caught my bf trying to cheat & I don't know what to do

[kat1988]

basically it's oh's birthday on tues so we AT&T couple of his mates went out for drinks last night, I came home early so he could have some lads time & I dont drink atm anyway, he comes in at 3am smashed which is fine & I was expecting it, I went back to bed after letting him in but couldn't sleep cos he was talking really loudly, I was half way down the stairs on my way to tell him to shut up when I heard what he was saying so I sat and listened for a few mins.

I'm not going to write ere what was said but it was VERY sexually explicit, I think I actually felt my heart fall out my chest while I was sat there.

after a few mins I came downstairs, he ended the call as I asked what he was doing, I took his fone off him and looked on his calls list and at messages they'd sent to each other and it seems like just a drunken fone call and he probably wouldn't of called her or said those things sober. We had a mini arguement but he kept avoiding questions, I'm not sure if that's the alcohol or him being evasive. either way he's snoring now so I'll take this up with him tomorrow

I have no idea what to do though, he's a massive idiot but I love him so much, should I just put it down to drunkeness and nothing really happened and forgive him? I've since been through his phone, Facebook, emails etc (which is not something I would ever normally do) and can't find any other suggestion he's cheated or done anything wrong.

I just can't believe he would even think about doing this

 

[LikeJohnnYoko]

I would be beyond angry, because I believe drunk or not, we all have a choice when it comes to flirting etc and alcohol is not an excuse for doing that kind of thing. I don't hold my H to any less of a standard because he's b been drinking, in fact probably to a higher standard.

If your OH can't handle the responsibility of your relationship when drunk, he shouldn't be drinking or going on nights out with his mates. Alcohol is not a hall pass for shitty behaviour.

 

[kat1988]

I agree, I don't think alcohol is a valid excuse at all! thank u, I think I just needed someone else to say that!

 

[MrsHop]

To be completely honest, I'd pack his bags. He'd have to do a lot to get back in my good books after that and some time apart helps in my opinion!

 

[CARNAT22]

Who the Hell was he on the phone to?

Someone you know?

Were there any dodgy texts?

Was everything confined to that one night? (you didn't see messages from a few days / weeks ago that lead you to think this has happened before?)

To be honest I would go berserk, it is a betrayal of you trust.

It is up to you how you proceed though. If you think he can earn your trust back then give it a go but once trust has been broken it can be very hard to repair.

xxxxxx

 

[SunnySue]

Gosh you sound like you remained so calm, i would have been livid! Like ljy said, being drink is not an excuse to behave how you like, it does not excuse his actions. I would be having some VERY stern words with him at the very least.
I hope you get things sorted, you really should not have to put up with this kind if crap x

 

[redbear]

His bags would be packed. My trust would be gone, before then he could have deleted any messages or phone calls maybe he only got caught because he was drunk,
If men if a lad randomly called you drunk would you start talking dirty to him? it normally takes more than that to get on to phone sex, at least id think he had been flirting with her for a while. it just doesn't sit right with me. its not a thing you just do out of the blue.

And drink is no excuse ive been drunk many times but never ever done anything like that with another man, Its not an excuse at all I think it is actually offensive to men to think there animals that cant contain there knobs and will let them loose after a couple of bevy's, men aren't that stupid and as much as people want us to belive it they are not lead by there dicks any more than we are controlled by our foof. I hope you alright, sorry about the rant xx

 

[kat1988]

tbh if it wasn't for our daughter I'd already have packed his bags, but I'm Ill so can't look after her by myself at the moment (no family/friends can help either) from the conversation and the texts between them it was all one sided (him to her) I don't think she responded not that that makes it any better, I know of her, he used to work with her a few years ago and is kinda still in touch but she lives the other side of the country and is happily married.

we talked briefly earlier and he just says he doesn't really remember except for me crying alot, I refuse to fight in front of the small one so have dropped it untill she's in bed, we'll see what happens later

 

[LikeJohnnYoko]

tbh if it wasn't for our daughter I'd already have packed his bags, but I'm Ill so can't look after her by myself at the moment (no family/friends can help either) from the conversation and the texts between them it was all one sided (him to her) I don't think she responded not that that makes it any better, I know of her, he used to work with her a few years ago and is kinda still in touch but she lives the other side of the country and is happily married.

we talked briefly earlier and he just says he doesn't really remember except for me crying alot, I refuse to fight in front of the small one so have dropped it untill she's in bed, we'll see what happens later

I'd make it plain to him that not remembering it isn't an excuse and doesn't avoid the conversation you will be having, that he has hurt you badly and his behaviour could have serious repercussions for her marriage by him ringing her up in the small hours talking like that.

 

[diane]

Kat I'm so sorry this must be horrible for you Hun xxx

If this was my hubby I would def pack his bags. As some of the ladies have said, trust would be broken here and I know that [as a person I am] even if I could "forgive" I could never forget and our relationship as it is now would be destroyed as I think I'd be constantly checking his phone/questioning him etc.

 

[redbear]

The fact that your ill looking after your baby makes it 10x worse hugs xx

 

[mylullaby]

Aww, I really feel for you hun. What an absolute knob. I agree with the other posts - being drunk isn't an excuse and just because his memory is hazy, doesn't mean he hasn't hurt you. He needs to know exactly how serious this is for you - that it's not going to get swept under the carpet just because he would like it to.

