Not feeling myself

[muppetmummy]

Ive had several attempts at writing this post but keep deleting it as I end up with a whining self pitying sounding essay which makes me sound like a drama queen. I can't even put how I feel into words very well any way cos I don't understand how I'm feeling.

Basically I had been feeling fine until week 11 when the breastfeeding came to an abrupt end and my period returned. Since then I've been feeling down more and more frequently. I can feel fine one minute and the next it feels like a fog has decended on me and I feel depressed and can't shake it off. When I'm feeling like this I can't face people. A couple weeks ago I went to my baby massage class feeling fine, then left without saying goodbye to anyone as my mood suddenly crashed and I had an overwhelming feeling of being disliked, left out and felt a huge desire to get away and hide away at home. It's not every day I feel depressed but it does seem to be happening more and more frequently.

I normall go to baby clinic every week but couldnt be bethered this week, I cant be bothered to send my wedding invites out, and feel generally flat and uninterested in stuff.

I had been losing weight but have started putting on weight again recently as I've started comfort eating, though I don't know what I'm trying to get comfort from.

I still feel fully bonded and loving towards the boys, though I have noticed myself being more snappy with James and OH recently. I think I'm coping ok in general with looking after them but some days I do feel overwhelmed when both Logan and James are wanting attention at the same time. Logan is feeding a lot at the moment (every 2 hours during the day and is taking ages over his bottle) and has been a bit unsettled so I don't think thats helping.
MIL and friends have offered to baby sit Logan but I dont want to leave him with them. In fact MIL has taken James away this week for a holiday and I've spent all day crying and feeling depressed cos I miss him. I dont know whats making me feel down and then feel more down for being down over nothing. Im sleeping fine, just having issues with my mood, moping, lack of motivation, and overeating. I love having Logan and he does lift my mood when he smiles or laughs.

Ive taken the edinburgh test online a few times and its come back ok, though my score has been creeping up over the weeks from 0 to about 10. Maybe this is related to my hormones from stopping breastfeeding or my period returning?

I think I'll mention it to the hv if I still feel like this next week, I think Ive been in denial a bit up to now

 

[Manda&Thomas]

awww hun
sorry i have no advice but do speak to your hv

xx

 

[1sttimemum]

I really hope something lifts your mood soon hunni.
You do sound alot like me & ive PND

 

[debecca]

I would have said so too 1sttimemum as I recognised what I was like in here - BUT if you're only scoring 10 on the Edinburgh test you're probably OK! I got 22

I felt so sorry to read this MM as you're such a happy upbeat person normally. I really hope things improve for you soon

 

[muppetmummy]

Thanks girls I'm not feeing as bad today but I still don't feel right. I took the Edinburgh test again and scored 12, though I think perhaps I feel worse than normal this week cos James isn't here. I feel sick a lot of the time and hungry, though I can't be. I also get a lot of dull background headaches.
I felt a bit panicky this morning when OH went to work cos I knew it would be just me and Logan all day. That's so stupid cos I know i know exactly what to do with him and I've been alone with him when James has been at school and it hasn't bothered me in the slightest.
I feel quite alone at the moment as my family live over 450 miles away and although I know people up here I can't say I have any best friends.
Saying that though I can't be arsed with people at the moment anyway. One of my best friends from school lives in Dundee now and has been asking about meeting up but I can't be bothered, and another old friend has sent me a message on face book but I can't be bothered to respond. I don't post on here as much as I used to either. I don't know whats wrong with me, everything feels like a huge effort atm. I've tried talking to OH but he doesn't know what to say. He does try and help with the housework though. I found it impossible to do anything around the house but the extreme basics in the early weeks due to breastfeeding so the house got into a right state. OH has been going around and sorting it out room by room on his days off but I still struggle to find the motivation to do the housework. I can't even be arsed to go on the wii fit when Logies asleep, normally Id look forward to it.
I have suffered from depression on and off before in my life but haven't felt this bad since I was a teenager.
There's a hv clinic tomorrow so I'll try to go to that if I can get out of the house in time (its 9am!). I need to see someone about Logie anyway as he seems to be having one bottle after another, 8oz at a time over the past few days!
I might go for a walk later today despite the rain. When James has been around over the holidays I tried to take him for long walks each day and it did seem to help keep my spirits up.
When I read back what Ive written I cant believe its me writing it, I cant help thinking that its in my head and cos Ive read about pnd my minds making up the symptoms if that makes sense?
I never had pnd with James though I did suffer from a type of temporary psychosis when he was in hospital after stopping breathing (I kept thinking that the hospital staff were trying to kill us both and that Id made him stop breathing!! but I realised this was madness and i my moments of lucidity would explain what I was thinking. I saw psychiatrists who put it down to shock, stress and severe sleep deprivation rather than anything more serious.) It went away when James was discharged from hospital though it took me many months to get over the shock of seeing him resusitated and being in scubu. I think having Logie has bought back some bad memories about that, which was without doubt the worst time of my life.
I'm going for a shower now before I embarrass myself any further

 

[muppetmummy]

Thinking about it, I think the sicky feeling and bad head is a nicotine craving. I've been fancying a cigarette recently despite having not smoked for years!

