I love him so much

[x0xbaybeeemz]

Im sorry if i go on at all but im feeling very emotinal atm maybe because its time of month Im crying my eyes out right now! As some of you may know im currently not living with my OH yet and its really really getting me down Iv never felt like this before but i miss him so effin much!! I just wanna be with him all the time Im always unhappy when im not with him I want us to get our own flat but i dont know where to start???? Im not working and his job doesnt pay alot but as my OH lives in nottingham and i live in lincolnshire id want him to move up lincolnshire so means hed have to find a new job... Can someone help me Im also 17 btw! I dont know what to do!

 

[Sherlock]

While its a struggle, I'd try for a little more independance and leading your own life a bit to take the focus of you being so dependant on your OH. I personally don't feel its healthy to be so dependant on someone in that way. It can put a lot of pressure on the other person also. Enjoy the times you spend together but then get on with life when you are apart. it can't stop because you are not with each other. You'd both be having to go out and work etc if living together anyways, you can't live in each others pockets (I speak as someone who spent 3 years in a long term relationship with OH in Australia, before he moved to the UK and we married) so I do know a bit of what I am talking about)

You need to make the most of the situation. If that involves you going out and finding a job to save some money then do it. It might also give you a distraction from pining for your OH also. I think maybe you are sitting dwelling on it too much and its not being good for you. So make changes. Do something positive about it rather than mope.

You are young, not living together and not even living close. May I ask why you are trying to conceive right now? Would it not be better to wait till you are actually living together and have your own place at least? And you know you as a couple are happy and your OH will be earning enough to support you once a baby is on the way and here? I'd personally wait a while. 17 is still young and delaying having a baby till you are both in a better position makes sense to me.

And also why does your OH have to move to be with you? If he is the one with the job etc why can't you go there? Both get jobs and work for 6 months to save and then if you both wanted move back to Lincolnshire then to set up home. Expecting him to move with nowhere to live, no job and to leave one behind seems a bit much. If you are not working and can live with him it makes more sense for you to go there until such time as you are able to afford to return together. Also if finances are this bad at present and you do become pregnant how are you going to be able to afford and provide for a baby?

I'd really get it together, put TTC on hold till in a better position all round, find a job, save pennies, move if you have to and find a job when there, work at it for 6 months plus and then see where you and your OH are and consider moving if you are both able then.

 

[x0xbaybeeemz]

He has to move up lincolnshire.. I have my family up here and i want to be close to them.. I have met some new mates up nottingham and i have my real dad up there but i havent met him for 11yrs i just think lincolshire is a safer place to bring up a baby aswel im not ready to be moving back to nottingham just yet and iv told him i will eventually but not just yet.
I cant put TTC on hold because we have planned out what we are going to do if i get pregnant.. Im getting a job soon anyway and hes got a job and and he said i could always move in with him and his parents for time being till we get our own place anyway its just where to start really I know im ready for a baby and i know im mature enough so thats what im doing

 

[Sherlock]

I didn't say you were not mature enough or not ready per se, but you are both far from a decent liveable/workable situation for trying to have a baby.

If you become PG before you start work you may not be eligible for maternity benefits etc. Have you looked into all that with regards to employment etc. And you said your OH is not earning a great wage, so how can he afford to move, support you etc?

I just think you should get things settled a bit more first before trying for a baby. At least that you are both working, living closer and are able to afford to live etc. Bringing a baby into the world can put massive pressure on couples as it is, let alone if things are stacked against them such as living apart and you missing him as much as you say you are. If you are struggling to cope with that now, how will it be if you become PG next month but your living situation does not change for months after that? How are you going to cope with being PG, living apart, possibly not working and sitting pining for your OH?

Just all things to consider.

I feel you have plenty of time to get things sorted so as you and your OH are in a better position together before trying for a baby. Let him find a job nearer to where you live, find a place to live together, so you get over the missing him side of things, you find work also, get settled and then try for a baby. To me its the most logical and practical and sensible solution all round. And also in my opinion, the most mature way to go about things.

 

[x0xbaybeeemz]

I hate telling people my age i just feel like im being judged all the time and im different to everyone else because of my age

 

[Sherlock]

I hate telling people my age i just feel like im being judged all the time and im different to everyone else because of my age

Well I'm 37 and I don't much like telling people that either Some seem to think having my first child at 37 is a bit old. But I'm settled in life, have a roof over my head, my husband is working and can afford to support myself and a baby and all those things. Hence us trying for a baby now, whereas 3 years ago we could not have done so really financially or housing wise.

You could have said you were 25, 35, whatever age and in the same situation and I'd still have replied as I did about waiting a while, getting your living and working situation sorted first so you are both in a better position for TTC etc. 17 only makes me feel you have even more time on your side so why not plan and work things out for 6 months or a year so as to be able to give yourselves the best start you can for a baby, rather than possibly/probably struggling from the off in far from ideal circumstances (living apart, not earning much/not working etc).

Just makes sense to me.

