think things are coming to an end

[pammie]

My O/h and I are going through a few problems.
Sorry its a bit long.
He lost his job in january and got a new one in june. i kept the house running financally all that time which was ok its what couples do. Except he did nothing to help, i was working 5 night a week to bring in the money taking my son to school and cleaning the house and getting a few hours sleep before picking my son up from school all the while my O/H was sitting on his arse. I got pregnant in the may and we were both really happy until I lost it in the june. Things havent been the same since. He says am distant to him but i dont mean to be i am just treating him the way he treated me, i was so fed up of always having to be the one to initiate things between us that i just stopped, and waited for him to initiate things which he didnt he just moaned that nothing has happened between us for months. I arranged a family holiday for me my son and o/h but he wouldnt come away with us so i had to take my mum.
I went out on thursday night (it was my leaving party in work am moving to a different deparment) and got far to drunk for my own good. I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up a little while later to find o/h going through my phone. I have nothing incriminating on it but he started shouting at me about mens names on the phone (most of which were cousins and work colleguse) He said that because i wasnt asking him for any attention I was obviously going some where else for it. Which i am not.
I took my engagement ring of and told him if he doesnt trust me then its not worth us getting married coz am not going to spend the next 50 years with him being suspicious.
Have i done the right thing. I havent felt happy for months and cant see how things are going to change between us.
I think i want it to be over as i would be happy with just me and my son again (He is not my sons father) But my son adores him and i am worried about how any action i take will effect my son.

pam x

 

[cassi]

Firstly im very sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you would be better off with just you and you're son. You say you are worried how leaving him would affect you're son, but think about how the atmosphere at the moment must be affecting him? and it could only get worse too.

Hope you find a resolution.

cas x

 

[Urchin]

You are absolutley right to tell him it won't work if he can't trust you. Men can be funny buggers when it comes to stuff like this but he HAS to trust you.... otherwise what's the point?

 

[pammie]

thanks for your replies.
Am at home by myself with my son in bed. We were supposed to be going out tonight with his friends, (it was arranged a few weeks ago) but since he came home from watching the football he said he couldnt be bothered going out, so i cancelled the baby sitter. 40 mins ago he got a bath then anounced he was going out. When i asked about the change of heart he said he owed his mate moneyand have to give it to him and i wont enjoy myself anyway, so i have just sat on the couch while he hot tailed it out the door.
Am starting to feel suspicious of him with his two phones (one is apparently for work)
One minute he acts like everything is ok then he changes mood so i quiz him about the change of mood and he acts like nothing has happened and as if am the insane one.
thanks again girls just dont know how to finnish it with him.
pam x

 

[Urchin]

Hmmm can you get your hands on this other phone? Sounds very suspicious. Maybe all this "trust" issue he has is his guilt?

 

[pammie]

Was thinking of doing that but wont that make me as bad as him?
will have to try and break the pin number first tho.
I am starting to think he is up to something just the way he went out and he was wearing a suit who wears a suit to go drinking in the city centre?
am feeling nurotic again hehe

 

[cassi]

Im sorry but it does sound suspicious. I dont want to make things worse i will just be very honest here, please dont take this as im trying to make you upset i really am not. But i used to cheat on my ex loads, i was young and bored (i know its no excuse) I have never ever cheated on my DF now though. But as a result of me cheating on my ex and seeing how easy it is to cheat with no one knowing (he never found out) It has made me a very jealous person and i now find it hard to trust others. Though i am now much better with Alan but he dosnt go out that much anyway because of his working hours.

Try and get hold of the phone while it is still on, dont just check his inbox but also check his sent message box, and dialled numbers etc, if all the history is deleted then it definatly is suspicious and i would try having a sneak at one of his phone bills...It does in no way make you as bad as him, but you obviously are not going to get the truth from him, so its your only option really.

Hope everything goes better for you in the future and thius gets sorted hun
casx

 

[pammie]

Thanks cassi and everybody else forreplying.

