Massively panicking, feel awful & can't cope! :-(

[ourlovebump]

I really hope that my post won't upset anyone as that is not my intention, but I am totally freaking out as I have just been too overwhelmed! I can't stop crying, I feel I am an awful person, but I so strongly feel a sudden change of hearts and depression, I cry all the time thinking I can't do this!!!!!! I can't take on this HUGE responsibility of being a mother. I boiled my eyes out to my OH this evening, and it created a massive argument between us, and he is now deeply upset with me! I told him how I felt and just asked him if he feels we do have 'options' and he reacted to this so strongly, I think it hurt him at the very core. I do feel awful, because I love him more than anything in this world, but I've always been terrified of having children, and also I've been prone to depression and battling it on and off pretty much since I was a teenager, and I think all these crazy hormones just made it come flooding back! All I know is that I can't sleep, rest, feel constantly the urge to run, I feel like I am having a nightmare....and it is so so sad, because it makes me such an awful person! I don't know what to do, because I know if I do choose not to go ahead (I am pro choice), I will most certainly lose my OH (he is very pro life and could never forgive me I know that!), but I also feel it would be unfair to my unborn child to go ahead if I am not sure! I know I will be judged by some, but has anybody ever found themselves in my situation? I mean the amount of guilt I feel is almost too much to bear, but I can't seem to cope with this massive overwhelm and change. I know I am awful for even typing this out, but I feel like one of those people that just wants to run from the altar...to avoid making a massive mistake. I do apologise for the honest post! Please help!

 

[K80]

You poor soul. Just try to stay calm and think rationally as you have just said this IS your hormones playing crazy-buggers. Do you have good relationship with anyone else who is more 'independant' you can talk to? I had a great nhs worker who helped me through depression. You can't make any decisions when you are in this panicky state. Take it slowly, go out a walk today and clear your head a bit. Good luck and big hugs xxxx

 

[Maria1977]

Deep breathes hun. Wanting a baby and becoming pregnant are woooooorlds apart. Both my first and this pregnancy were planned and the first time I thought OMG I can't do this, exactly like you are now. Didn't want to give up my lifestyle or anything and had this rage about me alot of the time, it would come and go. Turns out it's just hormones, in my case anyway, it's how my body is dealing with the rise in hormones. As the pregnancy progressed I LOVED my baby, but the fear of becoming a parent and not having my own life was still there. At each scan it went away, but then doubts and fears would come back. I think it's natural for anyone to worry, but as soon as I went into labour it was all about my baby. The moment I looked into his eyes he was what life was about and nothing before made sense. This is what I am now, a mother, and it's the best thing ever.

I am now pregnant again and having the same fears and some regrets that I had with Oscar. I'm terrified of what might be and what have I done and what is going to happen, how will I cope? But I know, i really know, that if my baby makes this journey safely and reaches my arms, it will all make sense and I know I will love my baby.

But you really do have to take each day as it comes, it's a long journey hun and it's not easy but the rewards... OMG the rewards are immense.

xxxxxxx

 

[lefthanded]

Contact your Doctor and see if he will refer you to someone to talk to. Its not just post natal depression there is pre-natal depression as well.
http://www.parenting.co.uk/health/prenatal-depression.cfm
see if you library has this book in today http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Blues-Understanding-Postpartum-Depression/dp/0971712433/disneyfamily-20
your not alone there are others in your situation.

 

[BabyBrain]

Hunny it's taken me 10 years to get to this stage and if I am honest the minute I got my bfp i absolutely cacked my pants. Where are we going to live? How are we going to have the money? My entire life has now stopped and it's not my own anymore. We can't go on the holidays we want. We can't go drinking. What if I'm a terrible mummy? What if OH leaves me could I do it on my own?
I felt so guilty, this has changed the entire balance of myself and totally burst my little world bubble. But now I just cannot wait to share life's experiences and adventures with my child . It's a big wide world out there and it's going to be so much fun as well as hard work.
Some of my friends have decided not to keep the babies they have fallen for and that's completely their choice. Everyone has to make their own decisions and no-one has the right to judge you. But I honestly think that you worrying about how well you will cope means you will be just fine, it's people who are oblivious to the hard work that tend to mess up the most.

