My best friend

[hopefulmummy]

I know this doesn't have much to do with pregnancy, but I really need some advice.

My best friend's mum is really ill with cancer and every time I speak to her or to my parents (who are friends with her parents) things just seem to be getting worse and worse. I feel helpless and powerless to say anything helpful. She knows I am there for her and love her but whenever she asks about the pregnancy or how I'm doing i feel sick with guilt. I don't feel like I have the right to portray any sense of excitement or joy when she is going through such a horrible time.

I think her mum may die before the baby is born. I feel so deeply distraught for the family, I know no words can take away the pain but I cannot imagine losing my mum and the thought makes me sick.

I hear things through my mum before Emma tells me herself or even before her dad has told her and then am stuck with knowing the updates and how her mum is in hospital but can't ring or text Emma because she doesn't know.

What can I say? Has anyone been in this position? What helps? What doesn't? I'm sorry for clogging up tri 3 stuff with this but I just feel so upset.

Xxx

 

[PinkPanther]

Aww what a sad situation to be in.

I've not been in a similar situation but just to pick up on the words that you say you feel guilty. Please don't feel guilty (easier said than done I know) but your friend may like to hear your good news as it takes her mind off what's in front of her?

Sorry not much help am I?

 

[Cantstop]

I think it's really nice that you are being such a good friend. My mam died of cancer at Christmas, when I was 20 weeks pregnant. It obviously has cast a dark cloud over my pregnancy, especially since the baby was kind of for her as we didn't expect her to go quite so soon, so believe me when I say I know how conflicted you must be. From my own experience, I knew there was nothing my best friends could say or do to make me feel better, but I appreciated that they were there for me to talk to, I appreciated their care, concern, kindness and support. I wouldn't have liked the feeling that they knew stuff before me though, but I did appreciate it when they would ask how things were as I could either go into it if I felt like it, or give short answers if I didn't, but it showed they were there if I felt like talking.

I would suggest maybe letting her ask you for baby updates and keeping a bit of a lid on good news, but it seems like you're kind enough to be tactful anyway, and I don't know your friend, she might feel differently about it and want nice news to take her mind off stuff - I just know that when it got really bad with my mam any baby stuff totally took back seat.

 

[nmf1987]

oh hun. so sorry to hear this.

we found out yesterday that oh's step dad has got cancer we just dont know how bad as yet.

it sounds like you are being very very good at being there for her and it seems that you just need to carry on being a good friend like you are now. xxx

 

[hopefulmummy]

Thanks ladies for your suggestions and just listening! I felt better just writing it

I am so sorry about your mum, cant, what a sad time that must have been. It's true that nothing anyone says can make you feel better and I guess as a friend that is hard, because we want to try anything to take even a bit of the pain away.

Xx

 

[pinkymum]

Can't really add anymore to what the girls have already said. But it sounds like you're a very good friend to her and you're trying your best. Big Its very sad

x x x x

 

[xx emma xx]

I've not been in exactly the same situation but I did watch my mum go through breast cancer, it was bad but she got through it thank god and I sadly watched my grandma who I was so close to die of cancer a year and a half ago. Personally I liked to talk about other positive things cos it would take my mind off it all a little, even for 10 minutes. I really struggled with my grandma as my family cared for her at home and all we could do was watch her deteriorate. It broke my heart. I would say don't feel guilty about talk in about the baby as other girls have said you seem like a great friend and know when not to talk too much about baby. She will probably welcome a change of subject to take her mind off her mum.
I'm so sorry for you, your friend and her family. Cancer is a horrible disease. Xxxx

 

[purplehippy]

My best friend at school's mum repeatedly had cancer (it eventually got her in sept 2005). While we were at school, sometimes I knew things that my mum had been told and my friend hadn't and it felt bad that I knew. My friend never coped with being the eldest of four with a mum who also suffered longterm with severe depression, and so I don't think she spoke to her mum much about anything. But I wish now I'd asked my mum to not say anything to me. Obviously I was able to be supportive to my friend but I had to watch what I said too. I've been in the situation during this pregnancy that a very good friend of mine was due 2 days after me and at our 12 week period, she had to make an agonizing decision to terminate because of anencephaly. And while I know she checks in on my fb now and then, I've felt guilty every time I update about my baby. But I know she wants me to be happy and has told me she doesn't want me to button it. I'm sure your friend understands and will appreciate having something positive to think about during this time. So don't feel guilty. x