***TTC Our Rainbow Babies***

[LucyC]

Happy mother’s day to you kholl, completely understandable that it’s a hard Mother’s day for you this year, sending hugs.

Millie I had the same experience with epu, unfortunately the treatment I had at the recurrent miscarriage clinic under the nhs wasn’t much better, they deal with people going through losses everyday so how can they be so bad at it?! My last loss was 21st Feb and the recurrent miscarriage clinic under the nhs said that if I lost that baby I’d have more tests, when we had the loss confirmed and I asked what would happen next they said they’d be in touch- I’m still waiting, they left me feeling so hopeless. I just count myself so lucky that before we started ttc we saved up money for maternity leave as that money gave us the option to go to a private recurrent miscarriage clinic and my private consultant has been amazing.

In terms of staying positive it’s so hard isn’t it. I have some days where I feel really positive and others where it all feels hopeless. The consultant said we need to try and be positive that we could have a different outcome this time and he thinks the mental side is just as important as the physical, so I’m trying really hard to think like that, but some days the anxiety of trying again and going through another loss kicks in.

Cd3 here for me now so still early days, trying to eat healthy and do some gentle exercise to make sure I’m as healthy as can be this time.

Hope af stays away for you Millie, and I hope you get some signs of ovulation soon kholl x

 

[SugaryIris]

9th month of ttc and cd25 for me. I have been having flashing smileys for 6 days on my clearblue advanced digital opk's. First month I've used them. Starting to think that I'm not ovulating this month... at least the tww won't be full of hopeless symptom spotting i suppose!

 

[Akua]

I wish I could advise on how to stay positive but I don’t think today I’m doing a great job of it myself. Was driving home and saw this one bright shining star in the sky and all I could think of was maybe that’s my baby looking down on me. Silly I know but I cried the rest of the journey home.

No idea where I am in my cycle really. Still had a positive pregnancy test yesterday from my mc. Will test again tomorrow

 

[Kholl]

Ladies, how are you all?

I also have no idea where I am in my cycle or what my body is doing. I'm also feeling a mix between sheer desperation to be pregnant again and absolute terror of being pregnant again. I was joking with a friend about how maybe I won't test at all until my period is 3 months late and that way I'll be in the "safe" (safER, at least) zone of 12+ weeks. Then I was thinking, maybe I'll really do that. I'll just act as if I'm pregnant (no caffeine or booze, taking prenatals and eating well etc) and just not take a test. Obviously I couldn't possibly really do that but...

Hope you're all doing well.

 

[xMillie]

Ladies, how are you all?

I also have no idea where I am in my cycle or what my body is doing. I'm also feeling a mix between sheer desperation to be pregnant again and absolute terror of being pregnant again. I was joking with a friend about how maybe I won't test at all until my period is 3 months late and that way I'll be in the "safe" (safER, at least) zone of 12+ weeks. Then I was thinking, maybe I'll really do that. I'll just act as if I'm pregnant (no caffeine or booze, taking prenatals and eating well etc) and just not take a test. Obviously I couldn't possibly really do that but...

Hope you're all doing well.

If only we could all hold off that long with a missed period and be straight out of the early part of pregnancy.


I’ve forgotten what it’s like to just have a normal life where I don’t get upset each month my period arrives.. when you’re not ttc it’s just another day and you’re thankful you’re not pregnant or whatever.

I’m so sure this will never happen for us
AF started today, 1 day late, but I knew it was coming.. so onto 10th cycle after MC and 62/63rd cycle over-all.

I’m so upset. Hubby doesn’t seem bothered. He never is. He just said you always get like this each month. I don’t want to stop trying and take away even more chances of getting pregnant.. really don’t know what to do

 

[LucyC]

Hey lovely ladies,

Oh Millie I am so sad to read that, I’m not surprised you’re upset it’s so unfair that you have to go through this.

Kholl that’s exactly how I feel, I really want to be pregnant but my gosh the thought is terrifying. With the second and third pregnancy I didn’t test until late- like 5 and 1/2 weeks but next time as I’ve got to take daily heparin injections I’ll have to test early and I’m dreading that.

Had a bit of a tough day today, we had the test results back on the pregnancy tissue from our last loss and found out we would have had a little girl and she was perfectly healthy so it’s an issue with us and not a random chromosome abnormality unfortunately, it also makes it feel more real knowing the sex of the baby

 

[Akua]

The idea of waiting so long to test is actually quite appealing. Just forgetting about ttc, and only paying attention to it when you’re properly properly pregnant. Wouldn’t that be nice. Although since I got to 12+1 last time I do wonder if I’d ever feel ‘safe’. Maybe I’ll be one of those women on that show ‘I didn’t know I was pregnant’ and I’ll just carry on with life happy as Larry until one night I have mysterious stomach pains that are 3 minutes apart... I wish. Last time I knew straight away I was pregnant even without taking a test so I don’t think I could ever not know if it were to happen again

Millie I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time. Please look after yourself.

