boyfriend wont stand by me because of religion and parents

[natalie_1985]

Hi mums to be,
Right were do i start...... Well Im 3 months pregnant due to give birth August 26th so another six months roughly.... the problem is tho im White and Christian and altho i am not a strict one, my boyfriend is Asian and Muslim when he told his parents more to the point his dad his response was that i have to have an abortion and then my boyfriend and i can continue to be together which i didnt see the point of this.....But now my boyfriends parents are moving back over to the UK for good and he says he will tell his dad but he knows that his dad will not just give in and let us live together and raise baby together but my boyfriend expects me to just stick around and keep baby a secret and stay living near him and put my life on hold so he can choose his parents over his baby and me and still have me and the baby if that makes sense but surely this is ridiculus. i dont feel that its fair on myself or the baby and all my friends want me to leave him and go back to live in my home town as they think he been trouble from day one but being pregnant makes everything so difficult, i have no contact wiht my own parents im prepared to leave him i think but its going to be so scary as baby wasnt planned and im so scared of screwing it up. please can anyone give me advice, if i leave where we are both stay i'll be homeless and my friends dont have the space to put me up for a while so id have to go to a hostel until council find me a house. please help.

 

[mary70]

where would you be moving back to hun, maybe ring them and let them know the situation and see what they could offer u, could you look into renting private as you will be getting your rent paid if your not working, whatever you decide hope all works out for u and baby

 

[natalie_1985]

would be moving back to northampton or kettering as have friends there..... i cant get private renting because im not working anymore. so im totally lost and dont know what to do help!

 

[Sherlock]

Sorry to hear things are as they are for you with regards to your relationship.

You come from very different cultures and trying to find something that works for both you and your OH may prove difficult, especially if your OH wants to try to deny the existance of you and his child to his family.

I think if you want to make a break then you should. How long till a friend can help you out with somewhere to stay back in your hometown? Is this able to be longer term till LO is here? Are you going to start looking for a job there?

Have you phoned the local council back there and asked them what they can do for you should you move back there? As you said it may be a hostel or a B&B but hopefully they can arrange something.

What about women's organisations? Womens shelters and so on? Any you can contact there and see if they can help? You are 14 weeks pregnant so you can still look for work and take it on. You don't have to tell when applying for a job you are PG. Maybe you could find a live in one somewhere? A hotel or something, just to get you back on your feet.

I dug up the Shelter website. http://england.shelter.org.uk/advice/ad ... ion/01KK06

If you read around there is should have some info on housing and so on and places to contact. It would at least get the ball rolling. There are links to emergency housing, young parents or parents to be, leaving in a hurry (which tells if you may be entitled to help etc). Please have a good look round that website and read the pages and follow the links etc. It might really have something that can help you, but I can't find it for you obviously, hence me saying to read it all carefully

Good luck

 

[Noor~ul~Usman]

Hi mums to be,
Right were do i start...... Well Im 3 months pregnant due to give birth August 26th so another six months roughly.... the problem is tho im White and Christian and altho i am not a strict one, my boyfriend is Asian and Muslim

Ok babe just in case you don't already know let me highlight some key points for you

*takes a deep breath*

If he gives you any crap about you shouldn't be having a baby together etc then at the end of the day he is DEFINATELY in the wrong! Far more than you can ever be! And certainly shouldn't go around advertising the fact he is Muslim because he's not practicing or acting like one

He should not have been having a relationship with you - and certainly NOT a sexual one!! Both these points are completely against our religion!
He has the right to MARRY you as you believe in one God just like we do (Muslims are permitted to marry christians and jews...although really they're meant to be practising so they'd be virgins but a lot of people agree as long as you repent for anything you've done in the past then you can still marry)...and then things can get sexual But you shouldn't date or cohabit...it should be good old fashioned admiring you from afar then proposing to you and moving you straight in with him before you get 'involved'
So he's cocked up royally on this already....

Islam is 100% against abortion....so his father declaring he'd be happy if you got one is also barking up completely the wrong tree I hope that this was mainly due to shock and not complete ignorance

There are a few things you need to be aware of though as if you end up getting involved in the community you could get some serious criticism

In interfaith marriages it is only the Muslim guys that can marry chirstians and jews. This is because in our religion the child HAS to be brought up under the fathers religion. So you can get married and have a child but YOU HAVE to be willing to raise them as Muslim (with an understanding that you have a different religion - but this CAN NOT be their religion).
The Muslim women then obviously only marry Muslim men or they're children will end up being raised as something else

The child should also have a muslim name so that they are easily recognised as muslim.

