A few Queries from a first time mummy to be

[determined79]

Hi All you mummies to be!!

I'm a first time mummy to be and as you'd expect I have a head full of questions about the happy event and I'm reaching out for some help and advice if possible please?

I had my first Doctors appointment yesterday and confirmed around 9 weeks so waiting for the midwife to ring today, I'm a bag of nerves, worried about everything at the min..I'm an older mummy at 37 and DH is 46.

DH has two daughters from a previous marriage that are 22 +20 -Has anyone experience with announcing a pregnancy to step kids? I'm absolutely terrified they will take it badly and fall out with their dad (As they have been prone to do about any little thing thanks to his poisonous ex) Its kind of putting a downer on my experience and I just want to get it over with when the time is right.........It doesnt help that I work with the youngest daughter as well after getting her some work experience when she was going through a bad time so if its a bad reaction I'll have to live it every day!!

Appreciate any advice

 

[snowbee]

No useful advice I'm afraid (also hopefully a first timer and slightly older, I'll be 35 if all goes well and my oh will be 40). Your step daughters are adults so they should find it easier to accept and deal with than much younger children.

How long have you been with your oh? Have they had plenty of time to realise that children could well be an option for you?

I would expect them to behave like adults and realise that their dad won't love them any less, I assume they don't live with you and have left home at that age although I know a lot of people don't leave until later on these days.

 

[determined79]

No useful advice I'm afraid (also hopefully a first timer and slightly older, I'll be 35 if all goes well and my oh will be 40). Your step daughters are adults so they should find it easier to accept and deal with than much younger children.

How long have you been with your oh? Have they had plenty of time to realise that children could well be an option for you?

I would expect them to behave like adults and realise that their dad won't love them any less, I assume they don't live with you and have left home at that age although I know a lot of people don't leave until later on these days.

Hi Snowbee,

Congratulations - Nice to meet another older mummy-to-be

I've been with my DH for 5 years, only three which they are aware of due to the problems their mother caused. They wont think that children were on the cards as I've never been overly maternal or expressed a desire to have children - until I fell pregnant I didnt even realise how much I wanted it - its a running joke that I "dont do kids" so I'm guessing it will be a surprise. As you say you'd hope being adults that live with their own partners that they would be mature about it - I know the younger one can be a real prima donna sometimes though.

I just want to enjoy this pregnancy and not be worrying about other peoples opinions and petty mindedness

 

[Papermoon]

Hi Determined. Congrats on the pregnancy. Since your step kids are adults, I think they should handle it much better than children would. Even if you never indicated that you might have kids, they had to know it's a possibility since they know and understand biology as adults. They should know and understand that that could be a possibility. So it shouldn't come as a big shock to them at all. The one that works with you should be grateful that you helped her get that job so she shouldn't act too badly towards you because of it.

 

[determined79]

Hi Determined. Congrats on the pregnancy. Since your step kids are adults, I think they should handle it much better than children would. Even if you never indicated that you might have kids, they had to know it's a possibility since they know and understand biology as adults. They should know and understand that that could be a possibility. So it shouldn't come as a big shock to them at all. The one that works with you should be grateful that you helped her get that job so she shouldn't act too badly towards you because of it.

Hi Papermoon,
Thank you for your kind words. You would think that they would be gracious and adult but they are very self absorbed and often prissy -raised to believe ithat they have all the priveledge etc. Plus they are very much guided by their mothers opinions which always try to have them at odds with their dad.
Only today I've sat here listening to her talking with another office member about how its ridiculous people having kids late in life, too old etc etc etc....

 

[snowbee]

It is hard to predict how people may react but as long as you remember it really isn't anything to do with them, they are never going to have to live with your child and it is up to them as to whether they wish to have a relationship with their half sibling.

When the time is right I would just keep it simple and say there is a little one on the way and that it is totally up to them how much they wish to be involved, say they are welcome to be included in your family but if they feel they don't want to then that is also fine.

If they are going to paint you as the wicked step mother they will do regardless of how you play it so make sure you still enjoy this for you and your oh.

 

[KateK]

They might pleasantly surprise you?! Their mother sounds toxic.. I imagine she's the root of the problem.. You're clearly a really good person for caring so much about how they'll react but as the others have said, don't let it dampen your experience and your prenancy. I had a very negative figure (my older sister) present throughout my first pregnancy and it was unbearable at times. If the snidy remarks start or they do anything to make you feel uncomfotable, put them in their place! xx

 

[Papermoon]

Hi Determined. Congrats on the pregnancy. Since your step kids are adults, I think they should handle it much better than children would. Even if you never indicated that you might have kids, they had to know it's a possibility since they know and understand biology as adults. They should know and understand that that could be a possibility. So it shouldn't come as a big shock to them at all. The one that works with you should be grateful that you helped her get that job so she shouldn't act too badly towards you because of it.

Hi Papermoon,
Thank you for your kind words. You would think that they would be gracious and adult but they are very self absorbed and often prissy -raised to believe ithat they have all the priveledge etc. Plus they are very much guided by their mothers opinions which always try to have them at odds with their dad.
Only today I've sat here listening to her talking with another office member about how its ridiculous people having kids late in life, too old etc etc etc....

Oh wow. Just ignore the things she say. I would just stay away from her as much as possible.

 

[determined79]

Thanks for the advice guys, I'm hoping I'll be surprised and they'll be supportive after the initial (and understandable) shock. They are adults and have their own lives so I'd hope they don't create a major drama, I have always welcomed them and helped them with as much as I can since being with their dad-I even got the younger the job with me to get experience and away from being a server at Burger King. I'm giving it a few more weeks yet anyway, no scan as yet but I am worried about the announcement, like you say, think it needs to be low key and to the point. I want to enjoy my pregnancy though!

