Emptiness....

[Slinky Sarah]

Forgive me i just need to write things down, having a rough night

well its 7 months today since my angel left, Right about this time too i had 'contractions' and felt my baby leave me. my baby would have been due in exactly 2 weeks time (1st of march). I cant help thinking and wondering about my angel. Would my baby be a boy or girl, how big would i be now, how would i have handled pregnancy etc...

I feel so empty. Some days i am ok and think well it was just one of those things, better off now me and OH can have our own family and him not have to raise someone elses baby. But then i have days like today where i wonder what the hell i ever did to deserve all the hell i have been through with my ex and loosing my angel. The only good thing that has come out of all this is my OH. He has supprted me through everything and i cannot begin to thank him and explain to him how greatful i am to him for standing by me through everything. He could have run a mile when i told him about the baby but he didnt and he told me he would support me through it all and he has, even though my baby is not with me.

is it wrong i class myself as a mummy? Everytime i say im a mum to an angel i just get looked at stupid and then the subject just gets changed. Even OH just goes quiet but i think thats jsut cos he doesnt no what to say about it.

Right now im talking to my OH online and he has no idea im upset. IM just hiding it from him cos i dont want to upset him when we are apart especially cos it will make him down too. Im supposed to be strong. Well thats what everyone keeps saying to me, wow your sucha strong person. Little do they no i spend many a night just laid crying and every single day i think about my angel, wondering why and what i did wrong, answers i will never get.

Even now me and OH are TTC i feel a total failure. Its our 5th month now and every month we dont conceive i feel like i am letting OH down. He has a son, iv been pregnant, why is it not happening?! Just dont understand why we are being punished like this (and of course all you ladies no this too). My next AF is due 29th of Feb, so if nothing then i will be testing on my angel's due date. Either way, BFP or AF i dunno how i will feel. If i get my BFP is that gonna be like iv replaced my angel? If i dont get my BFP do i take that as my angel thinks im being selfish for wanting another baby?

i want a baby with my OH so much. I know we both deserve to be happy but i just dunno what it takes anymore. No one really understands how im feeling, except you ladies and after 7 months and with it ebing an early loss do i have a right to still be upset? I really hope im not being disrespectful to anyone, that is the last thing i want. I just dont know how im supposed to feel anymore. All i have is fear of loosing my OH, emense (sp) love for him and other than that total numbness and emptiness.

IM sorry this is so long but like i say i have no one to talk to about this.

 

[tracey 2]

sarah

i can understand what your saying about you think ahead its completely natural to wonder what your angel would have been like and how things would be i still do,

grief can hit us at anytime hun as much as i wish it wouldnt its like sometimes we are doing good and then something just knocks it away with a bang and its sadness again and this grief is good it helps us to deal with our emotions,

pleased your OH is being supportive to you hun but do you think you could write everything down and explain in a letter how your feeling if you cant talk to him face to face,

no i dont think its wrong to call yourself a mummy we all are mummies its just our angels chose to help god up in heaven to look after us all,

you dont have to be strong all the time hun i know how hard it is to keep it up i do it most night when i know steve is sleeping i cry into my pillow or go somewhere to cry i have to force myself to not let anyome see me cry and i know thats not good its fighting grief and i think sometimes you have to face it head on,

you have every right to be upset and be able to grieve for your loss how ever long it takes you or anyone else doesnt matter that loss was real and it hurts so much,

i hope your ok babe, and you know my mobile is on day and night ring me or text anytime you ever ever need me ok hun,

lots of love

 

[Lianatoot]

Sarah, the emptiness and the feelings you have are totaly natural...you are a mummy, you made a baby..so of course your a mummy. A mummy of an angel is a lovely term.

Paul hardly ever talks about our baby anymore..and that was only 2 weeks ago! I will never forget, I dont think a woman ever does.

I am dreading being where you are now. Coming up to my due date, cos I know I will be full of the same questions as you.

I wish I could help you more in some way.

 

[Slinky Sarah]

thank you both for your replies
iv woke up this morning in such an aweful mood im just so angry and i dont know why

 

[Lianatoot]

Awww hun I am so sorry.

I can totaly understand your anger tho I really can. You will feel cheated and just so dissapointed and more.

 

[trixipaws]

 

[mrs_metal]

Hi Hun your anger is natural, you've had your baby taken away from you

You don't have to be strong all the time, people should understand, you really really have to grieve properly, if you don't it isn't healthy for you

 

[Slinky Sarah]

had a long talk with my OH about how i was feeling yesterday about me not wnating to tell him when im down but i was told off for botteling it all up lol. Bless him.
Im feeling a little better today....last night was hard again as we were looking through OH's son's old clothes and shoes....
thank you for your hugs and suport

 

[CharlieOne]

Wish there was something i could said Honey, youve been a rock to me so if you need me hopefully i can be a rock for you.....I do understand how hard it is and how you are feeling, im just really sucking at words atm....so i'll offer you loads of cuddles

 

[Trudyscrumptious76]

Wish I could say something to make it all better. Hope you start to feel a bit stronger soon. Don't blame yourself. These things happen unfortunately. Just wish it wasn't to us.