Squiglet said:*sigh... ok thought I should post something although...I'm not sure why....I have a funny feeling that it shall fall on deaf ears. but Here it goes.
Breezee.... you can't just keep lashing out, because you feel bitter and angry and jealous. That will just eat you up in side... And WHEN you do get pregnant, that will not be a good emotional state for you to be in. If the way you speak on here is the result of the pain of the miscarriages and your partner is suffering from the same, I can understand why he is reluctant to risk further miscarriages. This is just destroying you but it doesn't need to be that way.
My mother in order had 5 miscarriages, a still born baby, me, a baby with Trisomy 18 who died at four months, and a further two miscarriages.
She told me that she never thought that god would ever give her a child. She suffered depression. Her relationship with my father was strained and after they had had a series of miscarriages the first time (5 in all), my mum agreed to have some "down time". She said she needed a rest from the strain of constantly trying, but more so... constantly worrying every time she got pregnant. She was tired and angry. She felt empty and destroyed. She wondered what she had done to deserve this. She saw babies and pregnant women wherever she went. This is what other people on this forum are trying to advise you about... You need some down time, to get over this hurdle, time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again.
Back in the day when my mum had her miscarriages the hospitals put you onto the same ward as women who had had selective abortions, and yes.. my mother admits HATING these women for giving up the babies, she so desperately wanted.
These babies whom you have lost were YOUR babies. No one can take that from you. My mother counts all her miscarriages as her babies, but the most painful thing for her was my sister dying... even I remember her tiny little white and pink coffin, being lowered into the ground.
But things DO happen for a reason... My mum fought to have me, including spending 7 months in hospital not moving. And eventually, she got me but she had to suffer terrible losses in order to win. Maybe you will have to do that too. Are you ready for that?
After my sister was born, my mother had a further two miscarriages when she decided that God had only wanted her to have one child. But she desperately wanted more children and if my mum had not had my sister who died, she would never have adopted my handicapped brother and sister... and given them a wonderful life. What seemed like a great tragedy turned out to have a great impact on her future happiness.
You cannot foresee the future Breezee, no one can... I too have suffered my losses, but not anywhere near the scale of my mother, and for that I am truly grateful , because when my life was at it's darkest... I knew it could be far worse.
Remember that a lot of people on this forum have been in the exact same situation as you are in right now... I know that they may now have babies and be pregnant, but there was a time when they didn't. They know how you feel. Try to see them as the light at the end of the tunnel, your ability to succeed in the future. And take their advice as to what they did to cope with the loss. And what if you don't succeed I hear you say.... Well you wouldn't be the first nor the last woman in history....
If you have been ready to have children for four years, you must have a lot of love to give and a wonderful home. There are thousands upon millions of unwanted babies... in the States and otherwise, desperate for a mummy to come along and save them...
They might not be biologically yours, but your love for them will be no different... and you will always have the knowledge that you saved them from a fate possibly worse than death... growing up in care, possibly suffering terrible abuse... your experience with death and grief will help these children enormously. And no mother could ever give a greater gift to a child.
Look forwards, not backwards, or you'll miss the future coming straight towards you. And it's coming Breezee, it just won't be how you expected it to arrive and you just need to be patient
What a wonderful, heartfelt and truly moving post Squiglet. Your mum is one incredible lady, and obviously a most fantastic mother....you are testimony to that.
Breezee, I hope this post gives you some hope, it should do. There's always hope.......
Your post made me cry, That's exactly what my sister had, Edwards (Trisomy 18 ). They didn't have tests back then... so my mum had the baby... But unfortunately with all babies with Trisomy 18, they die. When they did the autopsy on my sister they said she had suffered terribly in her short life because of her deformities all through her tiny body and he couldn't believe she had been born at all...It always upset my mother. 
