My tiny baby died

[timtam78]

So sorry to hear this. I lost mine at 11 weeks too a couple of months ago although i had the operation and didnt go through it naturally. So sorry you had such a traumatic time I cant believe doctors let us go through this 3 times before they'll help. Its heartbreaking. Hugs

 

[Harpy]

Thank you so much everyone. I am still shocked as to just how common this is. I didn't realise just how many of us go through it.

It is lovely to hear that some of those that suffered a miscarriage, have now gone on to have healthy babies, I take so much comfort in that, so thank you.

For now, I am feeling a little better, but I am struggling with the if's, but's and maybe's. I can't stop wondering and questioning 'what if' the doctor looked at the 'fetus' and saw themselves it was just a rather apt shaped and shadowed clot, and therefore we went straight to a&e whilst my baby was still inside me, he may have still been alive, they may have been able to do something, and I may still be pregnant now. It might have been a weak cervix due to my bad smears etc, and they could have done something, what if I did go to the doctors when the brown spotting started, and they sent me for a scan, I might have seen the baby alive, and would at least have a picture of my baby, what if the scan had showed he had died, and I had the choice of natural or medical, what would I have chosen? would they have told me the truth about the pain and ghastly things they would do, and I would feel and see?
My babies body wouldn't have ended up in a commode and being thrown down a shoot with other peoples bodily fluids if only I had looked at the clot myself, just soo sooo many if buts and maybes I just can't stop thinking about.

The time isn't right for us to try again straight away, as this has been quite a traumatic time for myself physically, and for us both mentally and emotionally, so we will wait a while, but not too long, as at 32 we are not getting any younger sadly.

We have been together nearly 8 years, and have always been 'that' couple' who have been putting it off for years, and now feels like the right time. So fingers crossed we are brave enough to try again soon.

Thank you again xx

 

[timtam78]

Hun I know exactly how you feel with the ifs and buts. When i lost mine they told me that my babys heartbeat had stopped. It was measuring the right size for my stage at 11 weeks, so it must have happened so recent to me going for the scan. Because of that I could not get my head around it, i was sure the doctors could have made a mistake and I asked if i could go in for a second scan so i could see it for myself on the screen.

It is so natural to look at the what if's but please don't think that everything could have been fine if you had have done something different. Early miscarriages are mostly inevitable, there would have been nothing they could have done to stop it from happening so please don't torture yourself. I'm sorry that your experience of the actual mc was so traumatic, but please try and think of your baby's soul and not his body... his soul is not lost and it will be ready and waiting for the next tiny body to move into when the time is right for him (or her) to become your child.

 

[BunnyN]

Harpy- I found your story very moving. Thank you for sharing it, I'm sure it will bring comfort to other women going through loss themselves. How are you doing now?

 

[LYLLJellyTots]

Hi harpy, I don't have any words that will help but I wanted to send you my thoughts and my love xxxx

 

[Harpy]

Today is the first day I have actually felt like getting up and doing something! Up until now I have either been in bed, or curled up on the sofa in front of the fire. I have done nothing, no dog walking, no housework, no cooking.

Today I had no choice but to man up, as my OH went back to work today, so its the first day I have been on my own since it happened.

I made myself a 'to do' list! lol, and besides cooking dinner I am all done!

Small steps I guess for now, I am nowhere near ready to try again, but hope I am soon.

 

[5Element]

Today is the first day I have actually felt like getting up and doing something! Up until now I have either been in bed, or curled up on the sofa in front of the fire. I have done nothing, no dog walking, no housework, no cooking.

Today I had no choice but to man up, as my OH went back to work today, so its the first day I have been on my own since it happened.

I made myself a 'to do' list! lol, and besides cooking dinner I am all done!

Small steps I guess for now, I am nowhere near ready to try again, but hope I am soon.

That is the way I got back to my old self, just by taking one step after another and not thinking much further than my nose!! You will get there in the end I can promise you and treat yourself to something good, that always helps! Take care hun! XXXX

 

[kiwifrootkai]

So sorry you've had to experience this heartbreak. It's just so wrong.

MAssive hugs
xo

 

[BunnyN]

I hope things are getting easier gradually, although I'm sure you will never forget.

 

[Harpy]

Its been a few weeks now, and I am feeling bit better with it all. I still get upset and cry when I think about it, but day to day I am pretty much back to normal.

The one thing I hope I can stop soon, is my addiction to looking up pics of scans each day to see what my baby would look like all the time, to see peoples ticker sigs, and know that my baby would now be the size of a peach, etc etc.. I guess its normal, but it makes me cry everytime, so I hope I will get out of the habit pretty soon!

I 'think' I am finding comfort still coming on PF and looking around the different forums.

I am not ready to try again, and still scared stiff of having my next period, which I am waiting for. The sight of blood 'down there' again isn't going to be a nice experience I don't think!! but again, I am guessing all of this either normal, or I need to just get a grip and man up!

I keep reminding myself how lucky I am in that I became pregnant in the first place, and that I am lucky it happened so early.

 

[Lozzaste]

Hi Harpy.

I can relate to your post. When I lost the first baby, I did a similar thing and honestly it tore me apart to think of what I "should" be experiencing, by looking at scan pics, my pregnancy app etc. I then realised that I couldn't brood over that because it wasn't a case of "should" it was more a case of "never would" - and I don't mean that in a harsh way, I mean that, it was never meant to be - absolutely nothing could have changed the fact I had a miscarriage. So as hurtful as it was, when I lost the second baby at 11+5, I deleted the app and purposely don't look at things. This time I don't even really know how many weeks I would have been now. Not unless I really thought about it. I honestly do find that helps.
I know everyone is different but I thought I'd mention that, as honestly it has helped me so much this time.
I am pretty much ready to try again and have a determination I've never had before that we will succeed and I will carry a baby to term, and have a healthy baby.
Thinking of all in this same position. Miscarriage is awful, and so common and in a way it troubles me that it is so taboo and not talked about. It's a very very tough thing to deal with but it's not ever openly discussed. None of my friends are mothers and when I brought it up (they didn't really even ask me how I was) they couldn't shut me up quick enough, because it makes them uncomfortable and they don't realise how horrible it is. X

 

[Sproglett]

Totally agree with lozzaste, you need to get to a "place" where you are comfortable removing apps, not hunting down scan photos and chasing tickets, it is totally normal but will not do you any favours, it took me about 3 months to want to try again, I had a baileys and cigarette diet when I lost my first - I had obviously not smoked/drank in pregnancy. Only you will know when ur ready, my dh and I thought we were ready and 1/2 way through bd we stopped and he put on a condom.

I'm glad you're starting to get back to normal xx

 

[Harpy]

I thought I might be going a little bonkers with the 'should be' scenarios.. glad im not alone, but yes, I do need to stop doing it, totally agree.

I think its more of a habit now more than a desire to know if that makes sense.

I so grateful I found this forum and you lovely ladies, you don't know how much its helped xx

 

[BunnyN]

Don't be to hard on yourself. You will get to a place where you can stop doing those things but grieving is a process which everyone does differently and you need time to work through this stuff at your own pace. If you are able to 'man up' it might be good for you but forcing yourself to feel better faster than you are ready for might just make it worse in the long run so if you are not ready don't feel like you are not doing things like you should. As long as you are taking positive steps toward recovery you will get there.

 

[Sproglett]

I wish I'd found this forum when I lost my angels, but I'm glad I found it when I fell pregnant with my rainbow Jacob x x

 

[JoS]

I have just read this with tears streaming down my face, I am so sorry for your loss.
x x