Please stop beating yourself up, you are entitled to your feelings. Anyone who has been through this will no doubt have had similar feelings that they may be shocked at and worry that others will think they are awful. People cannot fully understand the trauma and heartbreak unless they've been there.
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What do you tell people?
- Thread starter Nikki1985
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Lolly85x
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Massive hugs. What a heartbreaking situation. I can't even imagine the pain, and worry you must be going through. I don't think your mum would mind helping you out, even just for a few days. Till you come to terms with things a bit more?
I think you have a few options. Obviously depending on whether you choose to go ahead with the pregnancy or not. If not... Then you can just tell people on a need to know basis. And as for people asking, maybe by telling a few select people they could inform others you lost your baby. I think no matter how/what you say someone along the line might ask. But if you don't have a bump/baby then they will hopefully put 2+2 together and have the decency not to mention anything.
And if you do continue with the pregnancy then further down the line you can simply say the truth, that you lost your baby. No-one needs to know. Or if you feel better about it you can just be honest - any human person with a heart will understand what your going through.
And as for his EX she just sounds horrific... She doesn't need nor deserve to be told. And if/when she does find out if she does think like that then she is an awful person.
Please try not to blame you, or your OH. Unfortunately this is just one of these things out with anyone's control. Please please please look after yourself xxx
I think you have a few options. Obviously depending on whether you choose to go ahead with the pregnancy or not. If not... Then you can just tell people on a need to know basis. And as for people asking, maybe by telling a few select people they could inform others you lost your baby. I think no matter how/what you say someone along the line might ask. But if you don't have a bump/baby then they will hopefully put 2+2 together and have the decency not to mention anything.
And if you do continue with the pregnancy then further down the line you can simply say the truth, that you lost your baby. No-one needs to know. Or if you feel better about it you can just be honest - any human person with a heart will understand what your going through.
And as for his EX she just sounds horrific... She doesn't need nor deserve to be told. And if/when she does find out if she does think like that then she is an awful person.
Please try not to blame you, or your OH. Unfortunately this is just one of these things out with anyone's control. Please please please look after yourself xxx
Lozzaste
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Hi
I'm so sorry to hear this. This did happen to me also at 20 weeks. I wrote a blog at the time as the only way I could deal with the pain was to write it down. In our case the doctors were wrong, after the amino and MRI - it wasn't what they said it was (dandy walker malformation).
I know forest hand every emotion you are feeling, it's so unfair. We faced the same decision until the diagnosis was overturned and I also often wondered what I would say. I actually just told people the truth. My job is also one where being away at short notice isn't going to be easy, so people noticed. I just found it easier to tell people what was happening - there is nothing shameful in it. I found that once I told one person, then others seemed to know (as is the case with these things!)
I truly wish you the best and I'm sending big hugs xx
I'm so sorry to hear this. This did happen to me also at 20 weeks. I wrote a blog at the time as the only way I could deal with the pain was to write it down. In our case the doctors were wrong, after the amino and MRI - it wasn't what they said it was (dandy walker malformation).
I know forest hand every emotion you are feeling, it's so unfair. We faced the same decision until the diagnosis was overturned and I also often wondered what I would say. I actually just told people the truth. My job is also one where being away at short notice isn't going to be easy, so people noticed. I just found it easier to tell people what was happening - there is nothing shameful in it. I found that once I told one person, then others seemed to know (as is the case with these things!)
I truly wish you the best and I'm sending big hugs xx
xThank you all for your kind words and support.
Our baby had severe unilateral ventriculomegaly, with other brain anomalies that were found under MRI. Known causes include chromosonal abnormality, a virus in very early pregnancy (most notably CMV) or a random trauma to the fetus in very early pregnancy - completely random and not caused by anything the mother has or hasnt done. Ours was the latter. We were told that of 2000 live births, less than 1-2 would have ventriculomegaly, and of that 1-2, less than 1% would have measurements of more than 15mm. It was so rare the Professor said he had hardly ever seen it, and very few studies/cases existed but in all of the cases he had seen the outcome was as bad as it can be.
