its over for good i think -updated 3/5/08

[purple13]

don't know what to say hon

 

[lea m]

Im so sorry hun!

 

[Krystal]

Don't feel this is the end.. maybe some time apart without contact will give him space to clear his head.

I'm so sorry your having to go through this

 

[dannii87]

Oh god... I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm no mindreader, but to me, it sounds as though he may be struggling with his grief and has had a delayed reaction to it?

When my nan died (Mum's Mum) my Mum was the support for us all and we all leant on her for our support, it was almost as though she didn't have time to grieve properly because she was holding us all together...

After 3 months, she broke up with my dad, started going clubbing etc and grieved...

It isn't normal (and it doesn't sound like "him" from what I've read) to react that way over a letter so I really so think there are hidden depths to his emotions (like a delayed grieving process).

I really do think that time is the important factor here, it's clearly what he needs and give it a few days/weeks and I'm sure he'l recover.

Do you think he could be depressed? Is there any way of talking to him in a way where you can say to him, "I won't say a word, I will sit there and just listen and support you" and show him that you can still be friends (that way, there is an automatic link for a reconciliation at some point in the future perhaps?)

I really want to help but I feel like I can't get everything I want to say out which is frustrating because you really don't deserve this (nor does he in all fairness) but maybe he's been YOUR rock through everything, and now he needs to break down himself?

When you truly love someone, hearing how upset they are REALLY affects you, maybe that's the case after he's read your letter? The fact he came TO your house after reading it, clearly it sparked a strong emotion (although anger seems to be the obvious emotion, I really think it's something deeper)

Anger is one of the strongest emotion and it's the easiest one to cover up any other emotion. I do think this is all a cover up for something else.

I will stop now because I'm rambling on hoping what I want to say will leak somehow but I just can't find the words

Have a hug hun, and please do take us up on our offers for a chat when you need us, I'd hate to think you were struggling through this alone xxx

 

[Snuggle]

I'm very sorry this is happening to you Tracey

Maybe you both just need some space for a bit to get your heads round things

 

[Misslarue]

omg hun I cannot believe I have only just seen this. Sending you huge
I've PMed you on fb

 

[DaisyRose]

Oh Tracey, I've only just seen this - I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you really don't deserve it after all you have been through.

It must be impossible to see past this right now but please do give it some time. I don't know much about your situation but it does sound like he's really hurting too; maybe some space will allow him to deal with his own grief and put things into perspective - you've been through so much together and nothing is ever going to change that.

It's a totally different situation and we hadn't been through anything like what you've been through but I had to give my OH some space some years back - he was going through a really bad time re. his ex and our relationship fell apart but the more pressure I put on him, the further he pushed me away. I felt like I really couldn't cope anymore (looking back, I do think I had a breakdown) so went to the doc who put me on antidepressants. Eventually I got my life back together, (I even had a couple of flings) and was able to remain friends with OH but I still loved him and 18 months later we got back together. Are having probs again now but that's a different story!!

Sorry about the long post - take care - tomorrow is another day.

 

[Melanie]

Im so sorry Tracey, I cant even imagine how you must be feeling right now.
Do you have anyone who can stay with you or can you stay over at anyones house for a few days so you arent alone? Feelings of desperation can leave us in a scary place thats best not dealt with alone sweetheart.

Whatever happens Tracey you CAN get through it, you are stronger than you realise.

 

[abcd1234]

I dont beleive its ever wrong to write down how you feel, i personally find it helps, you have time to think over what your saying and say it right, it also means you dont get all emotional telling them.

Maybe you need to give him time to think over things, and let yourself think a little, then when you feel calmer or have decided what you want, ring or post him another letter saying you want to talk face to face, explain that you dont want an arguement you just want to talk over exactly how you both feel rather then leaving things.

Thats what i'd do, but its up to you, either way i hope things sort themselves out for you

 

[trixipaws]

tracey, i do hope this isnt the end, like i said on text i think its just all the pressure youre both under with all youve been through- im sure he just needs some time, keep determined like u told me u was and stay strong please sweety

 

[LilysMummy]

Hope your ok hun.

 

[Penstraze]

I am sorry to read this its no wonder all you have been through has put a strain on the relationship! I don't believe that he doesn't love you any more just that he is struggling with his grief as you are and it has made you grow apart. From what he says I believe he thinks he shouldn't be so upset or that other people think he should be doing ok and suporting you not falling appart himself and that he has tried that and cant cope and maybe feels he's failed there is far more emphasis for men to be strong and get on with things which can't be easy! I really hope with time you two are able to rebuild your lives together but perhaps you both need to sort yourselves out as individuals first

 

[tracey 2]

thank you girls for all the advice i really appreciate it all so so much,

anyway not heard anything today from him or even anyway from his family im going to leave it for now for a week or so leave him to have some space, and be there if he calls or anything really.

iv had my mate stay last couple nights for a while till got sleepy but she not coming over tonight so sure will be ok will have early night maybe but just to say thanks again have been in low place recently and i hope given time things will sort themselves out.

 

[babydust]

oh tracy i dont really come in here much but when i read your post it put me in floods of tears as me and dh have been through a bad patch only last month. It sounds to me like he is really hurting give him some space then in a few days maybe see if he can come round to talk about things, i really think you need a heart to heart and clear the air, the 2 of you have been through far too much to let go now.

 

[smile]

just wanted to send

It sounds like he is really hurting too - does he have anyone else to talk to or could you both think about relationship counselling?

Sounds like you both really love each other but have had so much happen that you are both grieving in different ways - maybe you could get some help with that?

 

[jennywren]

only just seen this sorry,

Have you heard from him yet? Do you not live together, sorry I thought you did? Just asking because even though it is extremly hard for you at the moment splitting up from him, at least if you live with your folks they are there to help you through it!

I think he maybe just needs some time then he will realise what he is leaving behind!

 

[trixipaws]

hey tracey, i kno i txt u the other day i hope im not pecking your head, but how u getting on? have u heard from steve?

 

[andreaaa]

I am sure given time you two will be able to work through things. You deserve to be happy

Sending you lots of love xxx

 

[tracey 2]

thank you for all your messages guys,

been in contact with him today i went over to his house i needed to speak to him i did ring him before hand and left a message which he text me back and said it would be fine to come over and talk, now i dont know why i bothered

its like he doesnt care and i think he is hurting so so much i didnt know what to do, he apologised for the way he has been and i apologised as well and it started to go ok we talked for a bit went for a walk and he just tried to explain what was going on in his head and how he was feeling jeolous and guilty for everything i asked him to explain if he could,

there were things like i was the one holding chloe, when she left us not him and that iv had all this support and everyone around me where he feels he has had to take a back seat, but i explained that its hard for both of us as a mother and a father but he shock his head and said no - he said you dont know what i went though so i said no i dont know what your going through cos you wont talk to me he said well if you wont talk to me bout how your feeling then why should i

then things started getting nasty and he was saying some horrid things i know he doesnt mean any of it but its hard to listen to without reacting to it, hurts so much.

i just dont know what to do now should i try to keep my distance then send another letter or speak to him once he has calmed down i dont know?

i really dont know how to work things out i really dont he is scaring me the way he has being but i dont want to go behind his back and talk to him family or doctor it might make it worse,

im hanging on by a thread at the moment with my own life and feelings and im really low at the moment but with all this its not helping now im worrying about him

anyway if you have managed to stay with me and read all the way down to here then well done and thank you for reading

 

[reallyoldmum]

Oh Tracey - first some I think you need them.

I dont know what to suggest but I just hope you can both move on from this terribly sad time.