Need some serious advice

[reallyworried]

Hi everyone,

I'm 6 weeks pregnant. I've been with the dad on and off for the last 7 years. We bought a house together last year but he's not yet moved in. Basically he has depression so we decided he would "transition" into living in our new place. Only thing is it hasn't happened. He was meant to be moving in last week. Again it hasn't happened. This week he guessed correctly that I was pregnant. I had been waiting till I was further all g to tell him because of previous MCs. The MCs were his too. I'm now very confused. When he heard I was pregnant he said something like "great my life is over". He proceeded to drink a fair bit that night, but he also put his arm round me and stroked my head and stuff so I thought I was just an initial shock reaction (he can be a bit of a drama queen). Anyway, it's now nearly a week later. He told me today that he doesn't want us to be a unit and that he doesn't want a baby so that we can be a family. This was in response to me saying what I wanted. He said that we had in fact broken up and that I didn't credit anything he said. I don't know what he means. We have talked about how things are a bit weird, but it's always been related back to his depression. Recently I have been saying that in spite of his depression he could still move in and things can progress. I suggested that we just got on and lived instead of talking about marriage and kids, so just see what came along. He knew I wasn't on birth control and that I could get pregnant. I'm so confused because I thought he wanted us to get pregnant. Now I don't know what to do. I feel maybe I've just made a whole lot up in my head. But at the same time I know I am a rational intelligent person. I will talk it through with him, but I am bricking myself that he will continue to say we are over. I know he has parent issues and is worried that he might not be a good dad, and he's still on anti-depressants. But maybe he really means it. So, what do I do? I have a good job and a house so I am capable (with a lot of hard work) of bringing a baby up by myself. But, should I bring a baby into the world when it's father doesn't want it? I'm in my late 30s so I feel that having this baby is one of my last chances. I seriously don't know what to do next. [edited as per forum rules] Plus being a single mum is likely to curtail my romantic options. I know I probably sound selfish but I am filled with so many emotions right now and just need to get them out. If any of you have any suggestions, advice, words of support, anything, I am all ears. Thank you so much. I hate that such a happy time is being made so bitter.

 

[snowbee]

Hi there,

Wow you are having a rough time at the moment. You sound intelligent and considerate in your post and you are doing the right thing to consider all of your options and the consequences that they could have. Do you have any friends or family you could speak with and confide in? I think talking you options through with someone open minded would be good, it may help you to make a decision.

Which do you think you would regret the most? I know you say you are still in love with him but you need to try and make a decision without that influencing it. Difficult I know. Does he receive help with his depression? He will probably benefit from discussing the potential implications of fatherhood with a medical professional. His current reaction may not turn out to be his actual feelings, it could just be the shock.

You can successfully raise a child in a single parent household so if you feel this may be your only chance to have a child don't let being a single parent put you off. But equally it would be perfectly possible for you to meet someone else who wants children and for things to work out with another person. Sorry I'm not much help.

What would I do in your situation? I think I would cut ties with this man, sounds harsh but I have been there and tried working things out with a man with similar problems and I can honestly say that him leaving me was the best thing he did for me, it enabled me to start again and be truly happy. However I was only in my late 20s at the time (and I wasn't pregnant), if it was in my late 30s would I keep the baby? I really don't know what I would do, thinking that I would have to stay in touch with him as the father makes me feel ill but at the time I was very much in love with him. I can see now that he would have been a totally useless father and cause a child potential hurt with his inconsistency and lies, I don't know your circumstances and your man so things could work out for you, he may not be as much of an idiot as my man of the time was.

Good luck with your decision.

 

[reallyworried]

Thanks snowbee. You have given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it.

 

[BevG]

if it was me id keep the baby, no contest really, in late 30s and having had mc's id be so scared that it might be my only chance to have a child that it wouldnt be up for discussion, he could either join i or go away and id carry on regardless. harsh way to look at it but any other way i can only see big regrets and lasting pain, men can be replaced and as much as you love them you would get over breaking up with him but would you ever get over giving up the chance to have this baby? if the answer is yes or you agree with anything ive said then i think you know what you want to do

 

[Anna456]

I'm with BevG, you can and will get over this man if you choose to not persue a relationship but I'm not so sure if you would a child.
I think give yourself a few days and time out from him and try as best you can to get your self clear about what it is you want to do about the baby then you can tell him. It sounds to me like he's in a bit of shock and denial about the whole thing and is fundamentaly scared achy becoming a father - I think with a bit of time he will come round to it and be excited.

It sounds really tough for you at the moment and I hope you have someone who can give you support at the moment. I really hope it all works out the way you want it to x

 

[reallyworried]

Thanks everyone. I posted a response yesterday it for some reason it hasn't come up. I'll be talking to him about things tomorrow. He is on medicine and seeing a doctor so I will suggest he talks things through with his doctor as well as with me. He's all over the place just generally so maybe he's just unable to cope with his emotions at the moment. I think I do want to keep the baby, but I also want the baby to have a dad so I want him to be signing up to that part at least. Will keep you updated.