 

[Jade&Evie]

Sherlock is just pointing out facts that would affect ANYONE not just young people.

I am 19 and although I love Evie to bits I wouldn't have 'tried' for a baby now. My OH and I have had to make a lot of changes and sacrifices that would have destroyed a lot of relationships. At times it almost destroyed ours because it's the biggest thing you can ever do with someone. If you fall pregnant and your OH is away from you it'll be so difficult. There were days when I was so emotional that my OH coming home from work to give me a hug was the only thing I looked forward to.

I would wait until you have a stable job- it will make your (impending) pregnancy much easier because you wont have to worry about money issues when the baby is born... they cost A LOT!

A relationship will only work if you have your own life too. My OH and I do most things together but we still do things seperately too- sometimes I miss him when he's out with his mates but I know that it's me he's coming home too and if I make him stay at home 24:7 he'll just end up resenting me. It works the other way too- I love that I can do my own thing and still have his love and support.

I hope you make the best decision for YOU.

 

[x0xbaybeeemz]

Ok thanks ladies.. But i know what i want and nothing or noone will change my mind because it means so much to me.. Sorry

 

[Sherlock]

Ok thanks ladies.. But i know what i want and nothing or noone will change my mind because it means so much to me.. Sorry

Then good luck to you I'd still say if it means that much to you, you'd get your living and working situation sorted first to be able to have a head start for you and your baby in the future. 6 months isn't so long to give yourselves to sort things out in those areas IMHO.

I hope you can get your emotions and feelings under control so you can live your life and not be unhappy until such time as you and your OH can live together. Seems to me you are not coping well atm, and as has been said it will only get harder should you become PG soon and be living apart still etc.

If you know what you want, then do it, but be prepared for harder times ahead than you are experiencing now emotionally. Hopefully your living circumstances will change sooner rather than later so that will help you

Starter pointers for finding a flat and so on, you usually both have to be working (or the one income to cover the rent fully), able to provide references and deposit to put down plus a months rent in advance. Then be able to cover bills such as council tax, electric, water rates etc (which can vary depending on the property). Then factor in food, general costs (household insurance, as private lets expect you to have it), TV licence, phone, treats etc. Either through a letting agent or a private let. Both of which can be found in local papers each week.

FWIW and to give you some idea, we rent and our outgoings a month are over £1000 plus, including running a car, electric, council tax, food, TV licence,. phone and a few other things. This is on a 2 bed house in a different area to you, and of course a flat would be less rent and less to heat etc, but it gives you an idea to start working out from. Scan your local papers to see how much flats in your area cost to rent on average and you can then plan out your expenses and see what you and your OH can afford and look around.

Our baby costs (all the things we've bought in readiness etc) are not included in that btw.

Hope the info about housing is of some use to you

 

[x0xbaybeeemz]

Ok thanks hun. Ill have a word with my OH about it

 

[dannii87]

You've asked for advice, here's mine;

I don't judge you on your age, but something that has been invaluable to me is my maternity leave (I'm 20 and don't feel ashamed at all about my age or situation because financially, I can just about make it work) emotionally wise, who knows how I'll cope? I might be fantastic and just "get" parenthood, I might struggle. THAT has nothing to do with age, that's just something that varies with everyone - BUT, if you are struggling so much with not seeing him, how might your LO feel when daddy's not always around?

If I were you (I'm not judging, please don't take offence) but I'd probably leave it a little while, move in with your OH (wherever that may be) and clock up some maternity leave by working (which I know you're planning to do, good idea btw).

Mine wasn't planned and I can't tell you how much of a weight has been lifted just by being in my full time job for 3 years... It's a comfort to know A) I have maternity pay and B) I have a bloody good job to go back to should I decide to do so.

Good luck to you both hun

 

[dannii87]

Ooops I didn't even answer your question lol Darn preggo brain

It's clear how you feel about your OH, and if he thinks as much of you as you do him then you can MAKE it work whether you live in Lincolnshire or Lithuania!

I would probably compromise personally and find somewhere inbetween the two (if that works for you both) as neither of you can resent the other for being closer to so and so's family etc...

When couples live together (let alone having children, but that's a whole other convo!) they'll argue about almost everything at some point. Family, money, jobs, chores etc... You have to find that balance and I think the best way to do that is to make a new start for your new family.

Just think, when you have a baby, you'll be starting your own family and wherever that is, it'll be baby's hometown. Birthplace.

I'd have a look around hun, maybe go on some housing websites and see what each other like in a house.