Sending big hugs to you too Lucy. Sounds like a really tough day you’ve had. Just because the baby was chromosonally normally though doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a problem with you. Sometimes they just don’t implant right, or Mother Nature is just a bitch and you’re not lucky. Next time you’ll have your heparin and I have everything crossed it’ll make all the difference to you.

I’ve started running again. It’s been one of my big passions over the last year and I gave it up whilst I was pregnant and then afterwards I wasn’t physically well enough because of the haemorrhage. So it’s bittersweet to be out be out pounding the pavements again. The first run I cried for the whole of the first four miles because all I could think about was how I’d rather be at home and pregnant than not pregnant and running. But I’m glad I’ve gone

 

[Sunflower1]

My fertile window is approaching and I just feel really negative and anxious.

 

[Kholl]

Sunflower I'm sorry, that's so hard. I can understand that feeling... I have no real idea when my fertile window is, we have been NTNP mostly because I kind of just don't want to know, so that when my period comes I can just tell myself we didn't time it right or whatever... but also because I will OBSESS and make our lives miserable if I attempt to track anything. I also don't sleep enough or on a predictable schedule so I don't think I could temp. I tried OPKs but they didn't seem to work... I am considering splurging on the clearblue OPK but I have read such mixed reviews and honestly just don't want to introduce something into my life that I can obsess over... it's hard to know what to do. Anyway, I hope this is your month.

Millie, that is so hard, so painful. How are things with your husband otherwise? Do you feel pretty much in sync, but thrown off when AF arrives? As you've probably figured from what I just wrote, I don't know how to not obsess. For me, I guess, it's by not tracking ovulation but if you know when you ovulate then... well, I don't know. I have friends who get ovulation pain and very predictable patterns of EWCM and other symptoms and they KNOW and so they can obsess. But I don't know (which is kind of embarrassing, that at 36 I still don't know my body like that) so I guess in a way I'm deliberately keeping myself in the dark... anyway, nothing I'm saying is very helpful, I know. I just wish this would happen for you. For everyone here.

Akua, running has been a great love of mine too and I never could do it while pregnant (even though lots of women can). On day 2 of heavy bleeding from my miscarriage, there was this running challenge at my daughter's school... I joined her and, like you, felt how effortless the run was. And it was exhilarating and felt like maybe it could be healing, but also I was utterly heartbroken that instead of huffing and puffing and feeling like I had to pee constantly and like my muscles weren't cooperating... it felt fine, because I wasn't pregnant.

Oh Lucy... that is heartbreaking. It does change so much, knowing the sex of your baby. Remember that they can't test for everything, and there is so much that doctors still don't know. There may have been an abnormality that they don't yet have a test for. Regardless... it's so painful, it's re-opening the wound. I have a dear friend who has an endless list of severe and obscure health challenges, and she had a late miscarriage (due to said health challenges). She felt like she was finally coming through the endless cloud of grief but then she found out the baby would have been a girl and she was catapulted right back into that hellish alter-world of despair. It's so hard. I am so sorry.

I guess I'm CD 19 today... do I count the first day of heavy miscarriage bleeding as CD 1? Do I even bother counting? I don't know.

Sending warm thoughts to all of you.

 

[Akua]

I was wondering that too Kholl. Do I start counting cycle days from the day I started bleeding, the day I passed the baby, or is this cycle just not a countable one?

 

[Jetina]

Hope you don't mind if I join you ladies here. Although not a miscarriage, I did lose my little boy at 39+5, 10 years ago now, but only really been ttc with my fiancé since March this year. It's been a difficult journey over the past 10 years, we both want kids, but there's never really been a good time with finances etc. Added to that, let's just say I'm a larger lady (size 22), though still relatively fit with it and none of the health problems that usually come with being so overweight, but he wanted me to be in the best position to avoid going through a loss again. However it's now got to the point that it kinda needs to happen soon or it never will. I'm almost 36 and he is 43, and we have to use AI because he has trouble maintaining/ejaculating during sex. I'm currently in my 2ww again and 3dpo. I used FertileCheck gel this month, so fingers crossed it'll make a difference for us!

 

[Sunflower1]

Good luck Jetina. We use AI too.

 

[LucyC]

Thanks kholl and akua I didn’t realise that it could still be something like that so that’s really helpful to know, the midwife who gave me the results just said well that’s more concerning now, which sent me into a panic.

I counted cd1 as the day I passed the baby with my losses, but it really is so hard to count after a miscarriage, I think the physical side of things like how much it can through off cycles just makes it even crueler.

Jetina im so sorry to hear about what you have been through that is just so awful I can’t even imagine, best of luck this cycle.

