We have recently found out at our 20 week scan that baby is not going to live. If by a miracle he does make it to full term, he will be severely brain damaged.
I have the choice of waiting for the pregnancy to end naturally or for medical intervention (I know youre not allowed to talk about it on here). We are waiting for our amnio results to come back and our specialist appointment at St Marys Fetal Unit in Manchester on Wednesday to find out why it happened before making a decision. Part of us is still hoping the results will come back and say 'oops we've made a mistake'.
Im now carrying this baby and I just dont know what to feel. He is kicking away, people in queues and shops asking me when Im due, everyone around me who we haven't yet told talking about what we'll call him and talking about things we'll do when he comes. My friend today unknowingly offered me her moses basket, I couldnt bring myself to tell her there won't be a baby to put in it.
I just don't know how I will deal with it. How will I suddenly wake up one day and just not be pregnant anymore. Not have a bump anymore. Put on normal clothes again? What do you say to people in the street when they last saw you with an enormous belly and now its gone?
How do I look at the cot and the little bedroom we just started decorating last week, and the little clothes people bought us when we found out he was a boy a few weeks ago?
Everytime he kicks I just want him to stop. It's like he is tormenting me, saying 'Im still here you know'. I feel completely powerless, he is inside ME and I can't do anything at all to help him. I can't help but blame myself - he was in there for 3 weeks before I even knew he was in there, when his little brain and spine and heart were forming and I was drinking and smoking. Perhaps I should have gone T total as soon as we decided to try for a baby last year. Even though I know this is a genetic problem, I think its my fault.
On Thursday we have a family funeral, my husbands ex will be there who openly hates me as she feels they may have reconciled if we hadn't met. I have to pretend everything is okay. As soon as she finds out about this, she is going to be singing from the rooftops - her hatred and bitterness took a whole new turn once she discovered we were expecting. This will be music to her ears. She gave him a healthy a son, and I can't. They have something together we don't.
There is just too much going around my head. All I want to do is stay in bed and cry.
I feel angry and bitter and nasty towards everybody, Im scared to tell people because I can't handle their sympathy.
How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to behave around people? I just dont know. My heart is just broken :'(
I have the choice of waiting for the pregnancy to end naturally or for medical intervention (I know youre not allowed to talk about it on here). We are waiting for our amnio results to come back and our specialist appointment at St Marys Fetal Unit in Manchester on Wednesday to find out why it happened before making a decision. Part of us is still hoping the results will come back and say 'oops we've made a mistake'.
Im now carrying this baby and I just dont know what to feel. He is kicking away, people in queues and shops asking me when Im due, everyone around me who we haven't yet told talking about what we'll call him and talking about things we'll do when he comes. My friend today unknowingly offered me her moses basket, I couldnt bring myself to tell her there won't be a baby to put in it.
I just don't know how I will deal with it. How will I suddenly wake up one day and just not be pregnant anymore. Not have a bump anymore. Put on normal clothes again? What do you say to people in the street when they last saw you with an enormous belly and now its gone?
How do I look at the cot and the little bedroom we just started decorating last week, and the little clothes people bought us when we found out he was a boy a few weeks ago?
Everytime he kicks I just want him to stop. It's like he is tormenting me, saying 'Im still here you know'. I feel completely powerless, he is inside ME and I can't do anything at all to help him. I can't help but blame myself - he was in there for 3 weeks before I even knew he was in there, when his little brain and spine and heart were forming and I was drinking and smoking. Perhaps I should have gone T total as soon as we decided to try for a baby last year. Even though I know this is a genetic problem, I think its my fault.
On Thursday we have a family funeral, my husbands ex will be there who openly hates me as she feels they may have reconciled if we hadn't met. I have to pretend everything is okay. As soon as she finds out about this, she is going to be singing from the rooftops - her hatred and bitterness took a whole new turn once she discovered we were expecting. This will be music to her ears. She gave him a healthy a son, and I can't. They have something together we don't.
There is just too much going around my head. All I want to do is stay in bed and cry.
I feel angry and bitter and nasty towards everybody, Im scared to tell people because I can't handle their sympathy.
How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to behave around people? I just dont know. My heart is just broken :'(