Massively panicking, feel awful & can't cope! :-(

[BabyBrain]

Sweetheart you need to stop thinking about your OH's career and concentrate on your mental welfare. People with an emotional attachment to you and the baby are not really going to help you with either your decision or your depression.
The first day I had counselling for stress I was in such a state I had to be sedated. But the relief of just exploding was amazing because it was not something I could do at home. Keep going to the counselling.
You need to tell your OH that you are trying to sort out your depression and he is not helping. You need his support to make a rational choice not him going off his head at you. Tell him you are less likely to do something on the spur of the moment if you can get this under control but you must have his support to get through it.

Keep posting hun, whenever you need to or if you feel it's getting too much. You know that here we are going to support you and just listen if you want us to. It;s not for anyone to judge you and we won't do here. You are doing everything right by venting rather than letting it build up any more xxxxxxxxxx

 

[hellywelly]

My OH and I had been TTCing for 7 months before I fell pregnant this summer. I was so happy but have also had several of those 'holy shit' moments as well. I won't even pretend that it is close to what you are feeling but I think hormones make even very sane people feel crazy sometimes!!

Today I sat next to a woman with a 10 month old baby on the aeroplane I was on. She was lovely and was smiling away at me and interacting and my typical response was 'cute baby'. Then right towards the end of the flight she fell asleep all curled up on her mum and from out of nowhere I started to cry these pathetic quiet tears because more than anything else in the world I can't wait for my baby to do that on me. Had you told me 5 months ago I would be doing that I'd have laughed you out of the room!!!

This week has been a tough one, and I think the advice to give yourself a bit more time and speak to someone about it is a good idea. I also agree you can't make yourself responsible for your OH (mine OH earns virtually nothing and I am worried about how we will cope financially, but we WILL) and he obviously already feels so much for your unborn baby. Make the right decision for YOU, but take your time to make that decision. Good luck. xxx

 

[ourlovebump]

I feel so guilty & scared! I keep relaying to myself the whole journey that led up to now, and I know I willingly went into this pregnancy as I love hubby so so much, and it just seemed like such a romantic thing to do! I am just terrified, of not being able to fall in love with my baby, or not being able to look after him/her properly, and because I have lost my brother & dad so young, I now also think about how would I ever overcome my hubby's loss god forbid, and look after this child on my own. I don't have family around me, so all of this is scaring the crap out of me! But today I actually wrote an email to my little bean inside me and I cried out for some help to be shown the 'path' that I am meant to walk, I have the biggest heart and I know and have been told, that I am incredibly caring and compassionate...yet here I am scared shitless of the job that is ahead! What if I fail? What if I will be neglecting my child or worse by some stupidity my child suffers harm of some sort just because I was not looking, and I will find myself in jail! Okay, I know these are like worst case scenarios that are highly unlikely driven by my fears....but all these crazy thoughts just debilitate me! They could well be normal (for someone who is highly anxious), I do have OCD tendencies where I am plagued by intrusive thoughts....and all of this just makes me so doubtful! I know I would hate the termination, and I'm terrified of going ahead with the pregnancy, too! I always knew that this decision (to have or not to have a baby) was always going to be hard for me, and also that if I had to do it again I'd probably still do it this way, even though I'm having massive doubts....I do tend to over think & over analyse everything! It is so draining!!!! I can't even type coherently, I am THAT tired and exhausted from all this!

As always, thank you for the amazing team support!!!! You've all given me valid and compassionate answers, and I am so grateful for you having taken your time to reply to me! Thank you!!!! xxxx

 

[BabyBrain]

I was talking to a friend of mine about pregnancy and stuff the other day. She's high up in the Spiritualist church and she said to me that they believe the spirit of my baby actually chose me to be it's mummy......I couldn't help but laugh to be honest because I can't quite honestly believe that someone would be that daft!
I can't cook, I'm not domesticated at all, I'd rather sit here and read a book or do my studying than put the washing machine on. I have a feeling that with the practical stuff I am so gonna suck at being a mummy but in other ways I have so much to give too.
We all have fears love, my OH lost his mum when he was 23 and he is absolutely petrified that something will happen to one of us too and our child will know his despair. But there's really nothing we can do about it if it happens. That's all in the future and we have no control over it.
Your life experiences will be invaluable to your child because they will make you so much more aware of the ups and downs in life. There are far worse people than you out there raising children believe me (my mum and dad have fostered for 35 years).
Let us know your thoughts as they come sweetheart xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[weefoggy]

Hi Love Bump

I am fairly new to the forum and haven't posted much however have followed your thread over the last couple of days and just wanted to offer some support.

