Harpy
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Warning - My story in detail, very long.
I am writing this is the hope it might help me come to terms with what has happened.
I am 32 years old, and after years of waiting, my partner and I decided its now or never... I was lucky enough to fall pregnant the first time we tried, and we were so excited, and it felt wonderful.
We had done all the usual things, hunted around at everything baby... decided which spare room was going to be the nursery, maternity clothes, names, birth, and everything in between.
I did everything right, no smoking, drinking etc etc, I was taking folic acid and b vits, I was eating healthy, turned my coffee addiction into a decaff a few times a day... drinking lots of water, getting lots of rest. I was doing everything in my power to keep my little baby safe.
Everything was going good, too good. I had severe tiredness, and huge soar breasts, I felt sick but only when my stomach was empty, besides that I had no nasty morning sickness, I was keeping my food down, and thought how lucky I was.
I had an appointment with my doctor on the 7th of November when I was 9w 5d, and all was well, there was nothing to report besides joy and excitement. He made my first appointment with the midwife for the following friday 16th when I would have been 11 weeks pregnant.
On the morning of the doctors I had a funny turn in the bath, where I nearly passed out, and the following day I had some very light spotting/discharge, dark brown in colour, and only a few times a day when I wiped from a wee. I spoke with my mum, and looked in my pregnancy bible, trauled the internet, and decided that I should not worry, as this is completely normal on its own, and not to worry.
After almost a week of brown discharge, I decided enough was enough, and maybe I had an infection or something, so decided that I would make an appointment for Wednesday 13th Nov just to make sure we were both ok, as Friday (midwife appointment) seemed like an age away. I kept thinking everything will probably be fine, as I haven't done anything wrong, and I have no pain. I was 10w 5 days and so close to the 12 week mark of easing the worrying a little bit more, so I relaxed, and chilled out, but knew I would still go to the docs just incase I had a uti or something.
On the evening on the 12th of Novermber, the evening before I was going to go to the docs I was sat up on the sofa with my other half, just watching tv, when I noticed my hands were down cradling my groin/lower stomach. OH asked if I was ok, and I said in shock, no, I'm not. I hadn't even realised where my hands were, or why, but soon realised I had cramps.
At about midnight I went to the toilet for a wee, again worrying and not wanting to look, and this time I was right to be worried, I had filled the bowl with blood, I immediatley stood up in a panic screaming for my OH. He came in, and looked in the pan. I was crying, inside I knew exactly what was happening. He put his arms around me when I felt a strange sensation downstairs, and needed to sit back on the toilet, my OH was standing in front of me, and I passed what felt like a large blood clot come out, my jaw dropped, my eyes popping out of my head, screaming, knowing this must be my baby.
I was screaming and wailing, I asked my OH to get him out of the toilet, don't leave him in there on his own. I was screaming sat on the bathroom floor, whilst my OH was getting him out of the toilet. We were hysterical for some time.
About an hour later, after I had calmed myself down, my OH called the doctors emergancy number and explained what was happening. I spoke to a lovely female doctor who calmed me down, and spoke of her own experience of losing her baby at 20 weeks, and I told her that I wanted to look at my baby, but I couldn't bring myself to, and didn't know why. It was my baby, my baby, why couldn't I look at him, what was wrong with me?! I broke down again at what an already awful mother I was that my poor baby has died and I can't even look at him. I wanted to know how old he was when he died, I knew I could roughly work it out by his size and shape, as I had looked at soooo many pics of fetus' and different stages! but I couldn't bring myself to look at MY baby.
The doctor told us if we wanted, we could take the fetus to a doctor in a nearby health centre and they would be able to look at the fetus and tell us roughly how old the fetus is/was. The doctor on the phone told me that I only had one chance to look at the remains if I wanted, as once he is gone, he is gone forever, so I knew I must look at my baby, and wanted to, but with the reassurance of a doctor being by my side.