Whatever you decide we will support you love. It's your life, your pregnancy and your decision xxxxxxxxxx

 

[ourlovebump]

Awww, BabyBrain, that's so amazing you feel that way!!!! I initially thought I felt that way, too, but like I mentioned above, I have had a massive 180 turn, and I have people disapproving this decision. My OH (understandable I know) thinks it is not what I truly want, but just the thought of carrying on fills me with so much dread and anxiety, that I cannot even rest. I had to call in sick today as I am such a mess! Contrary to what people think (you might regret a termination for the rest of your life) the thoughts swimming in my head are...oh God, if I go ahead with the pregnancy, I will regret it

Sadly, I and hubby disagree on this, which just makes things even harder for me. He did point out that it was me who said let's TCC, and that just makes me feel even worse, but as time goes on I started to feel like I am a ticking bomb, and I know that a decision has to be made sooner than later

I wish we could talk about it with OH, but I think he is not open for it at the moment. I also know he has different beliefs about a termination from me....and also I am aware that a lot of people get very sensitive about the subject, so feel a bit bad for even posting it here! I might look around for a more 'specific' forum for that as to not upset anyone xxx

 

[BellaRiven]

Hey
Like the others have said take a breath and try to calm yourself.

If you have battled depression before it will be your hormones that are making you feeel this way, please get yourself to the doctor.

I have battled Depression and Suicide in the past and it is the main thing that the midwife and doctor are concerned with me and they will be the same with you, but they know how to deal with it.
I have had OMG moments where I just don;t think I can cope and then I use some of the training I had with CBT and it helps.

Plus we are always here for you to have a OMG moment with and if you want to talk depression just PM me, I'm around everyday.

xx

 

[BabyBrain]

Hunny feel free to pm me any time xxxxxxxxx

 

[TORino]

I think we all go through the 'holy crap what have I done stage' at some point lovely. If it's eating you up inside and you think it might be related to depression you have experienced in the past please please go and see someone hun xx

Thinking of you x

 

[ourlovebump]

I think my biggest worry is, that when I was severely depressed & yes, at times suicidal, I really felt I couldn't even take care of myself properly, let alone a new life, so it is deeply engrained in me! Tbh I actually thought I will never have children (and was content with that idea) until recently I convinced hubby that we should TTC, as I thought I was ready...how wrong I was!

I'm so sorry to be going around in circles, but yes, I think the hormones did bring all this crap back (I have lost my dear brother & father within 4 years to each other, and that tragedy catapulted my depression. I was such a daddy's girl so when I lost my father I have never truly felt safe in the world afterwards) so now it is all playing on my mind, that it was a bad idea and that I am not 'qualified & capable' of taking on this HUGE responsibility!

My friend thinks I am over-dramatic, and hubby happens to agree, which does make me wonder if it is true deep down. I feel like I've opened Pandora's box....has anyone ever experienced these feelings?

Thank you for the amazingly supportive messages by the way , they are such a lifesaver right now!!!! And thank you for your patience, too! xxx

 

[BabyBrain]

You know yourself that depression isn't a one way street, it has twists and turns and roundabouts that people cannot understand unless they have had it or are trained to understand it.
Do you have a counsellor hunny? At my first appt with the midwife she asked me whether I had suffered depression so they are well aware of the effects of pregnancy on it. I think you need to talk to someone who is not connected emotionally to you, who will not get upset or react to what you say. If I were you I would speak to a GP and organise some counselling. Even if you decided to terminate this would not be done right away and you would have to have counselling anyway.
Keep your chin up babe and as I say pm me if you need to xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[BellaRiven]

I agree with BabyBrain, seek some help as soon as possible xx

 

[Maria1977]

Babybrain is right hun. At my first midwife appt with my son they asked if I'd had depression, which I do have a history of, and she said that I could be immediately referred any time I needed. Pregnancy hormones are a b*tch, we know that women are a slave to them anyway, but when you throw in depression and lifes curve balls on top of pregnancy hormones it's a whole new ball game. If you can, speak to a midwife sooner hun and I'm sure theywill be happy to talk to you xxxxx Really wish you all the best xxxxx

 

[ourlovebump]

Still in such a turmoil. I rang my GP today to see if I can talk to the therapist that was supporting me through my grief and depression years ago, but I spent the entire day boiling my eyes out I cannot believe I'm in such a dark place again. Classic signs of ante-natal depression.

