Struggling with my feelings...

[Amy0801]

Hi. I'm not sure where to start so I am sorry if this is long winded...
I found out I am pregnant about a month ago after actively ttc so I am about 6 weeks now..DF and I have been together for 15 years this year and we have a daughter who is 6 and has autism. My partner doesn't cope very well on his own with our daughter and has little patience..yesterday daughter couldn't find the sellotape in the drawer so my partner went into the kitchen and said to her "it's there are you thick, thicko!" and then tonight he has said things to her like "stop being a numpty" and "I'm going to strangle you" sometimes it's not what he says it's how nasty he says it so I then have to shout at him to stop saying nasty things to her! Tonight I have asked him why he can't cope with her and he just says I can't! So i said we might have to reconsider having another if he cant cope! I work part time and normally when my partner is off work daughter is in school so he only has to deal with her in the school holidays..my partner works long shifts and a lot of weekends so most of the time I am on my own with her for over 12 hours and I cope! I am worried about how having another baby will affect our relationship and is it strong enough to survive it with all the stress

 

[Moomin21]

If I was in that situation I would be reconsidering my choice in partner. Second baby or not doesn't resolve the issue that you feel he is treating your daughter very unfairly. Everybody gets frustrated at times and it must be more difficult with an autistic child but he needs to learn how to cope if he wants to stick around. That's the conversation id be having. Xxx

 

[Sparklegirl]

It sounds like a terrible situation to be in. Would he consider something like therapy or talking to people who work with autistic children so he can learn coping strategies? If he is this stressed with her alone it will only get worse when you have another baby.

The comment about strangling her really would have me worried for her safety. I would think carefully about your future together, not being able to deal with her easily is one thing but being very nasty to her and threatening her isnt acceptable. How would he manage if the baby had autism or something else, would he be the same way with the new baby too when s/he grows up a bit?

You have been together a long time and no doubt love each other lots but how sustainable is the situation without change long term? I hope you can sort it out x

 

[PeanutButter]

Tbh with you, if my husband spoke to my child that way he'd be out the house till he 'can cope' with a black fking eye. No one should speak to a child like that especially the childs father, bordering mental abuse imo....And a father should not be threatening a 6yo girl with disabilities.
You've been together a long time, but you seriously need to think about your child first. Like sparkle said get some help, go to counselling, no child deserves to be treated like that.

 

[violet13]

That's disgusting, sorry but it is. I've worked with people with autism and honestly yes it can be stressful and sometimes it's hard but it's not their fault somethings can overwhelm them so quickly. I think your husband needs to go and speak to someone about this behaviour of his, she's just a child and if her austim is mild (where is she on the spectrum?) then he shouldn't lose his temper like that with her autistic or not. I hope you're okay? Xxx

 

[tinselcat]

I'd keep a log of the things he is saying to her.

It's absolutely wrong to treat a child like that, and the fact he is doing that to a defenceless autistic child is completely sickening.

Have you spoken to him about the way he speaks to her? Or, if you are afraid to have that conversation, ask yourself why?

xx

 

[tinselcat]

The fact he has threatened to strangle her is very very concerning, actually.

And if your daughter's autism means she takes things literally, whether or not he means it (and why would he be saying it if he hasn't thought of it?) then it must be a frightening thing for her to hear.

I think you should get in touch with a free helpline who can give you more advice on the situation you are facing, as it could potentially be very dangerous.

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/