Mrs Piggy
Member
- Joined
- May 9, 2012
- Messages
- 12
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A friend/member on here said it might make me feel good if i came on here and talked about all the things that have happened over the last yr or so for me as sometimes it does get me down and i think it might help to share it with those who dont really know me.
Me and OH already have a 2.5yr old called Oliver, but we started TTC number 2 from june last yr we fell very quickly, i got my bfp at the beginning of august 2011 and initially it felt normal, i had symptoms that were much stronger than id experience with Olli and they started honestly at 4dpo so i didnt even need a test to tell me i was pg. But as the weeks went on i couldnt help feeling that i didnt have a connection with the baby, i was excited or bonded with the fact i was pregnant and i put it down to feeling so so ill all the time and having olli to look after.
Nothing made me think something was physically wrong it just mentally/ emotionally felt wrong for me not to feel a connection id expected to feel and this got me very down and i ended up buying a sleepsuit to see if that made me feel any more connected, but it didnt it felt wrong buying it and like i couldve been buying it for anyones baby. It didnt feel exciting or special just very weird.
I even felt the baby wriggle at about 11weeks but even that didnt really get me too excited or make me feel all warm n fuzzy n emotional towards the bump. The night before our 12 week scan i couldnt sleep, i remember when we were just leaving for the hospital that i said to OH ' its going to be a good day!' trying to force being excited n sorta asking him so it would be ok, but i drove there and my stomach was just filled with dread and nerves, i still had no reason to think things wouldnt be ok, but i guess something in the back of my mind knew otherwise and had done from the minute i got my BFP. My knees are going to jelly just thinking about it.
So we went in and i mmediately knew something was wrong even before she started to scan me, the scanographer seemed to be overly forcing her cheerfulness, it felt weird, like i could sense something and it hadnt even been said or expressed yet. She told us that my 10week bloods showed levels to be of an 8 week amount. The math didnt add up, i had my booking in at 8 weeks which id made at 6 weeks, waited 2 weeks to get my bloods done at when i was 10 weeks, if the bloods were only 8 weeks then thatd mean idve been booking to see a mw at 4 weeks and getting my BFP even before id ovulated that cycle. See the math doesnt add up does it.
She started scanning me and pressing hard and jiggling it and she said she wasnt sure that she could see a heartbeat, but that it might just be the baby was in an awkward position. I knew and she knew that it wasnt an awkard position. I just lay there in silence, couldnt move just nod when she said shed go and get someone else. My body felt like a leady weight, OH was trying to stay positive saying it was ok, and i just shook my head and started to cry. We were taken to the EPU for an internal scan, and they confirmed that the baby had grown to 12 weeks +3 which by my dates meant we'd lost him in the hours before the scan, i guess i know now thats the reason i couldnt sleep. Walking back thru that waiting room knowing youve got your baby inside you but that theyre not ok and you just feel like youre dying from the inside out, i never want to experience that every again.
Ive missed him more than anything since then and i like to call him Sam, he wouldve been due April 13th 2012 and since his DD has been i have felt much better, like a wieghts gone off my shoulders.
We did get our 12 week scan pic if i have nothing else i have them, and Sam is always here in some ways
Sorry its so so long, well done if you read all that. xx
Me and OH already have a 2.5yr old called Oliver, but we started TTC number 2 from june last yr we fell very quickly, i got my bfp at the beginning of august 2011 and initially it felt normal, i had symptoms that were much stronger than id experience with Olli and they started honestly at 4dpo so i didnt even need a test to tell me i was pg. But as the weeks went on i couldnt help feeling that i didnt have a connection with the baby, i was excited or bonded with the fact i was pregnant and i put it down to feeling so so ill all the time and having olli to look after.
Nothing made me think something was physically wrong it just mentally/ emotionally felt wrong for me not to feel a connection id expected to feel and this got me very down and i ended up buying a sleepsuit to see if that made me feel any more connected, but it didnt it felt wrong buying it and like i couldve been buying it for anyones baby. It didnt feel exciting or special just very weird.
I even felt the baby wriggle at about 11weeks but even that didnt really get me too excited or make me feel all warm n fuzzy n emotional towards the bump. The night before our 12 week scan i couldnt sleep, i remember when we were just leaving for the hospital that i said to OH ' its going to be a good day!' trying to force being excited n sorta asking him so it would be ok, but i drove there and my stomach was just filled with dread and nerves, i still had no reason to think things wouldnt be ok, but i guess something in the back of my mind knew otherwise and had done from the minute i got my BFP. My knees are going to jelly just thinking about it.
So we went in and i mmediately knew something was wrong even before she started to scan me, the scanographer seemed to be overly forcing her cheerfulness, it felt weird, like i could sense something and it hadnt even been said or expressed yet. She told us that my 10week bloods showed levels to be of an 8 week amount. The math didnt add up, i had my booking in at 8 weeks which id made at 6 weeks, waited 2 weeks to get my bloods done at when i was 10 weeks, if the bloods were only 8 weeks then thatd mean idve been booking to see a mw at 4 weeks and getting my BFP even before id ovulated that cycle. See the math doesnt add up does it.
She started scanning me and pressing hard and jiggling it and she said she wasnt sure that she could see a heartbeat, but that it might just be the baby was in an awkward position. I knew and she knew that it wasnt an awkard position. I just lay there in silence, couldnt move just nod when she said shed go and get someone else. My body felt like a leady weight, OH was trying to stay positive saying it was ok, and i just shook my head and started to cry. We were taken to the EPU for an internal scan, and they confirmed that the baby had grown to 12 weeks +3 which by my dates meant we'd lost him in the hours before the scan, i guess i know now thats the reason i couldnt sleep. Walking back thru that waiting room knowing youve got your baby inside you but that theyre not ok and you just feel like youre dying from the inside out, i never want to experience that every again.
Ive missed him more than anything since then and i like to call him Sam, he wouldve been due April 13th 2012 and since his DD has been i have felt much better, like a wieghts gone off my shoulders.
We did get our 12 week scan pic if i have nothing else i have them, and Sam is always here in some ways
Sorry its so so long, well done if you read all that. xx
xx