 

[drea b]

you sound just like me - I took the test at the weekend after spending most of it either in tears or snapping at OH. I scored 16 which I think is bordeline. Some days I feel absolutely fine other days I'm miserable and blame myself for everything

Hope your feeling a bit better soon - her have some

 

[laracomps]

I still don't feel myself either. I am over-emotional, panicky, over-eating.

I just put it down to still having hormones flying around, lack of sleep, quite demanding baby.

When I did the test with the HV I scored 9 (when Phoebe was 6 weeks), and she said I was on the verge of PND?! But she is a bit crap, so I have no idea if that is true or not.

I don't really know what to suggest, getting out helps me a lot. Though having said that I haven't been out nearly enough as I should have the past few weeks. Our place is also a bit of a tip because Phoebs takes up so much of my time and doesn't really sleep during the day. I am getting through it slowly and its helping.

For me, failing at breast feeding has a lot to do with it all I think. I feel a lot better about it now, but its always there nagging in the back of my mind.

You certainly aren't alone, and always around if you want to chat.

 

[Suzie and Faith]

Don't take the edinburgh test as definite. it sounds like PND to me, part of PND is not admitting to it or denying it - so maybe that's affecting your score on the test. Speak to your HV they will be able to help either way, really hope you feel better soon hun, lots of love xxxx

 

[Tillytots]

oh mm wish I lived near you, Id sort you out girl!!!!

you sound so down hun, deffo not your usual self. Only you can be the judge of how bad this is for you, remember though its ok to feel like you cant be assed from time to time. I know I cant be assed with people much Im happy doin my own thing with James and dont need anyone else really.

Deffo speak to your HV hun. I wanna see the happy bunny mm back real soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Sherlock]

Ummm for those ladies who are scoring on the Edinburgh test, I was told by my HV that anything over 12 was considered to be PND. The higher the score (up to 30) th worse the PND.

 

[Sherlock]

muppetmummy

I'm not sure quite what is going on but it could be a combination of things getting you down.

I'd link it to the stopping breastfeeding and for whatever reason its having an adverse effect on you. It could be your hormones have gone a bit screwy since stopping and your period starting again. It could be the loss of BF'ing and it not being something of your choosing, so you are having a slow delayed reaction to it all.

I don't have any answers. Talk to your HV. The more you talk about things the more likely you are to be able to put your finger on what is at the root of it all. It may be a combination of things that will take a bit of time to unravel.

Not that I want to bring your mood down anymore but maybe have a read of the support thread. Some of us are sharing our experiences over there and it might be that someone there is experiencing similar to you (but not for the same reasons). I know I feel a lot of the things you are feeling so can sympathise.

 

[muppetmummy]

Thanks Sherlock, I know you've been having a tough time recently too

I'm actually feeling fine this evening, in fact I feel on a high. It's really weird having these ups and downs of mood. I know it will just be a matter of time before I feel rubbish again. When I do feel good I feel more high than I normally would. Normally my mood is pretty constant, I get neither very excited nor very upset about things. I seem to be experiencing extremes atm though. I am thinking it might be my hormones re-ajustusting after the breastfeeding stopping. I've heard the prolactin levels can drop quite rapidly.

I will definately mention it to the hv when I see her. I feel stupid atm as I feel so happy and when I'm like this I think where the hell did all that moping come from.

 

[muppetmummy]

