It will be difficult for her to move away from somewhere she has presumably lived for a long time, and at her age, but unless she has a strong network of friends that she sees regularly, which would be more tricky, I think it's probably the best solution. I honestly don't know what else to suggest.

I really hope you get everything worked out x

 

[Sparklegirl]

Oh so yeah basically its a no win situation I guess its not easy for him to visit when you are Ov either

 

[Tigeress]

Oh gosh hun I really really feel for you, it must be so hard on you both as well.

I'm honestly lost for words as its such a difficult decision. Uprooting yourself is something major but if it's something you would consider or do then I guess, that might be the way forward. But if he wants to come down that's also stopping you all from moving forward.. is there a particular reason why he wants to come to you?

Either way you can't go on feeling the way you are as it is unfair but I do understand his side like you to. If you both love each other which it sounds like you do, it'll come together in time. Just got to be patient.. which is so much easier said then done. Is moving him and his mum in with you, or near you an option? That way you can all do the care work together and help? Might be something to consider if it's an option. Other then that hun I am stuck!

Lots of hugs xxx

 

[lillith112]

Syd I completely agree with you, I don't expect him to leave his frail mum with carers, I feel awful to even mention it to him but every time I say I will move us all up to him he says that it will be too much upheaval for me and the kids, he says it will be easier for him to move to me. He also tells me there is nothing up there and the area isn't nice. Tigress, he says I have a lovely home and says where I live is much nicer. He has already mentioned to his mum about her coming down here and we can both look after her but she is stubborn as an ox and definitely has no intention of moving from her home, she has been there many years and it has many memories of her husband. She is very set in her ways and there is no compromise with her.

I guess I have exhausted all options except me moving up there or staying like it is with visits every 4-7 weeks. x

 

[Syd43]

Oh lord, I just don't know what else to say then. Financially would it be possible to get the private carers in more often so he can have more regular time with you, say a week up there then a week down with you? At least you would get some consistency.

 

[Sugarpop]

My OH is in the military and we only see each other primarily on weekends. It sucks.

I understand how hard it is and I don't think he should leave his mother necessarily. However, I do think every 4-7 weeks is ridiculous. Think about it in terms of per year. You see him only 12 or less times per year and it's extremely difficult to get to know a person and keep a good relationship going if you don't see them regularly. I was lucky in the fact that hubby and I lived together before he moved.

For me, the compromise here is the weekends. The first step for his mother to make a change would be for him to leave her more regularly. So every 2 / weekends he needs to come and see you or you go to him. The ultimatum is she pays for care on those weekends or not. But he needs to tell her he is visiting with you regardless. If she's really in need of the help she will pay for it. If he had moved away before her sickness she would have to do that anyway.

 

[Blueclass]

So I know i said it would be difficult for you to move but would you be able to move in with him where he lives? I just ow it would be a massive move for you but I can't see the mother paying to go in a home.