Anyone else with any advice, please post.

 

[yuku]

Can you tell me his depression reason? I am a selfish girl always, if i were you , i will feel so angry about his reaction, maybe i will do some extreme things to let him regret for the rest of his lifetime. You are so considerate and rational and i wish that a wonderful guy will come to you soon. Forget about the man and his kid, he does not deserve your love. You should try yourself to lead a happier life than him in the future.

 

[H16]

My situation was a little different to yours - me and OH live together and suffered a miscarriage last year which took a long time for us to "get over" and it was only beginning of the year when we got back on track and were happy again and then I discovered I was pregnant again (unplanned). This sent my OH into a tailspin and one minute he was happy and the next he was saying I would have to do it on my own as he had barely sorted his head out. Anyway long story short he came round to the idea and is now very happy and excited, he was just terrified of losing another child and what it would do to us mentally and emotionally. So I would base your decision purely on what YOU want - there is no point basing it on him not wanting a child as he seems to have indicated that it is "over" anyway. Women have different considerations - we can only get pregnant for a short time period in our lives compared to how long a man can father a child. Personally after suffering a miscarriage I thought how could I do anything but bring up this child as it may never happen for me again.

I think just give him a few weeks to sort his head out and come to terms with things, he probably just feels overwhelmed at the moment due to his current mental state x

 

[Daisy2011]

I had depression it didnt make me an massively self absorbed selfish idiot though , dont think that just becuase he has a mental illness that he is absolved from behaving like a loving supportive partner and parent.

I'd walk away becuase you would only end up being a carer to two people if you stayed together becuase he wants you to chose between him and the baby. Only a rat does that.

good luck you can do by yourself and lots of children have step parents who love them dearly. Its not the end its the beginning.

x Daisy

 

[reallyworried]

Hi everyone. I really appreciate all your messages and comments. My mind has been all over the place over the last few days as I've been thinking about what my feelings are and what I want. I have also spoken more to my ex. In terms of our relationship, I believe that this is it and that it's well and truly over. Accepting that has changed how I feel about this pregnancy. It has made me realise that what I'm after is a family, not just a baby. I think that I could bring up a baby on my own, but with all the unwanted children in the world I do 't think it's fair to bring a baby into this world whose father does not want him/her 100%. I think my ex, if he was in good health, would be a good father. But he's not in good health and there's no guarantee of when he would be. We would also be broken up and we would therefore have to deal with visitations, etc. I think it can be done, but I have seen him get very angry in recent times and I know deep down that it would not be easy. In fact I'm certain it would be a long, hard slog that would obviously have an impact on the baby. Where does all this thinking leave me? Well, I definitely want a child, but I think that keeping this pregnancy and bringing this child into the world would probably not be a good thing for that child. In fact i'd be doing it for my own selfish reasons. It's obviously not an easy decision. Believe me when I say that I have and still am spending a lot of time considering this. I'm not totally sure what I'm going to do yet and, even when I have made my decision I'm not sure I'll be able to go through with it.

 

[yuku]

Why it is women that always get hurt in the emotional world? Wish you can pass through this period of hard time

 

[Franna75]

Hi,

It's very courageous of you to write everything down at such a difficult time. I would like to tell you a bit about my story, which is a success, but at the end of the day, only you can make the decision regarding relationship and baby as every situation is different.

I could have written almost exactly the same as you when I was six weeks pregnant. My child's father wasn't depressed, but he does have some kind of emotional neglect for want of better words. I'm not sure what his diagnosis would be but he certainly isn't like anyone I know.

To cut a long story short. He was supposed to be moving in to my house from his job abroad but as soon as he found out I was pregnant, even though we had been actively trying, he said he was going to break up. He tried all sorts of things to stop me from having the baby and once even admitted to being so mentally cruel in the hope that I would get so upset and miscarry. Even after we'd seen our gorgeous son on the scan, he admitted he'd hope there hadn't been a heartbeat. Devastating. He then at 18 weeks called a clinic, said I wasn't in the right mental state to have a child and started to give his credit card details over the phone infront of me and said we'd be there the next day. That was shortly after we'd had a scan and found out we were having a boy. I will add at this point that I was 35 and he was 41, both of us first time parents.

The weeks went on, of course I didn't go to the clinic, but I was almost swayed by the manipulation and the way he was treating me. I too thought, that if he could be like that to me, what would he be like to a child. I didn't want to bring my unborn son into such an unloved environment. He had not behaved like that in the four years we had known each other, it was only after I told him I was pregnant.

At four months pregnant he renewed his contract abroad for two years and said if I wanted to be together I'd have to move an eight hour flight away. Give up my career and be totally supported by him. He would leave it days before calling me and when he did he'd be drunk and very cold towards me. I was so upset, I used to sit on Skype to him wailing, begging with him to stop being like that and pleading with him to just be nice to me so we could be a happy family like I'd always wanted. I cried almost every day of my pregnancy.

