Just found out ...

[welshgal22]

Hi everyone. I'm pretty new here and I thought I would ask advice from people who are in my situation right now.
I found out that I was pregnant yesterday, so I am still in a state of shock. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I am 21. This was not a plan of ours for at least another few years, which is why I took the pill religiously and my luck I turned out to be one of the unlucky 1% who it is ineffective for. I am graduating university in July with a Psychology degree and I planned on doing my Masters in Abnormal Psychology in Sept 2011.
I have never agreed with abortion unless under certain circumstances... I see it as a form of playing God, when I have no right to do that. Plus, I don't agree with it mainly because there are so many women out there who can't have children who desperately want one, and there are then the people having abortions as though it is a form of contraception. To me that isnt right. Anyway, I was thinking about adoption, but my mother feels that I would not be able to cope with that, as I would grow attached to my baby over the 9 months while carrying it, and it would kill me to give it up. Deep down, I feel that I could manage.. I understand that it would be a huge struggle as I only work part-time right now, and my partner is unemployed. This was not part of my life plan at all, and it's really knocked me back.. especially as I was using contraception. But a part of me then thinks that this must have happened for a reason?
Is anyone else in the same situation and could offer advice? My boyfriend also doesn't know yet, my mother and I are planning on speaking to him tonight. I'm really nervous as I know that he does not want children for a good few years. Any tips?
Jenna x

 

[JJ Mum]

Well welcome to the forum Jenna

I can't really advise you one way or the other as it is whatever you feel is right for you and right now. It's lovely that you can talk to your mum about this too.

I myself had an unplanned suprise at 24 (so little bit older, but in stable relationship and living together already)
I personally could not ever have the baby up for adoption as 40 weeks its such a long time, the baby is part of you , growing inside, and you can't help but develop a special bond with it over this time. Your pregnancy hormones turn you from a once controlled person to an emotional attached Mummy, it is afterall designed to work like this naturally.

Wishing you luck telling your boyfriend later , remember as a bloke, his reaction could go one of two ways, and please don't take this badley if intially the wrong way, he will be as shocked as you, and your ahead of the game with this knowledge already and sometimes they need a few days for this to sink in, before they can think clearly. (so just trying to say don't be upset if he reacts strangely, it may be short lived!)

There are lots of students on here that are havng babies and continuing or adjusting there education just fine. It may be a little harder, but babies do not mean you have to give up on your dreams, just bend the rules a little, remember you don't need to give up on you to be become a mum!


Lastly Huge Congratulations to both of you XXX

 

[mablestarr]

Hi Jenna

I love the fact that you can talk freely with your mum - it must be a huge relief to be able to confide in her.
As for advice - I am in no position give you any as my situation is very different - but whilst still at uni I had a pregnancy scare and even though I turned out not to be pregnant various thoughts entered my head at that time.
If you have only found out yesterday then you don't need to make any rushed decisions. Take your time look at all options and if at a later stage you feel you want to go ahead with adoption then that is your own choice. There are lots of couples out there that for whatever reason can't get their own child and would do anything for a child to call their own even if that is through adoption.
But I do think that your mum might be right - that after 9 months you may become very attached and will find it hard to let go. Only you can make the decision and you will probably be given lots of different advice by others but at the end of the day it is your choice, and only you can make it.
Good luck telling your boyfriend.
xx
p.s. are you currently sitting your final exams? If so concentrate on them and what will be will be. x

 

[wirenth]

hi there, i was in a similar situation with my 1st iwas only 17 when i found out and had only been with my bf for a couple of months, the way we both saw it at the time was that we were both consenting so we decided that we would cope together, i was in the last few months of a college course and we found out that i wouldn't be able to carry on with the course as it involved climbing ladders and using chemicals and he was just completing an NVQ needless to say we were both extremely shocked and we found it quite hard but we did it with help from both our parents.

