Help... It's a mess... Advice needed!

[Kirstieplus1]

I'm sorry if this is a bit long winded but I need to get this off my chest.

Some of you may know from earlier threads but here's the story...

My pregnancy wasn't planned but as me and Oh had been together for 5.5yrs I thought things would be ok. How wrong was I?

My OH is 35 an only child and his mum is a widow. She has always hated me and I think it's because she didn't like the fact I had taken her little boy away from her.

From the start I was pressurised from them both to have a termination him I think because his mum didn't want it and he said he hadn't expected us to have a future (because of his mum) and because he loved me but wasn't in love with me.

Anyway I fought long and hard to keep my baby despite being kicked out of his house (by his mum even thought it's HIS house).

He says he can't get 'into it', doesn't feel anything for the baby, etc but is adamant that he will be in our babys life and wants him to have his surname.*

Although things weren't great we were still together, seeing each other and he kept saying he was confused about his feelings, felt trapped by me and the decision I made and what his mum says he should be doing.

In fairness he has been to all scans and try's to be interested but he is embarrassed by the situation.

Anyway at 19 weeks I found out he had cheated on me twice with a woman he met up north whilst he was on a stag do. * His excuse was that he felt trapped and he was angry with me for the situation I put him.

I know it doesnt make it right but I could kind of understand this and I sort of forgave him for it. He kept saying that it wasn't exactly going to work out with a woman older than him, who lived miles away and who already had a ready made family. So we still carried on seeing each other.

At 22 weeks I called him and it turned out he was up in Newcastle playing happy families again with this woman (who by the way knows about our situation).*

Since then we talk a lot on the phone and I know he's checking up on me making sure I'm not going out on dates and sleeping with other people (as if that's a priority in my life right now). *We see each other a couple of times a week (it seems just for sex) and haven't really spent any real time together.

Saw him last night and asked him for the truth. Apparently he still loves me and cares for me, the main reason he doesn't want me going out on dates is because I'm carrying his baby and he thinks it's sick - not because he has feelings for me.

His mum tells him to avoid contact, tells him not to bother with antenatal appointments, that he shouldn't be in baby's life, etc.

He says he hopes when baby is here things will change and nature will take it's course and he will want to be with me and be a family.

The problem is I'm heart broken. I cant help loving him and it hurts. I miss our life together before this happened and I can't deal with it.*

I'm scared of being a single parent, of being left on the shelf forever - who wants a single mum? I'm embarrassed by the situation and really did not think I would end up in this position.

I feel guilty that my baby wont have the best start in life too and about labour and birth ( if he wont be there).

I could really do with some help and advice.

Should i bother with him anymore? If not how do I get over him? Do you think there is hope? Will I be ok on my own? Will I even given a damn about him when I hold my baby for the first time?

I can't stop crying and my heart is broken and I can't take it anymore .

Make a pregnancy ticker

 

[Kirstieplus1]

Ps. His mum made him chose and said if he ever got back with me she never wanted anything to do with him again!

 

[pinkyprincess]

Firstly don't meet him for sex at all! He's just using u (don't want to be harsh but he's playing with your feelings!) yes let him come to antinatal appts but say good bye at the hospital don't see him socially any more. Secondly talk to someone about your rites re money and visiting when baby's born better doing it now rather than later (I'm afraid I don't know too much about that!) that and lastly it's a scary thought being a single mum, but my mum did it and she did it damn well! I never went without anything! She's now with an amazing bloke with 2 more beautiful children! I'm very proud of my mum, she was 20, brought me up with no help from my dad AND got a PHD to make something of her life!

 

[pinkyprincess]

Forgot to say good luck! Hope I haven't seemed harsh! Xxx

 

[knopk@]

I am sorry you are going through this but i think you willbe better off without him. If at 35 he cant tell his mum to shut the eff up, he is not worth your tears.

 

[Lilelephant]

Sounds like u will e best of being apart! Yes he should be part of bub's life but I think that's as far as it goes! He has disrespected u by seeing the other woman and then coming back to u for sex! Bet Newcastle woman doesnt know that! It sounds like he needs to grow a pair where is mum is concerned too!

 

[x_larlybelle_x]

So sorry to hear the situation u r in. Im sorry but I dont have any advice but didn't want to read and run

 

[Lulabell]

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. You cant help who you love. But you must think about what's best for you and your baby. No matter what. His mum sounds like a control freak and unless he can stand up to her, I don't think there is any hope in him. It's obviously upsetting you so maybe taking a step back from him may be a good thing, all be it hard. You don't deserve to be messed around. And nor does your baby. I'm not saying he shiuldnt have any involvement. You just don't need the stress and upset right now. Sending you Hun. Really hope your situation improves.xx

 

[michelles1985]

Wow hun, I really don't know what to say. What a horrible situation to be in. I feel for you.

All I can say is that right now, your priority is yours and LO's health and wellbeing and if that means being apart from him for a while, then so be it. I know that is easier said than donebecause you love him so much. However, you shouldn't be waiting around for him whilst he's swanning off doing what he wants. Why don't you just throw yourself into getting prepared for the arrival of your LO? Try to push him to the back of your mind for now, you shouldn't be made to hang around whilst he decides what he wants or his mother for that matter!!!! How frustrating!

Do you have any family mambers you are close to that you could talk to? Just to get it off your chest with them too?

And I wouldn't worry about being a single mum. You won't be left on the shelf. My Anuty had 3 little boys (one of them quiteseverely disabled) with her husband and they split up after about 7 years together (only 2 of them married) and she is now with someone else so you could be happier with someone esle further down the line who loves you and the baby for who you are and doesn't let his mother dictate.