I have checked his phone and there are no call records or text messages in or out. once i thoughtabout it i havent seen a bill come to the house for months. WHen we first got together he slept with his ex girlfriend but i never found out till months after he moved in, when we argue i ashamadley always bring it up just because i still dont know what had happened other than they slept together.
Wehave spoken over the last few nights and he has been saying that hes sorry for going through my phone and he loves me and he trust me (which i dont believe) and he says alot of other nice things that should make me feel happy. But it doesnt help i cant say i love you back or that i want him I keep remembering how controling he is (small example i want to redecorate he says no so it doesnt get done i want to buy a new fridge because the door is broke on the one we have again no so it doesnt happpen he even decides what we eat and what we shop for as he usually goes when i have been on a night shift). I feel so drained with the relationship and i have suggested we have a break from each other but he wont hear of it he says we dont need it and were ok. To prove it he bought my son a new bike (its no where near his birthday) thing is AJ my son hates riding the bike he had, and something that expensive i believe should be left till christmas and birthday's.
Feel like all am doing is moaning am sorry
Thanks again
Pam x

 

[emilia]

Hi there...
Sorry to hear that you're going through this! I think you're right to be suspicious... it sounds to me like this guy IS having an affair.
Don't let him control you - if you think you need a break, take it... it will make things a lot clearer for you.

Good luck, hun... thinking of you!
Emilia xx

 

[Tara & Liam]

hi Pammie,

i just wanted to say that you should trust your instinct, and go with that. i have some things in my relationship that are similar, like its always me that takes the initiative so now i dont bother, but there are no trust issues, and i honestly dont want to be with anyone else. but i think that you know what you need to do.

how old is your son, if you dont mind me asking and how long have you been with your partner.

x

 

[pammie]

THanks every one
Davina My son is 8 years old and I have been with my partner for 2 and half years. due to get married 23 june 2007

 

[Tara & Liam]

my eldest was 5 and 2 months when i met my DH, and i know where youre coming from as he would have been devastated to loose him. he calls my hubby dad, and i suppose to kieran and your son it would be like losing a dad twice wouldnt it.

good luck and i am thinking of you.x

 

[pammie]

Thanks Davina

You hit the nail on the head, the reason am reluctant to make a desision is the effect it will have on AJ as aj adores him, My Oh actually said to AJ the other day "you would hate it if mummy asked me to move out wouldnt you" and my son clung to him and was telling him he cant go any where. I waited for my son to go to bed and let rip on OH telling him how dare he use my son like that and blackmail me he appologised and said it wasnt meant like that and he didnt realise it would be taken like that. But i think he knew what he was doing by saying that to my son and its so frustrating. We decided to make a go of it but my hearts not in it.
Thank again
pam xxxx

 

[Tara & Liam]

is there anyway that you and oh could get away for a weekend by yourselves and really try to get back what you once had. is it that you have just fallen out of love with him, or are you just having a tough time at the moment and he is the first in your line of fire. i usually suffer from this and it is usually the latter in my case.

it is a hard one when there are children involved. i had this talk with my hubby and he was like well i wouldnt move out, and that he doesnt want to split up, and i was like well put some effort into us then.

i think that you really should try and get some time away just the two of us. then you should know either way. if you really dont want to be with him then you should sit down and explain to your son all of this.

good luck pammie.x

 

[pammie]

HI
Thanks for all your advice davina, Well I took your advice and either next weekend or the weekend after were goinrg to book in to a hotel with four poster bed champagne on arival and a spa hopefully ajoined to it. It was my suggestion to him but hes really got into it we just have to find the right hotel/ country manor. We did here of one in manchester where you can hire a roof top jacuzzi for the night which would be bliss but we have no idea what that hotel is called. AM keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well, Its make or break time I think
Thanks again for all your kind words and thoughts
Pam xxxxxxx

p.s thanks again davina your advice it really helped me xxxx

 

[Tara & Liam]

thats okay pammie. i think it has helped me funny enough. seeing it all written down has made me evaluate my relationship, and hopefully we are going to start making an effort to get back on track.

the hotels sound lovely. have a good time and good luck Pammie.
xxx

 

[Tara & Liam]

let us know how you are hun x

 

[pammie]

Hi Davina

Thankyou so much for all the advice. I really am trying with him. We had a talk and told him how i was feeling and things seemed to have perked up. He is taking me away this weekend for a break at a spa hotel were leaving after i finnish college tomorrow, yey cant wait.
I have found it has eased tension getting other people perspetive on it and reading there advice. And seeing it from others point of view.
THings have deinatley improved between us.
Thanks again
Pammie

p.s Will let you know how it goes at the weekend

 

[Tara & Liam]

ok good luck hun, i hope that you can both get back what you had, i'm sure you can.

x