I also never agreed with abortion unless the mother has good reason. You'll be fine and good luck with everything.

ps my bf and i have now been married for 7 1/2 years and our eldest boy is 11 in december. Also i found out a couple of months ago that i am pregnant with number 4!! and i was on the pill with this one just waiting for an appointment to have an implant fitted so we didn't find ourselves in this situ

 

[MrsR]

Hi jenna and welcome! It's so wonderful you and your mum are so close! I got pregnant-very unplanned in horrific circumstances-and I did consider adoption. I spoke to social services and everything. Then I went home and I was reading my booklet that came with my bounty pack from midwife about pregnancy, birth and beyond and I cried my heart out. I just knew that I couldn't give up my baby and miss then growing up, especially after feeling them inside me. It would have been the wrong decision for me but you are not me and you might feel completely different x I would speak to your boyfriend and then concentrate on your exams. If you know 100% you're not going to abort then you've got time to make a descision. I found social services very very helpful so I'd advise speaking to them after your exams. Be aware though that social services told me that after birth I would have to feed etc the baby before any adoption would be considered and I absolutely couldn't do it. I say explore all your options honey. Good luck with whatever you decide honey and there is alot of support here for you whatever you decide x x lots of love and hugs x x

 

[xxbeckyxx]

Hi Jenna, I was 21 when I found out about my pregnancy (had a birthday since, boo!) and had just started on my career - had lots of luck at work in the last year and had lots of promotions. I had a whole plan set up with my boss to keep moving up the ladder and tbh he was the first person I told when I found out because I was so confused!
He promised me that after I got used to the idea, nothing else would matter and he was so right! I'm already so attached to my little peanut lol
My OH is a student and I am the main earner in our house, but we've had to put a positive attitude towards that and just figure we'll cope when it comes to financial difficulties....somehow!!
I can't comment on adoption, because I know I'd never be strong enough to do that, but if you decide to go down that route I hope you get the support you'll need

At the end of the day, I don't think there's ever a right time to get pregnant. The way I see it, I can go back to work when little one is a bit older and really focus on my career if I want to, whereas if I had worked right up to a great managerial position and then found out I was pregnant, I don't know how I would've felt after putting in all that hard work!!

Good luck with telling your partner, and keep us posted xxx

 

[shootingstar22]

Hi Jenna,

My parents had me when they were 17/18 and this did not cause too much of a problem. My mother was able to catch up on her education and gain many more qualifications.

Needless to say that my parents both had very successful careers and my mother was able to retire in her 30s. That being said I did feel that my childhood was overshadowed by their work a little...so def try and put in some extra effort with your child when they are growing up.

Do what you think is right, dont let others decide for you.

 

[ashtonsmum]

Hi Jenna, first of congratulations, you have a little miracle growing inside you. secondly, my husband and i were both students when we got pregnant with our first.
only difference being we were getting married and couldnt wait to have kids, so started trying a few weeks before wedding incase it took ages but it didnt first time around i got pregnant and had my beautiful son, now we arev expecting no 2 both babies planned.
u would be surprised there is a lot of support out there for students and ur the best age to have kids. i personally could never do adoption or abortion, i love my son and this baby more than i could ever imagine, but dont rush into any decisions yet, you have 40 wks to decide so take it easy for now.

you never know ur boyfriend might be so excited and want to keep the baby, good luck xxxx

 

[ashtonsmum]

ps forgot to say i was 20 when i got pregnant and had my son at 21 now im 22 for the 2nd so similar age to u xx

 

[welshgal22]

Hi everyone! Thank you all so much for your support and understanding. It means so much to me.
Well I told my boyfriend. He was shocked.. and he wants to get rid of it. He feels that he isn't ready, and I feel the same, but now that I know there is a little human in me, I just know that I would never be able to go through an abortion. I know that if I did then I would just end up blaming my boyfriend for the rest of my life because I know that deep down I did want to keep it. It would just kill me because there are so many people out there who try and try for a baby with no luck, then there was us, with contraception, getting pregnant. I dont know if I do believe in God, but this does feel like a little miracle thats happened and I do feel that there is a reason for this. He said that if I do decide to keep it then he would do his best to support me, as he just got a new job yesterday which would mean that we would be somewhat secure with finances, even though it wouldn't be alot. But as far as I see, as long as the baby has a roof over its head, food in its belly, clothes on its back, and people around it that love it, then thats all that matters. It wont need all the high-tech baby toys out there to survive, as long as it has love. I know it sounds mad, but I love it already. My boyfriend will be devastated if I do decide to keep it I know, but I feel that it is my body and I should be able to decide the final outcome, and I really dont want to end up hating him because I did something that he wanted.
I am currently on study week ready for my final exam next Thursday, and I will be graduating in July. I was planning on taking a gap year out anyway to work and save for my Masters, so maybe in a way this was meant to be. I know that I can always return to education as a mature student, and there will be day care options etc.
I'm just worried that if I do decide to keep the baby, then I'll be an awful mum
Jenna X