The husband has a duty to his wife (but not a mistress!) to provide phsycially and financially for her and for their children without putting stress on her to work. If she can manage the children and the house and still be able to work this is fine and he can't stop her if she wants. But if she can only manage the house and children then he has no rights to ask her to work - this is his responcibilty to provide for them!


You should never be a 'dirty secret' for your husband and neither should your child!
If he doesn't have the balls to stand up for you and look after you as his family then hunny....you don't need him!
We get the same problem sadly within the community and there's no reason you should take shit off a guy when we'd be up in arms if he was doing the same thing to one of our Muslim friends!

He either needs to get his act into gear and actually BE a Muslim....or he should drop the act and realise that nothing he is doing is halal (allowable by Allah) and stop using this title as some reason for being different

(Once a Muslim denys beleif of Islam they are basically outcast so be warey if he says anything like this. You can have almost zero faith and still be Muslim...but as soon as you honestly deny Allah, the Quran, the angels and jinn, heaven and hell....then you are no longer Muslim and we are told not to ever accept you back because it's the one sin you can never be forgiven for)


I'm sorry to have gone on about it but it really boils my bloood when people do this. They're not all bad eggs though. I'm married to an Asain Muslim and have been accepted by his family. We started dating but he didn't practise so I didn't actually know he was Muslim! We didn't break up though (although strictly speaking we should have) and since then he's pulled his act together.....I decided I believed in Islam and become Mulsim too.....we got married....and we're now expecting our first child.
It's not ideal because he still isn't doing his 5 day prayers etc but he's stopped all the smoking and drinking and staying out late etc and is really co0mmited to life at home so we're both a lot happier

Unless he's willing to take the responcibility his faith tells him to you just need to treat him like any other jerk and not let this 'asian muslim' thing be any different to a 'white jordie' thing

 

[lauramumof2]

'white jordie' thing

Whats that?

 

[Krystal]

'white jordie' thing

Whats that?

I *think* she means a man from Newcastle with white skin

 

[Noor~ul~Usman]

lol yes - we call 'em jordies
Londer's are cocknies etc

I was just pointing out it's no different to any other guy you'll meet. Whinging about "oh but it's because I'm am Asain and Muslim" means nothing if he doesn't actually act like one

 

[Neev]

Just remember a few vital things:

You are carrying HIS baby. If he is a man, human and a good one at that - he will stick by you and protect you and his baby against the world - if he does not, he is not a MAN.

If he is hiding behind his parents, he is not a MAN, he needs to grow up and shed his boy skin.

Any excuse is lame under these circumstances, I do sound harsh but you have to begin not to expect from him, the least you expect the least you will get hurt and can be strong internally and externally for you and the LO. I am sure you have heard all these lines before but if religion/culture/family opposition/values etc come into the picture now, then you should let him come to you from realising these are superficial things. If he does not realise then it is his loss, you are gaining a new life and although it will be very hard - it is better to be loved, accepted and honoured by a loving man than be made to feel you have to "hide" from prospective in laws to get their approval.

We cannot please everyone but we can certainly try to please ourselves. So please be strong and eat well/sleep well. Sherlock has given some excellent info about shelter, seek your council for your benefits or speak with your doctor/MW. They will put you on the right track.

 

[nori]

My goodness.. theres a hell of a lot to take into consideration here (religion wise) I personally couldnt get involved in that way of life. I'm not religious myself and couldnt abide by all the rules and regulations of the muslim religion.

Whatever you decide i wish you all the best. You have been given some great advice.

Let us know how you get on.

Claire x

 

[Noor~ul~Usman]

My goodness.. theres a hell of a lot to take into consideration here (religion wise) I personally couldnt get involved in that way of life.

You hit the nail on the head there. It's a complete way of life - advise on how to do everything including running your own business, inheritence and how to treat your neighbours
People only do as much as they can understand/handle. To be honest I doubt there are few people alive who do everything you're meant to do. You just do the best you can and at least the more you stick to the guidelines the happier/easier your life should be

What I try to remind people on a Muslim forum I frequent is that it took almost 30years for Islam to be reveiled slowly to the people and so they could digest the rules and try to impliment them.
How they honestly expect people to pick it all up as soon as they convert or by the time they are a teenager I don't know Completely wishfull thinking

Anyway now I've stuck my nose in I wish the origional poster well as I've not heard from her since.