I won't post the story of what we have been through because it will be upsetting to people who (quite rightly) should be happy and excited about their own good news, but if anybody else is faced with a non-viable pregnancy/difficult decision, please get in touch with me and I will tell you our story. I found that reading other peoples stories - about the induction, how it happened, etc, made me feel less isolated. Nothing will take the pain away but knowing that other women did it and coped, gave me the strength to believe I could get through it as well. I found threads like this dated months, or years past and wished I could have spoken to the ladies who had posted.
So if someone is reading this, I'll continue to check my messages and will always offer my support and knowledge to anybody going through the same and hopefully one day I'll be back with happier news. xxx
Our baby had severe unilateral ventriculomegaly, with other brain anomalies that were found under MRI. Known causes include chromosonal abnormality, a virus in very early pregnancy (most notably CMV) or a random trauma to the fetus in very early pregnancy - completely random and not caused by anything the mother has or hasnt done. Ours was the latter. We were told that of 2000 live births, less than 1-2 would have ventriculomegaly, and of that 1-2, less than 1% would have measurements of more than 15mm. It was so rare the Professor said he had hardly ever seen it, and very few studies/cases existed but in all of the cases he had seen the outcome was as bad as it can be.
I won't post the story of what we have been through because it will be upsetting to people who (quite rightly) should be happy and excited about their own good news, but if anybody else is faced with a non-viable pregnancy/difficult decision, please get in touch with me and I will tell you our story. I found that reading other peoples stories - about the induction, how it happened, etc, made me feel less isolated. Nothing will take the pain away but knowing that other women did it and coped, gave me the strength to believe I could get through it as well. I found threads like this dated months, or years past and wished I could have spoken to the ladies who had posted.
So if someone is reading this, I'll continue to check my messages and will always offer my support and knowledge to anybody going through the same and hopefully one day I'll be back with happier news. xxx
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Hi there I'm now onto a healthy pregnancy but I wanted to share with u my story as I understand a little of what you are going through. For us it was our first scans though the first time it happened scan at 14.5 weeks baby on screen heartbeat was strong then the words I'm sorry. Your baby has a not compatible with life condition. I need to get a second opinion... True to this other people came and checked and she was correct our baby had anacephaly we were "lucky" as its normally picked up at 20 week scan but because my scan was late they detected it early. My choices were medical induction so I'd give birth the next week to still born, a termination at an abortion clinic or attempt to go to full term and if we were able to make it that far then baby would die during birth or mins to hours after. It was a real shock I had no idea what to do I called in sick to work I rang family and told them what had happened and my three best friends who knew we were pregnant because I told them early on in excitement. Well I went back and forth on my choices and didn't know what to do I researched a huge amount to see if they could be wrong if there was any chance my baby didn't have it or that my baby could survive with a good quality of life. Sadly this wasn't the case. We discussed a huge amount sometimes just crying to each other and I opted in the end for abortion clinic termination which was done at almost 17 weeks gone was horrible to go through and took me a long time mentally to recover and want to try again. They said I was v unlucky and that for me normal folic acid hadn't been enough to take high dose folic acid and next time would be ok.Then almost a yr later I fell pregnant again. I had a scan at 12.week's (it's not possible to detect before 11 weeks) and they said the same words I was in shock I'd done it all right how could it happen again it's very rare they said this time I knew my decision and options and didn't research I arranged my own abortion. Again horrible to go through and I felt very guilty. (I should note that my hospital won't do an abortion on a live heart beating baby past 9 weeks so a d and c was not an option either timeonly induced labour full term to watch baby die or aabortion none are the right choice there is only the right choice for you which will cause you the least amount of pain and suffering. They then sent us for genetic tests everything was normal and they still cannot tell me why it happened twice. I'm now 34 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby 3 yrs on from the first we lost. I still worry about things but have had additional scans and all is apparently well. Don't give up hope ever and whatever choice you make its a very brave choice none of your options are easy and I cannot say if I was further along at the times of mine what I wouldv done. In terms of what do you tell people? Firstly decide what is the best option for you. Then start with closest friends and family, after that you can decide what to say to people whatever you say you will find people reactions vary greatly but I found it becamee easier the more people knew. Biggest hugs at such a heart breaking time xxx