The help and support offered to my thread has been overwhelming, thank you everyone so so much! I'm hanging in as best as I can right now! xxx

 

[BellaRiven]

Just hand in there until you can see someone honey, were here for you ((((HUGS))))

 

[ourlovebump]

Just to add more stress to the entire situation, my OH got angry with me this evening, and he said: If you go ahead with a termination, that is me out of the door! We've been together 8 &1/2 years, so that was the first time he ever said this, and I know he doesn't say things he doesn't mean All these years we have been sticking together through thick & thin, and he is the love of my life...but I can't stop crying and thinking I just can't do this....

When we had our chat I felt nothing, but guilt, as he was venting his frustration (with due reason) of how he is down on his luck professionally and is further and further away from what he wants to do with his life (making films) so that just made me cry so much thinking, if we go ahead with this baby, that all be yet another thing that will come between him and his career! But he doesn't see it that way, there is no way he would let me not have this baby, he was so clear on it! I just don't feel ready for our change this much...I know how much he wants to pursue his dream, and I feel like I am the one killing it

 

[beckyboo1]

Hey hun. I can't say I have any experience of depression but just wanted to send you soon hugs xxx

Like the others have said getting someone to talk to professionally is important to try and give you some clarity in your thoughts.

And it is so not your fault that your OH's career is not where he wants it to be.

Try and keep strong xxxx

 

[Hope81]

when i got my BFP (unplanned) i completely panicked, i was crying for several days thinking that my career is over, no more vacations with oh alone, so many things that we had planned to do in the future and we will not be able to do with an LO, even simple things like a night to the city, watch a movie to the cinema etc etc its hard and even impossible the first months, then later find a babysitter, worries etc etc. i was completely freaked out with the changes that my body will go through. i was feeling so awful, crying all day that i was even thinking that if a mc happened then its not a big deal i will have more time to do all those things that couldn't do with a baby.
And then the first ultrasound showed an empty womb and i ahd to go back in one week to see if the baby is hiding somewhere or its a miscarriage.
that was the worst week of my life. i knew that my baby is gone because i knew my dates were ok. i cried and cried and cried for hours and every night was crying myself to sleep. i realized that my career and the nights at the cinema with oh and romantic vacations just the 2 of us etc etc were just nth, everything vanished when i was loosing my child and the only thing i could think is that it was only because of how i was feeling, so much negative energy that never let that pregnancy to be successful.
then i had a d&c, the next day woke up a different person, even the guild i was feeling vanished and then i realized completely had happened. it was all about the hormones, i wasn't only sad and terrified about pregnancy like normal people, i was depressed, i couldn't think normal. the threaten mc was enough for me to sock me and let the logic lead the way rather than emotions, i deep inside wanted that baby i just couldn't see it at the moment.
i would never choose a termination anyway as even during those hard weeks i never forgot my desire for an LO.

don't choose a termination before you get help for depression. you will never forgive yourself if its only the hormones talking and thinking right now. you will wake the day after d&c and you will be a different person and believe me you will never forgive yourself.
get help, go through counseling and then decide and you must realize that you will have to live with your decision forever.

the other side of the coin is ofc if things don't get better, to choose a termination, get counseling and possible treatment and try again...sometimes physician will advice for a termination if the patient is for example having a very severe depression with suicidal thoughts etc. then your oh will have to understand that thats the best thing to do and you can try again after counseling and treatment.
good luck and just don't rush in sth that you will regret alter.

 

[kedi376]

Hey sweetie, I know this must be hard for your OH but saying things like that won't help you make the right decision for you. I too have had some very dark depression over the years and have managed to pull through. Some days it takes all my effort to get dressed and leave the house.

Like the others have said try and speak to someone outside of your family and friends, talk it over and find the right decision for YOU. Whatever you decide no one here will judge you.

We are all just worried about you right now, you've been through so much to get you to this point. Hang in there babe x

 

[Maria1977]

Hun, can you not see any positives in having a baby? I know it's a daunting prospect, becoming a parent, but it's the best job in the world. I agree with everyone here and that you really need to talk to somebody asap. There is never a 'right time' to have a baby but we do our best for them and it is what makes us get up everyday and want for a better life.