If you can't bare to pack his things, then focus on the seriousness of the situation, because you must be heartbroken and he should know what he's done - make sure he's under no illusion about the time and effort it'll take to repair the damage that's been done to your relationship. If he can't see what he's done wrong, or won't accept how serious it is for you, then maybe it's time to consider your future together?

 

[HopesDreams]

Kat, I just seen this now. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything you've been through recently. What an absolute plank he is!
The girls have given some really sound advice but it's up to you how you move forward. He clearly doesn't realise how lucky he is to have you, you're a wee star.

 

[kat1988]

thanks for all the replies, you all badically have said what i was thinking but my head wasnt thinking straight enough to think it (i hope that makes sense!)

we did talk last night and as I don't have the option of packing his bags atm he's staying, he's been on his best behaviour today & he knows I don't trust him & he wouldn't be here am if I had the choice. I'm not sure if we'll stay together now as I don't trust him at all, I had the urge to go through his phone earlier when he left the room which isn't me at all, and he had to go out last night, the whole time I was thinking 'what's he up to now' again not like me and not exactly signs of a good relationship! we'll just have to see how things go for now.

On the plus side I have a really comfy double bed all to myself for the foreseeable future and the only snoring I heard last night came from my daughter! xxx

 

[CARNAT22]

from the conversation and the texts between them it was all one sided (him to her) I don't think she responded not that that makes it any better, I know of her, he used to work with her a few years ago and is kinda still in touch but she lives the other side of the country and is happily married.

She is probably as mortified as you are (albeit for different reasons)

My OH wouldn't be happy if some bloke I worked with years ago rang me up pissed and started saying unrepeatable things of a sexual nature.

Sorry, I know this wont make you feel any better.

I guess the only upside is that you know it was "all talk" but my worry would be what if next time it wasn't just a one sided drunken phone call???

xxxxxxx

 

[redbear]

from the conversation and the texts between them it was all one sided (him to her) I don't think she responded not that that makes it any better, I know of her, he used to work with her a few years ago and is kinda still in touch but she lives the other side of the country and is happily married.

She is probably as mortified as you are (albeit for different reasons)

My OH wouldn't be happy if some bloke I worked with years ago rang me up pissed and started saying unrepeatable things of a sexual nature.

Sorry, I know this wont make you feel any better.

I guess the only upside is that you know it was "all talk" but my worry would be what if next time it wasn't just a one sided drunken phone call???

xxxxxxx

I think my issue wuld be what if he had done it in person to someone easy? he obviously isn't afrid to try even with a married woman tucked up in bed. I would freak if oh got a call like that even if he was innocent! personally I don't think I would be trusting him again, if his excuse is drink he should be quite happy not to drink again for you. My oh was a dick when drunk (arguing etc) so stopped, its a simple solution if they want to use it as an excuse. and our relationship has never been better.

 

[babyem]

Hugs hun xx

 

[Tommo]

Jesus Christ, surely you deserve someone who's capable of being faithful to you when they're drunk, not just sober?
I don't know about you, but when I'm drunk I'm just a bolder extension of myself when I'm sober. I don't become a different person, I'm just myself... With more confidence.

Why is kicking him out not an option? Yeah, it would make things difficult but is living with someone who is capable of cheating not pretty difficult? I know which one I'd rather.

Sorry this is blunt and quite coarse but I don't believe there is a soft, fluffy side to this where it's all okay. People, men who are capable of something like that destroy people, they turn healthy women into wrecks. Because they're selfish and on his birthday, all he was thinkin about what getting his dick into someone. No consideration to partner or baby. And if he thinks he can get away with it (if he has gotten away with it) he will do it again because men are made solidly of pride.

I would bet a lot of money that this isn't the first thing he's done, he's just a master of covering up. Let's face it, had you not stumbled on that conversation you still would Be none the wiser. Does he have an iPhone? Have you checked the backups on your PC? That's how I found out that the love of my life, man I married, father of my child was actually a monster. And it started from my accidentally reading one text which he hadn't deleted.

 

[redbear]

Omg tommo hugs! .... you wrote that like a story I could picture it happening and that's horrible xx

 

[kat1988]

I guess the only upside is that you know it was "all talk" but my worry would be what if next time it wasn't just a one sided drunken phone call???

xxxxxxx

this was one of my thoughts, if he did just call her out of the blue, it could quite easily have been someone that lived closer and was a little easier and then would he have ended up cheating on me when I was asleep upstairs!? I can't bear that thought.

Tommo- I'm really sorry that happened to u, your ex is a dick! I've checked everything of his the same night and there's no sign of anything suspicious, I know his passwords to everything anyway just cos I've had to find info/phone numbers etc for him when he's been at work before, but I checked his laptop incase he had secret accounts and he doesn't.

basically I can't chuck him out cos I'm on medication which sometimes makes me drowsy and go into deep sleeps, if this happens it's like being passed out so There has to be someone else in the house incase the baby needs anything, I slept for 18 hours one day last week, so if he hadnt been here the baby wouldn't have been fed or looked after, which is obviously not an option!