I am 36 and expecting my first baby, my OH and I thought we couldn't have any as hadn't been using contraception for 3 years and nothing had happened, in fact we returned from holiday 8 weeks ago and had a conversation over dinner that we would be happy without children, little did I know over that dinner that this little one had been conceived on that very holiday! So you could say this has all come as a bit of a shock!

I have never been overly maternal, like baby brain I am not domesticated at all! Luckily I am in the enviable position of having an OH that loves housework, cooking etc.

I have surprised myself how excited I am about this pregnancy as I really didn't think I would be however I do have fears like you particularly what if I can't bond with the child or am not good enough at motherhood etc etc. I think these are pretty normal fears. Like you I have no family around which scares the bejeezes out of me!

The fact that you are worrying about all these things shows compassion and love and I have a feeling you would be a great mum, however you have to make the right decision for yourself. Although your OH is maybe not conveying his feelings in the right way at the minute you sound as though you have a solid relationship and should you decide to continue with the pregnancy I'm sure you will be able to share the load.

It sounds like you have a million thoughts running through your head at 100 miles an hour, why not get them all down on paper? - do a column for fears and one for positives and look at how many positives negate the fears.

Sorry I can't be of more help, I have rambled on a bit, but hope it may help to know there are other people who empathise and share your fears.

You have to make the right decision for yourself -
and only you can make it, however there is support here anytime should you need it
Good Luck xxx

 

[kirstyp991]

I thought i would share my experiance with you even though its slightly different, when i was younger i was a bit of a naughty child, always running away from home ect, i moved in with my partner at the times mum i was 14, when i was 15 i found out i was pregnant, i was very silly and always thought pregnancy wouldnt happen to me as i was so young, silly i know but at the time teenage pregnancies werent heard of much then (i will be 30 next month) i was so scared and was so sure i didnt want the baby, my OH really did and was so horrible to me, forcing me to have it, i booked myself in for a termination without him knowing, the day i went for the termination they scanned me and i was already 15 weeks, they said they couldnt do it there and i had to go to a different hospital and by the time they get me booked in there i would probably have to give birth to my baby as i was too far gone to have a operation, i was devistated, i knew i couldnt go through with that so there i was stuck with a baby i didnt want at the age of 15, as time went on i thought i would get excited about my growing bump and my feeling would change but they didnt, i really really despised my bump, at my 20 week scan i didnt even want to know what i was having, when i was 30 weeks i was diagnoised with pre eclampsia and taken into hospital as baby was small for dates, they kept me in and i had regular scans, when i was 32 weeks they decided to deliver baby by c-section so off i went to the operating room and my baby was delivered, put in a incubator and rushed straight to NICU, i went to see baby about 4 hours after once i had feeling back and they had baby all wired up and sorted out, the midwife wheeled the wheel chair next to the incubator and OMG i instantly fell in love, my gorgeous tiny baby girl was led there looking so tiny and beautiful, every feeling of not wanting her i had felt through my whole pregnancy just melted away, she was perfect. She was born 9 days after my 16th birthday weighing 2lb 10oz she will be 14 next month and im so glad i never got rid of her. I am now pregnant with my 4th baby. Its so hard to think straight when your feeling so down and only you can decide whats best for you but i really hope my story helps you xxxxx

 

[BellaRiven]

Just dropping in to make sure your ok Ourlovebump

I like you am still terrified of what may happen, and those feelings are increasing as we wait for our scan.

When I was going to cognitive behavioral therapy they said to me that when I start thinking a negative thought to write it down and then next to it write the positive of that thought i.e I really can't do this I will be a terrible mother.....Positive spin - I can do this, I am going to be the most amazing mum ever.

I know it's difficult to think of positives when your feeling so down and out but it really helped me, maybe you could try that

Anyway like I say just dropping in to see how your doing

 

[ourlovebump]

Aww, thanks all for the wonderful support, I'm worried out of my mind, as I still haven't been able to see a counsellor, am waiting to be called back just now!

I was hoping I'd get a call back on Friday, but nothing! Hubby has been completely closed off to conversation, he keeps saying I want to murder his child, so that really doesn't help!

I keep getting horrible nightmares where I am trying to run but my feet won't move, and I feel nothing, but dread all day every day! I am horrified I will run out of time

Tried talking to friends over the weekend, but I think deep down they do judge me, as they all just keep reminding me, that I wanted all this

I do know that, however, when I was severely depressed 'harming children' was my biggest fear (although I lnow I wouldn't), but this fear completely disable me and rules all my decisions!

I just cannot possibly take such a chance! That's why I am terrified if something happened to hubby I would never EVER be able to trust myself to bring up a child by myself...I would always fear that I was too unstable to look after them properly!

God, I really REALLY need to see a therapist/councellor about this, I am so so desperate!

