Telling a friend who has been ttc for 5 years!

Discussion in 'First Trimester' started by Little miss pink, Dec 4, 2007.

  1. Little miss pink

    Little miss pink Well-Known Member

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    Hello Everyone

    I've got two people i am absolutely dreading telling my news too if i make it to 11 weeks (just before xmas). One is my close work colleague who has a little girl but has been ttc a second for 5 years with no look and lots of horrid M/c's and her chances of conceiving a second aren't looking good. She gets really upset and cuts friends off when she finds out they are pregnant because she finds it hard to cope.

    And the second person is my step brother and step sister in law who have been ttc for 10 years and had ivf after ivf to no avail and again its not looking good for them either. They too are finding very difficult to cope especially around friend who are expecting and have fallen out with different people over this.


    I just wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar and had any advice on how to break the news.

    I was planning telling all of my collegaues at our xmas party ont he 21st as they'll guess when i don't drink but i thought i might speak to her first one on one before i break the news.

    And with regards to my step brother i just don't know


    :wall: :wall: :wall:

    Any advice?

    LMP x
     
  2. mandspice

    mandspice Well-Known Member

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    Hiya,

    My two best friends have had lots of problems, one has had IVF 5 times with no success and the other is just about to try IVF after being advised of problems – I’ve already told one friend and she’s admitted that she’s jealous but also happy for me. It must be really hard for them but I think they understand in my case cos I’ve been through hell to get here too!

    I guess it’s just about being as discreet as possible – you have to tell them but don’t go into detail with them and discuss all of the happy stuff with other friends. They will be upset / jealous but if they’re true friends they’ll also be happy for you xx
     
  3. DaisyRose

    DaisyRose Well-Known Member

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    Hi,

    I haven't had any experience of this myself but I'd say definitely talk to them first before making the big announcement - that way you'll be showing them that you really care about them and appreciate what they have gone through.

    I got upset myself about friends pregnancies which seemed to be happening just after I'd miscarried earlier this year - and was even seriously considering cutting them off altogether - I got hysterical about it. My problems of course do not come close to those of your friend and stepbrother, but I'd say the last thing I wanted was for them to feel sorry for me/ avoid me.

    I needed space from them, and I needed them to be understanding. Given my very limited experience, I'd say that the above is all you can do really, and hopefully they'll come around given time, even if the initial reaction isn't what you would like. Of course, they may just surprise you and be absolutely fine!
     
  4. clairedoran

    clairedoran Well-Known Member

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    I've had a similar experience. My sister had had 3 failed ivf attempts when I got pregnant. However, I told her right away as what used to annoy her was that people used to hide their pregnancies from her. She really hated this! When I told my sister, I involved her in my whole pregnancy, I also made her godmother. She was delighted. She was the one person I relied on through my whole pregnancy, she took me to mothercare and I even let her choose my pram (those things really didn't bother me). I'm not saying that this was the right thing to do, but I knew my sister WANTED to be involved. She now has 3 adopted children, and is a brill mum, shes even on the pill now 'as u never know'. She is desperate for me to have another baby now and so our her children! Good job i'm ttc number 2!

    The thing is, you should handle the situation the best way you can. However,don't let it stress you out during your pregnancy if the other parties do not respond well. Hope this helps.

    xx
     
  5. dreebee

    dreebee Member

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    hi
    i know its now quite as bad but we were in the same situation with telling our friend who had a m/c a week before we found out. i felt really bad and now i try to avoid her but know shes really happy for us.
     
  6. tots hope

    tots hope Well-Known Member

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    Im not going to lie to you - its not easy.

    My SIL and BIL have been trying for over 7 years and they didn't know we were TTC. The day we had it confirmed by the hospital (through and early scan) we told her. I was dreading it and cried after we told her. I sat in the car sobbing.

    I told DH that we had to tell her as she was going on holiday for 2 weeks and thought this might give her time to get used to it without it being in her face. We went over and my DH just said " ****** is pregnant", she didn't congratulate us or say anything just went out to make tea. I spoke too her husband and told him that we wanted her to know before the holiday so she had time.

    I am now 16 weeks and she has known since about week 5 - we still haven't spoken directly about the baby and she hasn't asked anything about the pregnancy. I find it really hard but my DH thinks that we both feel really awkward talking about it as it has taken us so long. I asked her husband if she would liek to see the 12 week scan pictures and he said best not to - which again upset me, but i guess she is trying to deal wth something far harder than i am. She needs space so i plan to give her aas much as she needs.

    Im sure when babes is here she will be the best auntie in the world but for now i am just taking each day as it comes.

    The people you have to tell might be fine and happy for you but make sure your OH/DH is there if things don't turn out as well as you hope. I always have a shoulder to cry on if you need one.
     
  7. Strangeness

    Strangeness Well-Known Member

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    My sister has been TTC for about 8 years now in all and still it hasn't worked for her. I told my sister when I was 7 weeks pregnant with my first and she said she was happy for me but I knew how much it hurt her. It will never be fine for anyone who is ttc that their sibling or friend is pregnant but the best thing to do is let them deal with it in their own way. I gave my sister as much space as she needed and I let her prompt me as to when she wanted to talk about it. I have always let my sister be as involved as she likes which isn't too much if I'm honest. It's only now that my son is older that she has really bonded with him. I think the last time she saw him really swung it for her when he told her he loved her and she melted and realised how much he wants her to be involved in his life. I haven't told her about baby number 2 yet but that's only because I haven't told anyone about it so she'll be the first to know and I won't be as worried this time even though I know she will still feel it I think she sort of expects it to happen.
     

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