My OH took a photo of him, and thought it might be easier to look at a picture to begin with.. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't look. He described him to me, he said there were two kind of parts, a large head, a body, you could see his eyes, his little nose, his little mouth, and chin. I knew then, I must see him.
We headed off to the doctors, about a 30 minute drive away, we got there at about 2.40am. I sat down, and told the doctor, who seemed cold and totally put out by me bringing my baby in to her. I couldn't get my words out I was so distraught, I couldn't breath properly. I just wanted her to look at my baby and tell me how old roughly when he died. She looked at me with a screwed up face and said its impossible to tell, no point in looking. Its just one of those things, go home and rest. I said no, he is quite big, please, look at him and tell me how old you think the baby is, so I know roughly when he died. She would not look at him, she said that she would need a microscope?!?!?!!? He would be roughly 2 inches long at 10w 5 days!? please, but she would not. I and my other half were so shocked, and so angry we just stood up with our baby, and walked out. We had found a lovely little box, lined it with tissue, and found a lovely little bag to put him in.
We sat in the car in total shock. We didn't know what to do, or where to go. What are we going to do with our baby? What do people do? We just didn't know. We once again burst into tears.
We drove home in silence.
When we got in, we went straight upstairs, it was about 4am by now, I walked into our bedroom, and my OH didn't follow me, I asked wat he was doing, and he was stood in what was going to be the nursery with him, showing him his room. He asked me if this was normal, or are we insane, we didn't know, we were not prepared for this. We put him on the chest of draws at the end of the bed, along with a teddy bear of mine.
I couldn't sleep at all, I didn't even try, I didn't want to. I was bursting for a wee, but I didn't want to go, as the images in my head were too shocking, and I was scared to go again in case something else came out. My OH was having to come with me and hold my hand.
The next morning I felt numb and empty, zombie like I guess. As soon as I stood up there was a huge gush of blood, nothing else, just blood, lots of it. I then decided that drinking was out, as that would make me want a wee, and that would mean more blood, and another punch in the face as to what has happened. So I stayed in bed all day. At this point I had still not seen or looked at my baby, besides in the photo my OH took. Early afternoon I had no choice but to stand up and go for a wee, as soon as I stood up again I gushed with blood, and this time it wasn't stopping, I immedatley laid back down, and OH called the doctors, who told us to come in, as I rose to get myself sorted, I gushed again, and again, I was half way down the stairs and it was pouring out, running down my legs, I was horrified and felt so faint and queezy, it just wouldn't stop. OH called 999. I had lost a lot of blood, I wasn't drinking due to fear of going to the toilet. I was put on a drip and taken to a&e.
Arrived at a&e, bloods were taken, the nurse took my baby away and came back later saying that the doctors upstairs would look at him properly once I was ready to go up to gynecology. I was in agony, writhing around on the trolley, I asked to go to the loo, I had to empty my bladder, and in hospital felt safe doing so. My baby was out, so I have nothing to worry about, just go for a wee I kept saying to myself. The nurse brought in a commode, and it was suggested I took off my bloodied clothes and cleaned myself up as I would be going up to be 'looked at'.
I sat on the commode in fear, as I couldn't feel any wee, but just lots and lots of blood and clots coming out, I was in total shock, it was pouring out, I felt sharp tingling pains in my hands, and cramps in my thighs, this was not stopping, was this normal!? I said to the nurse, its still coming out, blood, its still pouring out now.. she said its fine, just relax. The blood then stopped, and I thought I must have filled it by now, and I haven't even had a wee yet, she said relax, and I then went for that wee! When I stood up the commode was full to the brim.