You might like a village, he might like a town, it's so much fun looking for homes though xx

 

[x0xbaybeeemz]

Thanks dannii Its helped alot I think the best idea for abit is to move in with my OH even tho its at his parents but atleast then we can sort it and discuss it properly instead of a txt or phone call or whatever. But i cannot stop TTC still it just means to much. I know my OH will always be there for me.. Even tho i do live abit away from him hes always been there when iv needed him even if it meant him getting a lift down here at 12 at night But he loves me to bits and i love him and we can make it work

 

[dannii87]

Thanks dannii Its helped alot I think the best idea for abit is to move in with my OH even tho its at his parents but atleast then we can sort it and discuss it properly instead of a txt or phone call or whatever. But i cannot stop TTC still it just means to much. I know my OH will always be there for me.. Even tho i do live abit away from him hes always been there when iv needed him even if it meant him getting a lift down here at 12 at night But he loves me to bits and i love him and we can make it work

In that case, get BD'ing and get your little butt on here with a BFP soon xx

 

[x0xbaybeeemz]

That gave me a smile on my face Thanks hun.. I will do.. well ill try to

 

[sparky]

i'm sorry but i'll have to agree with Sherlock.

I'm 32 and have waited until now to have a child because of various circumstances in my life.

I'm happily married and have made sure we have a roof over our head, as well as ensuring that our relationship is enduring and stable.

I lost a baby 8 years ago, and was devastated to say the least but i didnt simply try again for my own feelings as knew that the time was not right to bring a child into the world. I had to put my selfishness aside, and put the needs of any child before my own feelings/needs and wants. This is something that you obviously need to do it your situation, we cant have everything we want in life right now.

Peferably BOTH of you should be as keen to bring this child into the world, and you should both be keen to provide for all its needs.

It seems all to be a bit one sided.

Whats the harm in waiting a few years or even a few months?

I'm not saying that being a teenage mum will make you a bad one, infact some of the teenage mums on here tend to put the rest of us to shame with their mature outlook. But i'm sure that none of them would have chosen the route.

I think that you need something else in your life, your 17 and dont have a job, so i assume you've never worked??? really you dont want your whole life to be defined by motherhood alone, otherwise if nothing else you're not really setting a work ethic for your child.

 

[x0xbaybeeemz]

Thanks. but like i said it doesnt matter what anybody says im not going to stop.. i know im doing the right thing and i know i wont be a bad mum ill be a good one and he wants a baby as much as i do so im not forcing it on to him to have one.. His brother gfs is pregnant shes 19 and already has a son under 3 and she lives with her parents and she lives off benefits and shes still a good mum!

 

[Strangeness]

I don't think anyone on here is debating whether you'll be a good mum or not hun. No one knows what they will be like as a mum until it happens and your baby is there depending soley on you! All they're saying is your situation isn't exactly ideal to plan a baby around and you have all the time in the world to have a baby.

 

[Sherlock]

Thanks. but like i said it doesnt matter what anybody says im not going to stop.. i know im doing the right thing and i know i wont be a bad mum ill be a good one and he wants a baby as much as i do so im not forcing it on to him to have one.. His brother gfs is pregnant shes 19 and already has a son under 3 and she lives with her parents and she lives off benefits and shes still a good mum!

Not doubting you won't make a good Mum. And glad your OH is wanting a child also.

But something you said here about his brothers GF troubles me. Its not the best way to go about things *if* you have time and energy on your side and can plan for the future, even 6 months ahead. Look at what you've said. Do you really want a similar situation for your own life and child? Living in someone elses home? Being financially dependant on the state for money? Its far from what I'd want for myself at any age. I realise some people don't get to choose, and am not complaining at that, but if you have a choice, as it affects the rest of your life and that of your OH and any future child, choose wisely.

Your OH's brothers GF (lol what a typeful ), living with her parents, living off benefits does not strike me as her being able to provide for her child. Its because of other people she has a roof over her head and funds to raise her child.

I'm not doubting she doesn't love her child, but to me, if there is a way to avoid that kind of situation for yourself, if you have a choice, and you do, then you and your OH should look to being able to support yourselves first, before bringing another person into the world and relying on the kindness of others and state benefits.

Its just how I see the bigger picture.

 

[sparky]

Thanks. but like i said it doesnt matter what anybody says im not going to stop.. i know im doing the right thing and i know i wont be a bad mum ill be a good one and he wants a baby as much as i do so im not forcing it on to him to have one.. His brother gfs is pregnant shes 19 and already has a son under 3 and she lives with her parents and she lives off benefits and shes still a good mum!

i'm sure you will do what you want and sod everyone else including your unborn child.

But that last statement really shows just how immature you are, it reminded me of a child stamping its feet. The example you gave is hardly awe inspiring is it? Yes people make mistakes and some like your boyfriend's brothers mrs are lucky enough to have the support of their families and the state to support them, but to do it again....well its just irrisponsible.

I really dont believe that age matters when becoming a mum, but i strongly believe that emotional maturity does and i sense you've got a few years to go on that count.

Remember benefits are there for when people need them and when they fall on hard times, its not easy living off them life's expensive, and the vast majority of people use them as a stop gap to get them through a sticky situation whilst they work hard to improve life for themselves or their families, also if people are unable to work due to a genuine no fault of their own. THATS WHAT THEY ARE FOR! they are not a lifestyle choice!

I for one begrudge having to raise your child with my taxes.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but i really think you are being entirely selfish and are not intent on listening to the advice of others, - especially those with experiance.