What do you tell people?

Discussion in 'Coping with Miscarriage & Loss' started by Nikki1985, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. Nikki1985

    Nikki1985 Well-Known Member

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    We have recently found out at our 20 week scan that baby is not going to live. If by a miracle he does make it to full term, he will be severely brain damaged.

    I have the choice of waiting for the pregnancy to end naturally or for medical intervention (I know youre not allowed to talk about it on here). We are waiting for our amnio results to come back and our specialist appointment at St Marys Fetal Unit in Manchester on Wednesday to find out why it happened before making a decision. Part of us is still hoping the results will come back and say 'oops we've made a mistake'.

    Im now carrying this baby and I just dont know what to feel. He is kicking away, people in queues and shops asking me when Im due, everyone around me who we haven't yet told talking about what we'll call him and talking about things we'll do when he comes. My friend today unknowingly offered me her moses basket, I couldnt bring myself to tell her there won't be a baby to put in it.

    I just don't know how I will deal with it. How will I suddenly wake up one day and just not be pregnant anymore. Not have a bump anymore. Put on normal clothes again? What do you say to people in the street when they last saw you with an enormous belly and now its gone?

    How do I look at the cot and the little bedroom we just started decorating last week, and the little clothes people bought us when we found out he was a boy a few weeks ago?

    Everytime he kicks I just want him to stop. It's like he is tormenting me, saying 'Im still here you know'. I feel completely powerless, he is inside ME and I can't do anything at all to help him. I can't help but blame myself - he was in there for 3 weeks before I even knew he was in there, when his little brain and spine and heart were forming and I was drinking and smoking. Perhaps I should have gone T total as soon as we decided to try for a baby last year. Even though I know this is a genetic problem, I think its my fault.

    On Thursday we have a family funeral, my husbands ex will be there who openly hates me as she feels they may have reconciled if we hadn't met. I have to pretend everything is okay. As soon as she finds out about this, she is going to be singing from the rooftops - her hatred and bitterness took a whole new turn once she discovered we were expecting. This will be music to her ears. She gave him a healthy a son, and I can't. They have something together we don't.

    There is just too much going around my head. All I want to do is stay in bed and cry.

    I feel angry and bitter and nasty towards everybody, Im scared to tell people because I can't handle their sympathy.

    How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to behave around people? I just dont know. My heart is just broken :'(
     
  2. Linzie2012

    Linzie2012 Well-Known Member

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    I don't really know what to say but didn't want to read & run either.

    I hope they have made a mistake & all fine.

    Stay strong, big hugs x
     
  3. nbrintz

    nbrintz Well-Known Member

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    Aww Hun I really don't know what to say except I'm so sorry and gutted to
    Be reading this and I have tears running down my face as I read this I really have no advice to give but as for husbands ex if she gets a kick out of this she is truly a very sick in the head women and karma will gets her when she least expects it as for blaming yourself definately not my friend has drank and smoked at least 20 cigs a day yhe while way through she is now 27 weeks I don't agree with her doing this but only so much u can say isn't there def not your fault we are all here if u need to talk take care thinking of u x
     
  4. Nikki1985

    Nikki1985 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Linzie, I guess Im just hoping there are people on here who have lost a baby after being quite far gone who can help me deal with it. Obviously a loss at any time is devastating, but for most if us we let our a sigh of relief after 12 weeks and think everything is going to be okay. I went into that scan thinking it was nothing more than a chance to get another photo. In my mind, if anything was going to happen it wouldn't happened by now - I was "safe" xx
     
  5. Robyner

    Robyner Well-Known Member

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    :( I'm so so sorry my heart is breaking all over again. This was me in 2011, please don't feel alone Hun. It was so, so hard, I won't lie. We carried on until my girl left us at 38 weeks due to a genetic condition. Please don't blame yourself. I dreaded strangers talking to me, I work in a small shop with regular, loyal customers. Amazingly, I was somehow protected from many questions and comments. If people did ask, I would somehow manage to smile and tell them her due date and that she was a girl etc. because we chose to carry on, friends and family knew. That was the hard part. At first people didn't know what to say or avoided me or whatever they said it seemed wrong. There are no words after all. There is so much more but sometimes too much can be too heavy to bear. People did eventually rally round and the kindness of people bowled me over. My girl was worth it, I have many strong relationships as a result and she is loved and remembered, genuinely by so many people that have carried our story and has affected people I don't even know. I won't waffle on about me. I just feel so so deeply for you and do get the anger and bitterness trust me. Please feel free to pm me anytime at all if you need support, I truly mean it. Xxx
     
  6. merlin

    merlin Well-Known Member

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    Same as linzie, I didn't want to read and run and also do not know what to say! I am so very sorry, I can't imagine what you are feeling, but its something I fear happening to myself.
    Lots of love and hugs to you and yours x stay strong x

    Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk 4 Beta
     
  7. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    I am so so sorry to read this. I don't have any advice but wanted to send my thoughts and hugs xx
     
    #7 lisey, Jun 2, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2013
  8. Nikki1985

    Nikki1985 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Robyner, I really appreciate that.