Rah! Ive scared myself now. I was googling pnd and came across stuff saying that extremes of mood can be a warning sign of puerperal psychosis which I was borderline to having, but thankfully never developed fully the first time around! I better get myself to a hv pronto tomorrow. I've never mentioned what happened the first time around to anyone up here (I've spent the last few years trying to forget it as it was a terrifying experience) and I thought that it was just because of the extreme pressure I was under at the time. Even at the time when I was telling people (the midwives and psychiatrists) how I was feeling I don't think they understood just how bad what I was feeling was. I had just witnessed my son stop breathing and a paramedic struggle to bring him back in the back of an ambulance so I guess it was expected that id be a bit strange. One minute I would be trying to explain what I was feeling, the next I was believing that there was a big conspiracy to keep me and James in hospital so no one would find out that he'd caught an infection in the hospital (this was rubbish, he had stopped breathing due to an infection, but no one knew what it was or what caused it, it was put down as just being one of those things.), and if anyone found out I knew about the conspiracy they wouldn't let us go home. I thought the midwives and my family were in on the conspiracy and hey were keeping things from me! I was so confused at the time and found it increasingly difficult to know what was real and what wasn't, where I was (thinking I was on a pychiatic ward when infact I was still on the transisional care ward on the maternity bit, only there so I could continue breastfeeding James who was in scubu next door.) I also lost all track of time, not knowing night from day and believing I had been there months, when it was in fact days.) I believed that the antibiotics they were giving me were sleeping pills and they were trying to sedate me to keep me quiet. At one point i was thinking about grabbing james and doing a runner with him so 'they' (meaning some government cover up organisation) couldn't get him. I only saw a psychiatrist cos I realised that I was becoming dilusional, though Im not sure they realised just how bad I was. If I hadnt mentioned it they wouldnt have noticed. These delustions were not permanent, they would last a few minutes at most and then Id come back to reality thinking what the hell happened there?! It did get hard figuring what was real sometimes though and Id have to think about it! It was like I kept flipping into a story that whilst it was happening O thought was real!I asked to see someone myself, and all they did was talk to me and ask if I was gonna harm myself that day, which I never considered. I just wanted James better and to get home and go back to normal. This lasted a few days till James was discharged from scubu and I could go back to living with my parents with him. Once home I still felt weird but not at all dillusional, more shocked by my experience. I never had to see a psychiatrist again, and the hv never mentioned it, apart from making me take the edinburgh test regularly. I think they were expecting me to develop pnd but I never did thankfully, Perhaps I should bring it up with my hv just incase its relevant to now. Ive felt fine reality wise this time, just a bit down sometimes, I might print this thread out and take it to the hv as Im not sure I could explain it all, its too weird!

 

[SarahH]

Hey hun,

Sorry just seen this. Firstly big hugs to you , I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Defo call your HV or dr in the morning and have a chat about how you are feeling.
Does your OH know you are feeling like this? I know you have said you have been a bit more snappy with him, but have you discussed it?

I am close by to you so if you ever want to have a good ol' moan over a coffee, PM and we can meet in town.

I hope you get on ok with the HV/Dr

 

[muppetmummy]

Thanks Sarah I have shown my OH this thread so he knows how I feel. I feel a lot better for typing that last bit out. I cried because I felt embarassed and sad about it, but I feel a weight has been lifted having talked about it.
I really don't feel at all like that now, but would rather people knew just in case I did start acting weird so they could stop me! At the time the psychiatrists thought that sleep deprivation and shock were a big contributing factor, and because I was aware that I was acting weird they weren't particularly worried by it. It was terrifying at the time though, I honestly thought I was heading down the path to being sectioned and James would be taken from me.
Hopefully this time too, because I am aware that I'm feeling down at times I can pull myself out of it before it consumes me.
Earlier on I felt just making an effort to put my make up on and get out of the house for a walk helped me to feel a bit better

I spoke to James on the phone earlier and he's having a great time with his gran, he went to Lego land today so is well happy

 

[muppetmummy]

This morning I woke up feeling fine so was thinking I don't need to speak to the HV, I must be blowing it out of proportion. But then I read back through this thread and realised that things aren't right. As the morning progressed, the fog, confusion and general crapness returned.
After struggling to get ready (I can't believe how hard leaving the house feels atm, it's like each part of getting ready feels like a struggle) I went to the baby clinic and spoke to the hv and explained how I've been feeling. She said that I sound like I have medium level pnd and probably need antidepressants. In fact she said the doctor who fitted my coil had told her that she was worried about me as I'd seem down (I was actually in tears the day I had my coil fitted as I'd had an argument with OH about nothing and flown off the handle!).
She said to make an appointment with that doctor as she was already aware that there was a problem.
I still feel like I'm making a fuss over nothing, and it's not that bad but I guess thats part of the problem. I think maybe I had pnd when James was a baby too, but was in denial then as well.
At least this can get sorted now. I am surprised at how fast my mental wellbeing seems to have deteriotated. It been happening very gradually I guess, but the actual realisation that it's there has come out of the blue over the last couple days. I was shocked when she suggested antidepressants, I never thought it was that bad!

 

[laracomps]

Aww MM have some hugs

I'm glad they are taking things seriously and hopefully you'll start to feel better soon.

 

[keli]

xx

 

[Happybunny]

Hi honey,

I have only just managed to catch up with all this. Poor you It really seems like you are having a tough time. I am so gad you managed to talk to your HV, it certainly does sound as though your are depressed. Have you decided what to do? Looking at threads from other people, it looks as though AD can really help.
I hope you are having a good day today. Please pm me if you ever want to chat (I have PND too and currently deciding what to do about it.)
Lots of love
M
xxx