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- Sep 15, 2010
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I got my BFP on CD98, we were TTC since last July/beginning of August and with my irregular cycles, it was a bit hit and miss with ovulation etc and a *lot* of waiting!
After giving up hoping we were pregnant, even with the symptoms I had, we decided to do one last test just to check. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw a pink line slowly getting darker! I was in disbelief for the rest of the day, constantly telling myself "omg I'm pregnant, actually pregnant" and after a while of telling myself it was a real positive and this was it, I felt like I'd bonded with my little shy bean.
We have no idea how far we were though which made me feel like a pleb cos I'd already felt a connection with my bean even though there was a possibility little bean was only just starting to grow. It didn't matter though cos it was my baby from the second we concieved.
The next few days seemed to drag and I even ordered a couple of Mothercare catalogues which was a bit of a silly thing to do in hindsight but I was so excited and I couldn't wait to start planning for little bean's arrival.
We decided to tell my parents last Wednesday and they were over the moon for us.
Unfortunately, my little bean really was too shy.
The very next day I started bleeding and it has continued since. I've lost clots, had cramps and aches and even had a big lump of bloody jelly stuff hanging out of me a few times. Over the weekend every time I moved or stood up, it felt like I was wetting myself but no...I was bleeding.
We did another test on the Friday as we had always intended. It was a clear negative - my little shy bean had gone.
I suppose I'm still clinging to hope...Wondering whether the test was affected by the blood in my urine as the wee in the pot was just red. Wondering whether somehow, miraculously, my bean has hung on. Wondering whether I'll be able to face TTC all over again.
I feel so lucky to have even had a positive test in the first place...but then I feel so hurt that it was taken away from me less than a week later.
At the moment, we've decided to put TTC on hold. I feel so empty and I hate the loneliness of knowing my bean's gone and I can't feel that connection anymore.
The idea of trying again feels weird...I can't quite explain it but it just feels so...strange and I don't really know why.
Can't believe I'm posting in here but I feel a little better for getting it off my chest.
x x
After giving up hoping we were pregnant, even with the symptoms I had, we decided to do one last test just to check. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw a pink line slowly getting darker! I was in disbelief for the rest of the day, constantly telling myself "omg I'm pregnant, actually pregnant" and after a while of telling myself it was a real positive and this was it, I felt like I'd bonded with my little shy bean.
We have no idea how far we were though which made me feel like a pleb cos I'd already felt a connection with my bean even though there was a possibility little bean was only just starting to grow. It didn't matter though cos it was my baby from the second we concieved.
The next few days seemed to drag and I even ordered a couple of Mothercare catalogues which was a bit of a silly thing to do in hindsight but I was so excited and I couldn't wait to start planning for little bean's arrival.
We decided to tell my parents last Wednesday and they were over the moon for us.
Unfortunately, my little bean really was too shy.
The very next day I started bleeding and it has continued since. I've lost clots, had cramps and aches and even had a big lump of bloody jelly stuff hanging out of me a few times. Over the weekend every time I moved or stood up, it felt like I was wetting myself but no...I was bleeding.
We did another test on the Friday as we had always intended. It was a clear negative - my little shy bean had gone.
I suppose I'm still clinging to hope...Wondering whether the test was affected by the blood in my urine as the wee in the pot was just red. Wondering whether somehow, miraculously, my bean has hung on. Wondering whether I'll be able to face TTC all over again.
I feel so lucky to have even had a positive test in the first place...but then I feel so hurt that it was taken away from me less than a week later.
At the moment, we've decided to put TTC on hold. I feel so empty and I hate the loneliness of knowing my bean's gone and I can't feel that connection anymore.
The idea of trying again feels weird...I can't quite explain it but it just feels so...strange and I don't really know why.
Can't believe I'm posting in here but I feel a little better for getting it off my chest.
x x
Take all the time you need for you and hubby to come to terms with your loss. It does get easier over time (I still have weepy moments). Sending you lots of hugs 
