Advice - Ongoing argument with OH

[positivity :)]

hi girls,

me and OH have been continually arguing about an issue we have.

both of our parents are smokers, his mum and my dad do about 50 a day

anyway, now im pregnant my OH insists that they dont smoke in front of me when im around, which my mum and his mum have agreed to do (his dad doesn't smoke).

i went to my dads for the day yesterday (i only see him every 6 weeks or so) and he's so old fashioned, he puts people down who have a problem with smoking and thinks theres nothing wrong with it. well i went on my own and i didn't ask him or his OH to not smoke around me as i didn't feel i was able to.

anyway, OH has been insisting that when the baby arrives there will be no smoking at all around him (which i agree with) but he is taking it to the extreme. he is saying that his mum will have to go outside of the house. she lives in a flat and it will mean she will have to come right down and smoke in the street. she is digging her heels in and saying she will go into the kitchen, close the door and smoke out of the window. my OH and the MIL have argued about it constantly and its really stressing me out.

my mum will agree no problem. i have no idea how im going to approach the subject with my dad although it is easier for him as he has a conservatory and back garden.

all the worrying about this putting a big dampner on the birth was bad enough but the other day he came home and said that someone at work said that you shoudn't let them hold a baby after they have been smoking because of the particles and today at lunch with friends another said the same. now my OH is saying that they wont be able to smoke at all.

i feel so sad and depressed about it all. its making me dread the birth now as i can see family arguments starting!

i know deep down OH is probably right but it all feels too extreme. what do you girls honestly think?

btw he is an ex-smoker and i've never smoked.

xxx

 

[littlemiss83]

Its one of those tricky situations isn't it. Your OH is maybe being a bit ott about it, but at least he's looking out for you and baby.

My OH smokes, luckily with the way our house is, the kitchen is quite far from rest of rooms and very long. OH would go into kitchen to smoke when our daughter was born. He had to make sure the window was swung right open. btw we're in a flat and dont have a garden. MW said this was fine, as no smoke was near baby in living room or bedroom. She said as long as he washes his hands with soap and water afterwards and changes his t.shirt it is fine. He couldn't sleep in the same bed as her either, which was fine as I was breast feeding anyway. It isn't as strict when they get older with regards to sleeping together. Oh and in the kitchen MW said he had to put all baby equipment ect in the cupboards first...bottles, dummy's ect.

Depending on the lay-out of your MIL's house, they may be able to smoke in the kitchen if its not too close to other rooms?

 

[positivity :)]

Thing is I think if she's in another room it's ok. Part of me thinks my OH is using it to get at his mum, they have a difficult relationship. Such an annoying subject isn't it xx

 

[LikeJohnnYoko]

Honestly, I'd be inclined to agree with your OH on this. I wouldn't find them smoking in another room to be an acceptable solution to me. However I am quite sensitive about it as smoking did have an affect on both myself and one of my sisters and being around smoke makes me feel sick.

My Fiancé is an ex-smoker. He gave up of his own choice last year. Before he gave up I fully expected him (and expect any smoking friends) to smoke in the garden not near the house.

I would be fine either asking them to smoke outside or if they were not comfortable with that, suggesting they spend their time with the baby at my house or a non smoking relatives house.

 

[pinkyprincess]

I quit when I found out about the baby as did OH. My family are very against smoking but his family all smoke. They try not to smoke around me (well his mum tells his bros and sisters off and makes them leave the room) but his nan still does around me. They don't know it yet but when he's born I will be asking them to smoke outside when the baby's over no exceptions. My OH has really bad asthma and I don't want to take chances with the baby. When he's older he can make his choice if he minds being around smokers or not. But I don't think it's fair inflicting it on a child that can't make a choice.

