Relationship problem, am I being unreasonable ?.

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I didnt see these before I posted but I agree with sugar pop.
 
I think you should see if the carers can be paid for by government so you can have time together. I'm a senior carer and private is so expensive!! It amazed me when I found out how much they paid and how much I was getting paid, it was a big difference!! I would defo look into nhs, as it sounds like your all entitled to some help xxxxx
 
Syd I said to him I need more regular visits but he always seems to have some crisis that stops him. We said 2-3 week gaps so we shall see what happens from now on. He was already trying to stretch from 2 to 3, when he comes here it is anything from 2-5 weeks at a time, but I said shorter gaps and shorter visits is much better.

Sugarpop there is no way she will pay for any carers, she's tight as a ducks arse with her money. She actually rang me to thank me for paying half for the carers, it's so wrong, she even gets attendance allowance each week to pay carers but doesn't offer to help pay.

Tigress, unfortunately I doubt she will get any Government help as she has way over the amount of savings allowed for help, they would tell her she has to pay out of her own money and there is no way she would do that. The private carers cost us £13.80 an hour and she needs 2 half hour visits a day. xx
 
lillith112 said:
Syd I said to him I need more regular visits but he always seems to have some crisis that stops him. We said 2-3 week gaps so we shall see what happens from now on. He was already trying to stretch from 2 to 3, when he comes here it is anything from 2-5 weeks at a time, but I said shorter gaps and shorter visits is much better.

Sugarpop there is no way she will pay for any carers, she's tight as a ducks arse with her money. She actually rang me to thank me for paying half for the carers, it's so wrong, she even gets attendance allowance each week to pay carers but doesn't offer to help pay.

Tigress, unfortunately I doubt she will get any Government help as she has way over the amount of savings allowed for help, they would tell her she has to pay out of her own money and there is no way she would do that. The private carers cost us £13.80 an hour and she needs 2 half hour visits a day. xx
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Oh wow! Unbelievable! Our was 12 pound and at the time I was under 25 so was getting 6 pound something an hour. (Get more now as over but not at work). It's ridiculous. And is there any way your partner could chat to her and ask her to help? It is a bit cheeky she's not helping out. I have a full diploma in health care and if I was there I would help!! Xx
 
Bless you Tigress, I wish we could get help. My OH won't have the balls to ask her to pay towards the carers, she should offer though, I think its so wrong that we both have to pay carers just to be able to see each other but what can we do.xx
 
I reckon if he asked her, she might feel more obligated to pay, but it would have to be him. She's probably not paying because she's getting away with not paying. She sounds quite awkward! Other then dragging her down I can't think of much else hun. Lol. Xxx
 
He should absolutely ask her to pay, it's totally wrong that she's not paying if she has the money, he really has to put his foot down.
 
Lil I am sorry this sounds desperately hard. I feel sad for your OH's mom but she is codependent and has an unhealthy relationship with her grown son. Any mom who is seeing clearly would want her child to be happy and free and live his own life. Yes it's terribly difficult that she's so sick and that her older son is sick too, but your OH is grown and if a mom or family makes you feel "trapped" then that is not a healthy or supportive relationship whatsoever.

Is there any way for him to move in with you and find a care facility near where you live? And if his mom isn't willing to spend her money on care for herself so her son can lead a happy and fulfilling life then... what the hell is her money for???
 
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Oh just saw that she won't move. I am sorry. I wouldn't move there, it sounds like an awful place and then you will get sucked into their dysfunctional family dynamics. Not ok. Your kids need to take priority and it seems they're set where they are, right?

Why is he letting this woman dictate his life? I understand she's not well but she's forcing him to have an unhealthy lifestyle right along with her. That's unforgivable. If he wants to be in a mature adult relationship with you he's got to do the mature adult thing and explain to her that he cannot keep sacrificing his life to serve her. He can love his mother without being her slave.
 
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Blindfold her and tell her she's on her way to a holiday lol..

Have to agree with kholl hun, it's a very awkward situation. I wouldn't want my son to be living his life round me xx
 
The mother / son relationship is very dysfunctional, he doesn't get on well with her, they are not close and he hardly speaks to her, he said that in her eyes he can't do anything right, she puts him down for everything he does. I feel he is looking after his mum as he feels its his duty, whether he gets on with her or not it's still his mum. He is so lacking in confidence I can never see him standing up to her or sitting down to talk to her. The only thing he does say to her is that he wants to move in with me down here, to which she keeps replying, I'll be up and about soon', well that was 18 months she's been saying that, nothing has changed, she still isn't up and about, although when the physio is there apparently she is up and about everywhere. !. She is definitely holding onto him, she doesn't want him going anywhere. x
 
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lillith112 said:
The mother / son relationship is very dysfunctional, he doesn't get on well with her, they are not close and he hardly speaks to her, he said that in her eyes he can't do anything right, she puts him down for everything he does. I feel he is looking after his mum as he feels its his duty, whether he gets on with her or not it's still his mum. He is so lacking in confidence I can never see him standing up to her or sitting down to talk to her. The only thing he does say to her is that he wants to move in with me down here, to which she keeps replying, I'll be up and about soon', well that was 18 months she's been saying that, nothing has changed, she still isn't up and about, although when the physio is there apparently she is up and about everywhere. !. She is definitely holding onto him, she doesn't want him going anywhere. x
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That is really naughty! She shouldnt be doin that to him and his life!! Spec if she's up and about when physio is there! He might just have to bite the bullet and leave, keep in touch and keep on track of everything, behind the scenes if that makes sense. It's not fair that your all treading on eggshells with her. She's just going to keep milking it xx
 
Yeah that is sick. It's the classic "if nothing changes, nothing changes" scenario. His mom is benefiting from this so she has no motivation to change. The only option as I see it is for him to move out and FAR away from her. Or... choose her over you. It's pretty much that simple.
 
He has said to me he could just say sod it and up and leave but it would be him leaving on bad terms, he said he doesn't want to upset her or his brother so it's not an option. It's awful to say it but he is basically a wimp who won't stick up for himself, partly it's to do with his Ex, he was abused for years, mentally and it's destroyed his self worth and self confidence. Instead of sticking up for himself he would rather just go with the flow and gets walked all over. He has 2 children with her but she uses them as a weapon so he hardly sees them.

This is also awful to say but what the hell, I actually resent his mother, he has also told me a couple of times that he resents her too. xx
 
Basically ladies the truth is he will only move in with me after her funeral ! Lol, bloody awful to say it but it's so true. He has said to me as soon as she goes he will be straight down here. x
 
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If I was you guys I'd think "fuck it" and go anyway, I mean if the relationships are all turnished and bad, it can't get any worse hun xx
 
His mum is manipulating and controlling everything xx
 
Tigeress said:
If I was you guys I'd think "fuck it" and go anyway, I mean if the relationships are all turnished and bad, it can't get any worse hun xx
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I wish he had the balls to do it but he hasn't hun. She is completely controlling and so is the brother. Unfortunately he is still loyal to them regardless of how they treat him. I will just have to carry on as it is like this but with more frequent visits or I uproot us all to move up there. x
 
I think there your best option if he won't come down beforehand hun. What a nightmare! Xx
 
Tigeress said:
I think there your best option if he won't come down beforehand hun. What a nightmare! Xx
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Yes it's an absolute nightmare, I get so upset, frustrated and angry about it all, he just seems happy to leave it and carry on like this for years. The last couple of times I've mentioned it he just turns the conversation into a joke, gives me stupid answers and winds me up like he is just avoiding the whole conversation now. xx
 
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