I was taken upstairs, and had an internal, the doctor told me that bleeding can be normal and baby might be ok???!!!!!?!?! If the cervix is closed baby might be fine!! We will do a scan and have a look!?!!? but my baby is in that bag, in a box. The doctor said no, that is not a baby, that is a blood clot?!?! What??? baby might be ok???? surely not. I knew deep inside my baby had gone, no matter what she said, but my OH was so excited that there was a chance he was still in there, and ok. I knew he had gone. The internal showed that my womb was slightly open, and there were large clots stuck in the neck of the womb, which she tried to remove. Painful, barbaric, horrifying. As soon as she confimed the cervix was open, we knew for sure that the miscarriage was inevitable. She said that its too late for a scan now, but wanted me to stay in over night as there was lots more to come out?!?! More I was thinking?" I have just filled a whole commode of blood and clots in a&e, which is where it hit me... my baby was in the commode. I felt lumps, large clots, but my baby was in that box, I saw his face, in the picture, he had eyes, ears, nose, and mouth, what on earth was going on!? I didn't understand. Was my baby still inside, was he in the commode, I haven't seen my baby!!!!!!
I am in bits, my other half is in bits, we have no idea what was happening.
I was taken to the ward and show to my room, confused, alone, and heart broken. The doctor said I may still pass my baby, and I still have a lot of clots to pass. I was mortified, but at this point, I was so confused, and bewildered I just wanted to be left alone to cry and grieve for my baby, whether he was still inside me or not, I knew he was no longer with us. I had been subjected to a very painful internal followed by that of a smear test with tools you would see in a horror film, I was distraught but felt that nothing could be worse than what I have already gone through, I just wanted to be left alone.
I still couldn't sleep, my OH had been home to get me some things, came back, then left me at about 10pm. This was the worst time. I was still scared to go to the loo, as now I really was scared that I will see something, so again, I wasn't drinking, so it would reduce the need to go to the loo. The nurses made me drink, and came to the loo with me, and held my hand, lumps were coming out, but no baby.
I woke in the middle of the night with awful awful pains, I am pretty good with pain, and said no to any pain releif, I said I was fine, in some way I wanted to feel whatever I was meant to, if this baby died because of something I did, then I wanted to feel the pain, I wanted to take the punishment. Soon the pain was too much and I was howling in agony, along with an imense queezyness. They called the doctor and I was given pain releif, and soon went off to sleep at about 5am.
I was woken up at about 9am and taken for a scan. The scan revealed there was no baby, which I knew, but was still very hard to hear. I was told there were more large clots which may need removing.
It was confirmed 100%, no more confusion, my baby died, and no other place than the commode in a&e, as everything else was looked at. Why did no one look at what I passed in a&E? I was mad at them for not looking, then realised it was my fault. I told them my baby was in the box, why wouldn't they beleive me?! Well, that blood clot still does to me look like a fetus, a baby in a sack, it has a face, eyes, nose, mouth, but it wasnt my baby, it was a blood clot!A very apt shaped blood clot, but a blood clot none the less.
Came home the following lunch time, my mum and OH came to pick me up, when we arrived home, there was a parcel from mothercare there, as I was bursting out of my bra and clothes at almost 3 months, I had put on quite a bit! So ordered a few bits.
We are now left feeling empty, and angry at ourselves, things could have been so different if I had looked at the clot properly, or if that nasty doctor who didn't look actually did look, and would have said no, its not a baby, its a blood clot, my baby may have still been alive?! If only I had looked myself at home and not been so scared.
All we have is a picture of the positive pregnancy test, showing 2-3 weeks conception indicator, my hospital wrist band, my midwife appointment card, and a screen shot of my 'what to expect' app from my iphone showing the details for the day I miscarried at 10w 5d. Its not enough, its like its an open book still, with no conclusion.
I have been through everything from forgetting to wash grapes on a few occasions, to my having had a cone biopsy, a coloscopy, etc etc due to bad smear results.
For us now, we don't know how people do this over and over, with the chance of it happening again, how do you find the strength? I want to try straight away, but I know I will fear every second of every day.
I am lucky in so many ways, I was 2 days short of 11 weeks, it was early, I have since read some stories in here which break my heart even more.