 

[Susanne]

It is a tricky situation, and I understand that it can be really difficult to confront your parents (and parents-in-law), especially when they are a bit stuck in their ways and used to being the ones who say what's what. The thing is, I have also heard from quite a variety of sources that if you have had a cigarette it stays in your breath for up to 2 hours, and that you therefore shouldn't come near a baby during that time since passive smoking is just as dangerous as active smoking, if not more so. Which makes it really difficult with grandparents, of course. Personally I would think it is unrealistic to expect your parents and parents-in-law to stop smoking completely, but if you tell them that they won't come near your baby for 2 hours after having had a fag, that might be an incentive for them to cut down? And I think you may well find it easier to put your foot down once your baby is born, I am usually a rather shy person and don't speak up to my rather domineering family if it can be avoided, but when I had my daughter I transformed into this ferocious tiger who would attack anybody harming her cub without even giving it a second thought. It's instinct!

 

[knopk@]

I think your OH is right on this occasion, smokers should not even be be near or breath on a child, it can affect your baby. If they do smoke, outside is definitely where I would tell them to go.

 

[ChrissieCool]

My hubby is a heavy smoker, about 30 to 40 a day, been trying to get him to cut down for his own sake as I know he would never smoke around the baby and never did around my other 3 he always smoked in a different room with the window open and they are all fine and healthy as long as it's not in the room with the baby or near the baby I don't have much of a problem with it.

 

[positivity :)]

thanks girls, i hope your right susanne and i feel able to put my foot down once baby is here.

funny thing is, i have asthma myself and was bought up around smoke so i know i shouldn't let my baby anywhere near it.

more than anything i feel that when the baby is here i dont want any arguments.

xx

 

[Zazu]

I completely agree with your OH, it's a small sacrifice for both your parents to make for their grandchilds health. People are not supposed to go near a baby after smoking for at least 45 mins, as they are still breathing out dangerous chemicals for this time. My MIL is a smoker and she goes outside then doesn't go near zac for an hour, she is fine with it, because his health is more important than having a cigarette x

 

[angelmma]

I feel really strongly about this, as although my dad smokes, he does so out in the garden, never in the house as does my OH's mother. But when my DD was a baby and my ex was living at his parents, the entire family used to smoke. They thought that just because they sat in the kitchen and she was in the living room, it was ok. But they had the door still open and hardly any ventalation going on. As a non-smoker I smell smoke really easily and I always found it over powering in that house. And no matter how many times I used to ask them they never washed their hands after smoking before they held DD. my DD devloped asthma as a child, but now that she is hardly ever over there, she doesnt need an inhaler anymore. xxx

 

[titch]

Ive heard the same. The chemicals are on your clothes and your breath for 45 mins after smoking. It increases the chance of cot death so I understand your OH wants to do everything he can to prevent that. It must be hard for you cos youre stuck between your OH and your Dad. Maybe see if you can get a leaflet about it printed off from the internet, so youve got somewhere to start a conversation with your dad, ask him his opinions and what he thinks is reasonable for him to do when LO is here.

 

[positivity :)]

thanks girls, i feel bad now for not agreeing with OH, he keeps saying to me 'i can't beleive you dont agree' i do agree but just dreading the conversations. xx

 

[Pickledonions]

its a very hard sunject. My best friend/cousin is a smoker....
She had 3 children and smoked thro everyone of her pregnancies. I know its gonna be so hard when the baby comes but I think Im just gonn have to invite her to mine whereby she will have to smoke outside anyway and not go to hers which is sad. Its also been difficault as she has offered me stuff and I dont want it because she smokes. Her attitiude is totally one of well theres nothing wrong with my 3. No theres not but you were lucky. She smokes in the house all the time around them it makes me so sad.....but its her choice. I think with regards to holding bubba im just gonna have to let her and try and chill a bit. She will literally be the only person who smokes in my immediate friends and family its gonna be hard but I just dont think she will listen to my concerns

 

[littlemiss83]

Thankfully none of us have never had asthma. Its so hard with these things, as everyone has there own rules/restrictions ect.

My parents are totally against smoking ect, and they wont even allow air freshners in the house, they always said air freshners are bad for baby, causes asthma ect - might be something worth thinking about for those ladies that use them and are concerned about asthma, anyway, they never allowed either anywhere near their kids and my wee brother had very bad asthma, sometimes it just happens and its not connected with smoking.