    I feel so selfish, I was so gutted when I found out he was a boy when we went for as private gender scan at 16w, and now I could kick myself. How could I have cared so much whether he was a boy or a girl? What did it matter, when at the time we thought he was healthy? All I was bothered about was my nice 4D photo. How bloody shallow of me. Maybe this has come to teach me a lesson. Instead of counting my blessings, I was just p***** off we had another boy (me and hubby both already have a boy each).

    Now all I want is my little boy. I would have a hundred boys just to make this one healthy.

    It seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Five of my friends are due in October and it just seems so unfair. Hubby doesn't seem to know how to deal with it. Today he mentioned that we were invited to his friends BBQ next weekend, his friend whose wife is also 5 months pregnant. How can he be so insensitive? What am I going to talk about with her? Pregnancy? Babies? I know deep down he is trying to be strong for me - it'd be no good if both of us locked ourselves in the bedroom crying for days, someone has to hold the fort I suppose.

    I have to go back to work tomorrow, I dont want to go I want to just sit in bed and cry but I can't. Im the boss and there are a dozen staff and two major deadlines that would cripple the company if I lost the plot and didnt turn up.

    Wednesday has never come around so slowly in my life. It feels like every day never seems to end :(
     
  9. Samsgirl

    Samsgirl Well-Known Member

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    oh sweetheart.......i have been through a loss, but nothing like what you face. I can only offer support.

    You will get through all this though....i promise xxx
     
  10. Robyner

    Robyner Well-Known Member

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    I'm stunned at the pressure you are under! Are you going to let someone know at work? Is there anyone? I found it so hard when people around me were pregnant and having their healthy babies, I totally get it.


    Please don't dwell on your thoughts of disappointment of finding out you were having a boy Hun :( everything is relative and all feelings are real to you at the time, you were not to know.


    I really hope you can take time out after the deadlines! Be kind to yourself as this isn't your fault.
     
  11. timtam78

    timtam78 Well-Known Member

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    I have no words, this is just awful to read. Please don't blame yourself, its not your fault.
    Virtual hugs is all I can offer :hugs:
     
  12. Nikki1985

    Nikki1985 Well-Known Member

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    Unfortunately I have no choice, I have a textile factory with ten staff and I am the boss. The only other people are designers, interns, cutters and machinists and none of them are capable of management/executive stuff. Just in the few days I've been away I have opened my inbox today to loads of angry emails, wages and invoices that should have been paid on Friday, things that should have been posted out for receipt on Monday but I didn't do it, product data lists and product imagery that our marketing people needed by Friday 9am and never received cos I was awol...

    I have private investors who have put a lot of money into the brand for an equity stake after I was on business TV show last year, they have believed in me and trusted in me, and I just cannot let them down. I was pushing my luck by even getting pregnant 6 months into getting an investor on board, but I was too impatient to wait 3 years until after our milestones were all met. I'd been waiting 9 years already for my second child, but the right time never came, there was no way I was putting it off another 3 years now I had finally found the right man and got married.

    I guess it's my own fault for trying to have both - maybe you can't be a successful businesswoman AND have a family. I guess that's a privilage and a luxury reserved for men only x
     
    #12 Nikki1985, Jun 2, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2013
  13. cosmicgirl

    cosmicgirl Well-Known Member

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  14. Robyner

    Robyner Well-Known Member

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    :( what a horrible situation and yet again I will say it, not your fault xxx massive hugs and feel free to vent. It won't shock me, I've had some very angry and bitter feelings through this process. I'm just feeling for you having a high pressured job as well. I moved away from mine before it happened to me, it would have been excruciating dealing with both, but like you, I have a strong work ethic and what can you do when so much relies on you. Bless you Hun xxx
     
  15. laurat

    laurat Well-Known Member

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    Im so sorry! Xxx
     
  16. Nikki1985

    Nikki1985 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks, I think I've gone through the denial, now the blame, I think they say acceptance is next.

    I just get cross that I have deprived myself of smoking and drinking and my hobbies that aren't suitable in pregnancy - horse riding and such like and all of it was for nothing. We had VIP festival tickets for July for a festival we go to every year and once we found out we were expecting we gave them away, had an all inclusive holiday in April and obviously didnt partake in the banana boats or the free alcohol. I've been to so many posh awards do's for work and not indulged in the free champagne and bottles of wine on the table and now I think, why did I bother? The dye was cast 5 months ago, we just didnt know.