And as for your other half saying he feels trapped and going off shmoozing with some other woman WHO HAS KIDS is completely disgusting. As hard as it is, you need to give him an ultimatum, it's you and the baby COMPLETELY or NOTHING at all. It's not fair on you and LO for him to be dipping in and out of the relationship. You need stability and he is not giving it to you. If he loves you, he'll choose wisely and choose you an your bundle of joy.

If it is he doesn't, once you give birth, everything else will pale into insignificance (even him) because you baby will be your number 1 no matter what and that will get you through anything.

Good luck hun. Sending big hugs and lots of thoughts your way.

STAY STRONG.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[cosmicgirl]

You might not want to hear this but you need to give this fella the boot. He knows you love him and is having his cake and eating it! Please don't let him take advantage of you for sex anymore. Forget about him and concentrate on your lo x

 

[amyjayne77]

You really cannot put up with this. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but he is so not good enough for you and your child. He is not a man, but a spoilt mummy's boy who has treated you dispicably. Nobody can make decisions for you, only tell you views from the stand point of an outsider. My view is that you would be better off alone than with this controlling excuse for a man. It might sound like a hard decision right now, but think of yourself free of him and looking back in a few years time, him still with mummy, and you with your precious child xx

 

[Kirstieplus1]

I have good and bad days - today is really bad!
The hardest thing is trying to deal with the fact he has thrown our happy life away and I miss it so bad!

 

[cosmicgirl]

You and your baby deserve so much better and you will find that, believe me. When you find your soul mate you and lo will be their number one priority x

 

[mustard]

I'm so sorry to hear you are in this situation and it sounds like you are going to have to be strong to get through it. I hope you will have more good days than bad days to come.

 

[JoJo79]

agree with what the other ladies have said but also wanted to say, you'd be amazed at who will want and love a single mum!

I split with my eldests dad when she was 14mths old, met my now hubby when she was 2.5 and we've been together ever since, he took my eldest on and treat her as his own from day one (and he was only 18 at the time)

Have faith it all seems hopeless right now but things do get better/easier xxxxxx

 

[niknaks]

firstly im gonna play devils advocate but only a tiny weeny lil bit. im not saying i understand where his mums coming from but shes prob doing this cos shes lonely and her sons prob the closest thing to her. i just lost my dad so my mums a widow and shes constantly saying me and my sis cant leave her and now with the baby and me and oh are living with her at the mo but applied for housing as we really want our own place but she keeps going on about being alone and how were gonna leave her blah blah blah. but still she needs to butt out and let her son lead his life as we told my mum in nicer words (more like my sis did lol and shes 19)

secondly on the age thing, is this guy really 35? i thought men are meant to mature as they get older. its not fair of him to be treating you like this. you need to tell him to grow a pair or get out. its not just you and him anymore and if he wants to be apart of the babys life but not be with then do that. let him go to the appointments but thats that and arrange something where your not aroung him too much. its not fair him treating your feelings with such disrespect and your pregnant. you dont need this stress. if he really cared for the baby he would realise that himself x

 

[Dragonfly Fi]

Only you can know the full situation so i cannot begin to make a decision for you. I would however suggest, that you make him fight for you.

Make yourself unavailable, make yourself independent even though it tears you up inside.

if its not meant to be, then you can take strength from your own decision.

If it is meant to be, he will fight for you and then you can build a relationship based on YOUR terms not his.

dont have a big drama, dont add fuel to the fire, just take the high road and sort yourself out and your baby.

You are giving your baby the best start, you are that babies mother and therefore you are everything it needs. I would be more worried about getting YOURSELF the support when the baby is young rather than the support it will receive, we tend to give everything to our young and ourselves get lost a bit in the mix.

You'll find your way

Hope it works out xx

 

[Susanne]

I am really sorry to hear you find yourself in this situation, it must be so difficult to deal with. I am afraid I agree with most of the other ladies - it really does sound like he is just using you, and I think it is unlikely that everything will magically change when the baby is born. Of course you want to give the baby the best start in life, and I'm not saying that he shouldn't play a role in his child's life. But if you stay together for the baby's sake, and he keeps treating (or rather, mistreating) you this way, this is going to be damaging for the child, too, and not at all to his or her benefit. You have already proven what a mature, strong person you are by fighting to keep this baby, and I think you will make a great mum, single or not. And I know loads of single mums with one or more children who have found happiness with new partners, I'm sure you will find somebody else when you are ready. I think the only way to get over this man is to see him as little as possible, i.e. only for antenatal appointments if he wants to be involved, and not in any other shape or form at all, otherwise you'll never get away with him. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, and obviously you are the only one who can make this decision at the end of the day, and whatever your decision turns out to be, I wish you all the luck in the world, and that you do find happiness in the end.

 

[BabyBrain]

You know I seriously think that Mother Nature knew what she was doing when she made women mothers. We are generally stronger, more reliable, fiercer over our children and better equipped to cope with whatever life throws at us.
You may well be a single parent but you are also a woman and as such your baby will want for nothing. Love doesn't put food on the table but its the best start a baby can have. You need to take a little pride in yourself love, you are stronger than you think and you will be a fantastic mum with or without him. Also if you think about it if you get back with him it would be more like being a single mother to 2 babies and not just the one.
Hold your head up high, be proud to be as strong as you are and let them rot in their selfishness. Its them who will ultimately miss out not you and your baby xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Esperanza84]

I agree with the other ladies. He doesn't deserve you and you should think about yourself and your LO. I know everything may seem hopeless now, but I'm sure you will get through it. My sister was a single parent for 4 kids, with two different men. It wasn't a dream situation, but she held her head high and made it. Now she has a lovely boyfriend who really loves her and she's so happy! I'm sure you will as well!

Stay strong! You will find happiness!

xx