Sadly, hubby is completely closed off to talk about these feelings with me, I'm in such a nightmare all on my own

I'm sorry for the moan! I just really don't know what I'm going to do! I'm terrified to my bones to keep this baby!

Its all fear, but the fear is so much more than what I can bear! Xxx

 

[ourlovebump]

Aww, thanks all for the wonderful support, I'm worried out of my mind, as I still haven't been able to see a counsellor, am waiting to be called back just now!

I was hoping I'd get a call back on Friday, but nothing! Hubby has been completely closed off to conversation, he keeps saying I want to murder his child, so that really doesn't help!

I keep getting horrible nightmares where I am trying to run but my feet won't move, and I feel nothing, but dread all day every day! I am horrified I will run out of time

Tried talking to friends over the weekend, but I think deep down they do judge me, as they all just keep reminding me, that I wanted all this

I do know that, however, when I was severely depressed 'harming children' was my biggest fear (although I lnow I wouldn't), but this fear completely disable me and rules all my decisions!

I just cannot possibly take such a chance! That's why I am terrified if something happened to hubby I would never EVER be able to trust myself to bring up a child by myself...I would always fear that I was too unstable to look after them properly!

God, I really REALLY need to see a therapist/councellor about this, I am so so desperate!

Sadly, hubby is completely closed off to talk about these feelings with me, I'm in such a nightmare all on my own

I'm sorry for the moan! I just really don't know what I'm going to do! I'm terrified to my bones to keep this baby!

Its all fear, but the fear is so much more than what I can bear! Xxx

 

[TiffanyJaynexo]

When I found out I was pregnant, I apologised to my OH and cried in his arms because I felt like I had let him down (we stopped TTC so that we could both go to college). I have always been afraid of having children and giving birth, at first I was scared but that totally disappeared for me throughout my pregnancy.

I think you need to just relax first of all, finding out you're pregnant is such a shock to the system, I didn't believe it.
I hope you feel better soon, you're not the only one who has felt like this, hormones and emotions are sky high in us pregnant women! xxx

 

[BabyBrain]

Hubby will be shut off hun if his feelings run that deeply. If you do decide to keep this baby you would receive all the support and help anyone could offer, both here and through counsellors and your gp. That's what they are there for.
It's very difficult but you need to try and stop thinking about if you lost hubby. You need to concentrate on the certainties that you have.....
1) you have over come the biggest hurdle by expressing your fears and depression and you are going to get the help you need
2) whether people judge you or not, they are still going to be there for you
3) in the past your relationship has been very strong and if you were struggling your hubby would do everything he could to help with the baby
The main thing to do in my opinion is to concentrate on the present, not the past or a future you have no way of knowing. You need to keep yourself healthy physically, keep occupied as much as you possibly can, even if it means dragging yourself into just going for a walk.

Please don't forget that you have done the hardest part, and that is recognising what is happening to you.

Love to you sweetheart xxxxxxxxxx

 

[So_hopeful81]

Completely aggree with Babybrain (again!)
You really do need to focus on the here and now. What has happened to you in the past makes you a stronger person than many of us are. You just have to start believing in yourself!!!!
What happens in the future is totally irrelevant right now. It doesnt make you who you are. Think of it this way - you worry about your life with baby if hubby wasn't there as a negative! But could it not also be a positive. You'd always have a little piece of him with you?

Its so hard, crap, and sometimes bloody shite being lumbered with all of these crazy hormones! But I truly believe that for someone who has put so much thought into how you don't want this child to have a crap life, you have undoubtedly proved yourself to be a fantastic mother!

I am a teacher, I have been in the classroom since I was 22 years old. (I'm now 30!) I already feel that you care for your child's wellbeing more than some of the 'parents' that have been through my classroom!!!!

Please give yourself credit where credit is due! Credit is due where you are concerned ... Trust me!

Xxxx

 

[BellaRiven]

I too find myself agreeing with BabyBrain again lol!!

Hope your holding strong, you can do this .... promise xx

 

[ourlovebump]

OMG! Hormones or not I am sitting here crying a river!!!!! I have been 'offline' for a couple of days as the whole depression got the best of me, but having just read all these wonderful, kind & supportive messages you girls left me it all just came pouring out! What an amazing group of women! Thank you, thank you THANK YOU!!!!

Little update, I have now pretty much resolved in myself that I cannot -at this point- carry on with this pregnancy, I think it would be unfair for this child to be born to a mother who is not crazy about having him/her, also me struggling with depression on and off for years I feel it would be an incredibly hard journey for me to overcome and I would hate nothing more than resenting a child for being born, even though they couldn't help it. But what an incredibly hard thing it is to do though! I will never forget the day I told hubby lets TTC, just to make sure I won't ever get this crazy idea into my head again! I loathe myself right now for having been so irresponsible and not having thought this through properly. Clearly I am not a good example of a 'mother'.