As long as you follow the rules set out by your MW/Health visitor it will be fine, they know whats best for baby. I think when it comes to someone u dont see very often holding baby say 20 mins after having a smoke (for example) the risks are very small, compared to walking down the street and being hit with exhaust fumes from the big cars/lorries. it would only be if it was someone who is always in babies life you'd need to worry about it.

 

[titch]

I know the risks would be small, but if the worst happened, I just couldnt bear the thought.

 

[HeppiBean]

Firstly, sorry for poking my nose in tri 2... Lol...

I agree with you OH to an extent... Smoking around baby is OBVIOUSLY wrong and I don't want anyone to be smoking around my little girl when she arrives.

On the other hand my OH is a smoker himself (although trying to give up ) and the majority of the time I will be asking him to go outside but if it's raining or ridiculously cold etc... I'm fine with him having a quick fag out the bathroom window (rest of our flat is open plan)...

At the end of the day... When a smoker is in their own home, if they want a fag you can't FORCE them to go outside... At your home then obviously you can...

Just have a chat with your OH, say you understand but you don't want any arguments etc... I'm sure he'll understand

Good luck xx

Edit: Oh yeah, and in regards to holding baby... I've never heard anything against it personally... And so long as it's been long enough since they had a fag that they don't stink of it anymore I don't mind But I don't want my lovely little girl smelling of smoke! xx

 

[littlemiss83]

My OH has drastically cut down too, to only 6 odd a day which is excellent compared to 20.

If my MW/HV came after birth and said, i'd advise absolutely no smoking in the kitchen (even though its far from where baby will be) or if she says OH shouldn't hold him/her til after an 1/2 hours, we'd both be 100% fine about that. I wasn't told anything about waiting 1/2 hours after a smoke, with first, all she said was that OH shouldn't hold her directly after a smoke, we had a general rule that he would sit and have a cup of tea and change clothes ect first, so it normally was anywhere between 30/40 mins. If she was overly concerned about it i'm sure she would have said...wait for exactly 2 hours til you hold baby. I specifically remember her giving OH the orders when she was round, but as I said, nothing about not being allowed in kitchen or having to wait 2 hours ect, only the things ive mentioned like waiting a wee while, washing hands and changing t.shirt.

 

[Bunnykins]

I really feel for you Pos, I am in a similar situation, my Mum smokes and whilst I have been pregnant she has been going in the kitchen (or garden if its nice weather) so she has made a real effort to not expose me to it when we go visit. However her and my Dad are of the generation with the view that people have smoked for years and babies are born fine everyday, she smoked when pregnant with my sister and me and apparantly we are 'fine'. My Dad actually said to me the other day that he didnt see what the fuss was about that years ago when people didnt know smoking was bad that babies were born fine and there isnt a whole generation that is smaller than average or more health problems because of this and so what if a few babies had problems the majority were fine so whats the fuss!!!! My problem is that although Mum will agree to smoke in a different room when baby is round I dont think she will agree to changing her clothes or avoiding the baby 2 hours after a cigarette etc they will just say that is overreacting and I am being pathetic, plus their house stinks of smoke so when you have been round you still come home smelling of smoke even if she has been going in the kitchen.
With their attitude to smoking if I say anything they will just tell me I am being stupid and fall out with me (already been told I am pathetic for avoiding laying on my back in tri 3, as I am taking my MW advise too seriously apparantly!) I just know there will be a huge argument and fall out when the baby is here as they are expecting to have him round at theirs all the time and my OH and me are not happy with it, but I dont like confrontation and wont dare say anything but I know he will.
Sometimes I just wish that it was just me my OH and baby and no one else had to be involved it would be so much easier!!!

 

[titch]

actually though, there has been a huge increase in cancer and other health problems in our generation.

also found this "stillbirth rates are actually declining - by about 17.4% between 1995 and 2009 -" http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13068789

and this

Is cot death on the decline?
The rate remained fairly constant in and at about two per 1,000 live births from 1971 to 1988, and then began to decline. The rate has fallen by around 65% since the advice on reducing the risk of cot death started being known from 1988. http://fsid.org.uk/page.aspx?pid=404

I dunno when advice re smoking and babies risks came out, would be good if it was 1988 eh?!

If you show them these sites they cant really argue with you!