My heart goes out to everyone who has gone through this, and for anyone going through it xxx
I am writing this is the hope it might help me come to terms with what has happened.
I am 32 years old, and after years of waiting, my partner and I decided its now or never... I was lucky enough to fall pregnant the first time we tried, and we were so excited, and it felt wonderful.
We had done all the usual things, hunted around at everything baby... decided which spare room was going to be the nursery, maternity clothes, names, birth, and everything in between.
I did everything right, no smoking, drinking etc etc, I was taking folic acid and b vits, I was eating healthy, turned my coffee addiction into a decaff a few times a day... drinking lots of water, getting lots of rest. I was doing everything in my power to keep my little baby safe.
Everything was going good, too good. I had severe tiredness, and huge soar breasts, I felt sick but only when my stomach was empty, besides that I had no nasty morning sickness, I was keeping my food down, and thought how lucky I was.
I had an appointment with my doctor on the 7th of November when I was 9w 5d, and all was well, there was nothing to report besides joy and excitement. He made my first appointment with the midwife for the following friday 16th when I would have been 11 weeks pregnant.
On the morning of the doctors I had a funny turn in the bath, where I nearly passed out, and the following day I had some very light spotting/discharge, dark brown in colour, and only a few times a day when I wiped from a wee. I spoke with my mum, and looked in my pregnancy bible, trauled the internet, and decided that I should not worry, as this is completely normal on its own, and not to worry.
After almost a week of brown discharge, I decided enough was enough, and maybe I had an infection or something, so decided that I would make an appointment for Wednesday 13th Nov just to make sure we were both ok, as Friday (midwife appointment) seemed like an age away. I kept thinking everything will probably be fine, as I haven't done anything wrong, and I have no pain. I was 10w 5 days and so close to the 12 week mark of easing the worrying a little bit more, so I relaxed, and chilled out, but knew I would still go to the docs just incase I had a uti or something.
On the evening on the 12th of Novermber, the evening before I was going to go to the docs I was sat up on the sofa with my other half, just watching tv, when I noticed my hands were down cradling my groin/lower stomach. OH asked if I was ok, and I said in shock, no, I'm not. I hadn't even realised where my hands were, or why, but soon realised I had cramps.
At about midnight I went to the toilet for a wee, again worrying and not wanting to look, and this time I was right to be worried, I had filled the bowl with blood, I immediatley stood up in a panic screaming for my OH. He came in, and looked in the pan. I was crying, inside I knew exactly what was happening. He put his arms around me when I felt a strange sensation downstairs, and needed to sit back on the toilet, my OH was standing in front of me, and I passed what felt like a large blood clot come out, my jaw dropped, my eyes popping out of my head, screaming, knowing this must be my baby.
I was screaming and wailing, I asked my OH to get him out of the toilet, don't leave him in there on his own. I was screaming sat on the bathroom floor, whilst my OH was getting him out of the toilet. We were hysterical for some time.
About an hour later, after I had calmed myself down, my OH called the doctors emergancy number and explained what was happening. I spoke to a lovely female doctor who calmed me down, and spoke of her own experience of losing her baby at 20 weeks, and I told her that I wanted to look at my baby, but I couldn't bring myself to, and didn't know why. It was my baby, my baby, why couldn't I look at him, what was wrong with me?! I broke down again at what an already awful mother I was that my poor baby has died and I can't even look at him. I wanted to know how old he was when he died, I knew I could roughly work it out by his size and shape, as I had looked at soooo many pics of fetus' and different stages! but I couldn't bring myself to look at MY baby.
The doctor told us if we wanted, we could take the fetus to a doctor in a nearby health centre and they would be able to look at the fetus and tell us roughly how old the fetus is/was. The doctor on the phone told me that I only had one chance to look at the remains if I wanted, as once he is gone, he is gone forever, so I knew I must look at my baby, and wanted to, but with the reassurance of a doctor being by my side.