I'd like to thank every single one of you though for standing by me on this painful journey of mine. I know there will be a massive aftermath to deal with and 'divorce' is a real threat, but at the moment I do not feel strong enough to go deeper into this depression and carry the consequences of having a baby when I clearly wasn't ready. I feel heartless, selfish amongst other things, but I still feel this is the right decision for me.

And I only have myself to blame for all this! That's just something I will learn to live with eventually, like all the other thins in my life! Facing up to my relationship damage as a result will be even harder as usually hubby is my rock, but right now I am his enemy!

Thank you so so much for all the kind support!!! I might go 'offline' for a bit again, to try and deal with this situation as best as I can!

Massive hugs to you all!!!!! xxxxxx

 

[Maria1977]

I really hope you are making the right decision because it's what you actually want and not because you have fears that you 'might' not be a good parent, because wondering and actually being a parent are worlds apart.

I really hope you speak to a professional before you make any permanent decisions because from the track record you are talking about throughout this thread (wanting to ttc, then not wanting the baby!) I really worry that you will then regret it, but there is no going back from that and I think there will be serious guilt issues attached that will then further fuel your depression.

I really hope you find the help that it seems you need

 

[So_hopeful81]

I hope that you don't mind me saying, but I read your thread in the miscarriage and loss section. It seemed that when you thought you were going to mc this pregnancy, you really were sad.
If that's true, then at some point, you have been incredibly maternal about your LO.

I really hope that you feel happier shortly honey! We will all be here to support you whatever you choose to do, but I really hope that you are 100% sure about your choice!
Xxx

 

[furbaby]

I am going to be the most unpopular person on this thread and I have read most comments, and I don't mean any disrespect or harm and I certainly don't want to add to your depression, but I want to present another option.

Pregnancy sucks I mean it sucks donkey ass, I said to my oh the other day I feel guilty for wanting this baby but not wanting the pregnancy I just want to fast forward the next 7 months, because this 'pregnancy glow and overly exuberant existent I am meant to be living just ain't happening!

That said when the baby arrives, I don't believe that I will be the most important person in my child's life yes I hope I have a mother child bond, but I think so often is it overlooked that the father is just as important in every single respect- no he doesn't carry the child for 9 months and can't breast feed, but if he's a good kind and loving man he is going to raise that child and have as much input as the mother for the rest of his life, he will support and encourage, and be every bit as important- I think sometimes little emphasis is put on fathers and their role which is a shame

If like you've said the termination would most likely end in divorce, why not ask your husband if he would be prepared to raise the baby on his own - not in a nasty way but a frankly honest way- by the sounds of it in either situation your out of the picture. I understand that yes it's your body but it's not just your baby, yes you incubate it for 9 months but thats a relatively short amount of time for a child he could love for a life time, this baby is obviously wanted and if not by you or simply because of the situation, one of it's parents desperately wants it, so please consider that before terminating.

I am not suggesting anyone is down on fathers but they so often get overlooked and I am pleased now that society is starting to notice this- you have fathers dressing up as super heroes and protesting because they don't get to see their kids as much or if custody goes to a mother simply because she is the mother- to me a single mum can raise a child amazingly with all the love and support that child could ever need just as could a single father.

I understand the it's a womans body it's a womans choice argument but I can't always agree with it simply because as I said 9 months is only 9 months a child is a little person who is always wanted by someone- you simply have to look at forums to find heart broken couples who desperately want children and can't have them and look towards adoption. Your child is wanted, please consider that

Whatever you decide it is your decision at the end of the day and I won't say any more on the subject, I just wanted to produce another line of thought and please don't get me wrong I won't judge or anything like that I just wanted you to seriously consider the other choices to termination.

SOrry it's obvious I am not a fan of termination so my points of view are biased, I really hope you get some peace soon xxxxxxx

 

[BellaRiven]

We will all be here to support you either way, but all I would say before you do it please get that help and talk to somebody, even if it is only your doctor.

 

[furbaby]

We will all be here to support you either way, but all I would say before you do it please get that help and talk to somebody, even if it is only your doctor.

I certainly agree don't make this design without speaking to a professional someone unbiased xxxx

 

[BabyBrain]

We will all be here to support you either way, but all I would say before you do it please get that help and talk to somebody, even if it is only your doctor.

I certainly agree don't make this design without speaking to a professional someone unbiased xxxx

No matter what the situation no termination is considered until counselling with someone specifically trained for this is had xxxxxxxxxx