 

[kay126]

aww u wont be an awful mum, far from it! u obviously have ur head screwed on and know what having this child will mean in terms of changes to ur whole future so its not lke ur heading into this blinkered! You say u love it already.... how would you feel if it was suddenly taken away from you? ask yourself that and im sure your heart will tell u what u want to do in an instance- either way whatever you decide we are all here to support you xx

 

[welshgal22]

Thank you hun! I hope I won't be a bad mum, I feel that at 21 I'm still young, but there are plenty of people out there who have babies at a much younger age and they cope. I also see you're from Wales too
Jenna x

 

[kay126]

yup welsh and proud and all that! not seen too many welsh woman on here so 'Croeso'! Im 21 on monday so know how u feel about the age business but the way i see it is i get to be a 'cool and hip young mum (haha!)' and look at the bright side! how nice will it be that we wouldnt even be 40 by the time our kids are 18! i know its a silly thing to look at but i think it will be lovely having the chance to bring up our kids now and still have plently of life in us when they start school to start getting our lives and goals back on track as well :-D xxx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Hi Jenna......welcome to the forum and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I know it prob came as a shock to you both but like you said....things happen for a reason!

I had been studying hard too and had plans to become a teacher when I was 18....then I got engaged, went on to get married 5 days after my 21st birthday and had my daughter 6 days after my 22nd birthday! My education and career plans went on hold for a little while and for me that was the best and right thing to do and although I was still very young at 22 but I know I did an amazing job as a mother if I say so myslef! I now have a 16year old daughter whos doing just great! I wouldnt change a thing!

Having my daughter was the best thing thats happened in my life and when she was 3 I will went back to study, and have been sucessful in my chosen careers so dont panic it CAN be done......just take some time to get your head around it all and accept things slowly.....lots of the girls on here are in your situation and they manage just fine hoinestly, its not impossible to do both.....just the road to getting there is slightly different to waht it first was....

My sister got pregnant quite young and the baby was adopted and shes regretted it every since and has major probs even now 30years later...so just think everything over before you decide either way and Im sure you will come up with the right decision and do whats best for you and your baby.....

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide xxx

 

[JJ Mum]

But as far as I see, as long as the baby has a roof over its head, food in its belly, clothes on its back, and people around it that love it, then thats all that matters. It wont need all the high-tech baby toys out there to survive, as long as it has love. I know it sounds mad, but I love it already.

Jenna X

Jenna - Read your above statement again Hun... It's quite clear that you will be a fantastic mum, you've got it sorted already.....

Look forward to following your pregnancy journey XX JJ

 

[HelenJ]

I was 22 when I got pregnant (unplanned) and was indeed still in college. I finished two studies (and have two bachelor degrees ) but I was very ambitious and wanted to complete another master. I did dat while being pregnant and gave birth in July. Then I started again but gave up on my (fulltime) study in October that year. I just couldn't study and raise my son (who is a bad sleeper and now at 10 months is still fed during the night). I was too tired and couldn't work it out.

I don't think I will be able to pick up this study anytime soon since it was a very hard one (for me) and takes up a lot of time. I wanted to get a baby at 26 when I finished my master but my beautiful son came 3 years early.

I don't mind now that I have made peace with the fact I don't get my master now and maybe I will finish it later (don't know). I also love being there for my son at home so I just thought I have so many years to still study etc I don't mind staying at home now.

I could never get an abortion (unless I was raped and got pregnant for example). I also couldn't give the child up for abortion. I had a very very hard labour and delivery and after that I am sure I would never be able to give the baby away. Even now I sometimes feel very lonely (since my baby is not in my belly anymore) can't imagine him not having around at all.

Good luck with your decision and I am sure you will work something out that suits both you and your BF.

 

[AugustMum]

Hey, Im in the same situation as you. I was with the FOB for about 5 years but broke up a few months before I got pregnant (that bits not the same lol). Im at uni at the moment, just passed my second year and got my final year next year. Im 22 but found out when I was 21 It was a massive shock like yourself and I did consider all the options but for me abortion just wasnt going to happen but the FOB wanted to get rid of it so I did consider it. Now however, he's come around to the idea (it did take a while lol) and everything is working out.