    And then I get angry with my husband even though it's not his fault. I have been telling him for 4 years that his son needs to be checked over by a doctor because in my opinion he displays signs of mild special needs - he doesn't speak very much, cant engage with other kids, wanders off by himself, sits for hours gazing into space sometimes rocking back and forth. Hubby says he is just quiet and well behaved and that I only think that because my son is loud and boisterous. Now we know that this is most likely a chromosone problem I am getting quietly cross with him - like as though he already has one child with brain problems, albeit mild, and now he has given it to me too and if he'd had his son checked out sooner like I said, we have known there was a risk. I know I sound like a right cow, but I can't help it.

    I guess I'm lucky, I already have one healthy child I am just being greedy wanting, or expecting to have another when so many cannot even have the one x
     
  17. lozzalozza

    lozzalozza Well-Known Member

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    So sorry, you are going through what must be the toughest time any woman could go through. I also run my own business and the stress of that combined with my mmc and my mum having terminal cancer has pushed me close to the edge this year. Getting to the 20 week scan unaware of any problem must be horrific and having to make such horrendous decisions is unimaginable. I guess I would tell my close friends and family the truth and tell other people that I lost the baby and didn't want to talk about it. I'd just be blunt and not worry about other people's feelings, you have to try to protect yourself or you won't be in a fit state for anything. Please try to be a bit selfish and look after yourself before everything else at this awful time x.
     
  18. CARNAT22

    CARNAT22 Well-Known Member

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    Sweetie, I echo what the other ladies have said. My heart dropped when I read this.

    I cannot do anything other than offer you some practical advice.

    1) Seek and accept any counselling your hospital are able to offer.
    2) Tell those whom need to know and those you want to know
    3) Sort out the work situation (what were you planning to do when you went on mat leave? You need to so this a bit earlier)
    4) Get hubby to tell the Ex, if she is any kind of human, woman and mother she'll be heartbroken for you

    I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I can tell you feel incredibly guilty and I think you need to address this ASAP, you not "wanting" a boy so to speak is in no way, shape or form the reason you are suffering now.

    Please feel free to chat / rant / seek solice here.

    Big hugs

    xxxxxxxxx
     
  19. Natalilly1288

    Natalilly1288 Well-Known Member

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    I have no advice really to give except dont bottle your feelings up I've got tears rolling down my face reading this I feel terrible for you what an awful situation and it sounds like you have alot of pressure to stay strong please don't feel guilty as hard as that is take care hunny were all here for you if you ever need someone to listen xxxxxx
     
  20. Nikki1985

    Nikki1985 Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much, lozzalozza thank you it really helps to know that somebody else runs a business and knows what its like trying to juggle everything. Its things like business events, where you see the same people, my Twitter following - everyone knows Im 21weeks, people have seen me at events sporting a growing bump, I just dont know what I'll say when they see me on stage speaking at business events in July/August expecting to find a 7 month pregnant woman, and they are quietly wondering why I have no bump.

    The natural thing for most people to say is, 'oh youre lucky you arent very big with you pregnancy' or 'oh have you had your baby' and they'll assume they mixed their dates up. What do you reply? Its like that awkward foot-in-mouth moment when someone asks a woman when she is due, when she is just fat. Only this worse. I can only imagine how bad someone would feel if they had asked that question and got the reply 'I lost the baby'. So with that in mind, do you publicly notify people on Facebook/Twitter that you have lost the baby so they know not to mention it if they see you? But then that just seems so attention seeking and just wrong to post on Facebook something so private and heartbreaking.

    Carnat22 - thanks for the advice. I saw a text from his ex only a few days ago saying "I cant help it, I hate that bitch for what she has done to this family" - anyone would think I broke up their relationship, not met him 6 months after he had moved out and left her. You'd think after all this time she would have gotten over it, yet she only seems to get more bitter, always telling everyone we wont last, that our marriage is a joke... Up until we got married and she couldnt avoid it any more she would refuse to let my husband have his son when I was there, even 3 years into our relationship. Sadly, she has never met anybody else, still phones him 20+ times a day under a thinly veiled excuse of talking about their son. Most of the time he puts it on silent and ignores it, and then he gets 5 ranting voicemails in the space of an hour about how he cant see his son again if he cant even answer the phone.... You get the picture...

    I know any decent human being would be sympathetic, and to our face Im sure she will be, but I know that behind closed doors she will be cheering and thinking this is the first step in our downfall, hoping our relationship will break down over it and once again she'll have a chance. Of course she will be there for him, with a sympathetic ear and big hugs.

    I had planned to take 2 weeks maternity leave, my mum was going to come in and cover for me. I am sure she will now if I ask her, although I know she has a lot on her own plate right now. The staff are trying their hardest not to harrass me, they knew I was at the hospital last week and they tried to get on with finishing jobs to take the pressure off me. All the new products needed photographing, so they did it all for me in my absence.... they were a right mess, but I didnt have the heart to say they all had to be done again because I knew they had tried to help me :(
     

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