Sending lots of rainbow baby dust to you all xx

 

[xMillie]

Sunflower I'm sorry, that's so hard. I can understand that feeling... I have no real idea when my fertile window is, we have been NTNP mostly because I kind of just don't want to know, so that when my period comes I can just tell myself we didn't time it right or whatever... but also because I will OBSESS and make our lives miserable if I attempt to track anything. I also don't sleep enough or on a predictable schedule so I don't think I could temp. I tried OPKs but they didn't seem to work... I am considering splurging on the clearblue OPK but I have read such mixed reviews and honestly just don't want to introduce something into my life that I can obsess over... it's hard to know what to do. Anyway, I hope this is your month.

Millie, that is so hard, so painful. How are things with your husband otherwise? Do you feel pretty much in sync, but thrown off when AF arrives? As you've probably figured from what I just wrote, I don't know how to not obsess. For me, I guess, it's by not tracking ovulation but if you know when you ovulate then... well, I don't know. I have friends who get ovulation pain and very predictable patterns of EWCM and other symptoms and they KNOW and so they can obsess. But I don't know (which is kind of embarrassing, that at 36 I still don't know my body like that) so I guess in a way I'm deliberately keeping myself in the dark... anyway, nothing I'm saying is very helpful, I know. I just wish this would happen for you. For everyone here.

Akua, running has been a great love of mine too and I never could do it while pregnant (even though lots of women can). On day 2 of heavy bleeding from my miscarriage, there was this running challenge at my daughter's school... I joined her and, like you, felt how effortless the run was. And it was exhilarating and felt like maybe it could be healing, but also I was utterly heartbroken that instead of huffing and puffing and feeling like I had to pee constantly and like my muscles weren't cooperating... it felt fine, because I wasn't pregnant.

Oh Lucy... that is heartbreaking. It does change so much, knowing the sex of your baby. Remember that they can't test for everything, and there is so much that doctors still don't know. There may have been an abnormality that they don't yet have a test for. Regardless... it's so painful, it's re-opening the wound. I have a dear friend who has an endless list of severe and obscure health challenges, and she had a late miscarriage (due to said health challenges). She felt like she was finally coming through the endless cloud of grief but then she found out the baby would have been a girl and she was catapulted right back into that hellish alter-world of despair. It's so hard. I am so sorry.

I guess I'm CD 19 today... do I count the first day of heavy miscarriage bleeding as CD 1? Do I even bother counting? I don't know.

Sending warm thoughts to all of you.

Yes, our relationship is great, our only arguments are about the whole ttc thing.
It’s just so unfair..

This is my second month where my AF has been heavy and only lasted mostly 1 day.. will a gp take me seriously if I bring this up? So worried about what this means

 

[Kholl]

Millie, I am so sorry about the weird AF issue. I hope it's in the realm of normal and nothing to worry about. I hate the agony you're facing in this process, it's just awful.

How is everyone? I guess I'm CD 24, if I count from the first day of heavy bleeding. I'm having lots of annoying symptoms that make me hopeful but I know they don't mean anything. The weirdest thing that's happening is I keep getting these muscle twitches in my ab muscles, like eye twitches but in the muscles themselves (not internally, not uterine cramping/twitches). Ugh, I know it's nothing. I just feel desperate to be pregnant again/terrified to be pregnant again. The usual.

Hope everyone is doing well.

 

[SugaryIris]

Hey Kholl, I’m cd35, not entirely sure I ovulated at all this month so I am not sure when to expect af. About 2 days ago I had a really intense pain in what felt like my left ovary for a couple hours, this evening I’ve had a few twinges so I’m expecting af. I took a test this morning I thought there was the faintest line but nothing showed up on a picture and I checked it again after work (I know you shouldn’t! I just have no self control) and it was completely gone so I guess I just imagined it! We are going out on Saturday for my birthday so I’ll take a test Saturday morning as a precaution before drinking.

I’m also feeling very desperate, you aren’t on your own! I hope your twinges are a good sign!!

 

[Akua]

CD 22 and still a very negative opk. I just don’t think I’m gonna ovulate this cycle

I’m the same as the rest of you. Weird mixture of desperate/terrified.

I get my blood results tomorrow. My last lot of recurrent miscarriage blood tests showed abnormal shaped red cells so they did a repeat. We’ll see what these ones say

 

[SugaryIris]

fingers crossed for tomorrow for you x

 

[LucyC]

Cd13 here, due to ovulate tomorrow I think and only dtd today so really haven’t covered this month very well, I’m not using opks as they stress me out too much and not temping either so I’m really just guessing when I’ll ovulate but have had ewcm and a few twinges. Nervously excited to enter the tww xx

 

[Kholl]

Lucy, really hope this is it for you. Is there a plan for when you conceive again? Have doctors or midwives been helpful in formulating a plan?

Akua, did you get your results?

I guess I’m CD 25 today? As much as I’ve been like “I’m not testing until I’m 3 months late!”, I’m already itching to test. I ordered some FRERs but I am out of town so I’ll get them when I get home, which will Be Sunday- CD 28 I guess. If I can count from the first day of heavy m/c bleeding.