Like you said brilliantly, as long as the baby has a roof over its head and people that love it then everything going to be fine. Yes there might be hard patches but it'll all be worth it (so im told! lol...this is my first)

I really hope you figure everything out and your boyfriend sounds like hes here to stay and support you and your mum just sounds fab! Its so much easier with the support of parents xx

 

[welshgal22]

Thank you all for the support! You've been fab! I told my boyfriend.. and he wasnt as supportive as I would have liked him to be. I went to talk to him and his parents on Thursday and they feel it would be best if I got a termination straight away, because if I kept it then I would ruin their sons life, never get a career or a house, end up with post-natal depression etc. I honestly cannot believe they would have been like that. I asked him to come down and discuss things on Friday but he refused and then went on to tell me how his parents had told him to "not cancel his drinking plans on the weekend for her, you deserve it with all the stress you have had this week", to which my mother and aunty were both disgusted over and said that if it was their son who got his girlfriend pregnant, then there would be no way in hell they would let him go out on the town and make him go and support his girlfriend. He has not gotten in touch with my since Friday and it is now Sunday. I told him that I would go along with what him and his parents say to save any arguements, as I am already the one getting the blame for becoming pregnant in the first place. I text him this morning to say that if he can't even get in touch with me, after being together for 4 years, then I do not want him involved with what happens from here on, to which he hasn't replied.
Girls, I'm distraught. I honestly thought that I meant something to him.
I guess I was so wrong
Jenna x

 

[mummynmummy2b]

Hi hun and welcome to the forum, lots of love and support on here so your in the right place. You boyfriend is reacting in the way that a lot of men do! There are girls I know who's partners are in their 30's and still end up having a bit of a breakdown at the shock of becoming a dad.

At the end of the day its your body and nobody can tell you to have an abortion. If your boyfriend doesnt want you to have the baby then he doesnt have to be involved but dont terminate because they are all telling you to, you would never forgive yourself and you would never forgive them.

I cant believe how his parents are reacting to the news, to be perfectly honest its none of their business, I would be very careful about taking to heart what your boyfriend is saying at the moment. Its been a huge shock to him and if he has both his parents in his ear telling him what to do, he's feeling vulnerable so he's probably going to cling to their every word.


I read one of your earlier posts where you mentioned having the support of your mum and thats great. You really sound like you dont want to abort so just give it some time for the dust to settle before making any decisions. But I would say if you dont want to abort, even if you arent sure what your going to do/how your going to cope then dont abort. Once youve done it you cant take it back and it destroys people.

There is every chance that given a couple of weeks for the news to sink in your boyfriend will come round to the idea. Having a baby and becoming a parent is Scary, especially if it isnt planned.

I would be very careful of letting other people get involved at this stage as really it is down to you what happens. You and your boyfriend need to talk obviously. I would say that that would be much better done if it was just the two of you. No parents involved!

Finally.... Having a baby is bloody hard work but.... its worth every single second. When I look at my son I cant even describe how I feel, he is my world and worth every sleepless night, every bit of stress and every argument with my husband!

Keep us all posted and good luck.

Congratulations hun xxx

 

[mummynmummy2b]

Oh and just to addd.... there is loads of help out there for parents returning to education. Im looking into doing midwifery, which I know is probably slightly different as the NHS gives the bursaries but... I would get about £6k a year in dependants bursaries for 2 kids and thats with a husband! so dont write off your education. If you were on your own you would also get income support and various other benefits to help you get where you want to be. Mummies are amazing people you know!! Can do whatever we want if we want it badly enough and put our minds to it!!

And re-reading what your boyfriends parents said, they are obviously just looking out for their son, cant blame them for that but saying that you will end up with postnatal depression and no future is just plain silly! When I fell pregnant with my son we had nowhere to live, no jobs, no nothing!! We are now married with a lovely 3 bedroom house, my husband runs his own business and we are comfortable money wise and looking forward to a great future, my son is doing really well and i'm wanting to go back to university.... yes its hard work but if you dont want to spend your life stuck on benefits then you wont! xx