I worked full time until two weeks before the birth when he decided to turn up as he wanted to give it a go and be there for the birth. I let him. I needed him and actually I don't regret it as he was very supportive, would you believe it. After 24 hours in pretty hardcore labour I gave birth to the most beautiful boy in the world, perfect; a hefty 8lbs 8.

Within six hours we were at home and I found myself cooking dinner for me and other half. The next morning I was cleaning the bathroom and he was stood watching me. Day three he had to go away for work for three days, day seven he came back shouted at me and left me for the evening and went God knows where. He came back the next day but it was reminiscent of how he'd treated me before. After two weeks he had to go back to work. We didn't see him again for six months. Two months after I'd given birth he had the opportunity to come home to see us for a fortnight, but his 23 year old mate was having an 80s roof party that he wanted to go to, so wouldn't be able to make it for a week. At said party he met a girl half his age and started dating her. As I'd given him the ultimatum that if he didn't come and see me and went to the party it was over.

Of course everything I have written is all of the negative points and there were actually some good times but they didn't make up for the sheer hell I put myself through. OK I was a beaatch to him on more than one occasion, I cried too much, I was weak and not the strong person he'd always known me to be, but hey that's hormones.

I feel I've probably stolen your post with my taleof woe and most people will have stopped reading, so I'm going to speed things up. When my son was six months, I asked if father wanted to try again. He said he would end his relationship and I said I would go an stay with him abroad. I later found out he didn't end it for a couple of months. Anyway, I went out to where he lived and decided to give up my career to be with him. He seemed to have improved his attitude towards me and the baby, still not what it had been like before I was pregnant. Two months later he lost his job, he blamed me.

Luckily, I still had mine and was on maternity so we got a rented flat together in the UK. He applied for his visa ( he's from USA). Even though he was sitting on a quarter of a million he said he wouldn't pay a penny, that I had to go back to work full time and he would do the childcare until he found a job, which could be up to six months. But I agreed. I was still breast feeding but managed to combine it and needless to say all the cooking and most of the housework!

Two weeks after I started back at work, I found naked pics of the girl he'd being seeing. We had an argument he said it was her whod sent them and nothing he could do about it, I forgave him. The week after that he threw me across the room unprovoked on a Sunday afternoon. That was last September. He left me five days later with no childcare, massive bills and a new job. However, the rage that I saw in him wasn't something I ever wanted my boy to witness again.

In April I got a promotion, it's hard work bringing a child up on your own, working full time and having to deal with a lot of serious emotions. But I've done it. My life couldn't be better and my son is gorgeous beyond words. I am so happy I stuck to my guns. If I were to do it all again I would have dumped him the day that he told me he didn't want to be with me, but at the time I loved him, I thought i needed him and I always believed that we would be a happy family and he would come good. He didn't, in this case it is true, leopards don't change their spots especially when they are that long in the tooth.

I wanted to share that with you and selfishly it's actually been quite therapeutic for me. For the whole 20 months that man was in my life, he made me believe it was me, some of it was, I was a nag, but what comes first the chicken or the egg?

It's still not over. At some point I will have to deal with the fall out from his treatment of my son, which I can imagine will be heartbreaking for both of us. Of course in hindsight I wouldn't have chosen him as a father, but those old rose tinted's got the better of me. He's seen his son twice and I've had to be nice to him. It's the only way I keep sane. I just pretend its not happening and act like and old pal. We don't speak of anything from the past.

OP please think carefully. My hormones were raging for two years and I couldn't think straight. They are especially strong in the first weeks of pregnancy. Take some time away from him. Your situation sounds so similar to mine and that is why I've rambled on for so long. Probably should have kept it a lot shorter, but I just wanted to let you and everyone else out there that is struggling through difficult times, decisions and or relationships that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I truly hope that you find a way to get through this. I hope he steps up. Men are so different to women and I know how devastating it can be when all you want is the happy family you'd always dreamed of and he's just thinking about his life being "over".

Take care.

 

[Mum2betash]

I've not been in your situation and I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. You most Definately can bring a baby up on your own and what a fantastic job of it you will do too. I have an 8 month old daughter who I love more than anything in this world. I had a termination when I was 17 and I tell you now if I'd of had my daughter first there would be no way in this planet I'd of done it because she is just so special. I certainly wouldn't do it now because it's a love so strong. I completely understand what you're saying abd think it's so sweet if you but I bet you could give this baby the best life in the world and show then your love more than you could if you stayed with your oh. Sorry, all I'm trying to say is please think really carefully before coming to a decision because you absolutely CAN give that beautiful baby the perfect life even on your own!! Xx

 

[Princess81]

I have locked this thread as per forum rules:
While Pregnancyforum.co.uk tries to remain pro-choice on most subjects, out of respect for majority of our members that are either trying to conceive, or pregnant, we ask that you do not discuss topics on abortion and terminations