 

[Blueclass]

Hi i just wanted to say even if they do start some drama just take a step back. This is a special moment and dont let anyone ruin it for you. They are adults and should act like it. If they dont forget them and move on. Congrats and enjoy x

 

[determined79]

Hi i just wanted to say even if they do start some drama just take a step back. This is a special moment and dont let anyone ruin it for you. They are adults and should act like it. If they dont forget them and move on. Congrats and enjoy x

Aww...Thankyou so much for that, I am going to try. I guess ts difficult working in the same office as one of them so if she does start being awkward it spills into my day to day as well. But I completely agree with what you say

 

[Blueclass]

Well if it does talk to your manager. Regardless of how she feels she has to remain professonal when at work. Let your hubby try first if she dont listen then speak with work. Its not your fault she has or may have a issue its hers. I hope to see an update once you have told them x

 

[determined79]

Well if it does talk to your manager. Regardless of how she feels she has to remain professonal when at work. Let your hubby try first if she dont listen then speak with work. Its not your fault she has or may have a issue its hers. I hope to see an update once you have told them x

Ok, so a little longer than I thought but finally there ld them last week. Eldest was very mature and congratulated us asking I for we were happy and if we were then that's all that mattered, also asked some questions about due dates etc. The youngest (20 yo) stormed out n tears, then came back to the table and said nothing. Work the next day was awful, she completely ignored me, whispered and sniggered with a work colleague, announced loudly that she was trying to get hold of her mum after being told that "shit" last night and made a disgusting comment about Nader her breath about uses for a wire coat hanger. Now the eldest isn't really as communicative as he younger is bending her ear. Everyone else however has been brilliant and us very excited 😌 X

 

[Blueclass]

How sad that she can't be grown up about it, I mean crying that's so pathetic. You should just tell her in front of people to grow and stop looking so silly. Thats a awful comment to make about a coat hanger I think I would have definitely said something. Don't put up with any s*&t from her this is your time don't get the little cow rain on your parade. As for the older one maybe txt her and say something nice like I just wanted to thank you for being mature about this. I know it might be a bit of a shock but having you respond how you hVe has made us feel really happy. X

 

[Eryinera]

How awful of her! I hope she grows up soon.

 

[sarahmc89]

Omg the younger girl sounds like a bit of a brat. I'd report her to a boss she can't make you feel like that full stop but letting it spill into where you both work is not on. Send her back to the grills of burger king see who's laughing then.

P.s. congratulations being pregnant is a magical time so don't let anyone spoil it.

 

[determined79]

Omg the younger girl sounds like a bit of a brat. I'd report her to a boss she can't make you feel like that full stop but letting it spill into where you both work is not on. Send her back to the grills of burger king see who's laughing then.

P.s. congratulations being pregnant is a magical time so don't let anyone spoil it.

Well its gotten worse by the day and she is now not speaking to anyone in our small team of four as they wont be dragged into alienating me like she has and think its great news.
Ive had to lodge a formal grievance as the atmosphere is shocking and awful to come in to - I just cant believe the viciousness of the reaction. She says its disgusting that her dad has ahd more children at his age and he's done wrong by her!! Absolutely mental!!

Either way I am doing my best to enjoy my pregnancy - It'll be the only one I have!!

 

[Keelygracey]

Well its gotten worse by the day and she is now not speaking to anyone in our small team of four as they wont be dragged into alienating me like she has and think its great news.
Ive had to lodge a formal grievance as the atmosphere is shocking and awful to come in to - I just cant believe the viciousness of the reaction. She says its disgusting that her dad has ahd more children at his age and he's done wrong by her!! Absolutely mental!!

Either way I am doing my best to enjoy my pregnancy - It'll be the only one I have!!

So glad to see your pregnancy coming a long nicely, determined! Such a shame about your OH's girl, easier said then done but try and ignore her and enjoy your pregnancy, you don't want it tainted by her petty behaviour.

I finally got my BFP, early days for me but loving every second!

xxxx

 

[determined79]

Well its gotten worse by the day and she is now not speaking to anyone in our small team of four as they wont be dragged into alienating me like she has and think its great news.
Ive had to lodge a formal grievance as the atmosphere is shocking and awful to come in to - I just cant believe the viciousness of the reaction. She says its disgusting that her dad has ahd more children at his age and he's done wrong by her!! Absolutely mental!!

Either way I am doing my best to enjoy my pregnancy - It'll be the only one I have!!

So glad to see your pregnancy coming a long nicely, determined! Such a shame about your OH's girl, easier said then done but try and ignore her and enjoy your pregnancy, you don't want it tainted by her petty behaviour.

I finally got my BFP, early days for me but loving every second!

xxxx

OH WOW - Keeleygrace I am so happy for you!!! I've followed you over the last few weeks to see how you were getting on but missed this news....I am SO chuffed for you. You make sure you enjoy every single minute for this long awaited gift XX How far along are you? Its weird we were both whinging about TTC a few months ago and now we are in the club! Fab X
I am doing my best to ignore her but she is bringing everyone down, and I'm getting stressed, She's a real child - kind thats posts indirect positivity quotes clearly aimed at you on Facebook and the like - Expecting us th chase her round and say sorry our news is so upsetting for you etc etc...and now being nasty and stropping because its not happening.

 

[snowbee]

Sorry to hear she is being a brat. You are doing the right thing though, carry on and enjoy as much as possible. Certainly don't say sorry for your news! Can her Dad talk to her about it, I would say she is more his responsibility to deal with that yours? He could suggest to her that she doesn't get to choose what he wants and he would like her to be involved with her half sibling when they arrive and be the mature big sister that they can look up to?