My OH took a photo of him, and thought it might be easier to look at a picture to begin with.. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't look. He described him to me, he said there were two kind of parts, a large head, a body, you could see his eyes, his little nose, his little mouth, and chin. I knew then, I must see him.
We headed off to the doctors, about a 30 minute drive away, we got there at about 2.40am. I sat down, and told the doctor, who seemed cold and totally put out by me bringing my baby in to her. I couldn't get my words out I was so distraught, I couldn't breath properly. I just wanted her to look at my baby and tell me how old roughly when he died. She looked at me with a screwed up face and said its impossible to tell, no point in looking. Its just one of those things, go home and rest. I said no, he is quite big, please, look at him and tell me how old you think the baby is, so I know roughly when he died. She would not look at him, she said that she would need a microscope?!?!?!!? He would be roughly 2 inches long at 10w 5 days!? please, but she would not. I and my other half were so shocked, and so angry we just stood up with our baby, and walked out. We had found a lovely little box, lined it with tissue, and found a lovely little bag to put him in.
We sat in the car in total shock. We didn't know what to do, or where to go. What are we going to do with our baby? What do people do? We just didn't know. We once again burst into tears.
We drove home in silence.
When we got in, we went straight upstairs, it was about 4am by now, I walked into our bedroom, and my OH didn't follow me, I asked wat he was doing, and he was stood in what was going to be the nursery with him, showing him his room. He asked me if this was normal, or are we insane, we didn't know, we were not prepared for this. We put him on the chest of draws at the end of the bed, along with a teddy bear of mine.
I couldn't sleep at all, I didn't even try, I didn't want to. I was bursting for a wee, but I didn't want to go, as the images in my head were too shocking, and I was scared to go again in case something else came out. My OH was having to come with me and hold my hand.
The next morning I felt numb and empty, zombie like I guess. As soon as I stood up there was a huge gush of blood, nothing else, just blood, lots of it. I then decided that drinking was out, as that would make me want a wee, and that would mean more blood, and another punch in the face as to what has happened. So I stayed in bed all day. At this point I had still not seen or looked at my baby, besides in the photo my OH took. Early afternoon I had no choice but to stand up and go for a wee, as soon as I stood up again I gushed with blood, and this time it wasn't stopping, I immedatley laid back down, and OH called the doctors, who told us to come in, as I rose to get myself sorted, I gushed again, and again, I was half way down the stairs and it was pouring out, running down my legs, I was horrified and felt so faint and queezy, it just wouldn't stop. OH called 999. I had lost a lot of blood, I wasn't drinking due to fear of going to the toilet. I was put on a drip and taken to a&e.
Arrived at a&e, bloods were taken, the nurse took my baby away and came back later saying that the doctors upstairs would look at him properly once I was ready to go up to gynecology. I was in agony, writhing around on the trolley, I asked to go to the loo, I had to empty my bladder, and in hospital felt safe doing so. My baby was out, so I have nothing to worry about, just go for a wee I kept saying to myself. The nurse brought in a commode, and it was suggested I took off my bloodied clothes and cleaned myself up as I would be going up to be 'looked at'.
I sat on the commode in fear, as I couldn't feel any wee, but just lots and lots of blood and clots coming out, I was in total shock, it was pouring out, I felt sharp tingling pains in my hands, and cramps in my thighs, this was not stopping, was this normal!? I said to the nurse, its still coming out, blood, its still pouring out now.. she said its fine, just relax. The blood then stopped, and I thought I must have filled it by now, and I haven't even had a wee yet, she said relax, and I then went for that wee! When I stood up the commode was full to the brim.
I was taken upstairs, and had an internal, the doctor told me that bleeding can be normal and baby might be ok???!!!!!?!?! If the cervix is closed baby might be fine!! We will do a scan and have a look!?!!? but my baby is in that bag, in a box. The doctor said no, that is not a baby, that is a blood clot?!?! What??? baby might be ok???? surely not. I knew deep inside my baby had gone, no matter what she said, but my OH was so excited that there was a chance he was still in there, and ok. I knew he had gone. The internal showed that my womb was slightly open, and there were large clots stuck in the neck of the womb, which she tried to remove. Painful, barbaric, horrifying. As soon as she confimed the cervix was open, we knew for sure that the miscarriage was inevitable. She said that its too late for a scan now, but wanted me to stay in over night as there was lots more to come out?!?! More I was thinking?" I have just filled a whole commode of blood and clots in a&e, which is where it hit me... my baby was in the commode. I felt lumps, large clots, but my baby was in that box, I saw his face, in the picture, he had eyes, ears, nose, and mouth, what on earth was going on!? I didn't understand. Was my baby still inside, was he in the commode, I haven't seen my baby!!!!!!
I am in bits, my other half is in bits, we have no idea what was happening.
I was taken to the ward and show to my room, confused, alone, and heart broken. The doctor said I may still pass my baby, and I still have a lot of clots to pass. I was mortified, but at this point, I was so confused, and bewildered I just wanted to be left alone to cry and grieve for my baby, whether he was still inside me or not, I knew he was no longer with us. I had been subjected to a very painful internal followed by that of a smear test with tools you would see in a horror film, I was distraught but felt that nothing could be worse than what I have already gone through, I just wanted to be left alone.
I still couldn't sleep, my OH had been home to get me some things, came back, then left me at about 10pm. This was the worst time. I was still scared to go to the loo, as now I really was scared that I will see something, so again, I wasn't drinking, so it would reduce the need to go to the loo. The nurses made me drink, and came to the loo with me, and held my hand, lumps were coming out, but no baby.
I woke in the middle of the night with awful awful pains, I am pretty good with pain, and said no to any pain releif, I said I was fine, in some way I wanted to feel whatever I was meant to, if this baby died because of something I did, then I wanted to feel the pain, I wanted to take the punishment. Soon the pain was too much and I was howling in agony, along with an imense queezyness. They called the doctor and I was given pain releif, and soon went off to sleep at about 5am.
I was woken up at about 9am and taken for a scan. The scan revealed there was no baby, which I knew, but was still very hard to hear. I was told there were more large clots which may need removing.
It was confirmed 100%, no more confusion, my baby died, and no other place than the commode in a&e, as everything else was looked at. Why did no one look at what I passed in a&E? I was mad at them for not looking, then realised it was my fault. I told them my baby was in the box, why wouldn't they beleive me?! Well, that blood clot still does to me look like a fetus, a baby in a sack, it has a face, eyes, nose, mouth, but it wasnt my baby, it was a blood clot!A very apt shaped blood clot, but a blood clot none the less.
Came home the following lunch time, my mum and OH came to pick me up, when we arrived home, there was a parcel from mothercare there, as I was bursting out of my bra and clothes at almost 3 months, I had put on quite a bit! So ordered a few bits.
We are now left feeling empty, and angry at ourselves, things could have been so different if I had looked at the clot properly, or if that nasty doctor who didn't look actually did look, and would have said no, its not a baby, its a blood clot, my baby may have still been alive?! If only I had looked myself at home and not been so scared.
All we have is a picture of the positive pregnancy test, showing 2-3 weeks conception indicator, my hospital wrist band, my midwife appointment card, and a screen shot of my 'what to expect' app from my iphone showing the details for the day I miscarried at 10w 5d. Its not enough, its like its an open book still, with no conclusion.
I have been through everything from forgetting to wash grapes on a few occasions, to my having had a cone biopsy, a coloscopy, etc etc due to bad smear results.
For us now, we don't know how people do this over and over, with the chance of it happening again, how do you find the strength? I want to try straight away, but I know I will fear every second of every day.
I am lucky in so many ways, I was 2 days short of 11 weeks, it was early, I have since read some stories in here which break my heart even more.
My heart goes out to everyone who has gone through this, and for anyone going through it xxx
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